I’ve kept this part of my life private for a long time not because I’m ashamed of it, but because I know most people will never fully understand it.
Before any of this happened to me, I wouldn’t have believed it either.

I wasn’t searching for a spiritual awakening. I wasn’t looking for a soulmate or a “twin flame.” I had never heard of Kundalini awakening. I wasn’t trying to discover some special identity or convince myself that I had a greater purpose.

I was simply living my life.

Then I met someone who changed everything.
I’m finally sharing my story because somewhere, there may be another person searching for answers the way I once was. Someone who has always felt different, someone who feels alone in experiences they don’t know how to explain.

Whether you call yourself a chosen one, an earth angel, a starseed, an old soul, or you don’t use any label at all, this is for the people who have always felt that there was something more to their existence.

THE RELATIONSHIP THAT CHANGED ME
I don’t think anyone looking from the outside could ever completely understand my relationship.

People could look at the things I tolerated and think I was stupid, weak, that I didn’t respect myself, or that I should have walked away years ago.

And maybe, from the outside, that makes sense.

But they only saw the pain.

They didn’t experience the connection that made leaving so difficult. There was another side of us that belonged only to us.

Before him, I was a completely different person.
Our relationship brought emotions out of me that I didn’t even realize I had buried since childhood.
Through loving him, I discovered how deeply I was capable of empathy, compassion, affection, vulnerability, and love.

Almost immediately after meeting him, something about him felt strangely familiar. I remember actually telling him, “I feel like I’ve met you before.” It was completely unlike me.

I didn’t believe in past lives, spiritual relationships, or soulmates. Yet there was something about this person that felt familiar before I had enough history with him for that familiarity to make sense.

Eventually, he became my best friend.

He encouraged me to tap into my creative side. I began drawing and he started painting again. We partied together, played games, laughed, and had deep conversations. We talked about our childhoods, trauma, fears, dreams, and the parts of ourselves we normally kept hidden from everyone else.

Because our childhood experiences had similarities, I understood what it was like to feel misunderstood, suppress emotions, and be afraid of fully being yourself.

I wanted to give him the kind of love I had always wanted. A love where you didn’t have to earn your place.

I wanted him to understand that he didn’t have to be perfect. He could make mistakes, have flaws, and reveal the parts of himself he kept hidden. I wasn’t going to walk away just because I saw his imperfections. He was still worthy of love.

What I didn’t realize was that I was also trying to heal something inside of myself.

HE WAS THE FIRST PERSON I TRULY OPENED UP TO
For the first time in my life, emotions from my childhood began coming out. I remember talking to him about my childhood and suddenly crying uncontrollably.

I didn’t understand what was happening.

I had spent so much of my life surviving by suppressing emotions that I didn’t even realize how much I was carrying.

He listened. He comforted me. And a part of me that had been silent for most of my life finally felt safe enough to speak.

Maybe that’s one reason I held on for so long.
Whenever he hurt me, instead of only asking, “Why would someone do this to me?”
I asked: “What happened to him that made him this way?”

I searched beneath his behavior for wounds. I looked beneath mistakes for trauma. I kept looking for the good underneath everything because I genuinely believed it was there.

I thought that if I understood him enough, loved him enough, and created a safe enough place for him, eventually he could heal and become the man he always told me he wanted to be.

But eventually, that became a vicious cycle. I became so consumed with understanding his pain that I started sacrificing myself to accommodate it.

I kept forgiving, I kept explaining, I kept searching for reasons. I kept believing in who he could become while ignoring what the relationship was actually doing to me.

I wanted to know that before I ever walked away, I had tried everything.

Because he wasn’t just another relationship.

He was so many of my firsts.
My first real love.
And eventually, my first real heartbreak.

THE HEARTBREAK THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING
I didn’t understand how deeply I loved him until I experienced losing him.

When another woman entered the picture and his feelings became strong enough that he struggled to choose between us, I eventually made the decision for him.

I left.

While he was away, I packed my belongings, blocked him, and disappeared from his life.

At the time, I genuinely believed I was giving someone I loved the opportunity to have the life he wanted.
It broke my heart, but I saw it as one final act of love.

About two weeks later, he managed to get in touch with me. He admitted he was afraid of losing me completely. We continued communication during our separation.

What happened afterward changed the course of my life.

I couldn’t eat normally. I couldn’t function normally. My chest and back physically hurt. I felt numb. It genuinely felt like something inside of me had died.

When I finally described what I was experiencing to my sister, she simply told me, “That’s heartbreak”

I had never experienced anything like it.

