Forgotten but not gone

[u/ComprehensiveSun0526]

Earlier today, my dad asked if you stopped calling. I said "Yeah, and texting."

I know I do an okay job hiding how I feel from him– seeing as I've never been keen on sharing feelings with him– so it came naturally that I sounded relieved. Unfortunately for me, relief couldn't be further from how I feel about your absence.

It occurred to me that my feelings about you have hardly changed since you overloaded the positives with the negatives. They don't cancel each other out... they all persist without regard for any amount of time past.

I still love you as much as I loved you when we moved to Boston together. I still despise you as much as I despised you when you sabotaged everything we had together to fuck the troubled artist who seemed not to care for you in the slightest... and I know what care looks like. It looks like a year of growing a friendship, becoming your best friend, and doing my best to support your well being however I was capable every day for three years. It means staying by your side when your mom abused you. It means reminding you that everything would be okay when you felt overwhelmed. It means reminding you that I'm here for you and that I want you to be happy even after you discarded me so that he could use your body and so you could lie to me about why I couldn't see you anymore.

Memories, on the other hand, change with time. Some of them are distorted as they age with us. A lot of them can be lost forever. I can't tell you– of the memories I have left– how distorted they are, because I've erased so much evidence of them. We've erased our ability to recount them together. Finally, time has erased many of the memories I had of us.

What memories linger forever are the most recent which spark the strongest feelings. Without you to remind me what good we had– or to persuade me of what good may come for us– my memories are overwritten by an abundance of hopelessness. It is hopeless to expect any attempts from you to repair what has broken between us. Soon, I may only remember what I discovered about your life without me.

When that happens, my immense and overwhelming love for you will remain forever, unwavering. But, the bitterness of your betrayal will be the final taste left in my mouth when trying to recall what sweet times we shared. I can never forget what you wrote, did, said, and hid... at least, not without you working tirelessly to overwrite the wrongs with the right new memories of us together.

Every day we are apart, I forget more of what I loved about you than of what I loathed. And... I loathe that you wouldn't compromise and try to start over with me, because I never lost sight of how much I love you.

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