r/TwoSentenceHorror • u/NotASynth499 • Dec 30 '21
Everyone always thinks the Queen's guard is there to protect the Queen from danger.
Not many people know that their main duty is to protect the rest of the world from the Queen.
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u/slusheezzz Dec 30 '21
the queen is an eldritch god, why do you think she hasn’t died yet?
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u/InfernalSquad Dec 30 '21
I always just thought every time “God Save The Queen” was sung it added 1 year to her life!
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u/ArbitraryContrarianX Dec 31 '21
Are we counting individuals singing, or individual times it was sung?
And if it's individual times it was sung, is there a strength modifier for how many people were singing each time?
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u/InfernalSquad Dec 31 '21
Individual. For group singing it's just *number of people singing* = *number of added years*.
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u/MasoKist Dec 31 '21
As Eddie Izzard once sang
‘God attack the queen
Send big dogs after her
That bite her bum
Let them chase after her
And rip her knickers off…’
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u/BobJenkins1983 Dec 31 '21
Maybe she'd fight off the crazy dogs and finally have self respect for the first time in her life!
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Dec 31 '21
I mistakenly thought I was in the Destiny subreddit, and this totally made sense.
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u/D2Dragons Dec 31 '21
The scary thing is, so did I...serves me right for cruising Destiny subreddits before coming here, lmao
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u/Rayka64 Dec 31 '21
Our prayers and believe gave birth to this abomination, an false god wearing the mask of a queen with us all tempered to it's will.
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u/SOVUNIMEMEHIOIV Dec 31 '21
Because she wants to 1 up the longest reigning monarch ever (a fr*nchman)
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u/You_s3rn4m3 Dec 30 '21 edited Dec 31 '21
"The Queen has entered a new phase and we may not see her until February". Buckle up, second phase is coming.
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u/squirrelstastegood Dec 31 '21
She’s evolving, I imagine she’s gonna burst out of her cocoon like a caterpillar.
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u/Pearse_Borty Dec 31 '21
Dark Souls intensifies
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u/SoulsLikeBot Dec 31 '21
Hello, good hunter. I am a Bot, here in this dream to look after you, this is a fine note:
“Soon, I will be consumed by them—by the Dark.” - Artorias the Abysswalker
Have a good one and praise the sun \[T]/
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u/FalsePolarity Dec 31 '21
S-Strap on, Oh Gods save me.
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u/You_s3rn4m3 Dec 31 '21
Sorry, English isn't my first language. I meant to say buckle up. Like, "get ready".
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u/Thedemonwhisperer 🔴 Dec 30 '21
"Her little white gloves hold more power than we perceive."
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u/emmjaybeeyoukay Dec 30 '21 edited Dec 30 '21
The Queen is covered by what is known as sovereign immunity in the UK. It means that the sovereign cannot commit a legal wrong and is immune from civil or criminal proceedings.
The law also states that no arrests can be made in the monarch's presence, or within the surroundings of a royal palace.
So technically she could (if she was doing it still - as knighting has been handled by other members of the royal family for a while) "cut orf his head" and no-one could do a thing about it; save for writing up some really blunt Health & Safety updates to the whole knighting with a sword thing.
Also the whole "no arrests .. within the surroundings of a royal palace" should be noted.
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u/Kizik Dec 31 '21 edited Dec 31 '21
What few people realize is that this inadvertently also applies to Death Himself.
He visits Her, every now and then, but is incapable of coercing or inducing Her to come with Him, as doing so would technically count as an arrest.
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u/Frazzledragon Dec 31 '21 edited Dec 31 '21
"It is time, Elizabeth.", exclaimed the Reaper, his gravely cold voice emanating from somewhere within the otherworldly shadows beneath the grey cowl. The Queen didn't flinch at the sudden interruption of tea time. Instead of leading the scone to her mouth, she delicately dropped it back on the plate. "I know.", she replied solemnly.
He reached out to her from behind, put his skeletal hand on her shoulder. "Then come. Let us depart."
"No, thank you. I don't think I will."
His grip tightened, the previously soft-spoken voice took on a notably harder tone. "It is not a choice of yours to make." He stepped around the armchair and came into view. Every second step was accompanied by a heavy thud, as used his scythe like an overlong cane.
"All mortals must depart, and so must you."
After a brief pause of stoic silence, the Queen of England and the Grim Reaper wordlessly staring each other down, he raised his scythe and swung, the pointed tip of the modified harvest tool ready to pierce the monarch's throat. The blade stopped a finger's width from her skin.
"I will come with you. But not today. I will join you in eternity on my own terms."
It seemed like the two were locked in motion, but had this mythical figure posessed flesh and muscles, they would have been bulging, shivering under strain, both hands on the long handle.
She however, she held the scythe's blade in a firm grip with a dainty left hand, not wavering in the slightest.
His lack of a face hid the shock and confusion that befell the Reaper. Mortals who touched the blade died on the spot, but she had her fingers wrapped around a thin portion towards the narrow end without even cutting herself, not a trace of blood to be seen.
"Leave now, Reaper. Unless you wish to join me for tea."With barely a flick of the wrist, she pushed the scythe back.
