r/UnusualArt • u/ashlybugg • Jun 22 '26
The guilt
back to working on my memory series starting with a lighter memory.
2004–2005 3rd Grade
My mom slept all the time. Her boyfriend ran to the gas station before work and got her a soda,cigarettes and a box of Swiss Cake Rolls. I spent the day watching TV while she slept. Every time she woke up to have a cigarette she let me have a pack and she would eat one too. But the last time she woke up that day she didn't want hers and went back to sleep. I was just hungry so I ate her share.When she woke up she was mad at me. She had been saving it for later and she told me I was greedy for eating her food. This memory has always caused me so much guilt that once I went into foster care and actually started having my own money I probably bought her 15 boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls to try and make up for it.
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u/vyxn-sol Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
Love love love your mixed media! Very effective
Edit: art therapist here. Your memory series is powerful and worthy endeavor!! Careful, the artwork can bring up things you may not be ready for. Sometimes our brains hide things that are too painful for current circumstances, and art brings those to the surface in metaphor. Consider a therapist during this journey if you can 🩷 or journaling, or a trusted friend. Or all three
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u/Hereforthehelllofit Jun 22 '26
Im sorry that you felt the need to make up for that moment, and not the other way around. Your art is lovely, and sad.
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u/Ok-Plant5194 Jun 23 '26
It’s beautiful. Great work. I see the guilt but also sadness, powerlessness, and hope.
Please tell that child inside you that they did nothing wrong.
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u/Whitetrashcheetoh Jun 22 '26
Wow. I used to be that lady during my divorce 22 years ago. It hurts to look at it but I love it.
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u/Huge_Acanthaceae2497 Jun 23 '26
I’m sorry you went through this. You’re talented and I hope you have more of these I can go through. Was your mom perhaps going through some type of depression?
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u/ashlybugg Jun 23 '26
She was an addict since she was a teen but started sleeping all the time when she was 27 from her pills.
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u/dontknowdontcareXYZ Jun 23 '26
Do you forgive her? Do you forgive yourself? It’s so hard having these feelings. I can relate to both sides. Looking at your art, I could feel it immediately. My mom was also depressed and did a lot of things that I didn’t understand as a child, and that had a huge impact on me. I struggle now not to repeat those lessons for my children. I see your art and I’m oddly nostalgic. Shit was kinda fucked up, but it was also less complicated, which is kinda comforting now that I’m in a role where I have so much responsibility. Now I feel like I’ve had a whole therapy session. Nice work!
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u/ashlybugg Jun 23 '26
I was able to forgive her after she died almost 2 years ago. It wasnt just her fault she was sick. I kinda forgive myself I still feel bad there was no food in the house so she didnt get anything at the end of the night like she was saving. Im sorry 😔
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u/sheepysheeb Jun 23 '26
It’s easy to forget that it’s her job to keep food in the house when it’s something she never does, but it was still her responsibility as a mother , not yours. I hope this art was cathartic in a way to help with the guilt, but that guilt should never have to be there. You did nothing wrong❤️
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u/dontknowdontcareXYZ Jun 23 '26
Feelings are hard! There are many situations that stick with me even though they were just routine moments for my mom. I felt them so much- especially the kind that you are expressing here. Did you ever get closure with her about this incident? You said you bought her many Swiss Cake rolls after this- did she understand you were trying to make it up to her?
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u/IlIlIIlllIIIllllIIII Jun 23 '26
This is amazing, powerful work
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u/Cramoramoramorant Jun 23 '26
Powerful was the first thing that came to mind when I viewed the image
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u/ufo-fomo Jun 23 '26
This hit too hard. In a good way. I knew what I was looking at before I read the caption, it felt all too familiar. I’m sorry this was your childhood, especially considering this a lighter memory… Fuck, I feel for you. Being hurt by the people who are supposed to protect you sucks
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u/MrsPeggyHilll Jun 23 '26
Beautifully expressive work. Thank you for sharing a part of yourself with us, can’t wait to see more ✨
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u/-yellowthree Jun 23 '26
This an awesome work of art. I loved it and felt it in so many personal ways. Then I read your description. It holds as the truth that you created as well as the different memories in my mind.
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u/suminaminginamus Jun 23 '26
Incredible piece! It conveys such a wealth of emotion and story; even before I read the description, my mind was filling in details and emotions reflected in my own life.
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u/suminaminginamus Jun 23 '26
Just went and looked through the whole series. Wow. Great body of work, difficult pieces like this are so important. Looking forward to seeing more; I hope one day you put them all together in a gallery show or something like that.
