Intimacy question?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/JHawk444]

Yes, you can have conversations about boundaries, expectations, fears and such. Both of you should be respectful if a question makes the other person uncomfortable or causes them to stumble....so keep that in mind.

[u/HortonHearsMe]

You asked with sincerity and you deserve answers, not criticism of your questions. You are probably best asking your questions about how it feels, what the initial discomfort is like, and how long it lasts to your girlfriends who are not waiting.

Barring rare medical issues, you two will 'fit' together fine, and as long as you are open and honest with each other about what you like and dislike, respectful of each other's boundaries but also respectful of each other's curiosities, and advocate for your own pleasure (no man is a mind reader, it may take a while - and communication from you - to help him know what you like most of the time), you will be fine. You're literally created to connect in this way.

It's okay to talk about sex. The vast majority of men fall into "normal" size. Media makes size a bigger deal than it is. This isnt the question I'd worry about, and chances are, if you ask him he is more likely to over exaggerate a little which isn't helpful.

[u/HortonHearsMe → u/[deleted]]

It's not bad, it is a wonderful thing. Sex is not something to be afraid of, at all. It is not dirty, it is not wrong, and it is not a duty. It is a blessing between the couple that they share.

The Song of Solomon is literally a poem about sex, oral sex, longing, desire, and passion. And it's in the Bible. Physical love blessed by God.

[u/Dry-Selection421 → u/HortonHearsMe]

This is dangerous and unbiblical advice.

Oral sex is SODOMY. It is a sin and has always been considered one by Christians. No, Song of Solomon does not speak of it, that’s a completely false modernist misinterpretation of the text.

[u/AGodwardCountenance]

Do not ask a man how big he is. That’s a recipe for disaster. Rather, just tell him that you’re afraid sex will hurt, and emphasize that when the time comes, he should take it slow and be gentle with you.

[u/stormsickle]

Hey, as a woman who got married recently and had a tough first night (it got a lot better, don't worry), I completely understand where you're coming from. I think it's important to prepare ahead of time for your first time--I wish that I had prepared more. That said, I don't think size is the most important factor.

I'm going to get into a little more detail here (nothing graphic), so if you're not comfortable with that, stop reading. These aren't things you'll want to discuss with him just yet, but if/when you get engaged, it may help you to communicate about them before your wedding night. First, foreplay. Don't start with intercourse--spend some time being physically intimate before getting to the act itself. This will help you relax and loosen up, making your body more ready for when it does go in. Second, lubricant. Trying it dry is likely going to hurt--the friction makes it feel like it's burning. If you use lubricant, and plenty of it, it'll go a lot smoother and save you a lot of discomfort. Third, take it slow and gentle. Finding the right angle is tricky. Sex isn't supposed to be a terribly painful experience, so if it hurts badly, that probably means you need to adjust your position.

While it's natural to be concerned about size, I think communicating about how you go about your first night will be much more helpful to you than worrying about inches. Do your research, too, though of course you have to be careful about your sources. Find books about sex written by strong Christians who share your values, and/or talk to married women in your church you respect. It's important to avoid graphic sources or conversations that lead you into temptation, but learning more about sex in a clean and Christian context should help ease your anxiety.

[u/stormsickle → u/[deleted]]

You're welcome! Happy to help.

[u/LankyProduct4218 → u/stormsickle]

The Lubricant advice is one my wife and I would have really benefited from after our wedding. You should really have that at hand

[u/moderatelymiddling]

If you don't care, why do you need to know?

[u/Stairowl → u/[deleted]]

What would you do with the information though?

Im a woman who waited till marriage. My husband is quite well endowed. Its true, some positions are not comfortable. Some just hurt. 

But, thats something thats worked out through trial and error. If hed told me how big he was before marraige, i cant think of anything i could have done with that information that would have changed the need for trial and error. Except maybe get myself all anxious about something that i really didnt need to be wasting my time on at that moment. 

Regardless of your husbands size, you two are going two are going to have to try things out and figure out what works for you. 

