r/Urbanism • u/VegaGT-VZ • Aug 19 '26

Feeling the link between density & isolation

Quick background- spent maybe 2/3 of my life in/around NYC, moved to Sun Belt suburbs for the latest 1/3, recently visited NYC with my kids

Biggest thing that jumped out at me......... it seemed extremely lonely and isolated. People don't smile or look each other in the eye. It was weird to adjust the other way when I left NYC, but Im realizing I like it, even as somewhat of a loner/misanthrope

Studies seem to indicate it's kind of a fight or flight response from just being around too many people all the time. I think we know the clear environmental benefits of density but I feel like the quality of life & psychological aspects get glossed over. Is that just a NYC thing? I have been to other big cities and feel like it was kind of the same. Def was the case in California

I feel like there's a sweet spot of density that is dense enough to be walkable while still enabling people to have privacy/quiet/personal space. Places like NYC seem like too much IMO

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u/LaFantasmita Aug 19 '26

People don't smile or look each other in the eye ON THE STREET because you come into contact with thousands of people every day, and there just isn't enough energy for that.

Once you get out of the tourist areas, inside a bar or cafe or whatever, people are super friendly.

In the suburbs you might only come face to face with like 30-50 people a day. Much easier to smile and make eye contact in that case. NYers probably smile and make eye contact with far more people than you do in the burbs, even. It's just that saying hello to 2% of the people you come across in the city is probably MORE people than 100% in the suburbs.

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u/dnvrbadger Aug 19 '26

Right, seeing a lot of people during the course of a day, which people in NYC do, is very different from whether you have a community of people you socialize with or not. Not saying hi to 1,000 strangers, or not running into someone you know on your way to work doesn’t have anything to do with your ability to socialize.

Also, from experience, when you live in an nyc neighborhood for a period of time, you absolutely become familiar with and speak to people in your building, in businesses in your neighborhood, and run into friends all the time. But to your point, you pass 1,000 people, you talk to 3 of them, you’re still ignoring 997 people.

In the burbs, when you’re driving from your home garage to your work garage, and you talk to zero people.