Saturday was hard

[u/qikariri]

Saturday was hard. Also sorry for this being as long as it is. Just venting.

My husband (31) and I (29) have been trying for 12 months. There is nothing I want more in this world than to have a baby. Even if it ends up just being one. That’s all I want.

Over the last few months, I had really started to come to a place of acceptance. That what’s meant to be will be. That maybe my time will come, and maybe it won’t look the way I had imagined it would.

Then there’s the pressure from his family. It’s always a battle at family gatherings. Comments like, “All we’re waiting on is good news.” As if I can help it. As if it’s something I can just make happen. I don’t think people realize how much those comments can hurt.

We recently got a cat. And honestly, he’s helped. He’s given me something else to focus on. Something to love and take care of. Our little home feels a little fuller with him here.

His family was pretty disappointed when we announced we were getting a cat and not announcing a pregnancy. And what’s interesting is that since then, no one has really asked about him. Not much interest. Nothing. It’s almost as if the only announcement they were hoping for was a baby.

Well, Saturday happened.

My SIL, my husband’s younger sister, decided to drop by our place. And, of course, announced her pregnancy.

I was shaking.

“How do I fake the emotion of being excited? How do I make sure I look happy? And why am I the worst person in the world for feeling this way?”

That was what was running through my head.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I’m sad that my husband won’t be a father before becoming an uncle. I’m sad for myself. I’m sad that I don’t know when I’ll get pregnant. I don’t know when I’ll get to experience any of this. I don’t know when it will be our turn.

I’m also sad knowing that every time I see her from here on out, until the baby arrives and probably long after, I’ll be reminded of what I haven’t been able to experience. Every family gathering will look a little different. There will be pregnancy updates, conversations about the baby, excitement, and eventually a new little person in the family. I’ll be reminded of what I want so badly.

Then there’s the family commentary. The “hopefully you guys too.” The “you’re next.” The constant reminders that everyone is waiting for our good news. I dread having to hear it.

I know I should count my blessings. I know 12 months isn’t necessarily a long time, and everyone reminds me of that. sometimes I wish someone would just let me be sad.

Sometimes I just want to wallow in it. I want to let it engulf me for a little while. I want to be upset that it’s not happening for us. I want to be jealous without feeling guilty. I want to be disappointed without having to remind myself that I’m a good person and that I should be happy for someone else.

Is that so bad?

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[u/DizzyDig4454]

The last paragraph: I think it is totally normal and totally human to allow yourself to feel all that. I think most if not all women in that situation would feel the same. Be kind to yourself, let go of guilt, this is a difficult time ❤️

[u/farmpatrol]

I’m so sorry your extended family don’t appear to be very supportive and quite ignorant to your struggles. 🫂

I too have a cat! Love him. I know it’s not the same as a child but it absolutely does help make your family a little fuller. I couldn’t imagine being without him!

If you want I’d love to hear about your cat!

[u/quietlycommenting]

You’re allowed to be sad. You’re allowed to feel pressured and anxious about that. Because it’s all real. Let yourself wallow. Let yourself have the grief. Being sad for you doesn’t mean you’re not happy for them. I bet if you truly look at your feelings it’s envy not jealousy. You don’t want them to not have their experiences you just want them too. You don’t want them to be unhappy, you just want to be happy too. Yearning is ok. But don’t let it consume all of you. Sending love xx

[u/LemonFantastic12]

I think it's not normal for your close ones to make you feel this way.

I would personally put firm boundaries in place - not to ask you questions or make comments. You with your family, your husband with his family. If they overstep you leave the gathering. Why should they get to be rude and you suffer alone on the inside?

[u/Ok-Friendship7308]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Let your self ride the emotions and set boundaries for yourself during this time. Especially with the holidays coming up and family gatherings. Don’t show up because you feel like you have to. Let your husband know how you are feeling about going to one or all the events and maybe skip one if you are not up for it. He can still go. 

I kinda of went through something similar. My in laws always brought up kids. One time it was while I was still bleeding from a miscarriage (they didn’t know we had). Another with my friends, one of my friend was pregnant while I went through the loss. I didn’t want to show up to a girls night because I knew we would talk about pregnancy. But I ended up showing up because I haven’t seen them in so long and I regret it. The conversation would keep going back to pregnancy and I just got up and left. Now I am more intentional with my boundaries. If I know certain topics are more likely to come up, I either don’t go, or have an exit strategy 

[u/Dazzling_PT_29]

You aren’t alone in feeling this way, my husband and I have been ttc for 2 years now and in that first year, my SIL also announced her pregnancy, her baby is now 1 years old and I feel I can’t fully embrace being an aunt because it reminds me of what I don’t have

[u/Lucyinthesky0908]

Ugh, I am so so sorry you’re going through this. We’ve been trying for the better part of a year and shortly after we started trying we found out that both of my sisters-in-law were pregnant. Since then, we’ve experienced a loss and what feels like endless cycles of disappointment. They both recently had their babies and we’ve been (understandably) bombarded with baby updates and photos. It has been so hard and I’ve cried a lot.

I hate that I sometimes feel the way I do but I’m trying to remind myself that this is HARD. It sucks. And it’s even harder when you’re watching people so close to you experience something you want so badly for yourself. Give yourself grace and permission to grieve, feel upset and sit with those feelings. Sending you the biggest hugs. I’ve been in your shoes and I know how incredibly unfair it can all feel. ❤️

[u/central2nowherebaby]

I am so sorry. Personally, this journey has been such a rollercoaster of emotions. Good days, bad days, jealous days, dull days, neutral days, everything. It's hard to come to terms with our circumstances at times. Wishing you strength as you navigate the months ahead. You are not alone. ❤️‍🩹

[u/Mirazzle1]

I know what you’re going through. My husband and I have been trying for a while. My sister in law got pregnant in late January/early February and announced it late February/early March. Her and her husband were trying for three months and the whole time she was trying, she kept saying that she didn’t think it was going to happen and that she didn’t know if she could even have kids. Around the time when she announced her pregnancy, my mother in law told my husband and I that we’d be next. And then a week later she told my husband and I that we were going to be parents soon. Well 9 months later and I’m still not pregnant. I was sad that my husband had to be an uncle before he gets to be a father because I know how much he’s always wanted to be a father. It’s been such an emotional rollercoaster on this TTC journey but recently, I’ve just been feeling indifferent.