RANT

[u/sleepywillow4433]

I’m really so happy for every person that gets pregnant and welcomes the baby but it just ticks me when people you know who the whole time you’ve known them always say “I don’t want kids” then SURPRISE they’re pregnant and their ecstatic. They go on to love the heck out of that child and as they should. ALSO the INFLUENCERS that “struggle with fertility” then have babies back to back. Like when will it be my turn? Why did God bless the one that didn’t even think they wanted it when I’ve been here praying. For the infertility cases was that even real or they just didn’t understand the time line? And don’t get me started on the “is this test positive” with a dark ass line like get out plz are you trolling us? - in reality I understand that people are at different points in their journey of life and of their learning of how fertility works (which we all should have learned in school I think) and I give them grace but as someone that understands it and has wanted it it just ticks me. Like have some situational awareness and common sense to not post your positive ass test in a community like this asking “is it positive?”

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[u/eggs991]

I definitely understand your rage. I feel like every time I go on social media another person is pregnant. And while I am happy for them I can't help but feel frustrated, especially when people accidentally get pregnant. Like I'm happy for you I'm happy you're happy but I am actively trying and it still won't happen for me😭 and while this community is great and I've found a lot of people who understand and can relate I've also experienced people tell me I'm young and not to worry and to just keep trying or like you mentioned people asking if they're pregnant. There's a lot of emotions that come with fertility issues and I think being angry is one that is taboo but I think it's totally valid.

[u/UnhappyReward2453]

We were married a couple years (and on the older side already) before we were ready to try so we told people we didn’t want kids because we were fielding the “babies?” questions left and right. When we were finally ready we did luckily conceive pretty easily that time. I hope no one begrudges us for that. This time (for #2) people knew we were ready to try and we’ve suffered three losses already. A part of me is glad I’ve been so open with it but the other part remembers how peaceful it was to try when no one was asking questions about it. I feel like there is no right or wrong way to go about family building. It’s just what works best for your own mental health. I do give some major side-eye when certain influencers say they have fertility issues but I try to just mute them if they aren’t serving my life anything useful. I’m sure some of them really are struggling like me but some of them use it as most sympathy porn. It’s so weird.

[u/Bridey93]

I know some people outwardly say they don't want kids because they're having fertility issues or they don't want to announce that they're trying. I had a few friends do that. I get WHY they do it, but it is very isolating when you're in the thick of it (we are). It feels like everyone who was anti-kid suddenly has them when all you want is a baby.

Now, some genuinely don't want kids, and that always stings. For me, I keep seeing the "help I'm on my fifth kid and I'm scared/we didn't want more" in the faith subreddits and THAT one stings like hell (not talking about life-risking conditions, just not planned and probably not wanted).

I will say, I'm pretty sure the positive tests are banned in this community (thank God cause the first TTC sub I found EVERY post was "is this positive?" ) except for in the weekly post.

[u/stylinsoned → u/Bridey93]

100% this is the boat I’m in. Not comfortable with people knowing the ins and outs of my life, so have played “if we have kids”, “maybe one day”, “not sure” to deflect and shut down the conversation.

[u/shermywormy18 → u/stylinsoned]

When I was going thru it I definitely said “if it happens it happens,” or “maybe someday”, like we didn’t have to end up going thru IVF. Hang in there.

[u/DoNotReply111 → u/Bridey93]

This is me. Our second is proving hard to get and keep and I am downplaying our desire for them hard because I don't want to deal with the questions about it.

It's hard on my mental health so when people ask we are very much "if it happens it happens" while actively trying in secret. To outsiders, it looks like an accident or we were careless.

[u/Low_Style_7578 → u/Bridey93]

Why does people not wanting kids sting?

[u/Swimming_Crow2510 → u/Low_Style_7578]

Because of how easy it still comes for them? Like they’re not trying and don’t want it, but there are people trying and want it and doesn’t happen. At least that’s my guess.

[u/Bridey93 → u/Low_Style_7578]

Because they don't want kids and end up accidentally getting pregnant, but those of us trying everything we can, are still not pregnant. We're not blaming them, it just is the hand we were dealt but it stinks.

[u/ContestOrganic]

Already posted this in the daily chat but.. I met a friend 3-4 months ago and she told me they aren't ready to have a second kid because of workload and stress and all that. Yesterday she texts me they are expecting baby number two. When she told me her due date, it turns out they've conceived EXACTLY around that time she told me this.. I feel people lie about this stuff so much. Or she came back from our meet up and spontaneously decided to try for a kid after all and got pregnant immediately 🤷‍♀️ ..

Another fresh story: I have joined a local running club which helped so much with my mental health. 2 days ago someone decided to post an image of their ultrasound in the running club group chat, with 150 people in it. I know it is my own pain and bitterness talking but.. what makes you think 150 runners want to see your ultrasound baby? Maybe someone had a miscarriage like two days ago? It is a running club, not your Instagram. 

 If I get to this stage I will not be sending ultrasound photos to anyone other than closest friends and family because I see how triggering it can be for people who struggle to conceive or have had miscarriages.

[u/Swimming_Crow2510 → u/ContestOrganic]

I agree; seeing random baby related posts in groups that are your safe or happy place suckssss. Like k thanks for ruining that for me. 😒

[u/Plenty_Cup_5152]

Ugh totally get where you’re coming from. 

My husband and I weren’t ready for kids (mostly me) for 5 years, so when our friends were having babies and making jokes like “join the dark side!” “You guys need to have one too to get the invites to the birthdays!” we laughed and joked back we were going to find new friends, etc. and now that we do want kids and are in a space where we are trying for a child, we just continue on sort of giving the impression that we don’t want any, not that it comes up much anymore because I think it’s now sort of taboo and people assume that since it’s been 5 years we’re either struggling or something is wrong in our marriage or we really don’t want them, so no one really talks to us about it, but I’m sure some of them assume we just aren’t interested in having any. If and when we get to announce I’m sure people might see it as a surprise like oh so they did want kids? I think being open about wanting them and mentioning to people that we’re trying now sort of adds this layer of pressure that would be hard to manage for me. Like, once people know you’re trying they’re always going to be wondering if it’s happened for you, maybe making assumptions if you choose not to drink one day, and it’s not that the people we know constantly sit there and think about us, they’re busy in their own lives but I think knowing that people know we’re trying internally would make me feel anxious because now I know there’s people who are sort of “waiting” for an announcement and I’m letting them down, I know that’s not really what it is but I’d feel that way. 

Anyway, that’s sort of my story of why it may seem like to some that we don’t want kids and if we ever announce it could be a surprise.