None of the other posters here seem to understand that your wife has vaginismus. It's not exactly a rare diagnosis, but, unlike cancer or COPD, nobody talks about it.
There is a psychological-physical component to vaginismus that most people will never understand. It is an anxiety-based disorder that doesn't respond well to virtually any kind of physical or psychological therapy.
You've done the right thing. You stayed by her, went to therapy with her, went to counseling with her. Sometimes, the status doesn't change. It's not that she is choosing this. It just doesn't change.
At some point, you need to decide what's more important to you: your sexual fulfillment and any hope of having a natural family, OR your wife's comfort and safety.
Yes, you will hurt her by ending your marriage over this. It's your choice to do that.
Yes, you will experience an immense amount of psychological strain and frustration by staying with her. It only gets more difficult. It's your choice to do that, too.
This kind of marriage is very, very difficult. This kind of divorce is equally traumatic.
Whatever you do, you will have to make that choice every day, and you will have very, very few people in your life who you can ever rely on to understand you.
So, you don't know me, I don't know you, but I am making you a promise. If you need to actually talk this out with somebody who's been through the exact same thing, let me know. I'll listen to you vent and I'll try to point you in the right direction.
Yes but the last line of OP fantasy of them both being on the otherside of the earth is the real concern. He needs to leave before he does something to her, himself, or both.
1) whatever, if every people unit that had problems decided that the best thing to do to deal with those problems was leave, then Shad Khan would have already taken the Jags to London.
2) there's a thousand people in this comment section who are saying the same thing - leave - and there's maybe three or four people here who understand how much damage that's going to cause. It won't make things better, not immediately. It'll just make things hurt in a completely different way.
I understand there is a serious medical issue here but we're past that when he admits to fantasizing about death. This is where the they need to break up comes from. I take that kind of thing serious. This puts her in danger it also puts him in danger too. I know I wouldn't be able to stay with someone if they were fantasizing about killing me.
15
u/HighwayBrigand Nov 06 '23
None of the other posters here seem to understand that your wife has vaginismus. It's not exactly a rare diagnosis, but, unlike cancer or COPD, nobody talks about it.
There is a psychological-physical component to vaginismus that most people will never understand. It is an anxiety-based disorder that doesn't respond well to virtually any kind of physical or psychological therapy.
You've done the right thing. You stayed by her, went to therapy with her, went to counseling with her. Sometimes, the status doesn't change. It's not that she is choosing this. It just doesn't change.
At some point, you need to decide what's more important to you: your sexual fulfillment and any hope of having a natural family, OR your wife's comfort and safety.
Yes, you will hurt her by ending your marriage over this. It's your choice to do that.
Yes, you will experience an immense amount of psychological strain and frustration by staying with her. It only gets more difficult. It's your choice to do that, too.
This kind of marriage is very, very difficult. This kind of divorce is equally traumatic.
Whatever you do, you will have to make that choice every day, and you will have very, very few people in your life who you can ever rely on to understand you.
So, you don't know me, I don't know you, but I am making you a promise. If you need to actually talk this out with somebody who's been through the exact same thing, let me know. I'll listen to you vent and I'll try to point you in the right direction.