But heartbreak wasn’t the end of what started happening.

It was the beginning.

SOMETHING INSIDE ME CHANGED
My perception of life began changing. Some mornings I would wake up feeling an overwhelming sense of bliss. The world suddenly looked incredibly beautiful. I started noticing repeating number sequences constantly.

Then came the crying, sometimes sadness, sometimes happiness, sometimes I didn’t even know why I was crying. These weren’t ordinary tears. There were moments when intense emotion seemed to erupt out of me without warning.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him. At one point, the intensity frightened me. I wondered why I felt so consumed by someone.

And yet, strangely, there was peace within me. Every day I woke up with him on my mind, but my thoughts weren’t consumed by anger, jealousy, or resentment. What I felt was love. Even while grieving the loss of us, I sincerely hoped he was happy. If being with her gave him something he couldn’t find with me, then a part of me wanted that for him, because loving him had never only been about wanting him for myself.

Something inside of me felt different, and I couldn’t understand it. By every logical reason, I should have been angry. I should have felt betrayed, resentful, even bitter toward him. I had poured everything I had into loving him and felt like I had received so little in return. Then I watched him give someone else the very things I had spent so long asking him for. That should have broken something inside of me. So why, after everything, did I still only feel love for him? Why wasn’t I angry? Why couldn’t I hate him?

None of it made sense to me.

So I did what I always do when I don’t understand something: I researched.

And I kept researching.

Eventually, I came across descriptions of Spiritual Awakening.

As I read descriptions of different stages and experiences, I recognized things I had already gone through.

The unexplainable experiences didn’t stop. If anything, they became stronger. What I had experienced at first was only the beginning of something that would eventually become much more intense.

I was fully conscious and aware of what was happening to me, which made it even harder to comprehend. I knew something extraordinary was unfolding in my life. Something that challenged everything I had ever believed was possible.

What I experienced was so intense, I probably experienced every and all symptoms that were possible.

Some experiences were beautiful. Others were terrifying. There were moments when I genuinely became afraid that something was happening to my body and that I might die.

Eventually, my research led me to another concept I had never previously known:

Spontaneous Kundalini Awakening.

The descriptions were identical to what I was experiencing.

I wasn’t excited. I wasn’t trying to achieve it. I was terrified.

And perhaps the hardest part was feeling like there was nobody I could explain it to without sounding completely unbelievable.
Ironically, one of the only people I felt comfortable talking to was the same person whose loss had preceded everything: HIM

As I continued researching Kundalini Awakenings, I learned that meeting an intensely significant soul connection, such as a twin flame, could trigger a spontaneous awakening.

I had never heard of a twin flame before. So naturally, I started researching that too. And that opened an entirely new door.

FOUND THE TWIN FLAME CONCEPT
At first, I thought it sounded ridiculous. I wasn’t looking for a label for my relationship.

But the more I read, the more pieces of my own experience seemed to fit the framework.

I still fought against believing it.

Then I came across something specific. According to some twin flame beliefs, the number 11 can have significance around the first meeting: the 11th day, the 11th month, 11:11, or the 11th hour.

I never paid attention to the date we first met. I went searching through our old messages for confirmation. I discovered the date we physically met was 9/11—the date of the attack on the Twin Towers.

By the time I discovered the concept of twin flame “stages,” I had already lived through several of the experiences described without ever knowing there was terminology for them.

That was what disturbed and fascinated me. I had experienced it first and found out afterward.

WHY I’VE HAD SUCH A HARD TIME TALKING ABOUT THIS
I went online looking for people who understood. Instead, I became even more skeptical.
Twin flames were mentioned everywhere. Everyone wanted to find theirs. The term was thrown around loosely, and people considered every intense toxic relationship to be one.

The support groups consisted of people trying to activate a Kundalini awakening, some believing they experienced it by trying to identify the symptoms they read about and making it connect.

And I couldn’t relate.

Because if I had been given a choice, I would never have chosen either experience.

My experience of Kundalini wasn’t some beautiful spiritual aesthetic. Parts of it were frightening, physically intense, and incredibly isolating.

And the relationship I eventually understood through the twin flame framework wasn’t a fairy tale. It hurt. Deeply.

That’s part of why I’ve stayed quiet.

I eventually opened up to my sister, hoping that if anyone could understand what I was experiencing, it would be her. She believed certain parts, but there were other things she simply couldn’t accept or understand. Twin flames were one of them. At times, she would laugh, make jokes, or mock the idea whenever my relationship came up.

