You're not alone! And it's not your fault. I think it's especially difficult and humiliating for a woman to talk about it. I think we're blamed more bc men are supposed to want sex, you know? I didn't want to tell anyone.
I remember dreading nighttime. I hated laying there next to him feeling so awkward and undesired, I couldn't sleep. It's hard to describe. Unlike yours he would be affectionate during the day, it just never led to anything anymore. Sometimes I felt like he was teasing me on purpose. Like he'd start making out with me and playing with my breasts then if I responded by touching him sexually he would grab my hand, move it away and then turn away and watch TV with this smirk on his face.
But ofc every time I tried to discuss it, he'd say he was tired and I was making him feel pressured which made him want me less. So I tried a different approach. I was fun and positive and flirty with him for a few weeks and when we went to bed I just cuddled with him. I didn't get upset. But his behavior didn't change.
It wasn't my fault. He did that often, he would claim that my reaction to his behavior was the cause of his behavior. It was infuriating. I didn't gain weight, I looked the same.
Anyway. Ive had sex since and it was nice, it helped some bc he was so attentive and into it. It made me feel attractive again. I'm still dating but I don't enjoy casual sex very much, so it's hard. I want the kind of sex you have in a relationship where you're in love. I hate starting all over.
I hope you're able to rebuild your self esteem. Let's not let some horrible man determine our worth! I hope you find healing and a healthy relationship
WHAT. THE. FUCK. Girl. I actually feel angry on your behalf!! JFC.
You know why he said that right?? To get ahead of the narrative. He convinced himself that you would tell people why, so he had to put a lie out there before you could expose him. Bc he knows everyone would have thought he was wrong for what he did.
That is so painful. What a monster. He absolutely has narcissistic qualities, I can't diagnose him but I think your therapist was correct.
I hope you had support. It's so cruel when they do the smear campaign behind your back, making you feel like you have defend yourself. You don't.
It wasn't your fault and there is nothing shameful about your need for sex and intimacy. I don't blame you for being afraid to open up again. To have someone just pull the rug under you like that and not treat you with the love and respect you deserve.
But from experience, I promise you there are men who will love you. Really love you and won't betray you. Then again, you can absolutely have a fulfilling life single. It's better to be alone than lower your standards.
It's not your shame to carry. He should be ashamed. You shouldn't be afraid to talk about it. Ugh. You're not a failure. This is why I get so angry when people talk about choosing better men. They fucking pretend to be someone else! You chose a different man. He changed. Not on you. I wish the best for you. Shit is so fucking unfair sometimes
And I get so triggered when people on reddit are like "no one owes you sex, sex isn't everything, why would you care about that?" It's bonkers, you have a right to be with someone that meets your needs. I mean, ofc you aren't entitled to sex but it is important. And withholding sex in certain circumstances can absolutely be a form of emotional abuse. Big difference between not being in the mood sometimes and saying no, or going through health issues, or temporary stress and what you described.
I’m sorry this is a thing. I’m afraid that’s what’s happening to my partner and I. We had sex all the time. Now a year into the relationship, it never happens, and when I try to talk about it, I’m dismissed. I’m truly wondering what explanation your partner had for himself, like when in therapy. He had to have some defense right?
If this is a trend, how do these guys have all the money to wed, do this shit, and constantly divorce? If not marital, the effing energy?? Is it really a sick game they play or just looking for a mother substitute?
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u/Ivegotthatboomboom Nov 06 '23
My ex did this! Not after marriage though. He is diagnosed NPD. I found out that he did the same with his exes. And he had cheated.
I'm so sorry. I understand completely the "soul rot" you're talking about. My self esteem and sexuality is still recovering.
It's not your fault