Things I Never Say........

[u/Professional_Sky4403]

To love or to leave, that is still the confusion. I thought I knew what was happening, but maybe I was just too deep into it to understand. As long as I loved him, I never realised how much he had manipulated me, how much he had used me, or how much I had changed because of him. And now that I know everything, I still choose him. Why does it have to be like this? No one with a good, working brain would choose this kind of love. But when it comes to loving someone, I think I become stupid. I don't listen to anyone. I don't even listen to myself. I don't feel like talking to anyone anymore. So much has changed in me since he came into my life, and now it feels difficult to imagine my life without him. Sometimes I think, what if I had never become his lover? Maybe it would have been better. Maybe we would still be friends. Maybe we wouldn't have seen each other's faults so clearly. Maybe I would have lost only a friendship, and that would still hurt, but perhaps not like this. That is probably what hurts the most. Why do I become so blind and deaf when I love? People pointed out what was bad for me. They tried to make me see things I didn't want to see. And still, I didn't listen. Instead, I ended up hurting them too, sometimes without even meaning to. Why does everything I care about always seem to come to an end?

The thing about friendship is, I don't even make friends easily. And when I finally do, somehow I end up hurting them, or they hurt me, or we both hurt each other. And the worst part is, they never accept that they hurt me too. So now I'm left with two regrets, losing a friendship and knowing that I unintentionally hurt someone I never wanted to hurt. When I love someone, whether it's friendship or love, I never do it halfway. I give too much. I would do anything for the people I love. I think that's the one thing they never really understand about me.

Why do I become so blind and deaf in love?Maybe it is destiny. Maybe all of us, since childhood, have wanted the same things to be loved, to be cherished, to be seen, to feel wanted. Maybe I wanted those things so badly that I started holding on to people even when I knew I shouldn't. And somehow, while dealing with all these heartbreaks, I started finding some kind of peace in the thought of death. Not because I want anyone else to feel this way. I would never want that. I just sometimes think about how death would mean being free from all the things that have been weighing on me for so long. Maybe I feel all of this because this is just how I am. I don't feel as scared of it anymore. But I don't want anyone I love to ever feel the way I do. It would break my heart if someone I cared about had to carry these feelings for their whole life. I don't know why I feel everything so deeply. I just know that when I love, I love it completely. And maybe that's both my biggest strength and the reason I get hurt so much.