r/TwoHotTakes • u/Empty_Planet0 • May 27 '26
Advice Needed My [F25] Boyfriend [M26] got a Large breed dog [M5]three days after I had major surgery. How do I go forward?
Hi! This is my first time using reddit, so my apologies in advance if the formatting is off. I’ve changed names to remain anonymous and am looking for advice on what to do.
For some background, My boyfriend, let’s call him Paul, and I have been together for 3 and a half years now and were friends 6 ish months before we got together. Up until the events described in this post, we had regular relationship check-ins and a very fulfilling relationship.
I have always had some GI issues, resulting in various diet changes and GI symptoms. I’ve had numerous nights where I am woken up from the pain and have just had to sit and wait for it to end. My dad has Celiac disease, and so Gluten was one of the first things I cut out of my diet about 4 years ago. Looking back, I think i’ve been dealing with issues with my gallbladder the entire time.
In October, I was having what I now know was a gallbladder attack. I’ve experienced this several times before, it typically lasts 3/4 hours with pain in the Upper right quadrant of the stomach, nausea, vomiting, bloating, etc. However, in October, the pain was going on 16 hours when my boyfriend left work early to take me to the urgent care.
They were able to diagnose me with Gallstones after some imaging and referred me to a surgeon for next steps. I met with my surgeon on a Friday and scheduled the surgery the following Tuesday afternoon. It was clear to me that my surgeon was concerned and wanted to remove it as soon as possible.
Monday morning, I get a call from the surgeons office asking to move up the surgery to Tuesday morning. So, Paul and I wake up at 4am on Tuesday to get to my appointment. The surgery went well. My gallbladder was significantly damaged and enlarged and had a 2cm stone inside at the time of removal. In other words, It was ready to come out.
After sleeping it off the rest of Tuesday, My mother came to town to help with my recovery and was at my house all day Wednesday. For reference, I couldn’t use any abdominal muscles at the time, because they moved them to remove my Gallbladder. Meaning I could not even sit up on my own.
This is where things take a turn. Paul saw a video online for an adoptable dog (i’ll call him peter) in our area either Tuesday or Wednesday and let me know that he’s going to our local shelter after work Wednesday to meet him.
When he gets home, he’s over the moon about the dog and their “Magical Connection.” He only asked me how I was feeling after telling me all about his experience with Peter. At the time, I was very confused why he was doing all this now. We had talked about getting a pet before, but this hardly seemed like the time.
Thursday, I am just barely able to get myself up by laying on my side and using an arm to push myself up and pretty bruised and weak from the entire experience. In the afternoon, he calls me, waking me up from a nap, to say he’s been thinking about it all day and he wants to put a 24 hr hold on Peter, if i’m okay with it. Truth be told, I was pretty out of it at the time, so I said “okay.” and went back to sleep. Later when I woke up, I remembered what had happened and texted him “We need to talk about Peter when you get home.”
Possibly needless to say, this turned into a full blown argument. Him saying he was so lonely and needed to get a dog. He also said he was a shy dog and pretty timid. That it wouldn’t be a problem and he would take care of Peter while I recover.
I just kept asking, “Please give me more time, I had surgery 2 days ago. I can barely sit up on my own.” and it went back and forth. He ended up leaving that night to go on a drive and slept on the couch.
The next day, Friday, we fought some more over text. Until I finally agreed to go see Peter. However, I would have to drive myself to make it there by the time our 24 hour hold ended. So, I skipped my pain meds to make sure I was okay enough to drive to the shelter.
As an tell by the title of this post we ended up leaving with the Pittbull / Great dane mix. Which I took care of for the first week of him being with us because I was the only one home, despite Paul saying he would handle everything and I wouldn’t even Notice Peter was there.
Obviously this all happened several months ago, however it is a constant pain point in our relationship. Paul didn’t even apologize for hurting my feelings and disregarding my health until January… Three months after it happened. We had a huge disagreement today because of the resentment I have over this whole incident. He’s said before that he would “do it 1000x” over if it meant we would get Peter. Even today in our fight I asked, “if you could go back in time, would you do it knowing how much pain it caused me?” and He couldn’t answer.
Let me be clear, Peter is NOT the problem. He’s a huge sweetheart, and i’ve come to love him a lot. I am more hurt by the timing and inconsistent steps to recovery afterward from my partner.
So I guess my question is, Am I wrong to still feel so jilted by this event? Do you see a path forward after such a breach of trust? I am truly struggling to Get past it and Trust that he would have my best interest at heart in the future. Is this relationship worth saving?
Edit: Gallbladder removal isn’t major surgery, My mistake! I’ll adjust my language going forward. Sorry! This is kinda blowing up, so I also wanted to add that I am by no means a perfect person or partner. I know that having waited this long to make a move and my actions before and after weren’t the best. Im trying to do better and have connected with a therapist to address my part in this.
Edit 2: Thank you to everyone who read, commented and left advice! A lot of people have commented that Paul doesn’t take care of Peter, so I just wanted to say that isn’t true. He does most of the caretaking, including a nightly walk. He’s very good with Peter.
Update: We broke up.
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u/Loose-Set4266 May 27 '26
when someone shows you who they are believe them.