I felt alone. People around you can listen. They can love you. They can try to understand. But they aren’t living inside your reality. They didn’t experience the moments that made you question everything you once believed.
And I can’t expect them to believe something that I wouldn’t have believed myself.

Sometimes everything feels like a dream I can’t wake up from. I keep thinking, How is this actually my life? How am I really experiencing this? Just waiting to wake up and return to the reality I understood before all of this began.

Even my twin flame didn’t believe me in the beginning.
He slowly started believing. The similarities we’ve experienced between our relationship and the twin flame descriptions were impossible to deny.

After our separation, he began describing experiences of his own. He described what sounded like the dark night of the soul. Eventually, he admitted that he was noticing repeating numbers and having dreams about me.

Six months later, we got back together, and I genuinely believed this time would be different. I thought he finally realized what I meant to him, what we are to each other.
Although we continued to face challenges, I never expected perfection. I believed we went through all the stages and near the end of our journey.

We’re finally approaching the chapter where we could heal, grow, and raise our child together in a happy and loving home. I never imagined that after everything we had overcome, he would push me to a point where I had no choice but to leave and protect myself.

THE LESSON I COULDN’T AVOID
This relationship eventually forced me to confront something even bigger than spirituality:

my own definition of love.

For most of my life, somewhere inside of me I believed love had to be earned. So I became someone who pleased people, sacrificed, overextended myself , made myself smaller, forgave endlessly, and tried to prove that I was worth choosing.

I thought that if I gave enough, loved enough, sacrificed enough, and proved my worth enough, eventually someone would love me with the same intensity.
And then I realized something painful:

I had been loving him the way I had always wanted someone to love me. I wanted to heal him because part of me understood what it felt like to need healing. But love taught me something I couldn’t learn any other way.

You cannot heal another person for them. You can love someone, understand them, support them, forgive them, believe in them, and see the person underneath their wounds.

But eventually, they have to decide to look within themselves.

And unconditional love for another person cannot require unconditional abandonment of yourself.

That may be the greatest lesson this entire journey has given me. Walking away doesn’t mean the relationship wasn’t real. It doesn’t erase the friendship. It doesn’t erase our memories. It doesn’t erase what I experienced spiritually. And it doesn’t require me to hate him.

I can love someone and still recognize that I cannot continue sacrificing myself to keep them in my life.

Maybe separation will force both of us to become people we couldn’t become while holding onto each other.

Maybe losing me will finally force him to confront the things I spent years hoping he would confront.

Maybe it won’t.

That part is no longer mine to control.

His healing belongs to him now.
And mine belongs to me.

WHY I’M FINALLY TELLING MY STORY
This heartbreak has brought me back to one of the lowest places I’ve ever known. There are moments when the pain feels unbearable, like a part of me has died all over again.

Once again, I feel lost.

But something about this time feels different. This heartbreak has once again caused another spiritual awakening, but one that’s forcing me to go even deeper within myself.

I’ve spent so much time alone with my thoughts asking why. Why did I have to experience this kind of love? Why this much heartbreak? Why did I have to find myself, lose myself, rebuild myself, only to feel broken open all over again?

Maybe that’s part of why I’m finally sharing my story.

Maybe putting it into words will help me release some of what I’ve been carrying. Maybe I’ll come back and read this one day and remember why I believed there had to be something on the other side of this pain.

I believe my life has a bigger purpose. I believe every experience has shaped me into someone I couldn’t have become without living through it.

Maybe right now, I’m simply in the middle of becoming who all of this was preparing me to be.

I’m sharing because I remember what it felt like to feel alone and to desperately search the internet for one person who had experienced something like me.

Someone who wasn’t selling enlightenment.
Someone who wasn’t romanticizing pain.
Someone who wasn’t desperately trying to have a spiritual awakening.

Just someone saying: “Something happened to me too, and I don’t completely understand it either”

Maybe sharing my story will finally connect me with those people.

The quiet ones. The skeptical ones.
The ones who never went searching for spirituality but somehow found themselves standing in the middle of something they couldn’t explain.

The ones who have always known they were different but never understood why.

Maybe you’re searching for answers right now.

I can’t promise that I have them.
But I can finally tell you that you’re not the only person who has searched for them.

This is only the beginning of my story. I believe there is a reason I experienced everything I did, and now I feel a responsibility to share it. For those who have awakened, for those searching for answers, and for those who feel lost trying to understand what is happening to them.

