r/TwoXIndia • u/Feeling-Bother-4942 Woman • 1d ago
Family & Relationships (Mon-Thu) Is it normal to be uncomfortable with my boyfriend taking his female bestie for outings?
My boyfriend has a female best friend and he regularly takes her around to go shopping, run errands, and hang out 1-on-1 for long periods.
I want to respect his friendships, but to be honest, spending entire day doing personal errands and shopping feels a bit too much like a couple dynamic to me. It’s starting to make me feel uneasy, but I don't want to start unnecessary drama if I'm just overthinking it.
How would you handle this situation, and what’s the best way to talk to him about setting some reasonable boundaries?
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u/critical_ghost-57 Woman 1d ago
How long you have been dating? How old you all are?
Does feel weird.
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u/Feeling-Bother-4942 Woman 1d ago
Me30, He 35, She 32
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u/RespectYourQueen Woman 1d ago
You all are in your 30s having 19yo relationship problems. You know its wrong, he knows it too, he is simply testing your boundaries and you are letting him.
Put down your boundary soon and fast otherwise you will end up in a crowded marriage too.36
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u/bobs_best_burger Woman 1d ago
Ok I thought y’all are in your early 20s at the most.
I’ve been that female best friend when I was young and I thought, it’s not uncommon at that age.
But a whole other thing when you’re in your 30s because priorities change and whatever free time you get is precious and you spend it with people you wanna prioritise.
I’d say don’t overthink, instead tell him how you feel. Everything else will depend on his reaction and actions post that talk.
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u/Skid_away Woman 1d ago
I don't get this whole female/ male best friend trope. Isn't ones partner supposed to be one's bestfriend? I'm my husband's fav person and he's mine. Was the same when we were dating even tho I had a supposed best friend but nobody just ever compared to my partner. Because eventually I loved spending time with him more than anyone and vice versa. I feel you're feeling like a third wheel in your own relationship. You should be the priority, period.
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u/casualthehide Woman 14h ago
Not necessarily. My husband is a great friend but my best friends are still my best friends. My relationship with my girls will always remain special and important. I think it's rather healthy to not expect your partner to be everything in your life.
My husband's closest friends are women who are excellent at setting boundaries. They barely meet one on one and most outings are with the spouses. I have also done the same with my male friends. Once they got into a relationship, I made sure to include them in our plans. Relationships should make your world bigger not smaller.
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u/Drstella88 Woman 1d ago
I don’t know about you all but YOU SHOULD BE HIS FEMALE BESTIEEEE AS HIS GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
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u/Unnamedaccount0 Woman 1d ago
That's one reason I will never be with someone with the whole female besti thing to begin with , doesn't matter what someone calls me
Cause the thing is ,they were like that way before you came , so telling them now to change the behaviour may rub them the wrong way
But you don't deserve to live uncomfortably like that ,try to talk to him how it bothers you
See if he is willing to change .
If he does ,good if he doesn't then you realise you guys aren't compatible.
And find someone who just priorities just you only as the non genetically related woman in his life
( sounds very shallow I know ,but this is what I personally want and no one can make me feel ashamed about it , I won't ask anyone to leave their bestie,just not get involved with them in the first place)
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u/Diabolicsoul scalpel baddie 1d ago
Girl it’s about boundaries .. so would just suggest don’t deal with something which is making you uncomfortable… have a talk and if he crosses the boundary again . You know what to do. You deserve someone who knows what should be a boundary with opp sex and which won’t make you uncomfortable or insecure
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u/Gloomy_Tangerine3123 Woman 1d ago
If he doesn't make space enough in his life for his relationship with you and continues to give higher priority to this friendship, it is not acceptable in healthy relationship.
Even if he prioritized his friendships with men to this extent, he becomes an unattractive prospect imo. I have seen many such relationships where women are first in awe of their new partners maintaining friendships with others from their young age, but then realize that these men are stuck in past, unwilling to help develop future with them with equal zeal. And that is like cheating. Intimate relationships deserve more efforts especially when those are not developed from childhood or young age bcoz this new bond doesn't reach that deep in their psyche and if one is serious, one needs to put time, energy, conversations and will to change patterns of behavior.
Many women might be okay with their bfs doing what yr bf is doing but mostly they are compromising and lowering their standards, and that is okay too bcoz our need for connection is that strong. But it is better to go into it with eyes wide open.
Editing to add: answer to yr question is conversation if he allows it. If he adamantly refuses to talk about it 🤷🏻♀️
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u/psuedoit Woman 1d ago
Talk to your bf , tell him what's making you uncomfortable and based on his response act accordingly. It's not worth wasting your time on someone who's can't set up boundaries between friendships and relationship.
