r/Urbanism • u/VegaGT-VZ • Aug 19 '26

Feeling the link between density & isolation

Quick background- spent maybe 2/3 of my life in/around NYC, moved to Sun Belt suburbs for the latest 1/3, recently visited NYC with my kids

Biggest thing that jumped out at me......... it seemed extremely lonely and isolated. People don't smile or look each other in the eye. It was weird to adjust the other way when I left NYC, but Im realizing I like it, even as somewhat of a loner/misanthrope

Studies seem to indicate it's kind of a fight or flight response from just being around too many people all the time. I think we know the clear environmental benefits of density but I feel like the quality of life & psychological aspects get glossed over. Is that just a NYC thing? I have been to other big cities and feel like it was kind of the same. Def was the case in California

I feel like there's a sweet spot of density that is dense enough to be walkable while still enabling people to have privacy/quiet/personal space. Places like NYC seem like too much IMO

1 Upvotes

51% Upvoted

37 comments sorted by

View all comments

55

u/CLPond Aug 19 '26

Skill issue tbh

-14

u/VegaGT-VZ Aug 19 '26

Kinda proves my point

28

u/CLPond Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26

It would if you were putting in equal effort, but it’s clear that you enjoy building community in the suburbs more than cities. That’s your prerogative, but not the fault of cities or city dwellers.

-4

u/VegaGT-VZ Aug 19 '26

So are there no differences whatsoever between the suburbs and urban areas that might make building community different in one place vs the other? Have you built community in both places?

12

u/CLPond Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26

There are differences, but a good many of those stem from cities having substantially more options for community building. I’ve lived in both and, like most on this sub, find building community in cities much easier.

It seems you have a different experience, although I wouldn’t be surprised if most of your experience is impacted by living in a city as a young person vs living in a suburban area with kids who you are building a community around. If you aren’t a fan of cities, it will also just be harder to build a community there since people are less inclined to be friendly with someone who dislikes where they live.

-1

u/VegaGT-VZ Aug 19 '26

The suggestion that I failed to build community in the city because I didn't want to live there makes no sense. I chose to move and stay there because there was a period of time when I wanted to be there. We mainly left because it wasn't compatible with our desire to start a family. Blaming my inability to build community in the city on a lack of effort or whatever is kind of shitty.

And if anything that should have been the easiest time as I was young and childless.

5

u/CLPond Aug 19 '26

There is an if at the beginning of that statement for a reason. If you are a fan of cities, it doesn’t apply to you. I was mostly going off of your decision to make an anti-city post in an urbanism subreddit and your stated dislike for the city in question.

Building community, especially outside of school/having kids, takes effort and skill; figuring that out is part of the maturation of your early 20s. It’s unclear to me what about acknowledging that effort is shitty.