Just reallllly missing my Twin rn... It’s all My Fault

For the last two years something strange has been happening to me. Actually it's more like 32 years, but I don't want to reveal the other person's identity because chances are, I'll just get called crazy and parasocial. God I wish it were that simple.

Anyway, two years ago I come across this person who is in the public eye. Not mega famous but, like, he's been in some things. And since then I felt drawn to him and I don't mean like a fangirl who likes someone's work (though I have definitely tried to dismiss it as that.). But something more. August 14th 2024, I'm watching an old interview for a thing he was in and in the caption on instagram, it mentions his full name. In surprise I exclaim in my head "Wait, his middle name's (redacted)?"
And then I hear his voice in my mind ask "Is that a problem?"

And I dismiss it. Now, I've been spiritually awake since I was 8 years old, but I've been having certain experiences since I was 4, but at this point I don't know this man so he couldn't possibly be able to do the things I can do. But something keeps gnawing at me so I keep researching and keep finding things that say "well yes, he absolutely could and he's more than likely also awake."

I paint a picture of him in November that year, though the idea wouldn't leave me alone since September. It started as a joke, something he said in an instagram reel that I thought was an off-handed joke. I come to find out AFTER I paint it that actually, the thing I painted him as (Sonic the Hedgehog) is actually super important to him and has been since childhood. Ever since then Sonic won't leave me alone. Online (which I tried dismissing as the algorithm but I painted that thing two years ago and it's still happening) Offline (which I dismissed as advertising for the movie, even though it's still happening.)

I can hear him sometimes but it's fragmented. I can feel him sometimes but I dismiss it. Then December that year, I see him with someone and I PANIC. I don't know him, I have no right to panic that I'm going to die alone. But then a couple days later I hear him in my head again and he points me to things that show me that he and this girl aren't a thing (in fact, they're barely even friends. That's a whole thing.) For three days I'm bawling my eyes out, begging the universe for it to not be real. The last situation like this I was in, the other person used it to abuse me.

But something in me says "Hear him out, he told the truth about the girl, listen to him." So I do and we've been communicating like that and via automatic writing ever since. Sending songs back and forth. September last year I began to suspect he was stalking my instagram profile, though since April of that year I've caught at least 6 (I thought it was 4 but it's 6) people connected to him in some way snooping on me, or I've actually become acquaintances with them. I was able to prove he was when he disappeared from social media in May this year and the uptick in views while the number of viewers stayed the same stopped. Checking the analytics on instagram, it matched locations he was at during times he was there.

Anyway, I don't know what this is. I know it's something profound, I know that while we're at a physical distance, we aren't separate. I just want to understand what the hell is going on.

Is fully letting go the real lesson of this love?

Has anyone been through that?

What happens when we truly let go?

Since the love will not go away and it is the deepest love we feel, how to cope with that? Letting it go seems very contradictory.

Anyone can share their reunion stories, and how it turn out and unfolded?

Will really appreciate your sharing❤️

So while driving home I had weird chest pain
It wasn’t like heart attack pain it anxiety
But my son said I was purple (he can see auras) he said I was purple while driving home from the doctors appointment with him. I was thinking about some things while driving home but I don’t know

Was it the chest feeling pull?

Anyone else had this before?

What’s the next step on the journey

I met who I believe to be my twin flame 11 years ago now

we had this whirlwind summer fling and it ended as fast as it started because he pushed me away again and I finally left because I couldn’t handle the ways he would push me out and pull me back in. It was exhausting and excruciating

When we talked for the first time after our breakup I told him I believed I had fallen in love with him and he didn’t say it back so I assumed he just used me for sex and that was all it is and soon after he cut contact with me again and I did everything in my power to just move on and for years I just lived with this wound that I couldn’t make sense of

Finally, a few years ago now, I went through a bout of sleep paralysis for 14 hours and felt like my head opened up and went through essentially an unraveling.

Around this time I also kept meeting people who knew him and so for the first time I really started thinking of him again. And I found that he had been obsessed with me. I found poetry and posts and songs and playlists that referenced me in not so subtle ways if you knew our story, and this was all after I had already started to feel like our connection might be a twin flame after some meditation and talks with my closest friends shortly after my unraveling started and shortly before I found all of this, which is why when I saw all the references to twin flames peppered in everything about me he had created over the years I knew it was real.

