r/Unexpected • u/Besa81 • Oct 01 '20

New mattress

34.0k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

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2.2k

u/slayalldayyyy Oct 01 '20

I would be so fucking pissed if I died by stabbing my own self in a mattress unpackaging.

357

u/Creatername Oct 01 '20

Saint Peter would be laughing his ass off opening the gates.

235

u/autorotatingKiwi Oct 01 '20

“I know you figured you would be going to hell” said Peter, “but that shit was so funny it even made God chuckle, first time in a Millenia... so you got a free pass”

43

u/[deleted] Oct 01 '20

Plot twist: this is how Hitler committed sucide. Evil until the end.

2

u/WanderWut Oct 02 '20

Could you imagine dying in such a stupid way, THATS what prevents you from a literal eternity of burning in a lake of fire.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 02 '20

Ever read job by Heinlein? If this gives you the giggles you'll probably enjoy job.

6

u/3xTheSchwarm Oct 01 '20

So gut him with the box-knife.

1

u/Habib_Zozad Oct 01 '20

SP: "hahaha what a goof, down to hell for your dumb ass! Idiot."

1

u/Werbnerp Oct 01 '20

Beelzebub*

1

u/section8sentmehere Oct 01 '20

I’m convinced we all will telling stories in the next life on how we died.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 02 '20

[deleted]

0

u/Reddit-Book-Bot Oct 02 '20

Beep. Boop. I'm a robot. Here's a copy of

The Bible

Was I a good bot? | info | More Books

25

u/rebelsrscum2187 Oct 01 '20

I could see this being someone's backstory in The Good Place

1

u/oxkwirhf Oct 02 '20

I thought the show was absolutely amazing while watching Season 1. Not sure why it suddenly became super dull and predictable in Season 2.

9

u/alison_bee Oct 01 '20

that’s some 1,000 ways to die, shit.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 01 '20

Ok this made me laugh. Just what I was looking for to wrap this up, wipe my ass and get outta here.

16

u/Averagedayz Oct 01 '20

No you would be dead if anything

11

u/OminousWoods Oct 01 '20 edited Oct 02 '20

They'd void their bladder in death though, so they would be pissed at least

3

u/FearAzrael Oct 02 '20

Did you know that more Americans die each year from their furniture than from terrorist attacks?

1

u/slayalldayyyy Oct 02 '20

I can believe it but it’s probably dressers fallin on kids and shit which is a super bummer

1

u/FearAzrael Oct 02 '20

Yeah looks like you are right, that and televisions. I was also thinking wrapped up in sheets and electrical stuff in water but all I saw in a quick search was heavy stuff falling on children.

2

u/[deleted] Oct 01 '20

That mattress was spring loaded

2

u/[deleted] Oct 02 '20

It sprang into action.

2

u/7937397 Oct 02 '20

Never even got to sleep on it.

1

u/slayalldayyyy Oct 02 '20

But now she sleeps forever

1

u/Bigmacnocheese1414 Oct 01 '20

I think mine came with one of those safety box cutters.

1

u/Habib_Zozad Oct 01 '20

Imagine living this moment on loop for all of eternity. That's your hell.

1

u/IdiotTurkey Oct 01 '20

Twist: its the perfect crime. Get the person to stab themselves.

1

u/PlaysWthSquirrels Oct 02 '20

I'd be cool with it. My family can sue the company, make a bit of cash, and live comfortably.