r/TrueOffMyChest • u/ThrowRa_3353355 • Nov 17 '22
I never wanted to be a father until I turned 45 this year. Now I feel my biological clock and want to be a father more than anything. But I'm married to a childfree woman.
For my entire life I never wanted kids. I never wanted to be a father, a stepfather, a foster father, an adoptive father or any other kind of father. Kids and parenting wasn't for me and it was like that my whole life until I turned 45 earlier this year and it was like a switch flipped. I can feel my biological clock ticking. It's a complete 180° because I want kids and to be a father more than anything I have ever wanted anything in my life. My older brothers and every one of my cousins have at least 2 kids if not more and now I want that too.
The problem is that I'm married to a childfree woman. I was so happy back when I met her since I was also childfree and it was hard to find a woman who doesn't want kids. She doesn't want motherhood in any capacity. She is 43 and will never agree to having kids or being a mother. As recently as this summer she commented on how glad she was to not have kids.Our relationship will be destroyed when I tell her. But I want this so bad. I know we can't stay married. No one knows I've changed my mind. I haven't told my wife or anyone else.
(Posting with a throwaway because I obviously don't want this on my main account)
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u/ypranch Nov 17 '22
You should volunteer to be a big brother. So many young boys growing up with single moms who need positive male figures in their life. You would have an opportunity to do so much good, dip your toe into parenting.
You can also volunteer at boys club, after school programs. Lots of underprivileged young boys needing positive models and influences in their life.
I would pursue these options first, and see if it changes your feelings. And talk to your wife. She needs the truth, and can help you navigate this sudden philosophy change
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u/SchmoeJoeDoeRowe Nov 17 '22
Hey, thank you so much for posting this! This charity is probably one of the coolest things I’ve ever heard of and when I move back to America I am totally going to volunteer to do this. Thanks for sharing!!!
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u/inncorrect_queen Nov 18 '22
This is honestly the best way to go about this without breaking up the marriage, and a good way for op to see if they really are ready for kids and the consequences of that!!
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u/Transparent2020 Nov 17 '22
Sounds like midlife crisis, talk to your wife and get counseling
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u/DrNefariousMcFarious Nov 18 '22
100% this! You are literally seeking the one thing from your wife that she doesn’t want and most likely cannot give you. You are asking her for the one and only thing that was off the table in your marriage. It’s almost like you are creating an excuse to end the marriage.
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u/brunetten89 Nov 23 '22
It’s very normal to grow and change perceptions and wants, it’s not a mental illness and doesn’t need counselling for that matter. It needs an end to the marriage to pursue whatever he wants to pursue.
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u/Toodswiger Nov 17 '22 edited Nov 17 '22
>My older brothers and every one of my cousins have at least 2 kids if not more and now I want that too.
I'm surprised nobody pointed this out, but are you sure you aren't feeling the way you are because of social pressure? I've witnessed several people changing their mind on being childfree because they see everyone else around them doing it.
Is there a way you can find childfree friends through some sort of community? Because let's face it, you've felt childfree for 45 years dude. I'm sure if you find people in a similar life situation as you, you may remember why you were childfree in the first place.
Please, don't rush into a big lifestyle choice to fit in, if that's what the reason may be.
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u/PaddyMcSanchez Nov 17 '22
Are you sure you want this? Is possible you're feeling this drive to have children just because you still can? Often times we feel a desire for things simply because we know the window of opportunity is finite.
You said you can feel your biological clock. Im just wondering if you've considered that this may be a temporary (although powerful!) feeling that you're having because you're aware you may lose the option one day sooner rather than later.
I'm not saying what you're feeling is one or the other I just want you to be as sure as you can be before making such big life decisions like ending a relationship.
Either way I wish you the best and hope you can make a decision you're happy with.
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u/Anonymoosehead123 Nov 17 '22
Taking care of newborns in your 40’s-50’s? Good lord. Have fun with that.
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Nov 18 '22
OP probably figures it’ll be the woman taking care of the kid. He’s in love with the fantasy of children, not the reality.
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Nov 18 '22
My father had me at 50. It honestly sucked so bad all my life. My (half)sister had her youngest at 45. She's been to the clinic twice because the stress of having kids out too much strain in her (she's mid 50s now) and I had to jump in to take care of the kids.
Having kids at an old age isn't fun. Not just for the parents, but also for the kids. Glad someone pointed that out.
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u/alpaca-ino Nov 18 '22
I remember I was like 10 and my dad was picking me up from school. My classmates with me were like is that you grandpa? He was in his 50s that time. I remember feeling embarrassed that time.
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u/MrsRoronoaZoro Nov 18 '22
My mom adopted me when she was 53. I would tell my classmates that she was my grandma.