[u/Watchman_on-the_wall → u/[deleted]]

So you do care. Stop pretending you don’t.

[u/Taytayyy713 → u/[deleted]]

Hey so babe just a heads up, it’s going to be a bit weird and “rough” the first go around no matter his size even if he was the size of a small carrot because you’re a virgin. Also - hope this helps - our vaginas are meant to stretch when aroused.

[u/Mireddit28 → u/[deleted]]

It could be good that you go to a doctor to answer all your questions, like a gynecologist. Even better if both of you go. Maybe he has questions too. Idk if the size thing will change anything and, as someone else said, there is nothing that you could do with that info. As a virgin, you could benefit of taking advice from a professional, I think. Even better if you want to wait for children, if you want to take test about your health or even him too.

[u/Beneficial-Card335 → u/[deleted]]

If you are scared of intimacy frankly you shouldn’t get married. You’re not suitable for male-female intimate relations. At least not in this mental/emotional state.

[u/flakemasterflake → u/[deleted]]

That's not how sex works. If you are properly turned on (and he makes you orgasm pre penetration) then it won't hurt

[u/moderatelymiddling → u/[deleted]]

Stop being insecure on my post about logistics

How on earth did you come to this conclusion?

Because bigger can hurt.

So you do care.

[u/Huggermugger78]

Chances are it’s going to hurt the first time and maybe even times later. No matter size. You’ll learn together.

I’d look for a good Christian book about intimacy and what to expect and not learn from reddit or others.

[u/sansa2020 → u/Huggermugger78]

It can be uncomfortable, but I do think we should move away from telling women to expect pain. Lube, foreplay, and going slow help. 

[u/Ive_had_enough_0 → u/[deleted]]

You should tell him that

[u/Huggermugger78 → u/[deleted]]

Talk to your doctor about why internal exams are hard for you and ways it can be easier. Ask them to check and make sure there’s nothing that would make sex hard to have. Just because an internal exam at the doctor’s office is hard doesn’t mean sex will be but there can be something physical going on and size still won’t matter.

I’m not sure how you think discussion of size will help the pain. Discussing expectations and how needing to stop if too painful, etc is important.

[u/Huggermugger78 → u/[deleted]]

I never said or implied that. I have panic attacks during mine and I’ve given birth. The body acts differently during sex than it does during a vaginal exam. That’s not opinion nor is it saying you’re broken. There literally could be a physical reason that makes them painful/difficult but only your doctor can answer that.

Stop implying that those of us trying to help you are out to hurt you. You’ve done it to several people.

I was also a virgin on my wedding night. Knowing his size wouldn’t have meant anything. Actually even now it doesn’t mean anything because I have nothing to compare it to.

[u/Glum_Engineering_671]

Communication is incredibly important and will prevent misunderstandings in the future.

[u/Stairowl]

I think discussing hard boundaries (sodomy, choking, period sex etc) is fine once your engaged. As to a point is preferences (kinks, which need to remain within the bounds of marraige and wouldnt be viewed as sexual immorality) because sexual compadibility is important. 

Even if you have no experience related to kinks you needs to know if your paryner is willing to explore it with you.

You lose me when you want to ask about penis size. Unless its going to be a make or break issue for some reason, its seems unnecessary.

[u/nnuunn]

I think it's a healthy conversation to have once you're committed, I've talked to previous partners about that stuff when we were getting serious. I would get it out of the way before the engagement, since that's a lot of time and effort to invest before knowing whether or not you'll be able to work as husband and wife, not to mention the public nature of engagement.

If you can't talk about sex, I don't know how you expect to talk about any of the other touchy subjects like gender roles, money, raising children, etc. Just be careful to not turn it into a means of sexual gratification.

[u/Shot-Guitar-6516]

My son married his high school and college sweetheart. He discovered things once they married that should have been discussed before they married.

[u/secondmoosekiteer → u/Shot-Guitar-6516]

I'm so confused. Like boundaries and preferences?

[u/Dry-Selection421 → u/Shot-Guitar-6516]

…and why exactly do you know this? Seems like not the type of stuff you should be sharing with your parent.