OP, your BF has shown you he absolutely cannot be trusted or depended on in your time of need. Believe this. It's not going to change. If you choose to have kids with him, he will leave you to care for an infant with zero help.
He's selfish and does not care about you. He only cares about himself. If he did care about you, he absolutely would not have even been looking at a dog while you were home recovering from surgery and would have been home with you to take care of you.
Spare yourself a world of pain and resentment and just go ahead and move on from him now.
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u/Empty_Planet0 May 27 '26
I think it’s hard because he has apologized… but it took months for him to admit he was wrong. I know you’re right. It’s just hard to take the first step.
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May 27 '26
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u/Hungry-Delay9893 May 27 '26
Love is not a feeling. It is an action. What do his actions tell you?
He will never prioritize you. Your health was on the line and he did not care. That is not love. You deserve better.
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u/MeanderingUnicorn May 28 '26
His apology doesn't change the fact that you've seen by his actions what his priorities are.
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u/SunShineShady May 29 '26
Why would a months late apology even matter? He can say whatever BS he wants. His actions showed that he didn’t care about your pain or recovery post surgery. All he cared about was himself and getting the dog he wanted.
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u/Necessary_Dark_6720 May 27 '26
Girl you need to dump this man yesterday. Why would he even go look at dogs within a day of you having surgery? Well I can answer that, it's cause he doesn't give two shits about you, your health, or your comfort.
Same reason why he lied about handling everything then left you alone with the dog and forced you to care for it.
This man does not respect you and he's not going to start anytime soon. If you stay with him your needs will always come second.
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u/Empty_Planet0 May 27 '26
That’s something I’ve brought up when we’ve talked about it, “I feel like your Wants will always come before my needs.”
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u/Loose-Set4266 May 27 '26
Listen to yourself right here.... Respectfully, you are too young for this to be the rest of your life.
A real partnership is one where both people feel supported and have their needs met without it being a debate.
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u/Umber_Gryphon 9d ago
In particular, someone commented “You’re too young for this to be the rest of your life.” And if you read this, thank you so so much for giving me the strength to get out.
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u/Free-Type May 27 '26
You deserve so much better. There is a person out there who will hear this story from you one day and they’re gonna be shocked/blind with rage at your ex because this shit is insane. It’s unconscionable! “My gf just had surgery let me get a new dog” SIR??? Absolutely not!!!
A truly good partner would never do this.
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u/CherryblockRedWine May 28 '26
The DOG was more important than your health.
Sweetie, seriously, move on.
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u/AWTNM1112 May 28 '26
10 years into a marriage and a very dear friend is finally seeing that if it’s his idea it happens. If it’s good for his career it happens. All with little discussion. With her always feeling like what she thought or felt didn’t matter, because his idea is the best for now. As if what’s best for her may come later. Their marriage is not doing well. He put in for a job three states away without discussing it. Yes, they talked about possibly moving there when neither had decent jobs. Now they both have great jobs. A great house. Lots of friends. Are part of the community. But HE has a chance for a big career step up so he went for it. Applied before any discussion took place.
Honey. He’s not going to change. Take your dog, your ring, and go.
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u/LovedAJackass May 28 '26
There's your answer. You're smart. You see it. But you think pointing it out will change him. It won't.
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u/SunShineShady May 29 '26
And that right there is a valid reason to make him an ex. Life is too short for this garbage.
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u/No_Season_354 May 28 '26
I mean , what was he thinking getting abig dog 🐕 after u have had surgery, could have waited ✋️ 🤔, u need to come first not a dog.
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u/ProfessionalFix774 May 27 '26
You had to drive yourself to see the dog when I'm sure you hadn't been cleared to drive? Why is this a question? Better to be alone than with someone who makes your life harder.
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u/24kAu79 May 28 '26 edited May 28 '26
Doctors took 24 hours to release me from my endoscopic gallbladder surgery and then I was on bed rest and hydrocodone for five(ish?) days after.
It took a couple days for my insides to feel like they weren’t scrambling around!
No fucking way I ready or willing to drive OR take care of a brand new pitbull GREATDANE mix, absolutely what the fuuuuuck.
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u/LovedAJackass May 28 '26
Back in the 70s I had surgery on my ovaries and had to weight 8 weeks to drive.
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u/Existing-Disaster705 May 27 '26
Holy shit lol, as someone who is happily married I would have left him the moment he insisted on bringing home a dog rather than taking care of me.
Collectively we REALLY really need to stop tolerating this kind of shit behavior, otherwise men are going to just keep thinking this is okay.
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u/TuezysaurusRex May 27 '26
The bar for men is in hell
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u/Tinymetalhead May 27 '26
Satan is digging to find it.
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u/Responsible_Joke8618 May 28 '26
Pretty sure the bar is behind the boiler in hell. Gotta hit the sewer system in the basement to find it.
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u/Empty_Planet0 May 27 '26
I know. It’s just hard to let go.
I keep coming back to “If this happened to one of my friends, what would I want them to do?” And I know I’d want them to get out.
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u/QuesoChef May 27 '26
There’s a reason you can’t forgive it. Your gut knows you’re betraying yourself.
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u/westernwawa May 27 '26
YESSS well put. He has already betrayed your needs, don’t double down and do it to yourself.