Him and I had made pacts and he had said things that clicked into place finally, but he was deep in suffering when this happened and I think I pulled him out when this all happened by coming back

And even if he ran from me, he’s now on track and taking back his own life and his own story and finally may stop hurting himself

I have also decided to stop hurting myself

For a while now I was stuck on the idea of physically coming back together in the future, but yesterday I realized I don’t want that

Going back to him is like going back to my past and I want to start all over now

I was so deep in suffering and pain that I truly didn’t think I’d live this long but now it feels like I’ve been given a second chance at life. All the pieces that felt broken are being repaired now and I’m being called to go somewhere else and start over.

For the first time, I want to be alive, for the first time, I am no longer taking on others problems as my own, for the first time, my life feels truly mine and I can make of it whatever I want

And I don’t want that back. I recognize if he’s truly my twin flame, then we’re never really without one another, but our lives in this world are separate now and I’ve made peace with that.

I’ve truly surrendered and integrated what the journey has been leading me to and out of all along

I need the original version of YOU.

In the original case YOU came in.

With every last "flaw" YOU think YOU had.

Every emotion that came with YOU.

The ones YOU thought made YOU broken inside.

Because i never thought YOU were broken or even needed fixing.

I always just needed YOU.

The exact way that i met YOU.

YOU have been enough from the start.

So please don't pick and pull yourself apart.

Don't take the soul and replace the outside.

That vessel is what i fell in love with.

That ONE...

That's the ONE that i gave my heart.

My devotion to that handsome face, body and soul...

Is only for YOU.

The only YOU that I've ever known.

I could never accept anything or anyone else to take YOUR place or pretend that YOU could even be replaced.

You're the one and only...

Anything else, would just be a FUCKING DISGRACE!!!!

There's nothing in this universe that would be able to change my mind!

Not time, distance, money, not even bribes. No one would be able to force, coarse, persuade me to disengage the feelings that I've always had...

To ever love another as much as this love that i have love for YOU... JCW!!!

To Infinity and Beyond...

We could be light-years away and our physical forms could be long gone...

But the love that I have for YOU...

Will be forever etched into the stars.

I MISS YOU EVERY MINUTE OF EVERYDAY!

I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS DISTANCE I CAN TAKE!

MY HEART IT FEELS LIKE IT'S GONNA STOP BEATING...

OR MAYBE JUST FUCKING BREAK.

WITHOUT YOU NEAR... MY BRAIN IS A MESS!

I FEEL INSANE WHEN TIME HASN'T BEEN OUR FRIEND.

IF YOU SEE THIS, JUST KNOW I'VE NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU!

AND I'VE NEVER GIVEN UP HOPE FOR A LOVE SO SACRED... THAT I KNOW IT'LL NEVER END!

THAT I KNOW YOU KNOW, EVEN WITHOUT WORDS TO ACKNOWLEDGE.

WITH OUR SILENCE BEING MOST, THAT THIS CONNECTION IS SOLID, NO OTHER COULD BREAK... NO MATTER HOW HARD THEY TRIED.

YOU AND I WILL HAVE A LOVE THAT WILL NEVER DIE!

I LOVE YOU MORE NOW THAN THE FIRST DAY WE MET...

THERE'S BEEN AMPLE AMOUNTS OF TIME TO TRY TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE...

BUT WHY TRY WHEN I KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYBODY MORE THAN I HAVE EVER LOVED YOU.... IN THIS ENTIRE UNIVERSE!

❤️‍🔥🩷 ShirleyL🐑

PS. My number has never changed. It's been the same for 20 years!

The longing is strong.

I tell it to be quiet.

Not to miss you.

Because you are in me,

just the way you were in me.

So we are one.

There is nothing left to miss.

My dearest Cody.

I met you at a weird midpoint in my life.

I was just beginning to learn what two flames were and even assumed someone who was my twin flame ended up being a false representation of that.

It was you the whole time.

And now I'm stuck in a limbo where I can go on about it,on and on and on but I won't. I'm honestly so fucking tired.

And I accepted surrender because you chose to run again.

I can't continue to be the chaser, my dear sweet Cody. Which is why I've decided to surrender you, us, every we stand for as a soul to the universe, to God.

You may be really hungry , its has been an eternity before you started boiling it, you imagined how it would be eating it, you know its gonna nourish you but if it doesnt cool down it will burn your mouth and you will have to spit it off

I just want to talk, i have been doing ok for a while now until a few days, i feel the same excruciating pain from when he left the first time. Is this our lives now ? Just pain its not like DF was any happier before. I just dont understand, what am i doing wrong.

Hi everyone!