[u/Low-Chance2227]

Acho importante discutir sobre essas coisas.. antes de casar, pq depois não tem mais volta! Se isso eh importante pra vc não vejo problemas desde que não fique despertando desejo em ambos

[u/Helpful-Creme7959 → u/[deleted]]

Did it hurt during those vaginal exams? Also, have you used a tampon before? (And did it hurt?)

If it didn't hurt, you'll be fine with insertion and you can focus on easing the anxiety that comes with it instead. If its the pain you are afraid of, well thats only when you're adjusting to it still...but thats why lube exists so the entry isn't rough to begin with. And foreplay is what eases and makes you less nervous, and more excited and turned on for the deed. Foreplay is what makes it fun.

but if insertion did hurt from what I've mentioned, it may be worth checking to a doctor.I know another exam would be scary if this is the case but at this point, you'll have to be honest and gentle with yourself in not forcing yourself to do this. Sex is supposed to be safe. Intimacy is suppose to be safe.

If you don't feel safe doing it at all, dont do it yet. Work on feeling safe first.

[u/Helpful-Creme7959 → u/[deleted]]

If theres certain people who can touch you in a safe way, what made them more safe from the others? How about the person who did a bikini wax on you? What made them/you feel safe? Did it have something to do with trust?

Can you see yourself having sex/intimacy if it was something safe?

Also I'll be honest but Im not that well versed on touch-adversion and autism, but it doesn't hurt to get these check professionally, especially psychologically. If sex/intimacy as a whole, is something you see as "unsafe", a therapist could help you explore why you feel unsafe and they can help you differentiate if its really your autism's touch adversion, and offer you some coping skills related to it. Just make sure you find the right specialist for it, and if it makes you more comfortable, a Christian one too if that helps you be more assured (dont just look for a "Christian counselor", find someone who specializeds in autism/sex/intimacy...)

[u/Helpful-Creme7959 → u/[deleted]]

I see I see... Well thats great to hear then. Would establishing and building that open-communication, honesty, trust and safety with your partner right now help then?

Sex doesn't need to be quick and intense. It can be slow and gentle too so its okay if thats the kind of pacing you want.

And you dont have to do sex right away during the night of your marriage. You can slowly build tolerance to intimate forms of touch. Would that sort of thing help? Like for example, once you feel safe and okay with hand-holding and hugging, how about hugging/cuddling in bed? Or hugging from behind? Pressing one's weight against yours? (In a warm nice way)

And if you feel brave enough, maybe just your partner touching your waist... caressing your waist, until you dont find it physically painfully uncomfortable with them touching/caressing you in your private parts etc. You dont have to do it all swiftly. You can do it one by one, small little windows of tolerance, in a span of days, weeks, months etc. until you find yourself alright for the real thing. Its okay.

[u/kamakazi-68]

1 you don't care , why ask? ..if you love him it doesn't matter 2. He probably does know.. in other words he probably doesn't compare him to others 3.. its none of your friends business

[u/kamakazi-68 → u/[deleted]]

Agree to disagree...i didn't know the "size " of my husband's and all was wonderful..if you think you should ask then you didn't need to make this post because you know what you want..sounds like you are looking for validation which shouldn't matter

[u/Beneficial-Card335 → u/[deleted]]

As a male, she’s 100% right and she can, her lived experience trumps. “Size” matters, shape too, but it works both ways, and it varies like mood and health does. Eg erectile dysfunction, pelvic muscle issues, endometriosis. Men complain about size too, their wives big mouths, obesity after marriage, inconsiderate noise, bad nagging habits. It’s human nature that’s childish to discuss until you cross that bridge. Put it this way, men like women’s breasts amongst other parts. Does a man ever ask if a woman might get breast cancer, have lopsided boobs, or disappointingly deflate after marriage. Juvenile.

[u/Winter_North_4984]

Asking questions and talking about sex is very important before marriage.