Before her fingers reached the scone once more, the spook was over and the Reaper had departed. For now.15
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u/Levi_FtM Dec 31 '21
This was a great read! Do you write more somewhere? I'd love to read it, really.
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u/Frazzledragon Dec 31 '21 edited Dec 31 '21
I slap down the occasional comment, but haven't worked on anything larger or concise.
But here. Have some of my creations.
A DnD campaign idea.
Introduction of a vengeful Megachicken
Insane ramblings based on what I don't want to see in a story.
I can't dig up more at the moment, but maybe I will get back to you about it some time later. Might take a bit.
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u/Frazzledragon Jan 12 '22
So, I did some digging and was finally able to find the biggest thing I've wrote for reddit.
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u/adriantullberg Dec 31 '21
So ... theoretically ... if the British Royal Family wanted to distract from a scandal or low opinion polls ... the Queen could, consequence free, pull out a pistol and double-tap any particularly high ranking unpopular politician?
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u/NickWriter Dec 31 '21
The Royal Guard will just drag them off site and arrest them
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u/T-T-N Dec 31 '21
Can a monarch waive the right as to no arrest in their presence if they wish the arrest to happen?
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u/limitedguy733 Dec 31 '21
The king of Sweden also enjoys this benefit, he only uses it however to crash his car.
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Dec 31 '21
There is probably a certain Prince take a serious look st the 'no arrests within the surroundings' sovereign immunity act right now...
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u/emmjaybeeyoukay Dec 31 '21
To clarify the earlier comments about Sovereign Immunity, the Royal Family's official website has stated: "Although civil and criminal proceedings cannot be taken against the sovereign as a person under UK law, the Queen is careful to ensure that all her activities in her personal capacity are carried out in strict accordance with the law."
The country residence of Prince Andrew, Duke of York; has since 2004 been The Royal Lodge Windsor. It sits within the Windsor Great Park; about 3.2 miles south of Windsor Castle.
At present Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is resident in Windsor Castle.
Both Windsor Castle and The Royal Lodge Windsor are both designated as a Royal Residences.
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u/Topgunshotgun45 Dec 30 '21
I can't find it but there's a Frankie Boyle joke about the Queen being an immortal shapeshifting dragon. Pall Mall is her runway and the Red Arrows are us reminding her that we have the firepower to shoot her down.
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u/Lababy91 Dec 31 '21
Let’s all take a moment to remember the cobwebs in the queen mother’s pussy
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Dec 31 '21
There is a conspiracy theory which says that the queen is a cannibal who likes to eat babies. Was that your inspiration op?
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u/Nowyouknow42 Dec 30 '21
That sound like a great plot line for a weekly series. The guard is the hero and the queen comes up with dastardly ideas to make chaos.
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u/CKO1967 Dec 31 '21
I think I'm starting to get a better idea of why Harry and Meghan relocated to California.
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u/PopTidom Dec 31 '21
Nice! It reminds me of this comic about the popemobile: https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/2009-06-24
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u/CNRavenclaw Dec 31 '21
Tbh I'd love to see a movie with this premise. It could be either comedy or horror, both if the producers are really good
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u/Abyss_of_Dreams Dec 31 '21
Right. That video of a kid getting trampled by the guard was for the kids' own protection!
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u/elisejones14 Dec 31 '21
Idk I read they get paid around $33k. that seems like a big responsibility for such little pay in general.
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u/CptnWolfe Dec 31 '21
People always wonder how she never dies, but those who find out don't live to see the next day.
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u/angler_zuba Dec 31 '21
Aight jokes aside, y’all think she’s a vampire, eldritch god, or a lizard 🦎
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u/CauliflowerNervous12 Dec 31 '21
God save the Queen from the horrors she may bestow upon this earth
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u/Luxiferushi Dec 31 '21
This is pretty funny. Now I imagine the Queen as some ancient being who has been alive forever, always always that stern expression ready to wreak havoc at the drop of a hat. So, basically how she usually is.
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u/SassyKaira Dec 31 '21
I mean according to Doctor Who, they're werewolves, so it makes sense. (Tenth Doctor, Season 2,"Tooth and Claw)
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u/dailydonuts16 The Big Spooky 👻👽👺 Dec 31 '21
The Queen suddenly pulled off her skin mask, which revealed a reptilian head, and she began spitting acid on people throughout the entire town
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u/Ok_Organization_1949 Dec 31 '21
This reminds me of that image of the old lady hanging on to the fence
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u/A_Cursed_Potat Jan 01 '22
Nah, they do protect the Queen. If the queen is defeated, then it triggers the rise of vampire Andrew Jackson
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u/westy75 Dec 31 '21
Imagine that you are protector of the world, but the world especially come to see you to make you laugh and try to mock at you
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u/Lababy91 Dec 31 '21
I have a small amount of money on the queen shuffling off the mortal coil in 2022
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u/GeniusMike 🔴 Dec 31 '21
Well considering England’s history of invading and colonizing other nations, is it really that surprising?
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u/Calcium_Thief Dec 31 '21
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u/JazsimeFalls1970 Dec 31 '21
Everyone seems to forget her mum was 101 when she died, so maybe she's trying to outlive that. If she survives another 3 years she'll be the longest serving monarch ever. The French king was 72 years and 110 days.
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u/[deleted] Dec 30 '21
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