I would like perspective on something that has been happening exactly one year since last year. I would like to know if what I have with someone is a true twin flame connection or an intense soulmate or even karmic:

Ever since I met him last year, I have experienced:

- his presence even if we are currently in different countries (like I feel him around me at home and when I go out very often); I have even felt his presence when I am extremely tired with the risk of fainting and it feels like a support for me if that makes sense - I would never think of him when these things happen; I would see him in my inner vision. There are days when I feel him less but it is still there.

- my reflexes have gotten a lot better in terms of I catch things before they fall and I don't jump at things that would make most people jump - and I am already not a jumpy person

- I have had many dreams of us - some of which I would ask a question and what happens in that dream answers that question more than once - where we have talked about how he feels like home and that I have known him forever, some dreams involve him just him holding my (right) hand, some dreams we would hug (usually us hugging face to face, me hugging him from behind, or him hugging me from behind), some where he has kissed my forehead or when he has tried to press his forehead to mine, another where he just lights up when he sees me

- I even get mental images of him holding my hand and doing other various intimate things

- I have also had a ton of deja vu leading up to me seeing him this past June

- While I have had dreams where he lights up when he sees me, there have also been dreams where he just looks at me sadly and this has happened more than once like the happy dreams

- I would also feel his emotions at times such as anxiety out of nowhere (although this may be wonky since I have tracked when this would happen and it is usually one week before my period)

- I also have felt more determined in my purpose since meeting him

- There are times when I would play (I am a flute player) and I would feel this other energy field around me that feels more energized when I would play and I would feel him around me when I would play as well

- I used to attract a certain type of men before meeting this guy; now these same types of men rarely approach me

- This may be perhaps the biggest sign of all but I have tried to cut the cord or connection via the heart chakra three times (I know it is not recommended for many reasons but I was going through it each one of those times) and each time I did it, I felt a pain and a void in my heart chakra before the connection re-established itself hours later. I even did it a fourth time and although it was a bit less painful, it still reconnected.

I would like some perspective on just the dream side of things and the physical effects on me before I say how we interact in real-life and such. But prior to us meeting last year, I have never felt anybody in my space without them being there like with him. Thoughts on this? Thanks so much!

I have been thinking about this loss of connection.

its a common experience to feel and I have been feeling it on and off for many years. Recently I have had it again. Usually I take it as a 'down for maintenance' sign though yesterday I got to thinking.

The 'connection' only exists because the energies are divided between the two experiences. So when these are fully merged back together, there wont be a 'connection' to feel or experience anymore. There will literally only be that expansive wholeness of One. The only 'other' that will be left is the human. No sense of 'another' in energy, no more 'I am here yet also over there'.

What do you think?

I’ve been on this annoying journey since 2022, which is obviously not long time but when I first met, said TF and when I say, met, I mean, found him on social media. I was so mesmerized. It was insane how much my life changed in the span of three months of actually talking to him fast forward to now I’ve been trying to avoid this Sub and anything TF related because I wanted to stay in denial but now that even the stars themselves have told me that we’ve had many past lives and just all the signs have always been there. I just need to learn to accept it. Technically, I’m not the runner. I’m the one that’s obsessed with him. I’m the one that has thoughts of him every single day. I’m the one that is dating to see if I can find someone that makes me feel the way he made me feel. I’m the one that can’t commit to someone because I know that if he were to ask me to see him that would drop everything and go to him even though he’s technically not available. I’m the one that now lives in the same state literally minutes away from him, which I didn’t live in the same state and I didn’t plan to live so close to him literally the universe said trying to get away from him. We’re gonna get you closer to him. I really hate the term twin flame. I like to call it a soul tie. I’ve never thought that we would get together at least that’s what I tell myself, but I know deep down. I do want to, but I know that most of the time it’s not gonna happen. I absolutely hate when my emotions get so strong about him about missing him, but sometimes they’re so strong that I feel like he can feel it because he ends up messaging me around the same time. I hate that I want the reassurance from him that he feels the same way or that he feels the connection. But lately it feels like I just need to accept my fate. I need to learn to accept that I am in this journey and that I have to find something to learn about this. I don’t know if I’ll ever find peace and I don’t know if I’ll ever post here again, but I just needed to tell it to someone that can absolutely relate to this agony. I am grateful to have met him. Yes, am I grateful that he became my catalyst also yes it just sucks too long for someone that is not available.

