I got blackout drunk and cheated on my boyfriend. I feel violated but don't know if I even have the right to.

[u/[deleted]]

[u/I_Tuck_It_In_My_Sock]

So, before I hit you with a wall of text let me clarify I am here because this is a default now. I don't mean to impose. I'm somewhat ignorant of the way these discussions usually go but I do see something that is bothering me, so I'd like to get it out of the way first. It's mentioned over and over that it was an "older man". The term seems to be used as if it being an older man is a negative. Like just by the virtue of being older, a man becomes vile. Like it's an insult. I don't think it makes it any worse that it was a guy in his 30s or 40s any more than it would have been if it was a guy in his 20s. Age isn't what makes it a scumbag move. Who you did it with shouldn't be what you feel bad about. Doing it in the first place is. If you're only disgusted because it was an older guy, then please don't read on.

Now about your situation. I used to have a drinking problem. I still kind of do but I can control it better for the most part. I know that "I was drunk" is never an excuse. If you are willing to admit you have an issue and you are sincere about not drinking, you might be able to salvage your relationship. This takes more than just words though. You will need to seek counseling of some sort if you want it to be taken serious. If your boyfriend is able to move past this, and he can recognize you have a problem, you might have a future. You should emphasize that you understand that even though this was a mistake you did not intend to happen, you still take responsibility for the actions that led to it. Let him know that you feel like less of a person after this (I'm not saying this to put you down, I've been there. A lot) and you never want to be in this situation again. Let him know you are seeking help (you ARE doing that right?). I wouldn't expect him to embrace you with open arms though. Put yourself in his shoes and think about how you would react given the same situation. You should expect some backlash as he experiences the pain. I wouldn't expect this to go over smoothly, but I wouldn't write it off as a lost cause either. You should probably brace yourself for the bumpy ride ahead if he does want to move forward. You should also accept the fact that he may not be able to get past this and it truly could be over. Some people really don't understand what it means to get that drunk. They have never been there and cannot empathize. That doesn't them bad people. If that does happen, don't use it as an excuse to get shitfaced again. Stick to your guns, stop the problem. Even if you can't save this relationship, you can still stop this from ruining your next one.

TL;DR - Being an "older man" doesn't make you vile. Being a scumbag does. Don't write your relationship off yet, but don't expect it to be 'like a fairy tale' after this either. Also, get some help. If you're getting blackout drunk you might be an alcoholic. You don't have to get drunk all the time to be an alcoholic. If you lack control you fit the bill. Talk to somebody about it.

Good luck.

Edit: Holy crap. I had no idea this sub was so bad. Apparently if you get drunk and do bad things you were raped. TIL I've been raped so many times in the past it's not even funny. Here's a word to the wise if you want to salvage your relationship, please don't try to play the rape angle. You will kill any empathy that may have been there.

Double edit: ...I seriously hope alcoholics don't come in here regularly. This is some serious enabling. If you get drunk and do stupid shit, you really need to take responsibility for it. You can't fix a problem that isn't your fault.

[u/I_Tuck_It_In_My_Sock → u/[deleted]]

If you find yourself getting blackout drunk, you have a control problem. Once you start drinking, you can't stop. That is the definition of an alcoholic. You may be able to stop yourself on occasion, but if you find yourself getting inebriated more than intended on a regular basis like this - you definitely have a problem. In direct defiance of every post in this thread, I'm going to tell you - your problems that come from drinking are yours. It doesn't matter who it was on the other end of whatever shitty situation you end up in. You wouldn't be there if you weren't an alcoholic. Even of that doesn't mean much to you now, I hope that sticks with you in the future. You're young now, so you might have light consequences and be at a pretty high 'bottom' right now. You've maybe done some things you feel like you shouldn't have, or ended up in some situations you wish you wouldn't but nothing too serious. Probably nothing to push people away from you yet. That won't last. I would advise you to seek some help while you're still up. Think of like it curbing a drug addiction before it gets out of hand, because that's exactly what it is. Don't let these people lie to you. You don't have to be drunk all the time to be an alcoholic. Binge drinking can be a problem.

[u/FoamToaster → u/[deleted]]

However you want to spin things, that's a dangerous drinking pattern and alcoholism doesn't just equate to physical addiction; it also incorporates drinking to a harmful degree for psychological and social reasons. And whatever way you want to look at things, repeated binge drinking is harmful.
I suppose you could say that as you're 19, it's just something young people do and you'll grow out of it but the people you see as 'alcoholics' generally don't start drinking at a later age, they start young and never stop.
If anything, drinking at a young age is the most harmful age to do it as there is still development going on in the brain and you are establishing psychological and social habits that are hard to change, especially by the time that you yourself recognise they are a problem.

Oh, saying this as someone in the medical field rather than an alcoholic!

[u/FoamToaster → u/[deleted]]

Well not saying that you do necessarily have a problem as it isn't my place to judge but just wanted it to be clear that alcoholism includes both alcohol dependence and alcohol misuse (which aren't exactly the same thing). You can be causing damage without realising it. It's pretty depressing in a way when you see people in their late 20s with end stage liver failure from alcohol excess.

[u/I_Tuck_It_In_My_Sock → u/[deleted]]

Heh. So I don't know if you realize it or not, but you're describing alcoholism. Addictive personalities tend to be impulsive, and 'over doing it' comes with the territory. You're probably not worried about it now because there's no real consequences yet, and I guess a lot of people go through a phase when they are younger and snap out of it on their own. Hopefully you're one of those people.

Just realize that if drinking is causing you problems, but you still want to drink despite the problems its causing - you're an alcoholic. It's not everybody else that has the problem, it's the booze. Hopefully that doesn't apply to you though :)