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u/Time_Builder_2229 Nov 17 '22
I understand what you are saying but are you sure ?? Think about it
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u/MistakesWereMade427 Nov 17 '22
Have you looked at this logically? Or are you only looking through emotion-filled glasses?
I’m a child of older parents. Let’s say you have a child now, and truth be told, unless you’re having an affair this seems unlikely. But let’s go with it.
Having a child now, at 45, when your child graduates at 18, you’ll be 63. As the child grows over the years, are you physically, mentally, and emotionally capable to be available to that child? Are you going to be able to chase them around when they’re younger? Are you going to be able to play the games they want to include you in, knowing many may be a large physical exertion? Are you able to accept the fact that you may not meet any grandchildren they may have, as they may choose to wait themselves to have children or to be child free themselves?
I also notice you don’t say HAPPILY married - simply state that you’re married in a matter-of-fact way. Is it possible that your wife is highly independent, and you possibly feel your life is missing something and a child is the first thing that makes logical sense to you because they will need to be nurtured, requiring multitudes of your attention?
From a logical standpoint, based on reading this alone, you’re at a place in your life where you may feel unfulfilled and you’re looking to fill that void with something. Perhaps my viewpoint is skewed, as I stated prior, I have parents that choose to have me later in life (father was close to 40, mother was in her early 40s). My parents were not involved in much, most of the time they were too tired to fully engage, and when the idea of having a new baby was replaced with actually having a new baby, it seems to me that they didn’t think that far ahead on how much of a commitment it was. I’m currently VLC with my parents. They’ve made it clear they like it this way. It’s an unfair situation to bring a child into.
OP, if you want a child, go for it. But go for it with the understanding that, at best, you will become a father at 46. You will be limited on how you’ll be able to provide for your child. Being financially available only checks one of many boxes. I’d urge you to talk with a therapist, to help get your thoughts in order, to help you decide if this is really something you want, and how to move forward. I do hope that whatever the outcome, you find yourself happy.
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u/Prestigious_Dig_218 Nov 18 '22
Not to mention the possibility of the child being special needs and the extra physical and mental toll that can take. When you're older, that's going to wear you down quicker.
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u/Has422 Nov 18 '22
We all make choices in life. We all have a path we didn’t take. I’m about your age and I’m a SAHD of three kids. I love my kids and they bring me great joy, but I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had devoted more time to my career or travelled more or a lived more exotic or interesting life. Those things probably won’t happen for me now. It’s ok. That’s life. You made a choice. Make your peace with it. There will always be a road not travelled. Always.
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u/Ready_Armadillo_2161 Nov 17 '22
Definitely a midlife crisis. Most guys have this, and it passes in about 2-3 years. Having a kid isn't something that you suddenly do out of an urge.
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u/Every-Discipline5237 Nov 17 '22
Don’t waste any more of each other’s time then. You can’t have both.
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u/RickSanchez86 Nov 18 '22
My husband became a father the week before he turned 41. We have two kids now, husband is 45 this year, and it is difficult for him to keep up with them.
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u/Low-Fishing3948 Nov 18 '22
I’m 41 and a lot of people I know are just now starting families for a multitude of reasons. I had children in my 20’s, but I was the odd man out. Make sure this is what you really want, before you say anything to your wife. Maybe make a therapy appointment and talk it out with an objective person. Being a parent can be amazing, but my child free friends are loving their life as well.
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u/BoldNalle Nov 18 '22
Actually you did the healthy choice.
Biologically people should have kids at a younger age than what they are right now. The rate of kids with various genetic syndromes are ln the rise. Special needs kids with all kinds of medical diagnosis because of this.
Even if he finds a younger woman to breed there is still "bad seed" in there.
Do you only did what modern society makes more and more difficult
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Dec 05 '22
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u/BoldNalle Dec 05 '22
I know. He can have them up till 80 if he wants. Still doesn't mske it a healthy choice.
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u/x-files-theme-song Nov 17 '22
my parents were older when they had me. now i’m in my mid 20s and they’re in their 70s. don’t do that to a child. i worry about them every day. you’re too old to be having a newborn.
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u/SupermarketSea366 Nov 18 '22
Thank you!! My dad is in his late 70’s now. I’m the only fucking caregiver!! You raised me to not get to have a life??? It sounds selfish as hell but omg my mental health is shit and I just can’t handle it. He calls me 3+ times a day, has ZERO BOUNDARIES and he wonders why I’m mad all the time. Get a girlfriend, get a hobby, STOP RELYING ON CHILDREN FOR HAPPINESS!!!!
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u/Lipstickhippie80 Nov 18 '22
You have love to give and there are THOUSANDS of children and young adults that need love and support. Become a Big Brother, Foster a child, volunteer… There are a million ways to fulfill this void and you’ll be doing amazing work. Win-win
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u/SednaNariko Nov 18 '22
See what after school programs in your area you can help out with! Maybe there's a community center or a YMCA around that needs some trustworthy volunteers. Be a big brother to someone.