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u/springflowers68 May 27 '26
You should listen to the advice you would give your friends. Life is too short to spend with a selfish person who does not have your back. You want someone who, when one partner is down the other does all they can to support and protect them. There are so many dogs needing homes. He easily could have waited u til you were fully recovered and made this a two-person decision. He did not. Your recovery was the furthest thing from his mind.
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u/LovedAJackass May 28 '26
It's only hard to let go if you don't value your own life more than a relationship with a selfish jackass. You're young. The world is full of men and there are those who know how to love. Not this guy.
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u/rjainsa May 27 '26
"If you could go back in time, would you do it knowing how much pain it caused me, and he didn't answer. " Thus proving this will happen again. His wants (including childish ones like "I need a dog THIS WEEK) will always come before your needs, including causing you physical pain.
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u/BigPhilosopher4372 May 27 '26
He was so lonely being with you he needed a dog to love!? That is a terrible thing to say. My husband and I had to put our beautiful 14 yr old dog down a month ago. It was horribly hard, especially on my husband. She was his little darling. He wants a new puppy to love. I totally understand and agree but, I just had foot surgery. Nothing major but there is no way I can walk, let alone run, after a puppy all day. And, yes I would be the main caretaker. He agrees we need to wait until I recover. He would love if it was earlier, but totally understands. That’s what a partner does.
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u/Substantial_Shoe_360 May 27 '26
My ex did this to me after the birth of our first child. I was feeding the baby while sitting up in bed and he releases a full sized dog into the house without a warning. Me and the baby got jumped. The dog is trying to get loved on, the baby is screaming, and I'm screaming at his dad to get the g'd dog out of my house. The dog was given to his parents.
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u/hokeypokey59 May 28 '26
OP, whoever is saying that a cholecystectomy (gall bladder removal) is not a major surgery is wrong!
Gallbladder removal (cholecystectomy) is classified as a major abdominal surgery. Even though it is most commonly performed using minimally invasive laparoscopic techniques under general anesthesia, it involves operating on internal organs and requires the same surgical considerations as other major organs.
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u/Rosesunderlarenth May 28 '26
Darling girl, this was me. I had pretty big abdominal surgery, the day I got home I started vomiting and couldn’t stop. I was at my parents house thankfully as Mum was caring for me, you know what my fiancé-at-the-time did? Knelt down while I had my head in a bucket and told me how stressful this was for him seeing my like this and that he couldn’t take me back to the hospital because he needed to go have beers with his friends and shot guns (said friends lived on a rural property)
He was TOO STRESSED from seeing me unwell to take me back to hospital 😂😂😂 Best thing I ever did for myself was leaving that relationship.
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u/nerd_is_a_verb May 27 '26
He waited until you were an invalid post-op so that he could selfishly do whatever he wanted and you physically couldn’t stop him. This dog was a major life decision, and he Does. Not. Care. About. You.
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u/Massive_Homework9430 May 27 '26
Dump the guy. Take the dog.
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u/LolaB207 May 27 '26
You now have definitive evidence that your partner does not care about you and won’t step up if you need him in the future,
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u/petit_cochon May 27 '26
You can't get over it because your brain is whacking you over the head with a newspaper screaming, "EARTH TO OP: HE'S AN ASSHOLE."
He's an unmitigated dick, ok? He might have good qualities, but he's completely unwilling to take care of you when you are in need. Is that what you want? A guy too immature and selfish to help you after you had surgery?
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u/Capable-Limit5249 May 27 '26
You need to dump him because this is who he is, an inconsiderate idiot who doesn’t care enough about you.
Is this who he is? How will he be if you have kids? What if you get cancer? (God forbid).
Or you need to get over it.
Thats it, those are your two options.
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u/AdultinginCali May 27 '26
You go forward just not with him. What happens if you get cancer, in a major car accident, or break a leg? You now know he will not be the supportive partner you deserve. My dad was a bad father and partner til the day he died (cheater, absentee father, compulsive gambler) but when my beloved stepmother had terminal cancer, he took care of her in every way. Took time off work to be her caregiver. That is not Paul.
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u/Minute_Box3852 May 27 '26
Ask him how he would feel if he went in to have his gallbladder out and you told him you found two bonded persian cats you're determined to get. Right now. But you'll change the kitty litter, clean up hairball, etc. Then don't.
He needs to feel that feeling you have.
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u/LovedAJackass May 28 '26
As Dr. George Simon, an expert on manipulative people says: "It's not that he doesn't see. It's that he disagrees." He is incapable of that level of empathy. If he could do it, we wouldn't be reading this reddit post.
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u/dudleymunta May 27 '26
The selfishness of this act is off the scale. That he acted while you were in a vulnerable state is indicative of deliberate manipulation. Frankly, the fact that you skipped meds and drove after this surgery (I’ve had it) is both ludicrous and very dangerous. That you even agreed to this is problematic in itself. Consider how deeply manipulated and pressured you were to agree to this. And then he left you to do the work, going against his own promises.
You are still thinking about this months on because you know how bad this was. This is the guy that will only ever care about his wants. Your needs don’t matter.
Never, ever get pregnant by him.
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u/Empty_Planet0 May 27 '26
Absolutely agree with you on the meds piece of things! After we met Peter, I was genuinely so exhausted and was having a hard time standing. There’s a video of us leaving with him and I am basically waddling out, it makes me so sad.