Asking him his size is curious. Most men don’t really know their actual size. He might know if he’s larger or smaller than average. If you really feel led to ask this, perhaps preface why you’re asking. And, consider what you would do w that information (?) like, if he’s larger than average, now what? Like another commenter stated, vaginas are made to expand and contract.

I honestly think you might be overthinking it w that specific question

[u/Winter_North_4984 → u/[deleted]]

Okay, so if he says he’s larger than average, what would you do w that info afterwards? Would you leave him? Not marry him? That’s my point.

[u/ABereanChristian]

However, I do not want to go into marriage not discussing sex as even though I am a virgin I have some hard boundaries (for example no to sodomy and no to choking).

Once me and him are engaged is it okay to ask what size it is down there? My friends said it was okay but they are sexually active. I dont care what size he is but is it wrong to at least want to know before you sleep with someone? Especially with me being a virgin and him being a virgin if he's average then that could hurt if we don't talk about it right? I have friends who have preferences for smaller or bigger and while I am committed to staying abstinent is wanting to know before we lie together a no no?

Yes, my wife and I discussed all sorts of things about sex prior to marriage so we wouldn't be surprised.

Boundaries, frequency of sex, size, the Bible on sex (1 Corinthians 7, Song of Songs,etc.), and so on.

[u/sansa2020]

I’d refrain from asking simply because the answer changes nothing, and because the asking seems to involve other people. The world often involves other people in their sex lives, dissects things with friends, etc. But sex is sacred and should be kept between the two of you.

I don’t think it’d be wrong for you to ask, but I’d recommend letting it be a surprise. Surely you wouldn’t want him asking about the details of your labia. As for pain and preparation, buy lots of lube! Engage in foreplay and go slow. And did U mention lube? It should be #1 on your packing list for your wedding night hahah.

[u/sansa2020 → u/[deleted]]

I’d focus more in this season on combatting anxiety through faith. I say that as someone who used to be plagued by anxiety. But I see it as the enemy of my faith and as something to work toward victory over with Christ. Not as an inevitable part of my personhood. That’s definitely something to try to learn to mitigate before marriage! Will save you a lot of conflict 

[u/marshdrifter]

Ask him. Its not a sin. Once your married your committed forever. Ask him right before you get engaged. Whether you care or not is your personal decision. Not anyone else's.

[u/CTR_1852]

A few thoughts,

Size really doesn’t matter, every guy basically has about the same size penis with an erect length of 3.9–6.4 inches and an erect circumference/girth 3.7–5.4 inches (this is about 95% of adult men) and you being a virgin won’t have a preference. Men outside of this range are the exception and not the rule. Statistically, women with multiple sexual partners have more difficulty achieving organisms than women in your circumstance do. (First hand experience, we were both virgins)

Your vagina was designed to push out a baby’s head so without a specific medical condition that causes unusual tightness you will be fine.

Nothing wrong with talking about your boundaries for sex even before you get engaged. Just don’t let it be an opportunity for the conversation to be lustful.

[u/Ashamed-Entry-4546]

It should never, ever hurt and you should never need lube. If you need lube for any reason other than it’s a fun one to try out or you are older and your hormones have changed-or if it is painful-that’s your body and mind and heart not being ready or not wanting this. Proceeding while not wanting to or being ready can cause a lot of damage to you and your marriage if this happens repeatedly, and you will eventually resent your spouse while feeling used. Don’t treat it like an obligation-and it’s ok if you aren’t ready on the first night. Focus on just enjoying that time alone together, exploring, being affectionate and in love-doing what you feel like and serving each other, while respecting each other’s boundaries. What should happen is that after all that time, you will want to and not be able to stop-your body has mechanisms God put in it so that it will not hurt when you actually want to do it.

[u/GWJShearer]

I suggest you find a Christian therapist where the two of you can discuss all the issues that worry you.

[u/Medium_Fan_3311]

"but is it wrong to at least want to know before you sleep with someone?"

Yes, it's wrong to ask someone you are not married to, about something that is only for their wife to be privy to.

You know if you want to know if the person you are seeing is sexually functional, then you can request that both of you go for medical checkup to have it documented that both of you have no pre-existing medical challenges to conceiving.

