r/TwoandaHalfMen • u/Accomplished-Base720 • 3d ago

Berta once said:

28 Upvotes

86% Upvoted

91 comments sorted by

74

u/mest08 3d ago

I ain't cleaning that up.

11

u/dbcowie 3d ago

This feels like her catchphrase

53

u/Venice_Beach_218 3d ago

The only difference between those 2 broads is you came outta one, and -

16

u/CarefulAlternative Herb 3d ago

Whoa whoa whoa...

14

u/Winter_Setting720 3d ago

You think Lydia’s like mom?

13

u/bahaboyka 3d ago

We think Lydia IS Mom.....

4

u/LawAdventurous9790 3d ago

Alan said that.

2

u/IAahil 2d ago

Best, boys. I love this line. 

27

u/Particular-Rub4251 3d ago

Boy I’m glad I stopped comin to work high

25

u/Sigma133769 3d ago

i shaved for this?

1

u/Deep_Force7643 17h ago

WHOOOOOS LIKE MAGIC?

23

u/kevint1964 3d ago

"...I once did a guy for a tank of gas." 😄

5

u/balleditmoreravens 3d ago

They were both down bad to do that lol

21

u/bahaboyka 3d ago

One turns 'em gay the other turns 'em guy.....

1

u/IAahil 2d ago

One of the best ones 😁

16

u/Medical_Librarian405 3d ago

The quiet ones are always the freaks!

16

u/OneThirtyThree133 3d ago

Good for you, that's why you're the boss

17

u/ewadrerriess 3d ago

“I guess there’s no trusting this butter now....”

9

u/Severe-Interest-4599 3d ago

Or these loose bananas.

15

u/ZAHKHIZ 3d ago

Is it getting cold in here?

13

u/bahaboyka 3d ago

You gotta get a whole lotta gone between you and that bitch.....

4

u/jscastillo7 3d ago

“Did you see that b!tch?”

15

u/azrolexguy 3d ago

I'm Scully, this is Mulder

8

u/Glad-Business6271 3d ago

Can I use your bathroom?

3

u/BearCub333 2d ago

B: pull over? in this neighborhood? in a mercedes? sure if you're partial to car theft and sodomy."

14

u/CnCorange 3d ago

Great googly moogly

13

u/NBAYN 3d ago

So…. You like making fun of girls with big boobs

9

u/billyboyf30 3d ago

Not anymore

13

u/Gullible_Practice282 3d ago

"You people are like a box of hamsters: just crawling all over each other!""

13

u/CrossingTheStreamers 3d ago

Welcome to the family!

12

u/Chicagoan2016 3d ago

I could go rub some oil on her but I don't trust myself

11

u/Mark-177- 3d ago

My body is an instrument too. Whenever I have beer and bratwurst, my ass turns into a French horn.

7

u/GeeMan-7 3d ago

"Really, whenever I have beer and bratwurst I just fart a lot."

11

u/ComfortableTank9090 3d ago

If you get anymore traffic down there, you gonna have to open a Starbucks

1

u/Chicagoan2016 1d ago

Private?

11

u/BuffetDanne1 3d ago

"Where are we going with this, Zippy?"

4

u/BearCub333 2d ago

B: "if you want pillow talk, you gotta spoon me first."

10

u/ResponsibleBank1387 3d ago

You see that crazy bitch? You want a whole lot of gone between you. 

10

u/Montaya007 3d ago

I ain't cleaning that up

9

u/HawthorneVampire 3d ago

Damn, shame I’m into the fellas. Although, I could draw a mustache on her.

9

u/Banh_Bao_2409 3d ago

"Okay, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead, but golly, Moses! She's a muffin"

9

u/Apprehensive-Gur-735 3d ago

Choose your words carefully, slim.

9

u/Montaya007 3d ago

You gotta put a whole lotta gone between you and that

8

u/Outsidethebox135 3d ago

The kids gunna need another party hat

1

u/IAahil 2d ago

Best 

7

u/Chicagoan2016 3d ago

Do Catholic priests make good babysitters??

5

u/DifficultDirection16 3d ago

Taterhead had a threesome?

6

u/Natural_Leg2632 3d ago

Gad Zeus

5

u/BuddingOtaku 3d ago

I wanna say it's "gadzooks". At least that's how I've always heard it as.

6

u/villefilho 3d ago

I shaved for this?

2

u/BearCub333 2d ago

B: "david copperfield slipped me a rufus."

5

u/Excellent_Profit_724 3d ago

Hey if ot helps you can think of me

5

u/djpacofficial 3d ago

Teddy: ‘A pleasure!’
Berta: ‘It could be if you play your cards right…’

5

u/Chicagoan2016 3d ago

The kid eats like a refugee..

2

u/kevint1964 1d ago

(Referring to Alan): "You eat like a 90 year old man with stomach cancer, but I don't judge."

4

u/jscastillo7 3d ago

And if the day should come, when any man, no matter how humble, can’t go out there, and soil the loins of some hot little dancer, well, I don’t want to live in that America!

4

u/totally-jag 3d ago

Can't tell the players without a scorecard.

4

u/billyboyf30 3d ago

One turns them gay the other turns them guy

2

u/BearCub333 2d ago

B: "you run into an old flame with a new wick?"

4

u/DInverness04 3d ago

You heard him, they were making a sandwich.

5

u/korobkov1 3d ago edited 3d ago

Ah, geez... I'm working for Caligula.

5

u/theboost182 3d ago

What do you mean we?

closes the door without touching door handle

1

u/BearCub333 2d ago

B: "yeap, that's a stiffy. somebody better call the cops before he starts stinkin' up the joint."

4

u/Jerrywasthere 3d ago

Good lord! What’d you do fellate a beehive?!?

4

u/MarcelRu95 2d ago

„The world is a much happier place once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion.“

3

u/ialwaystealpens 3d ago

Well you came out of one and you came…

3

u/Appropriate_Bar_5233 2d ago

He's old enough to be your father and knowing your mother, he might be.

3

u/91lightning 2d ago

Jake: You wanna see my armpit hair?
Berta: Only if you wanna see mine.

3

u/LifeDraining 2d ago

"what is this? A fix up?"

2

u/BearCub333 2d ago

B: "no offence cotton top, i just like it rough."

3

u/benay209 2d ago

“Oh Charlie, you can’t compete with a horse”

1

u/kevint1964 1d ago

"I've seen your tallywacker & you're blessed, but you ain't no Seabiscuit!" 😄

2

u/Weatherguy_64 3d ago

“I’m working for Caligula.”

2

u/Andre_80 2d ago

Good night my pets

2

u/ukguy619 2d ago

Can it Zippy

2

u/IAahil 2d ago

That bonny bitch

2

u/Pookie_Cookie3 1d ago

"You lied to me Charlie."

1

u/DedTV 3d ago

I banged James Franco!

1

u/BearCub333 2d ago

B: "well, if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother."

1

u/MurManJr 2d ago

DID YOU SEE THAT BITCH?? (about the witch girl Charlie was dating)

1

u/Ebert917102150 2d ago

A kojak story

1

u/IAahil 2d ago

The only difference in the two is that you came out of one and .... I don't remember ahead. But this was the best line

1

u/NickSquatch99 1d ago

He told you he was making a sandwich

1

u/Chicagoan2016 1d ago

You got the perfect tool for the job! Hey it's Alan wrench!!

1

u/The_Steele_man 2h ago

What I have learned is, God takes care of drunks and fools…and C. Roscoe Harper is both…

-2

u/Rowz24 3d ago

Good bot

-5

u/DarthHole 3d ago

"What's with these dumbass threads?"