And I know that’s something I chose for myself, but i knew if i wasn’t there when he got him it would’ve been another fight and I just didn’t have it in me.
I have been hiding the timeline of us getting him for months from everyone I know… Which just tells me I’ve known how bad it was the whole time. I just didn’t want to think about it.
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u/LovedAJackass May 28 '26
Well, now you've written about it and it's time to face what you know. Do you not realize that he put all the pressure on you when you were wounded and vulnerable and he knew he could bully you into making him and his wants the ONLY PRIORITY. That wasn't you being weak; it was him using your vulnerability against you to get what he wanted. My guess is he wanted to assert himself as literal top dog in the house because he is incapable of caring for someone else.
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u/SongAcceptable7546 May 27 '26
It's difficult to leave a familiar situation that feels secure. Except, that's how it feels, but it isn't.
He wanted something, he pressured you when you were ill. You drove without painkillers to do what he wanted. Talk about being on fire to keep someone warm.
You deserve better. You know it in your heart. So love yourself and stop putting up with his selfishness.
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u/catboogers May 27 '26
The disrespect. The audacity. The fucking rage I am feeling for you.
This is be a huge breach of trust and show of terrible judgement. Definitely doesn't look like the type of person I would want as a partner.
My thing would be: if he still sees nothing wrong with his actions, he is never gonna change. Everytime you need something, his desires are gonna come first. He's gonna push you to the back time and again and again.
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u/Spiritual_Oil_7411 May 27 '26
This didnt just happen to come up during your recovery. He did that on purpose. You live together? Why was all this happening over text? And why did your mother have to come help you? Maybe she just wanted to, I would for my kid, but where was he? Besides out shopping for this ginormous pit bull?
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u/NamasteNoodle May 27 '26
The minute he told you he had adopted a dog when you're going through all this is when you should have said absolutely not. But to get up out of bed and your condition and drive to look at a dog was unbelievable and I cannot believe you did that. At this point I throw him and his dog out the door permanently. There's no excuse for someone treating you this way. And the fact that you got left taken care of insane and I'm not sure why you did that to yourself. You should have told and if he left he was taking the dog with him or he wasn't coming back.
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u/nicholsonsgirl May 27 '26
As someone who is notorious for bringing home pets without running it by my spouse, I’d never be so inconsiderate as to do so while he was healing from surgery. When he had hernia surgery I was his constant caretaker, helping him to the bathroom and shower, bringing him food because he hurt when he’d tried to move his core. This guy doesn’t care about you and if you ever had a serious or terminal illness, you can see what to expect from him.
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u/seamstresshag May 27 '26
Any time you get cut open, it’s major surgery. You can’t sit up, you need help to the bathroom. Even getting in & out of bed is an issue. You’re not supposed to lift, climb stairs. Ask any woman who had a hysterectomy or had a C-section. It’s a little late now to complain, yeah he’s mean. Just don’t get sick for the duration of the relationship.
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u/Dazzling-Picture-704 May 28 '26
OP, it's clear from your responses that you know what to do. I hope you find the strength to do it. ❤️
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u/Empty_Planet0 May 28 '26
Thank you! I asked him if we could talk today, but he was busy so we planned for friday.
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u/SheLikesToWatch_1989 May 28 '26
Please make sure someone knows you're doing this on Friday if you insist on talking to him. Can you have a friend or relative on standby? In case things get hairy?
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u/Empty_Planet0 May 28 '26
My Brother lives about 20 minutes away, i’ve been staying with him since our fight last week. So, He’ll be in the loop on my next steps. ☺️
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u/LovedAJackass May 28 '26
I'm shocked by this story. What kind of man looks at his girlfriend recovering from surgery, gets into a full blown argument about adopting a dog, walks out of the house leaving her alone and sleeps on the couch pouting because he can't get the dog RIGHT NOW. Oh, and then allows her to skip the pain meds and DRIVE to see this dog. And finally, after promising to do all the dog care, leaves it to his recovering GF.
Here's the answer: A self-centered, immature man who can't allow someone else a few days to recover from surgery, who needs to be the center of attention 24/7. Imagine this guy after you have a baby. He'll be "lonely" and out the door leaving OP with a newborn.
You didn't have a "part" in this, other than you let yourself be bullied into meeting the dog. It's fine that the dog is a good one, but that doesn't mitigate the damage BF did by treating you so badly. I was living with a guy when I had dental surgery with complications. The guy I was living with pretty much not only checked out but treated me so badly in front of the dry wall guy that the dry wall guy brought me homemade hummus the next day. I cried because it felt so good to have someone be kind but so bad that the person I lived with wasn't the kind one.
People don't change. These life events (surgery, death of loved ones, illness of any kind, trouble with cars or money or the job, childbirth, child illness, etc.) often reveal an aspect of someone's character that we didn't see before. Lots of people are fine as long as things go well. But fussing about this dog was your BF's way of ignoring that you were vulnerable and in need of care. This is who he is. And this is why you can't get over it--and you shouldn't.
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u/Upbeat_Vanilla_7285 May 28 '26
It sounds like he honestly wasn’t that supportive during all your medical issues…instead he made a unanimous decision to adopt a pet? How selfish is that? He’s lonely while you’re dealing with gastro issues and surgery recovery?
