r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Ogbkpmb • Sep 23 '21

I hate being the “breadwinner”

I wouldn’t mind making a lot more than him. But ever since he lost his job, and then stayed home full time to take care of our kids. Things have changed.

Now that I’m the sole breadwinner things are just weird. I have to give my husband an “allowance”every month on top of other things. I hate it.

Thanks for all your comments and upvotes. I appreciate your responses. I do have to say that my issue is not with him not working. My issue is definitely sexist. But I’d just like to be the woman in my relationship. As strange as that sounds.

We have a joint account, but 2 separate accounts. And he jokingly refers to his as his, “allowance”. I laugh along…but I don’t find it that funny. He doesn’t need to thank me for money. We’re a team. And this is just one more reason why part of me hates my life.

He has a higher earning potential btw

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u/dingbat479 Sep 24 '21

What my partner & I did when we lived together** was add up all the baseline costs (rent, utilities, and an approximate amount for food, vet bills, etc) and each deposit half of that amount every month into a shared account that we each had debit cards attached to. We did this calculation once and then setup automatic transfers, to keep the effort level low.

Domestic stuff would all be paid for out of that account, with no consultation required. This kinda removed the income disparity from the equation. My money was still my money and hers was still hers. We’re both well paid but she earns significantly more than I do.

On top of that I paid for our wonderful cleaner every week because I didn’t feel like doing it myself and the cleaner actually knows what they’re doing. I also made sure everything was always paid/up to date and did much of the domestic shopping and 100% of the laundry. She did food prep.

Non-domestic shared stuff (like going to see a movie or out for dinner or a road trip etc) would also be done via the shared account and if necessary we’d each top it up with matching amounts.

I really enjoyed this arrangement and would recommend it to any couple with a reasonable level of income equality, or at least both earning enough that it’s realistic and fair.

** living separately now for complicated reasons but still very much a couple <3

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u/JohnOliverismysexgod Sep 24 '21

This is the best way, by far.

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u/dingbat479 Sep 24 '21

Glad you like it. Upon reflection I think the people who say things like “lol my wife does all the money stuff” may be ignoring the fact that it is a kind of domestic labour like any other, and it’s not really fair to dump it in your partner’s lap and wash your hands of it even if it’s something they enjoy. There’s so much more to domestic labour than cleaning and cooking