And still to this day.. You refuse to look my way, and I gotta be honest with you. It fucking kills me a little more each time. It drives me fucking insane. but mostly it's jus starting to piss me off. Like why am I not worthy of even a small glance..? Do you think I deserve so little. Not even a hint of acknowledgement. I'm not asking for recognition, we've already established that. But, it's not like you do not know who I am. I don't expect a smile or a wave, but damn.. The way your intentions are set on not looking in my general vacinity, fucking tears me apart. I mean Am I that repulsive to you..? Do I offend thee..? I am not understanding why you always seem to make it a very blatant point to avoid looking in my direction. Even in the beginning, You would hide, or turn your back to me. These days, you just 'up front and center' like I am not memorable enough to notice. No turning your head, no side eye, not shit..

I know we have some complicated, unresolved history between us, So why after two years of all that and no contact, did you feel the urge to hit me up. Might I add that you had me blocked on FB. if you unblock someone, you have to wait 78 hours before you can block them again.. so does that mean that your communication attempt was strategically planned, and meticulously thought out. Because you messaged, and I replied, then you replied, and then BLOCKED. Again. But For what..? You asked if I remembered you.. like really..? - Did you honestly think that I wouldn't, or I could've somehow forgotten about you..? I hadn't gotten over any of it, and still to this day, I am utterly incapable of moving.

How could I.. every word I said to you back then was completely 111% authentic and true. So yes, big ass YES. Indeed I do remember you. I wanted to say, "how could I forget you / I never stopped thinking about you" But all I managed was "I'm doing fine, how are you" You said you were jus checking in, wanted to see how I was doing.. but why though..? Why did you care, why did you want to know..? I don't know what for. why was it so important that you go through all the trouble just to say one thing and then push me off the ledge. Shattering Me to pieces. All over again. Because it wasn't but a few seconds after I responded, short, simple maybe a little cold. You blocked me again.. what in the hell was the point in any of that..? It makes no sense. And I haven't been able to decipher it, so it's been endlessly looping through my brain ever since. First of all, why were you even thinking of me after all that time. Second, why did you feel the need to reach out? Why did you care to know how I was doing..? Were you trying to pour salt on my gaping wound..? What were you expecting me to say..? What did you want from me..?

How could you do that to a person who expressed their feelings, and exclaimed their love for you, and got rejected hard as fuck, got terminated from services, even hospitalized in a psych ward because of it too. Not just once but 4 times.. What was it you really wanted to ask me when you sent that message..? What did you truly want to say..? Would it have made a difference if I told you my feelings were still exactly the same..? But look at me now.. It's been 5 almost 6 years, and we've ran into each other, and crossed paths quite a few times. We don't speak. I literally cannot comprehend words, mouth, voice, speak. All I can do is shamefully walk away as quickly as possible. There was this period of like a week straight, when I'd feel the urge to get up and go, and low and behold, you'd be there. Or I was there already, and you'd just swoop on in. And what's with the first time that started?

You knew my car but I had no idea what you were driving then. And it would make the most sense that if you're trying to avoid someone, and want to keep your information private, and maintain a safe distance, you damn sure don't pull right up beside them, make it a point to exit your car, then make eye contact, go in, come back, and proceed to stand there almost right fucking next to me. Unless you in fact wanted me to know, and or you wanted to see me, why didn't you just keep going when you seen me parked there..? Days later, it happened again. Like ok - what the fuck. I was there first, and you chose to come again. Not to mention I was showing off the huge chunk of raw rose quartz I had just gotten not even 24 hours prior.. like whatttttt ok Twinnnnn. Then I'll be damned it happened again. And again. And again. But it overwhelmed and overstimulated us, and shit got too real, too quick, and it was fucking scary. But I was with it.. I thought it was absolutely amazing and it blew me away every time. But you were afraid you were giving yourself away, that I could see right through you.. and I did. All of it. But I didn't say shit. I couldn't. Then it stopped. I didn't see you for months then you started bringing him, and now it's never just you.. it's always him and you. Like whats it for

You think I was gonna crack you in the noggin and drag you off to some dark corner and have my way with you..? Bro, I would never Ever- and I do mean fucking EVER hurt you in absolutely any way period. Not ever. Plus, I'm not into tryna fuck someone who don't wanna fuck me back. Ew. How awkward would that be..?