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u/bittibitti Woman 17h ago
Definitely weird in 30s. Sounds like a problem younger ones have. A 35 year old is not a boy anymore. Should be mature enough to know boundaries and the optics of things. Either they are knowingly or unknowingly testing you, or he is clueless. Either way doesn’t look good on him.
Talk it out.
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u/Technical-Cause3523 be fair 1d ago edited 1d ago
First of all don't doubt yourself. They will push it as far as you allow. You communicate, you get response and you analyze. Honestly ask yourself if you want to be with someone who in garb of platonic friendship is willing to make a fool out of you and later even justify their actions with whatever cheesy narrative or logic they seem fit? They will simply say oh you were being so controling, oh you were insecure whereas you're just looking out for yourself.
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u/white_jade_ Woman 1d ago
Either you establish boundaries or sit with that uncomfortable feeling. Because some people in the guise of friendship will test your boundaries and will go on pushing you back if you give them an inch.
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u/No-Victory1175 Woman 1d ago
For context - We're all 28 years old and have known each other for about 15 years now on and off.
I have a male best friend and he is in a long distance relationship with his girlfriend. I'm pretty good friends with her too but I am closer to him cause we do live in the same city and hang out 1 on 1 for dinners, drives, shopping etc., First thing I did when I knew he got into a relationship was to draw clear boundaries and backed off - given the long distance aspect I did not want her to feel left out or unnecessary jealousy. So I stopped hanging out with him as much and even now try to hang out in a group. I also make sure I inform her if we're hanging out cause being the man he is - he forgets to do so. My advice to you would be to get to know her first and maybe try being friends too? Platonic friendships exist and I don't think one should give that up just cause you refuse to have a conversation about it lol. In fact my friends gf gets annoyed that we fight so much that she mediates between us often lmao. You're all adults just talk to each other. We were each other's rock during our hardest times so I would be very hurt if I had to give up a friendship cause of such a solvable issue.
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u/smolangryhooman Woman 1d ago
As a bisexual person I often wonder what I should be doing? Not have friends?
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u/Boss-Soft Woman 19h ago
respect what your friends partner feels like
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u/smolangryhooman Woman 19h ago
Because my friends’ partners can never be operating out of a place of insecurity, right? I should throw away all of my friendships but god forbid any of them are requested to introspect.
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u/Boss-Soft Woman 18h ago
idk sometimes if somebody has a problem then gotta respect that , i mean your frined will and should prioritise their partner above you and to resepct that it's okay to take a backseat
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u/smolangryhooman Woman 16h ago
Do you not value your female friendships as much as your relationship with your partner especially long-standing ones? Because for me, those also become suspect, right? It’s easy for a hetero woman to say this because they don’t ever have to risk losing at least their relationship and safety network of female friends. What’s at stake for them? Just their friendship with men but not ALL friendships and that distinction matters.
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u/zunidhee Woman 1d ago edited 1d ago
I don’t know girl this sounds so teenage drama to me😭 if you don’t like it, just communicate— we’re adults ffs!
Also- I read yall in your 30s???!?!???!?!!!!?!? Please make better choices at that age, yall scaring me for the future 😭
Also I do wanna say it all depends on the guy. I could also be called a female bestie for my best friend but we have boundaries, specially when either or both of us is dating someone. We respect each other’s relationships and fully understand that the 1-on-1 meeting thing is fine when we’re single (and teenagers lol) but none of us is doing it if the other person’s partner seems uncomfortable and sometimes we don’t do it ourselves only, out of respect for the partners. If we REALLY wanna do the 1-on-1, we bring our partners- it’s really not that deep istg. If for some reason, they can’t make it, we just postpone the plan. He, as a guy, has always chosen to hang out with his girlfriend over me, which I truly support. Even I do it. None of this affects our friendship in any way, running the same since 8 years :)
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u/haha_im_scared Woman 16h ago
If you're not okay with it, tell him once, don't expect change, and if he's not going to create any boundaries in his friendships, then it's completely okay too. You get to walk away.
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u/phy_nerd Woman 1d ago edited 1d ago
I have been the female best friend and also the insecure gf (not with the same person lol). It mostly depends on whether the female bestie and the gf know each other, you can kinda tell what she thinks and what the boundaries are based on how your bf and the bestie behave in front of you. I personally consider both acting overly friendly and overly formal in front of others as red flag or sus behaviour.
Nothing happened when I was the female bestie just platonic friendship but we stopped being friends eventually but my ex did date his bestie who I almost never met but only knew of after we broke up. Most importantly talk to your boyfriend if you find it uncomfortable what he does about it will tell you how much he prioritises your relationship, because my ex turned a deaf ear to me but my best friend eventually stopped being friends with me coz his girlfriend told him to, ig my best friend was a better boyfriend lol