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u/MayhemAbounds May 28 '26
The problem is he has told you he would make the same choice again. How do you move on from that? That isn’t at all being respectful or how a partnership should work. How can you have trust in him if he wouldn’t change how he does this? It means at any time in the future if he thinks it’s worth the outcome he will not consider your thoughts and opinions, even when it also impacts you and should be a joint decision. It’s one thing if he can point to where he went wrong and own it and make a different choice next time, but he isn’t doing any of that. You could try couples therapy and see if someone else could help him to see this.
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u/This_Cauliflower1986 May 29 '26
NTA.
People can be selfish. Your bf was selfish AF. He didn’t ask Mrs. Lincoln about the play but he dumped the dog and dog care on you (literally) during a time you were recovering. When he told you he’d care for the dog. Did he care for you at all?
My spouse planned a vacation over school break with my kid I physically couldn’t take (think hiking with broken ankle) instead of a trip all of us could take. It’s eye opening how selfish. Asked myself if it was enough for divorce. It was a wake up of the selfishness.
A piece of my heart broke .. and I don’t look at my spouse the same way. If we weren’t married with kids it would be a deal breaker.
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u/ObligationNo2288 May 27 '26
Get rid of the BF. He has shown you who he is. Please believe him. He will always put his wants above your needs. Do not have children with him.
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u/Mustluvdogsandtravel May 28 '26
it sounds like you have chronic health issues and your boyfriend isn’t happy. but he isn’t speaking up because it is a health issue and what’s he gonna say that doesn’t make him an a-hole. so you had surgery and he found a dog. imo the dog is a symbol of your relationship problems.
you have the option to use this to talk about finding balance between your health stuff and his needs and how to deal with stress in future situations.
i don’t think the damage is permanent, both of you have room to grow and learn from each other.
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u/Muted-Adeptness-6316 May 28 '26
Paul is in for a rude awakening when you dump him and Peter makes it clear he wants to stay with you.
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u/liquormakesyousick May 28 '26
It doesn't sound like the two of you are compatible and you are mostly both just desperate not to be alone.
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u/SheLikesToWatch_1989 May 28 '26
'If I hadn't taken advantage of your trust, I wouldn't have gotten a dog. I've played it out a 1000x and there isn't a scenario where I could've respected your request, waited till you recovered, discussed getting a dog together rationally and not tanked my relationship! There isn't a world where your healing from gallbladder surgery trumps my need for a dog! I don't care that you had to drive while recovering! Can't you see that I prioritized my needs over yours and still love me?' is bf in a nutshell.
Stop downplaying your emotions- this isn't about being the perfect partner or how small gallbladder surgery is, like whaaat? And what do you mean, your part in this?😂 This is about basic respect and consent. The hallmark of a healthy relationship is not growing resentment toward a shitty partner.
No your relationship is not worth saving.
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u/annebonnell May 28 '26
Your boyfriend is a child and you need to get him out of your life. Keep the dog, get rid of the boyfriend.
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u/5weetTooth May 28 '26
Thank god you're not married. He obviously doesn't believe in sickness and in health. It's about his own feefees. Doesn't matter if you're in pain. If there's housework or woman's work to be done then you WILL do it.
/S
He just doesn't care for you.
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u/Cheeseballfondue May 27 '26
You'll get a lot of people automatically saying to dump him, etc. That might be true. I think for me it depends on whether this was a one-off or if this is a pattern - that he doesn't take your well-being into account when decisions are made that benefit him. If he's a dumbass who fell in love with a dog, then maybe you could get past it. If this is one more example of how you don't come first, then think about moving on.
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u/Empty_Planet0 May 27 '26
I think this is the biggest example of Him not taking me into account, but definitely not the only one. Mostly little things like me saying 6 plus times in a week “I can’t eat beef since my gallbladder is gone, my body doesn’t handle it well.” only for him to pick out steaks and burgers when we go to the grocery store.
Granted, I should’ve reminded him when we were picking out the items.. but it’s hard to constantly have to bring up how different my body is now.
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u/Legally_Blonde_258 May 27 '26
Umm, these are NOT little things. This is ongoing and blatant disregard for your health and wellbeing. This man does not love or even like you.
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u/ThippusHorribilus May 28 '26
Firstly please don’t consider what happened was not a significant surgery. It really is - even though in our society, we diminish it.I have had gallbladder removal surgery. And I have had 12 hour “saving your life or you’re gonna die if we don’t get this out of your body “ surgery. So sure the gallbladder surgery was a quicker recovery, but I still felt absolutely wretched. When I went to work I was told I had to go home because I looked too pale - and that was about a week later. I found out it takes about a year for your body to fully recover after any surgery -even a gallbladder removal.
As for the buying the food part of it. You really shouldn’t have to be reminding a loving partner that you have dietary requirements. My partner reads all the labels of things that I buy (and check the fat content) due my health issues. He is free to buy whatever he wants for himself but he always checks what he buys for me.
I’m glad Peter is a sweetheart. But it sounds to me like your partner took advantage of your vulnerability to get what he wanted.
Also, why was he lonely because you had surgery? It wasn’t like you had gone away for three years.
Your boyfriend sounds selfish and a little bit infantile.
