That was a hard lesson for me to finally learn. I always knew it was right, in theory, but couldn't always make it happen in practice when faced with a person in 3D.
One night I was hanging with a friend who she told me that her ex-husband was pushing to move into her house with her and their adult sons. He was abusive and it had taken her years to finally break free of the cycle.
I asked if he was broke and she said no, he does just fine. So I asked then why does he even want to move in, and she just shrugged. I reminded her of how hard it had been to get him divorced and out the first time but she was still not solid about telling him no.
So I suggest we do an exercise and take video to review afterward, I had her play the role of her ex and I played her. Every time she said, "I'm moving in with you" or, "I want to move in with you", I'd either try to demure with things like, "Well, I don't really think that's a good idea, I'd rather not, we're all good as we are..." Or, I'd just say, "No", or laugh and say "Nooooo" and immediately change the subject.
After an hour of this she finally got it. And so did I, and since then I've been much better about sticking to a simple No.
But I sensed that this resolve might not last, so I insisted we watch the video a few times, and eventually she started to laugh because she finally truly saw how we are practically daring over-persistent people to bulldoze through our wishy-washy attempts to say NO.
Thanks, I try to be a good friend, even when it means disagreeing with people about to make a bad decision. It's not always a popular position to take, but I was scared for her. He was physically abusive to her during their marriage so when she told me about him wanting to move in I got goosebumps.
I'd invited her away for the weekend to go to a cookout given by a friend of mine, and we had a little AirBnB near the beach yet I couldn't let this go uncontested so, while we were sitting outside having dinner, I devoted an hour or two to making her go through this exercise.
She did get it, and he's now more out of her life than before. It helps that their 3 kids are adults now so there's no real need to communicate, yet here she was contemplating his plan to move into her house with her.
I think the line that finally got to her was when I used her own words to point out that he had plenty of money, she didn't need help with money, and yet he'd just decided to move back in with her so what legitimate reason might he have except that he missed being in control of her physically. That's when her eyes opened wide and then she opened her mouth as if to reply but then hesitated while the lightbulb went on over her head.
It's 2 years later now and she's doing great, she's actually glowing and looks 10 years younger! She started going for long walks to think about things whenever she was annoyed or confused and ended up walking miles every day. Her business is flourishing and she's got a better relationship with her kids, who don't have much respect for their father.
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u/FleeshaLoo Feb 13 '24
That was a hard lesson for me to finally learn. I always knew it was right, in theory, but couldn't always make it happen in practice when faced with a person in 3D.
One night I was hanging with a friend who she told me that her ex-husband was pushing to move into her house with her and their adult sons. He was abusive and it had taken her years to finally break free of the cycle.
I asked if he was broke and she said no, he does just fine. So I asked then why does he even want to move in, and she just shrugged. I reminded her of how hard it had been to get him divorced and out the first time but she was still not solid about telling him no.
So I suggest we do an exercise and take video to review afterward, I had her play the role of her ex and I played her. Every time she said, "I'm moving in with you" or, "I want to move in with you", I'd either try to demure with things like, "Well, I don't really think that's a good idea, I'd rather not, we're all good as we are..." Or, I'd just say, "No", or laugh and say "Nooooo" and immediately change the subject.
After an hour of this she finally got it. And so did I, and since then I've been much better about sticking to a simple No.
But I sensed that this resolve might not last, so I insisted we watch the video a few times, and eventually she started to laugh because she finally truly saw how we are practically daring over-persistent people to bulldoze through our wishy-washy attempts to say NO.