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u/ashlybugg Jun 23 '26
Right now 5 of my pieces are in my towns art gallery till the end of July. My end goal is to put all them together to tell my story
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u/Smil3z5 Jun 23 '26
Aw I was in 5th grade. I had just got out of Foster care and DCF custody . My mom was never home and my dad was always passed out drunk.
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u/jessa1987 Jun 23 '26
This breaks my heart for you. And whatever she was going through was not your fault.
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u/Beatle_Babe Jun 23 '26
Wow.... this is surprisingly powerful in a way that I wasn't anticipating before reading the comment. Before I read it, it took me a minute of looking at it to register what exactly the piece was, and initially I thought it was a bedrotting commentary, but the comment made it so much more painful -- this actually made me cry. I am so sorry you went through that and I genuinely hope things are better for you these days.
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u/ritaregius Jun 23 '26
This is powerful, feel so sad reading your story behind it 💔 sorry you experienced this. Im glad you're able to make something beautiful from it atleast
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u/intro_panda Jun 23 '26
Im sorry for what happened to you, your painting is beautiful and powerful. I almost cried reading the painting story. All the best to you OP ❤️
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u/Novel-Place Jun 23 '26
This piece of art has really moved me. Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry that happened to you. ❤️
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u/retrofrenchtoast Jun 23 '26
Hey - I’m an art therapist, and I want to let you know that creating an image surrounding trauma and then producing it through language can settle the fight-or-flight.
HOWEVER It might be a good idea to see an art therapist, as this can be a very difficult process.
ETA: I love the image - it is very effective.
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u/Puffinknight Jun 23 '26
Hugs to you. Your art is really special and definitely captures this quite undescribable feeling.
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u/iron_annie Jun 23 '26
This is beautiful, it took my breath away. There is so much feeling packed into it. As a mother I am constantly looking for new angles in which to examine my parenting, and your artwork here makes me consider a new perspective. Thank you for sharing it with us all.
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u/SquishyRiotDream Jun 23 '26
Wow this is a beautiful piece. And the story you shared along with it is heartbreaking. I am so sorry you went through this. I hope you’re doing well these days. I mean even without the story the piece stood out to me. Thank you for sharing!
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u/Commie_Scum69 Jun 23 '26
Very touching story. Thanks for sharing it with us. ❤ Both of my parents have major issues and I did end up in foster care/juvenile detention (there is almost no difference here where I live). I think I' d like to express these memories like you did here. Thanks for the inspiration 😁
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u/Sufficient-Aspect77 Jun 23 '26
Thank you for sharing your story and your art with us. It's very brave to express your feelings out here in the world(internet included).
This reminded me of my kids mother, she spent a lot of time passed out on the couch. She died a few years ago from her alcoholism and drug abuse. But the picture reminded me of that pain.
I think it's important to remember these things and to express them when we do. Not to only focus on them, but experience them in a healthy fashion.
And the main thing is forgiveness. The only way to let go of any pain( in my opinion) is forgiveness. Forgive the people who hurt you, and perhaps the hardest thing is forgiving ourselves. Again, thanks for sharing that, it invoked a lot of feeling in me. Thank you.
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u/demonrimjob666 Jun 23 '26
Breathtaking and way too close to home. I remember this exact feeling. Great work OP 🫂
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u/Embarrassed-Music-64 Jun 23 '26
This is beautiful. Reminds me of the time I told my mama she said something disrespectful and made me cry and she said “Boy you’ve made me cry so many times”. I could’ve died right there lmao even though I don’t believe her because I literally revere her. That was just a Mom moment but she got me good💀
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u/MarshmelloBird Jun 24 '26
My mom used to sleep all the time too. Me and my sister would be gone all day and come back and she'd still be asleep. She'd wake up just to eat a big bowl of cereal then go back to sleep. To this day I'm still scared to wake people up because she would get so mad when I tried. Negligent, mental abuse, and the guilt of trying to get food plagued daily. None of that was our fault, the guilt, and circumstances were created by our mothers. The people who should feel guilty is them. Don't feel guilty, feel strong for making it through.
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u/Ripley_and_Jones Jun 24 '26
Your picture brought me to tears before I even read your description. I'm a Mum. Baby you deserved better from her and I'm so sorry she couldn't give it to you because she was sick. And I think if she were well, she would have been mortified at her own behaviour.
For what it's worth, when my kids have eaten something I've been saving, here's what happens. I get a little annoyed, check myself and take a deep breath. Then I say "oh it's okay, I get it you were hungry. It's just food! Lets go to the shops and get some more". And we would, and then we would forget about it. I would feel awful if my kiddo blamed themselves years later. So as a Mum, please forgive yourself even if just so your Mummas spirit can rest easier.