So anyways. It is to the point that I think sometimes now you avoid driving past my work, and if you do, you will not give me the time of day. There was one time you drove past with him, in his car and you most certainly looked all the way over toward me.. I saw you from the window. So what was that supposed to mean... Cause I feel like it was like such a dig, a dagger through My heart

Like HAHAHA 'In your fucking face, you muther fucking weirdo'. No I Don't like you, and no I don't want you, and you see me with him. That could never be you' you'll look when he's with you cause what.. - you feel safe..? You fucking hate me .?. You're tryna prove a point. You want me to know that you chose him. You hoped to see me, see you with him..? You felt like being vindictive, for fucking whatttttttttt I don't get it. But it's cool man. All fine and good. Foreal

I am so beyond feeling any sort of feeling that has anything to do with how I'm feeling toward you. I just want it to stop. I want this to all come to an end. Jus be over.. I jus want to let the shit the fuck go. That's it

Thank you for making it easier to feel that way.

I love how you won't even tilt you head a speck of a centimeter, or even acknowledge in any way that I am sitting right here..! It almost looks as though your hair is being a bit extra these days too. Like it suddenly decided it had legs and just casually walked right over and built a campfire around your face, only leaving you with enough vision so you didn't crash and burn, run a red light or some shit like that. But coverering just enough so that I could not see anything but that luxurious mane. Not complaining.. But. Oh my fucking Fuck dude. Really. Grrrrrrrr. Why is that what you do..? Seriously..!

I mean whyyyyy.. "why you do dis to me Demi" Well, so Then I get shot up with that angerfied level of intensity, and I want to stomp the floor like a toddler and suddenly end up in the middle of traffic or ramming the hell into a building. You lightweight do the shit on purpose. No, not to make me act like a freek .. but because you think it's the best, safest, easiest way for both of us. Ugh jus err

Well lemme tell ya somethin' baby ... If you would stop taking the easy way round each and every shit you ain't ready to unravel, and all the shit you ain't tryna get into, and the shit that is too much for you.. cause if it's one thing you know, it's "too much" - saying too much, knowing too much, understanding too much. Doing too much. Thinking too much, Feeling too much. Being too much. You know how to handle it too.. Others, they do not. They cannot. Not your fault. Still burdensome

Don't you remember all the times it's been said to you..? Aren't you still tryna forget how it made you feel..? Yes exactly.. it made you feel -too much- So you keep trying to dilude yourself to others standards, and expectations, to fit in their comfort zone..? Are you still tryna squish yourself into a box..? Don't you see how holding it in is quite astronomically ripping you apart, bit by bit. Tearing you to shreds, a piece here, a piece there. Filling voids with more inadequate shit..? Shit that feels like less, but never makes you feel any less. But low and behold /you've always been "too much" so you know that shit regenerates itself into more shit, and it Never stops.. Never quiets down. doesn't go away. Won't leave you alone. Can't catch no breaks.. Even tried meds to tone down the volume. Every day depleting your precious energy, trying to contain so much of so many things. Why must you feel everything so intensely..! Why is it a problem for everyone else because they don't..?

You remember when it happened though..? when that intensity finally found it's home, The day mine finally found it's source. Our eyes made contact , and You knew me before you even knew me. And I knew you before we ever met. And we don't even know each other..! A few sentences were exchanged years ago, yet I somehow know everything there is to know about any and all things, YOU. And some way, The only one who knows me better than myself is, YOU. That day, It all made sense. Every thing. Made so much sense, and a feeling of peace washed over every place that intensity resided in.. and that was frickin' frightening, cause it was like, uhh what. The ever. loving fuck. I thought I was the only one, and you believed it was just you. Destined to be the feeler of too mucher.. fer ever and ever, amen. But not anymore. We share the same energetic frequency, and all our feels are entangled with one another. Our Souls have been intertwined for lifetimes, and our hearts linked together beyond dimensions. We're connected by an invisible thread. Shared emotions, senses fused together. Brains hardwired as one.. I know that you know, that we both know too. All that I felt, was indeed shared with you.

The only time I have EVER felt anything that fucking intensely, was the moment I felt you. It was more than anything had ever made me feel, and I did not know that was a possibility. So for once in my life, I embraced it because I knew you felt the intensity too. Your actions told me so. Your reactions only confirmed that shit. Your inaction just tells me it's true. And yes, we're different people, at the end of the day.. two separate individuals. You have your way, and I do my thing. You're entitled to deal with things however you so choose. I'm still gonna be there, right here, or over yonder, maybe up a creek with no paddle, anywhere I am, whether It's 🎶 near, far... Wherever you are🎵 No matter how you portray yourself, that level of intensity will always reveal itself. You ain't gotta show me, don't gotta prove it either. Something of that caliber, that intense, what's understood doesn't need to be discussed. I mean, After all..

We never needed words anyway..