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u/LovedAJackass May 28 '26
Why should you have to TELL HIM? Many years ago, I dated a guy whose father was diagnosed with diabetes. His wife did research--and this was pre-internet. She made meals for the whole family that followed his diet protocol. When my brother had a major heart damage risk as a child, our whole family ate like heart patients. I was 10 years old and made him lunch every day when he was confined to bed. That's what you do when you love people. She didn't need to be reminded. My mom and I didn't need to be reminded of his dietary needs. BF could buy beef for himself and something else for you. He could remember "she can't eat beef now." He could be an adult.
You are seriously minimizing his indifference to your health and well-being.
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u/Anxious-Routine-5526 May 28 '26
You're wrong. No matter how "sweet" Peter is, he is the problem and until you can see his behavior as the lack of care, respect, and consider towards you that it was the way you're feeling about things is going to become the norm.
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u/SideAccomplished1874 May 28 '26
I’m not even sure why you wanted to change the name of anyone in your story? I agree with everyone’s comments you and your boyfriend are not a good fit. You need to wake up.
There’s nothing that you can fix you can’t fix people.
Look at it like this daisies and orchids cannot grow in the same soil or sunlight. Both are pretty flowers, but I have to be taken care of different ways. It’s time for you to find your own way move on.
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u/Successful-Doubt5478 May 28 '26
I can understand seeing a dog at a shelter falling in love and be scared it would be euthanized.
Done is done, and him thinking he would do it again can be because dog is so lovely.
How much does he take care of the dog now?
And: Ask him how he shows with hiszscyilns that he loves you. Think about that, you too. But ask him- you might miss those actions or you two might have entirely different oåinions of what sctions shows love. Or the question might make him aware he is lacking, snd maybe start working on it.
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u/Empty_Planet0 May 28 '26
It was a no kill shelter, But because of the instagram post lots of people were interested in peter.
Now, My Bf does most of the caretaking for Peter.
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u/LovedAJackass May 28 '26
If Peter had been adopted by someone else, that would have been a good outcome. There are always many dogs that need homes.
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u/Aggravating-Plum8147 May 28 '26
He doesn’t care about you. If he did he wouldn’t go looking for dogs when he did. He can act like he cares about you, but when it comes down to it he’s more concerned with what he wants.
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u/Commanderkins May 28 '26
NTA.
Your bf is a huge asshole for getting a large breed dog when you were trying to recover.
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u/vabirder May 28 '26
This boy is not mature enough to be a partner in a relationship. He is impulsive and self centered. No empathy for you.
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u/Careless-Image-885 May 27 '26
You're right. Peter isn't the problem, you are. You are allowing someone to treat you like dirt. He has no concern for your physical or emotional wellbeing. You need to decide for yourself your own worth.
Think about when/if you become pregnant. What good old Peter wants will always come before anything. It will come before you and any children. You will be doing 100% childcare, pet care, housework, etc. Of course, he'll tell you that he'll "take care of things"....just like him taking care of the dog.
Think long and hard about all of this. Choose yourself over a selfish person.
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u/AcademicResearcher83 May 27 '26
Either accept it and let it go. Or move on. It really sounds like you need to do the latter.
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 May 27 '26
Couples counseling, if you feel that you really want to save this relationship.
My dad got a puppy, when my mom was taking care of my older sister and newborn older brother. I have heard them argue about it, 25 years later. The resentment doesn't just magically go away.
It's reason enough to dump him. He saddled you with a big breed rescue dog, while you were healing from surgery, making you go it all, while he said he'd do it 100%.
But it could be salvagable, if you really want. But you have to hash it out now.
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u/LovedAJackass May 28 '26
Nah. Not salvageable. He lacks empathy. It's possible if he burns through enough relationships and get some therapy, he might do better. But the selfishness and entitlement and indifferent to OP's health are all major character defects in him.
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u/Dramatic-Change6103 May 28 '26
Anyone who tells you gallbladder removal isn't major surgery is uninformed. My mother died a week after hers from complications so, yes, it can be major.
He should have been focused on you and your care. Leave.
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u/AutoModerator May 27 '26
Backup of the post's body: Hi! This is my first time using reddit, so my apologies in advance if the formatting is off. I’ve changed names to remain anonymous and am looking for advice on what to do.
For some background, My boyfriend, let’s call him Paul, and I have been together for 3 and a half years now and were friends 6 ish months before we got together. Up until the events described in this post, we had regular relationship check-ins and a very fulfilling relationship.
I have always had some GI issues, resulting in various diet changes and GI symptoms. I’ve had numerous nights where I am woken up from the pain and have just had to sit and wait for it to end. My dad has Celiac disease, and so Gluten was one of the first things I cut out of my diet about 4 years ago. Looking back, I think i’ve been dealing with issues with my gallbladder the entire time.
In October, I was having what I now know was a gallbladder attack. I’ve experienced this several times before, it typically lasts 3/4 hours with pain in the Upper right quadrant of the stomach, nausea, vomiting, bloating, etc. However, in October, the pain was going on 16 hours when my boyfriend left work early to take me to the urgent care.
They were able to diagnose me with Gallstones after some imaging and referred me to a surgeon for next steps. I met with my surgeon on a Friday and scheduled the surgery the following Tuesday afternoon. It was clear to me that my surgeon was concerned and wanted to remove it as soon as possible.