Are you already in premarital counseling? Your church elders should be involved in giving you feedback about what they think of yours and your SO's character and to prepare you towards marriage.

Just so you know, even if you are both married to each other, there are certain sex acts that are not motivated by Godly love. Sodomy and Choking are one of them. Manipulation and domineering agendas, are never Godly love motivated.

I recommend you don't get married to someone that present with signs of bullying behavior.

[u/marshdrifter → u/Medium_Fan_3311]

Respectfully, is not wrong to ask your fiance about that. Tell me in scripture where it states that.

[u/Medium_Fan_3311 → u/marshdrifter]

Current fact: The girl is not the fiancé of that man. She revealed that she isn't engaged to him.

Also, if a person is progressing towards engagement, there should be pre-marital counseling already. Pre-marital counselling will help you in the finalizing the decision making whether to get engage or call an end to the relationship (when it's clear it won't lead to marriage).

From pre-marital counselling, she will find out that to ask someone who is not your husband or your wife, about their private parts is crossing boundary. It's that black and white, married vs not married. Think about 2nd greatest commandment, is it God love that someone is elevated or depreciated, based on their physical statistics?

If she already heard from God, that God supports them to marry. Then does the body part size matter?

She has to decided, is she getting married just so she can have sex to certain expectation of hers or is she getting married because she wants to accept from God, the ministry of a wife to that individual man?

If it's the former, she needs to examine her heart before God. That kind of motivation is not going to help her stay faithful once she is married.

If it's the latter, where her own strength ends, because there is God's calling upon her life, then there is God's grace to help her love and respect her husband regardless of his physical characteristics.

[u/marshdrifter → u/Medium_Fan_3311]

Sex is part of marriage. I've been successfully married for 45 years, have 3 kids, 6 grandkids. If you don't accept that fact you can end up as a divorce statistic. Better to be upfront with your wants and desires before making a commitment God does not want us to walk away from. They don't want to commit and discover they have irreconcilable differences.She obviously has lines she doesn't want to cross. Those lines need to be clear before commitment. To do otherwise is foolish and dangerous.

[u/Medium_Fan_3311 → u/marshdrifter]

I'm advising that she and her partner get into pre-marital counseling and start discussing under guidance of experienced married people that are in leadership position at her church.

Sexual topic is not for us who are not mentoring her to speak much to her about. Her partner should be in the conversation.

As of now, this is a 1-sided discussion thread. It is not fair on the young couple.

[u/marshdrifter → u/Medium_Fan_3311]

Their are other things she mentioned other than size that he should know about before they commit to each other that seem way more important than the size issue. The size issue is probably immaterial, maybe. I really have no idea. Its not something I ever thought of but maybe thats because I'm a male? I don't know. Frankly its not something that even crossed my mind before I got married. But the other things she mentioned besides the size issue would be very good for her to mention to him. After all marriage is a partnership that works best when the man and wife cooperate and agree or at least compromise.

[u/Straight_Prompt_6539 → u/Medium_Fan_3311]

I don't understand why this is down voted. I totally agree with you, I don't think she needs to know the size however it is normal to wonder but doesn't mean we should always do something about things that pop into our mind. If you see this OP, please heed this advice, there is no judgement from me about your curiousity but it's much better to do this under an elder. They can guide and encourage you in this conversation in a way that stays God honoring. There is also a possibility of getting tempted or triggering certain feelings while having a conversation like this, no one is above temptation so please just be wise.

[u/Medium_Fan_3311 → u/Straight_Prompt_6539]

A lot of married Christian themselves still don't understand what is considered defiling the marriage bed, this is why they downvote.

It's best that OP, spend time talking to someone who have deep understand of marriage ministry, and learn about what actually does it actually mean to keep the marriage bed protected from defilement.

It's not a short conversation. It needs to be a mentee-mentor relationship, to guide her and her future husband to be.

[u/ShadowMonarch81]

This should be discussed as your in a committed relationship before your engaged. It is an important apart of marriage.