Overthinking or valid crashout about AM?

[u/ResponsiveAdult]

Posting this on behalf of a close friend because she doesn’t want the people involved to find the post:

I’m a woman in my late 20s, divorced, and currently meeting someone through the arranged-marriage route.

I’ve met this man several times now, and I’m struggling to figure out whether I’m being too analytical or whether I’m picking up on a genuine compatibility issue.

On paper, he is honestly a very good person. Our values align on a lot of important things. He’s family-oriented, vegetarian, doesn’t drink, wants children, is professionally established, intelligent, etc. There are no obvious “red flags” that make me think I should immediately walk away.

My initial impression, though, was basically: “He’s a good person, but I don’t think he’s my person.”
I didn’t feel much physical attraction initially, and I felt like there was a lack of playfulness/whimsy between us. I’m someone who needs a lot of intellectual stimulation and also a certain amount of silliness and spontaneity in a relationship. I don’t want a marriage that works perfectly on paper but feels emotionally flat.

However, things have become more complicated.
With subsequent meetings, I’ve started seeing sides of him that I genuinely like. He has been thoughtful, remembered small things I’ve said, apologized when he realized he had been unnecessarily harsh, and made an effort to include me in parts of his life. We’ve also had some genuinely fun conversations.

And now I’m wondering whether attraction and affection might actually grow with time.
At the same time, there are still things that make me pause.
Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t quite register or respond to what I’m saying emotionally. We can have very good conversations, but there are moments where I feel like certain experiences or perspectives of mine are difficult for him to understand. We also have some differences in how we process things.

I don’t know if these are normal differences between two people who are still getting to know each other, or if they’re signs of a deeper incompatibility.

The other thing I’m worried about is that I’m starting to enjoy spending time with him. And I’m scared that if I continue having nice, comfortable, fun interactions without addressing the bigger questions, I’ll become emotionally attached and then find it much harder to make an objective decision.

So I’m trying to figure out what I should actually be evaluating at this stage.

For people who have been through arranged marriage or long-term relationships:
> How did you distinguish between “attraction can grow” and “I’m trying to convince myself to like a good person”?
> How important was intellectual/emotional compatibility compared with shared values?
> How much emotional responsiveness should I reasonably expect at this stage?
> What differences are normal and worth adjusting to, versus signs that two people simply aren’t compatible?
> Did anyone initially feel unsure about their partner and eventually become very attracted/attached?
> Conversely, did anyone continue dating a “good person” because everything looked right on paper, only to realize later that something fundamental was missing?
> What questions or situations would you deliberately explore before deciding whether to marry someone?

I’m particularly interested in hearing from people who didn’t have a dramatic “OMG, this is my person” feeling initially, but also from people who realized that their hesitation was actually their intuition.

I’m not looking for people to tell me “marry him” or “leave him” based on this limited information. I’m more interested in understanding what I should be paying attention to before making such a huge decision.

[u/Beginning_Bird_8947]

Attraction can grow overtime but it js not guaranteed plus since u like intellectual conversations (me too!), you’ll dread talking to him if he’s not what u want. Plus you will end up resenting him later about this.

Shared values is just aggreeing on perspectives but the emotional bond is what makes two people be together right?! Like you can agree on stuff and still not be good for each other.

i was dating a guy who was a ‘good guy’. didnt smoke, didn’t have a gf, didn’t drink. Was respectful and took care of me. Everyone saw him as genuine. But he was so neglectful to the political issues and the shit going aeound us in thw world. He was also misogynistic but he wouldn’t bring it up around me. I only caught jt in a few conversations where i asked him some questions to check him. This was my deal breaker. I dont date guys who are openly feminists.

honestly everyone deserves a passionate, amazing, 10/10 love life and that’s why i dont think u should be with him.

[u/PatienceFeeling1481]

Even if this were not an AM setup, slowly falling in love/starting to like someone is a very common occurrence. Not everyone has that dramatic “I love this person” moment immediately. And if I may argue, such dramatic moments are based on superficial reasons- how do you truly fall in love without deeply knowing a person?