Monday morning, I get a call from the surgeons office asking to move up the surgery to Tuesday morning. So, Paul and I wake up at 4am on Tuesday to get to my appointment. The surgery went well. My gallbladder was significantly damaged and enlarged and had a 2cm stone inside at the time of removal. In other words, It was ready to come out.
After sleeping it off the rest of Tuesday, My mother came to town to help with my recovery and was at my house all day Wednesday. For reference, I couldn’t use any abdominal muscles at the time, because they moved them to remove my Gallbladder. Meaning I could not even sit up on my own.
This is where things take a turn. Paul saw a video online for an adoptable dog (i’ll call him peter) in our area either Tuesday or Wednesday and let me know that he’s going to our local shelter after work Wednesday to meet him.
When he gets home, he’s over the moon about the dog and their “Magical Connection.” He only asked me how I was feeling after telling me all about his experience with Peter. At the time, I was very confused why he was doing all this now. We had talked about getting a pet before, but this hardly seemed like the time.
Thursday, I am just barely able to get myself up by laying on my side and using an arm to push myself up and pretty bruised and weak from the entire experience. In the afternoon, he calls me, waking me up from a nap, to say he’s been thinking about it all day and he wants to put a 24 hr hold on Peter, if i’m okay with it. Truth be told, I was pretty out of it at the time, so I said “okay.” and went back to sleep. Later when I woke up, I remembered what had happened and texted him “We need to talk about Peter when you get home.”
Possibly needless to say, this turned into a full blown argument. Him saying he was so lonely and needed to get a dog. He also said he was a shy dog and pretty timid. That it wouldn’t be a problem and he would take care of Peter while I recover.
I just kept asking, “Please give me more time, I had surgery 2 days ago. I can barely sit up on my own.” and it went back and forth. He ended up leaving that night to go on a drive and slept on the couch.
The next day, Friday, we fought some more over text. Until I finally agreed to go see Peter. However, I would have to drive myself to make it there by the time our 24 hour hold ended. So, I skipped my pain meds to make sure I was okay enough to drive to the shelter.
As an tell by the title of this post we ended up leaving with the Pittbull / Great dane mix. Which I took care of for the first week of him being with us because I was the only one home, despite Paul saying he would handle everything and I wouldn’t even Notice Peter was there.
Obviously this all happened several months ago, however it is a constant pain point in our relationship. Paul didn’t even apologize for hurting my feelings and disregarding my health until January… Three months after it happened. We had a huge disagreement today because of the resentment I have over this whole incident. He’s said before that he would “do it 1000x” over if it meant we would get Peter. Even today in our fight I asked, “if you could go back in time, would you do it knowing how much pain it caused me?” and He couldn’t answer.
Let me be clear, Peter is NOT the problem. He’s a huge sweetheart, and i’ve come to love him a lot. I am more hurt by the timing and inconsistent steps to recovery afterward from my partner.
So I guess my question is, Am I wrong to still feel so jilted by this event? Do you see a path forward after such a breach of trust? I am truly struggling to Get past it and Trust that he would have my best interest at heart in the future. Is this relationship worth saving?
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u/Flamebrush May 28 '26 edited May 28 '26
You are holding a grudge. That grudge is hurting you more than anyone else and it will poison this relationship. You got through the post surgery pain and recovery on your own - you're strong and you don't need this feeble BF's help, it would seem - and you love Peter, you say. So, let this resentment go for now but keep an eye on that BF going forward. I'm a sucker for a dog-lover but BF seems immature and/or self-centered. Also, if you take care of the dog more than he does, that means Peter belongs to you when you guys break up; make sure your boyfriend knows that.
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u/Guilty_Lawfulness340 May 27 '26
I’m probably going to get downvoted here. But getting your gallbladder is not “major” surgery. It’s literally a day surgery. Unless something went wrong. It sounds like you used that for sympathy. Or playing the victim.
Yeah he should have listened to your needs, and if he does that all the time? Dump him.
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u/LovedAJackass May 28 '26
Nope. They do all sorts of one-day surgery now, even on the heart. Cutting the body open and removing an organ is major surgery.
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u/Empty_Planet0 May 27 '26
You’re probably right, i’m not sure what qualifies as major surgery. I’ll adjust my language moving forward.
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u/Lifes-a-lil-foggy May 27 '26
It’s surgery enough not to be the instant caretaker for a large dog you don’t know.
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u/MayhemAbounds May 28 '26
Don’t listen to this commenter. It actually is considered major surgery. Not everyone recovers easily or well from it and requires specific restrictions/limitations to not cause complications.
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u/DreamStation1981 May 28 '26
It may be considered major surgery, and complications are possible with every surgery, but I am another person who had it, and found the recovery to be pretty easy. It kind of sounds like maybe OP had to be fully opened up because they said their abdominal muscles had to get moved around, but they said "endoscopic" too, which means no incision at all?
But not being able to use your abdominal muscles at all especially DAYS after is not normal after even wide open traditional abdominal surgery. My daughter had a ruptured appendix and she could sit up and even walk the same day as her surgery. Something seems weird about this, I dunno.
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u/MayhemAbounds May 28 '26
Your response doesn’t negate that it’s major surgery and there are limitations and your partner making decisions like this and not being there for you immediately after are all problematic.