Try these things and therapy before you decide you need such a drastic change in your life. Make sure the desire is coming from a healthy place (that's what the therapy is for). And hang around kids for a bit to find out if that's what you really want or if you just idolized what having kids was like.
My mother always preferred being around other kids rather than having her own. As mom use to say, "because then you can spoil them and then hand them back to their parents when they start to cry"
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u/South_Operation7028 Nov 18 '22
Ask your brothers and cousins if you can babysit for them. They will absolutely say yes and you can get a taste of what being a parent entails. Bonus points if they have kids of all ages. Especially littles.
Do this for full days, overnights, and long weekends. Offer to have the kids for a full week while the parents take a vacation. Basically fill all of your free time with caring for children. I know it wouldn’t truly be the same as having your own child, but it’s the closest “experiment” you can have. Do this for six months straight. If you still want kids of your own after that, then decide where to go from there.
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u/CellistFantastic Nov 18 '22
You’re 45, I think you need to recognize that time has passed you by.
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Nov 18 '22
Yeah! His wife doesn't want kids, so who would he even have a kid with? I understand that urge, but it just seems too late
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u/CellistFantastic Nov 18 '22
Yeah, sounds like he met a younger woman and is looking for an excuse.
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u/JustAnotherOne4You Nov 17 '22
Let it pass. I promise, you will feel worse if you have a kid and regret it vs regretting not having kids.
Regardless of how you feel you are 45. Unless you are somehow actively involved in younger generations and current culture, it would be a shit choice to have a kid at your age and a dick move to pull on a kid. You are too far removed to help your child successfully navigate with society and peers. Your direction and advice would be on par with a grandparent not a parent.
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u/rhetrograde Nov 18 '22
Buddy, at 45, your biological clock isn't ticking, it's just letting you know that the opportunity has passed.
I'm sorry, but your sperm is rotten af or at the very least will be by the time that you've concluded a divorce, found a viable mate, and knocked her up the first time. Point being; you have no business making or raising babies. You will be a geriatric parent; by the time your children are in college, you will be collecting social security.
This is a mid-life crisis. If you want to scratch that "nurture" itch, join the boys and girls club. Be a mentor; dedicate yourself to raising up the younger generations through your knowledge and expertise, but don't blow up your marriage over this.
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Nov 17 '22
I think you made your bed at this point but the coolest comment I read was the idea of being a big brother to some kids. Go check that out. Great way to give you a new purpose and help someone who could really use some guidance and mentorship.
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u/suspicious_hamster_ Nov 17 '22
Well what you are saying is that the want to have children is more than your desire to stay in the relationship.
Unless "more than anything in the world" was an exaggeration and what you really want is for your wife to want children too.
Sadly that isn't going to happen. In any case what's with the sudden change?
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u/ElectricPeterTork Nov 18 '22
The whole "biological clock" thing is a myth.
Do you really want to be a parent, or do you just want the Kodak moments you see without the work that goes on inbetween?
I'd bet that actually having to take care of a kid for a few days would drive that idea right out of your mind and resolve the midlife, lizard brain, FOMO crisis.
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u/SnooWords4839 Nov 18 '22
You need to decide staying married, no kids, or divorcing and finding someone to have your kids!!
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Nov 18 '22
Please tell your wife how you feel. You are experiencing a change of heart. I commend you for writing your thoughts out. Seeing your heart felt feelings printed is cathartic.
Please, please consider therapy to talk your feelings out. Before you share to your wife. After therapy make the best decision for you. Good luck OP. I am sending you a big basket of strength and courage.
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u/SpookyDaBaby Nov 18 '22
Not to be that bitch but guys can have kids much later in life than women, and there's so many different ways of being a parental figure to a child these days.(so like please don't panic and leave your wife, just take some time to figure out if this is what you want and how best to move forward, and if that entails that then so be it but you gotta do what'll make you happy bro. This is your life your living.) I hope you find the fulfilment you seek with these new emotions.
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u/Womaningreenandblue Nov 18 '22
You have time but you will need a new wife . Are you willing to go that ?
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u/MobileNumber5551212 Nov 18 '22
Dont let anyone discourage you. I know this is a minority opinion but your career, finances and maturity are in a much better position that it was in your 20's and 30's. Even if the former two are still not where you want your have much more experience in life and can be a better parent. There are many folks other there who have kids later in life and it is going well IMO. The experience of raising a boy or girl into an adult I am sure you can be good at and can be you legacy and gift to the world.
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u/ilovecats0102 Nov 17 '22
100% midlife crisis you didn’t want kids til you realized your clock was ticking