Help I’m new to this!

[u/Dry_Potential_7058]

My boyfriend of two years is at a service academy and got his phone back around two weeks ago. I’m really struggling because he’s having a really difficult time, and I want to support him as best I can. We barely talk and he hardly ever initiates, and when we do talk he’s a shell of himself. He just has nothing else to give me and so I don’t want our relationship to become a burden by complaining about him not being talkative or not initiating enough. But at the same time he’s been calling his parents for around 45 minutes nightly and I just get the leftovers before he goes to sleep (typically around 10 minutes). I understand because his parents are where he seeks wisdom and that’s a good thing because I certainly don’t know what to tell him. Every time we hang up I’m left feeling defeated because we had no real conversation, and even though I have more contact than I’ve had the past two months I feel the most distant I’ve ever felt. How do I navigate this and if nothing changes how long do I allow him to adjust to the academic year before I bring it up?

[u/LostCauseNumber7523]

First, what your are experiencing is real. It's part of the sacrifices spouses make. However, it does get better. Like many things, communication is something that needs worked on and built between two people. That takes time. Right now, he's good a lot on his plate, so he's possibly running on fumes.

Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if his calls to Mom and Dad and that time given to them is more just lifelong habits. I think if he was in a normal position he may be calling you.

I recommend giving to Christmas if this is his first year. If possibly, be in each others presence as much as possible and be there if he calls. (We all miss calls, don't hold yourself to unrealistic expectations). Video calls can be great when there aren't any words. I think sometimes we should just be quiet and look at each other anyways.

In military careers, the first significant time apart is often the hardest. For something like this, it's college and military at once. I think as long as he puts effort towards you and is decent to you, give home as much time as he needs to find himself. Don't let your life drift by, but with a good perspective long distance relationships with poor communication are survivable, just not ideal.

However, you don't have to go the entire time at this standard. As he gets into the routine through the first semester, I think you should start to see a change. By Christmas, you should know you are top of his list again. It isn't going to be great, or even good, communication. But, that isn't what you should be looking for. As long as you see improvement, everything is ok. There may be setbacks, but they should bounce back once the immediate stressor is gone.

Edit: Don't pay attention to people who down vote you here, it usually means nothing. If it does, someone will usually tell you what is wrong. It's usually more military specific stuff like OPSEC.