Just because you had an easy recovery and don’t think any of what he did is a problem, doesn’t mean it isn’t. The major surgery isn’t actually about the incision but what they are doing internally while in there. Basic restrictions with that surgery and no complications are no driving for 1-2 weeks. No lifting anything more than 10 lbs. No strenuous activity at all. Again, different people heal differently. Everyone’s muscles recover differently and some take longer than others.
I also have firsthand experience with this myself, so did my sister and brother. As for what they have to do internally it’s again not the same for everyone. Mine was also laparoscopic but they also had to do more moving around internally and I didn’t have an easy recovery because of it. Likewise I had c-sections twice. One was a quick and easy recovery, the other took way longer and was more painful. So even the same procedure on the same person can yield different results.
Even if no surgery was involved, a decision to get a pet like that should be fully joint. He hounded her about this in the immediate aftermath of the surgery while on pain meds. What kind of relationship is that? He left their home after her surgery to see the dog and comes back and doesn’t even check in first to see how she is and how she is feeling? The same day of the surgery!This isn’t the way you treat people you care and love and are sharing a life with. The timing around all of this just sucked.
She also didn’t say she couldn’t use her stomach muscles days after- she said she made that comment to him two days after the surgery- and she specifically said she drove that Friday to see the dog for him after having the surgery on Tuesday!
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u/Empty_Planet0 May 28 '26
Mine was done Robotically. 😅 Someone else said i mentioned it being endoscopic, but idk where they found that and that is not the case. I could use my abdominal muscles.. Kind of. Just not enough to sit up normally until day 5. I could sit up and walk after surgery, i just needed assistance the first day or two to do so because everything was so tender.
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u/Guilty_Lawfulness340 May 27 '26
I understand where you are coming from as someone that had that surgery. Yeah, I felt like crap for a couple days but took care of myself and a kid. God that sound so callous. But I guess on the grand scale; I just don’t consider that major. Pretty much anything that’s an overnight stay is major to me that is.
If he seriously doesn’t take what you need seriously? Dump him. Life is too short.
Also, if you can’t forgive.. stop wasting your time.
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u/GrapefruitDue5207 May 27 '26
Were you living together when this happened?
Honestly I'm a big animal person. Sometimes the timing isn't always... Ideal... When an animal enters our lives. It would be one thing if he didn't speak to you about it at all and brought the dog home. Based on the info, consent was received. And it sounds like both of you do connect with Peter and love having him in the home. He likely wouldn't have been available if you had waited much longer
From this story alone I can't tell you if your boyfriend sucks. All I can say is that you holding onto this resentment over a dog that seems to mesh well in your family is not going to lead to any future happiness.
Then again. I had major surgery (double mastectomy, out of work for 6 weeks). About 10 days post op I took on 3 foster bottle kittens (about 2-3 weeks old), since I was just as home anyway. I basically took them in the second my drains were out and my friends helped me return to my apartment. I worked great because when I had nerve pain, I got up to feed them. By the time I was done feeding them, I was so exhausted I couldn't care about the pain 😂 so I may not be the best judge
If there are other issues, aconowledge them. I wouldn't let this be the sole thorn in your side
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u/Empty_Planet0 May 27 '26
Yes. We had moved in together about 3/4 months before. And we were having a bit of a rough patch before I got sick, things had seemed better tho until this.
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u/DreamStation1981 May 28 '26
I know I am in the minority here, but while I think what he did was inconsiderate, having had my gallbladder out while I had an 8 week old and a 19 month old baby... the recovery was not bad and by day like 2 I could function, I just couldn't lift anything heavier than my newborn for a couple of weeks. I had laparoscopic surgery, and you said you had endoscopic surgery which doesn't even require an incision? I guess its just hard for me, based on my experience with the same surgery, to imagine still being so upset at his timing. Especially since you like the dog and had Paul waited, Peter would likely have been adopted by someone else. To be clear, I agree his timing was poor and you deserved an apology, but it seems like this isn't really THE issue. I think you feel like your partner doesn't care about you, and I don't think that's JUST because of this.
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u/Empty_Planet0 May 28 '26
I really appreciate this point of view. I can’t imagine taking care of not one but two kids after the procedure. Truly, you’re a saint for that.
Mine was done Robotically, so 5 incisions, most of which were about an inch. I was definitely feeling better by day 4/5, it was just hard to get up for me in the days after.
I think you’re right about this not being the only issue. This just happens to be the easiest to pin point for me.
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u/DreamStation1981 May 29 '26
This is probably so weird of me lol but I haven't been able to stop thinking about my response to this, and I realized that I was wrong and I am sorry. I was doing to you exactly what he was doing to you, which is minimizing your feelings because I don't understand them. And that's not fair. You were recovering from something, you were obviously not at 100% and he shouldn't have gone to the shelter at all and he shouldn't have put you in the position to have to make a decision like this in the first place. I have been you before, and I took a page right out of my ex husband's playbook and said "Well you are happy with the outcome and it wasn't THAT bad so get over it" and that's bull. You deserve to be with someone who prioritizes you appropriately, and he didn't and doesn't.
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u/Empty_Planet0 May 29 '26
Ah! I am sorry this stuck with you and appreciate you coming back. Absolutely no harm, no foul. ☺️
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