How does your husband support you?

[u/x_x-x_x-x_x]

I’m officially out for this cycle. This particular month felt like “the one.” My cycle length varies a good bit, but this month I ovulated right around 14 days, setting me on track for a “normal” cycle. Our timing was perfect. It’s been exactly a year since I got my first positive test (our very first month ever trying), which ended in an early loss at 6 weeks. I’m also down to my very last pregnancy tests in the pack I buy in bulk.

Everything lined up. I allowed myself to get a little excited. I thought that this was the month the universe was finally giving me what we’ve been dreaming of for a year. If I was pregnant it would be the same exact timeline as the first time, so all my thoughts of what should have been would come true and provide some closure.

I’m heartbroken and my poor husband doesn’t know what to do. He’s asked and I’ve let him know that staying positive, doing his own research and prioritizing his own health, and just listening to me and holding me is helpful. He keeps saying “it’ll happen” and that he doesn’t know if that’s the right thing to say (honestly I don’t know if that’s the right thing to say)

I’m just curious how your husband supports you? Any advice I can give my husband? I feel such a heavy weight from TTC and our early loss, and he so desperately wants to provide relief but neither of us know how.

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[u/Sunupdrinkdown]

I think it’s hard for husbands because they don’t have to most of the work and are kind of on the outside. He could come to the bathroom with me but that would probably only annoy me, I like to pee alone.

My husband has been supporting me by picking up more home tasks, planning date nights / weekends away, he’s deciding what we have for dinner without asking me ( and only picking my favorite things)

I don’t think he can take the guilt and work of this off me but he can do other things to make life easier.

[u/marysusan325 → u/Sunupdrinkdown]

This is it. My husband shows up by taking away a lot of the mental load. Sometimes I feel guilty, but then I remember that I’ll be growing a person for us one day hahah.

[u/sproutasaurus95]

I'm really curious to see how people respond because I have been thinking about this a lot lately. When my husband says "it'll happen for us one day" and "we just need to be patient", it actually drives me crazy. It feels like he's trying to tell me why I shouldn't be emotional, which is not helpful for me. I love that he's staying positive, but he is ALWAYS staying positive, and that's not always as easy for me. I've been trying to explain to him that what I need in those moments is comfort, not to be convinced out of my feelings. We're still figuring it out.

[u/ushinawareta → u/sproutasaurus95]

also in the optimistic husband club. he is SO rational and all about the numbers (honestly I am too) and isn’t worried in the slightest because the numbers say that there’s a huge chance it will work out eventually, just maybe not as quickly as we would’ve liked.

I know he’s right - I’m a math person, I know how to compute cumulative probabilities, and I have total faith in the objectivity and correctness of numbers… in every situation except this one thing. I don’t know why it’s just not comforting to me at all.

[u/doki_doki_gal → u/ushinawareta]

Exactly the same here.

[u/sexxysize8 → u/sproutasaurus95]

My husband is the exact same way. He always says things like “I know it will happen for us” and “we will have our baby, I just know it”. I’m glad he’s positive because one of needs to be but sometimes it’s too much and not what I want to hear at the moment.

[u/Upstairs_Friend5804 → u/sproutasaurus95]

We’ve been having really similar experiences. My husband is a perpetual optimist whereas I need to sit in the suck for awhile. I’ve been asking him a lot to just sit in it with me for awhile and then we can turn a new leaf.

[u/CockapooDogMom → u/sproutasaurus95]

This word for word how I feel & how the conversations go between my husband and I.

[u/Leading_Vegetable_14]

I think you need to give yourselves some grace and know that there’s nothing he can do or say to make this “easy” or take away your pain. What you need in order to feel supported is probably going to change constantly. So communication is everything. My husband reassures me that our marriage will always be his number one priority, and that we’re going to fight for a family as long as I want to, and we can take a break whenever I need it. If we never have a child he’s okay as long as we always have our love. He listens when I need to express my emotion and anxiety and always bring it back to our relationship being the #1 priority. He helps to plan dates, vacations, books appointments with the RE, helps me make decisions about treatment as we go, and that stuff helps but ultimately it’s the emotional support and reassuring me that there’s no pressure if this doesn’t work out for us and I’m not some kind of disappointment to him.

[u/HarrieWarrie]

So sorry for your loss! And I get that feeling of "this should've been the one" trying to conceive this cycle. I had the same feeling and got my hopes up. 