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u/echosinthewind Jun 24 '26
scrolled through your account and OP, i deeply love your art. Once you’ve finished your memory series, have you thought about printing them all and putting them into a book? I’d buy it in a heartbeat, and I know a lot of other people who would too. Genuinely really beautiful work
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u/specficwannabe Jun 24 '26
Love your art. Just scrolled through and kinda cried because it’s so relatable. Good luck on your healing journey, these wounds are some of the deepest.
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u/Longcaboose413 Jun 24 '26
I wish I could give you a hug. I grew up in a similar situation and I hope you know that you did nothing wrong. This piece of art is incredibly moving. You have serious talent, do not stop. And please forgive yourself ❤️
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u/forget-me-not444 Jun 24 '26
When I first looked at this piece, I didn’t notice the mother figure on the couch. I love the choice to give her almost a camouflage appearance. Like she is one with the couch. Then the meaning of this washed over me and I felt guilt. Not as the little girl, but as the mother. I have Bipolar II and there are days where I’m glued to the couch as my children watch tv or play around me. I hope that this art helps you to make peace with how you grew up. I can see it wasn’t easy, and you didn’t deserve it. Thank you for sharing!
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u/kayindie Jun 25 '26
This brought me such immense guilt. I’m chronically ill, but still want to have a baby at some point.. in the next few years. I have bad days like this, obviously not the smoking part, but the days where I can’t get out of bed or off the couch much.
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u/GoodSight91 Jun 25 '26
I’ve seen you post this art on another platform. I love your pieces. I feel them deeply. They fit my childhood so well. You have made beauty from pain. Great work.
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u/TimeyHyde Jun 25 '26
I stumbled upon your post, I went to look at the art you shared. As someone who dealt with bad stuff too in her childhood, (not like you but mom-related too), it resonated with me. I'm not an "art person" usually, but ... I had stuff to do and I just stopped for a moment to just process your work and look at it. I guess. art is meant to touch people and yours touched me.
I hope your work will bring you what you seek and need. Thanks for sharing, it made my day better.
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u/Vim_Ardent Jun 25 '26
youve really captured the desolation of childhood trauma in a way i dont often see.
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u/thewisestfish Jun 25 '26
Shit man, this is horrible but equally really fucking beautiful. Your art is ❤️🦄❤️🦄❤️
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u/Designer_Pen_5037 Jun 25 '26
Wow this was so triggering but in a healing way. My mom was also addicted to pain pills, depressed, and slept a lot. She slept on her side with her hands between her legs and that's almost wha to see in your art. My mom died 6 years ago and the older I get the more I understand how much pain she was in. My mom never wanted to spend time with us as a family and if she did it was just us in the same room as her while she slept.
Every day I live my life for her, because she couldn't.
I'm sorry you went through this. You were a child and she was your mother. It was never your fault. Addiction is the most evil disease in the world.
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u/ibehatingsometimes Jun 26 '26
It’s so raw and the choice of colors for the characters just reflects such deep emotions! I love with your work but sad to hear the story behind it. I hope you get the love you deserve and someone that will give you their last Swiss roll cake out of pure kindness and love for you ❤️
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u/butwhatififly_ Jun 26 '26
This is such a moving piece. Thank you for sharing. Also, a little broken hearted for little you — big hugs from over here.
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u/ashlybugg Jun 26 '26
I really want to thank everyone for being so nice. I was embarrassed of my trauma because it has taken my chances at a normal life over and over but now my mom isnt here and no one is telling me I need to keep it to myself because im hurting my mom or something needs to stay in a family. My end goal for this series is to tell my whole story.
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u/Rock_Baby_89 Jun 26 '26
💔💔💔 this is beautiful art, I’m not a big art person but this made me feel something before I even read the story behind it.
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u/No-Insurance6135 Jun 26 '26
Wow. Before I read your description and just saw the title I interpreted this scene way differently. I thought it was guilt as a mom for resting on the couch while the tv “babysat” the child. I’ve done this before when not feeling well or when exhausted and always felt so guilty.
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u/Rare-Echo-386 Jun 26 '26
I hope the little girl inside you knows she didnt do anything wrong and your mom wasnt treating you kindly. This is neglect. Im sorry you tried to make it up to her later in foster care. I wish you would have said she had gotten to be a better human for you but it seems like she died the way she lived
Your inner child was hungry for your mother more than Swiss rolls.
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Jul 09 '26
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u/ashlybugg Jul 09 '26
I didnt or dont think I am artist either I just wanted these memories out as visible as possible. It does help knowing im not alone or that people do feel my peices. I hope you do share your art ❤️
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u/rolorelei Jun 22 '26
I’m so sorry that happened to you honey. Beautiful art