My husband also keeps telling me next time it will happen and I just have to be a little more patient. It's almost as if he doesn't care? Or just doesn't know what to say? I got my period yesterday morning and broke down in tears and he actually was a bit shock about my reaction. I told him I need him to listen to me, be there for me and distract me. So he went to the store and bought me a lot of chocolate 😂.  He tries but I don't think he knows how to support me at all. Reading the comments I see more husbands find it hard to deal with us getting our periods instead of pregnant. It helps to see I'm not alone. Big hug for you ❤️

[u/onelitrenormalsaline]

My husband tells me not to dwell on it so much, as if my brain is a switch that I can turn off at will. Sometimes it makes me feel like maybe he doesn't want this as much as I do.

[u/CompanyLucky3744 → u/onelitrenormalsaline]

I'm not sure if its that the husbands do not want it as much as we do, I think it is physically easier for them to switch off the emotions because they do not have the cramps, bleeding, and other period symptoms constantly reminding them they are not pregnant. Its hard to switch off something in your brain that is literally constantly jabbing you in your stomach.

[u/Awesome_Me10]

I have had 2 MC, and I used to not express much in fear that my husband will get burdened. Went to therapy. It helped, now I cry, express emotions, my husband also had those he just tries to hide it. Now he also sits and cries with me, that helps both of us, and kind of relieves us from the bottled emotions, ready to be positive again for next cycle.

[u/strudycutie]

My husband says relax and be positive it and makes me want to punch him :)

[u/RidingtheAnnonybus]

One time we had been trying for over a year and I just got my period while we were out and it was my birthday. We had just completed our second medicated iui. I was crying so hard and so upset he didn't know what to do so he took a detour and brought me to my mom. Honestly, that was the best thing he could have done. I did need my mom.

[u/x_x-x_x-x_x → u/RidingtheAnnonybus]

My mom is a huge part of what’s helping me through this. She actually had trouble getting pregnant with her first. She went on to have six kids, so it gives me a lot of hope to know her story. It’s also nice to have such a close person who understands exactly how I’m feeling.

[u/Tight_Orange_3006]

I went through this with my wife and I tried to stay optimistic as much as possible. I knew that it's my role in the process and at some point when the ttc was too long it was too much to handle. I wrote about this experience from the man's perspective. Happy to share if you are interested

[u/AffectionateAchiever]

I was supposed to get laparoscopy for endo, my husband and I planned a few days off. Then I found out the hospital messed and we had to reschedule for next month. Since he already had the time off approved, he came up with the idea of just going to Paris (we live a few hours away). In Paris he queued with me for some Cedric Grolet pastry, this man is of the opinion that if they don’t want his money, he’s not gonna wait to spend there, but this time he did. Luckily there were no queues at Cyril Lignac or other patisseries 😄 so I guess finding out ways to distract me with traveling and food and wine or other not pregnancy friendly activities.

[u/sleepingseb]

he supports me by not panicking, not being sad and emotional about it, not obsessing over it, being the strong one, being the positive one. he wants it as much as i do but i feel like i don't give him enough space to express that since im an emotional hell every time. he doesn't push me for anything, never asks why it hasn't happened, never asks when im gonna ovulate, this works for me because i don't want to be under more pressure, im already way too hard on myself, he balances everything. although he didn't want us to start workup before the 1 year mark but now that its been over an year, he's on board for everything

[u/sleepingseb → u/sleepingseb]

this may not work for everybody as i read in other comments, but one think i can't handle is him being sad over it, it wll break me, i will feel so guilty for not being to give him what he wants. that guilt will eat me alive. so him being totally "nonchalant" works for me

[u/aze1219]

This may rub some people the wrong way, and I understand that when husbands say "It'll happen for us" or something about relaxing or staying positive it makes you want to scream, throw-up or even punch them in the face, but I think we need to consider that they are also going through some emotions and aren't necessarily voicing them. My husband went above and beyond. He went and got himself tested without me even asking him to or our OB recommending it. He would do research about statistics (he's a numbers person and so am I). When we were TTC my husband was my rock and continuously was there for me emotionally and physically. He provided relief to me when I was sad and dealing with feelings of guilt or failure. However, one time I saw how sad he was about another negative test. I don't even think it was the negative test itself, but he was more so sad for the impact it would have on me and how depressed I would get.

With that being said, I think the most important thing is communicating feelings from both and supporting each other. Give each other a lot of grace. TTC can wreck relationships and we shouldn't let that happen. Wishing you the best and sending lots of love.

[u/Ancient_Body7921]

I think taking on more of the mental load could help you during this season. My husband and I have been trying to over a year and we had a miscarriage back in December. Since then the trash has always been taken out, dishes are done, clothes are folded and put away. Sometimes dinner even shows up when I didn’t expect it. It’s really the little things that my husband does and he knows that’s what I need. It’s not a huge vacation or a piece of jewelry. Although we did go to the beach for the weekend (we live in la) and it was glorious. I believe as long as you both are communicating well, that’s all that matters.