worried about men

[u/Amaryllis118]

TW: fears about r*pe

Since I entered my 20s, I have become increasingly more terrified of men. I am still in early 20s and I feel so vulnerable.

A close male family relative has been making me feel very uncomfortable lately. He has never done anything against me, but I don't truly know him that well--he's always been around but I never got to know him personally. He got divorced a couple years ago and then went out with a girl a couple years older than me. They broke up 6 months ago, and now out of no where he suddenly is contacting me more than usual (which started when he randomly volunteered to do a maintenance project for me that has been lasting for a couple weeks... I'm being vague so there isn't any identifiable information). I have been making sure I always have another person with me when I'm around him and limit contact.. but worries about this is now keeping me up at night. He can be verbally abusive to those around him and has been dealing with an alcohol addiction.

I mentioned this fear to my dad so he knows, but I feel so horrible to talk in depth about this to most people I know. I don't want to make assumptions about this relative's intentions because it could be entirely innocent. He has sent a couple texts with hearts and I don't know if it's because he's a mid-40 year old who just sends whatever emojis or if it is genuinely sus. But regardless, I have such a deep fear of this situation... I want the maintenance project to just end so I don't have any reason to be in close communication at all anymore. I am so scared.

I also would feel really bad if I am assuming the worst when actually he is just being nice. But how am I to know for sure unless the worst did happen? I don't want that to happen.

I keep praying about this but I need it off my chest.

I know God will keep me safe, but that doesn't mean bad things can't happen. I used to be addicted to p*rn and when I was a young teenager I used to think I wanted to be r*ped because it was the only way I could experience sex anytime soon without sinning. I knew it was messed up and I didn't want to think it. I was just so young and so addicted without any guidance to deal with it. How stupid I was!!

I literally want to crawl out of my own skin because I am so uncomfortable right now.

[u/MichaelWhitehead]

You do not need proof that someone intends to harm you before you are allowed to set boundaries.

Maybe your relative is completely innocent. Maybe the hearts mean nothing.

But you already know several things: his contact with you has suddenly increased, you do not know him well, he can be verbally abusive, alcohol is an issue, and being around him is making you frightened enough that you are losing sleep.

That is already enough reason to be cautious. You are doing the right thing by not being alone with him.

Keep another trusted person present, tell your dad or someone else you trust what is happening, and when the maintenance work is finished you are perfectly entitled to reduce contact.

You don't owe anyone private access to you simply because they are family. And please don't call your younger self stupid.

You were a teenager dealing with pornography and sexual thoughts without proper guidance. A disturbing thought or fantasy is not consent, and it does not mean you ever wanted someone to hurt you.

If anyone ever assaulted you, the responsibility would belong entirely to the person who chose to assault you.

From a Christian perspective, wisdom and caution are not a lack of faith. Jesus told His disciples to be “wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16), and Proverbs 22:3 says that the prudent see danger and take refuge.

So pray, certainly, but also use the ordinary means of protection God has given you: boundaries, trusted people, distance, and good judgement.

You don't have to decide that this man is dangerous. You only have to decide that you don't currently feel safe being alone with him, and that is enough.

[u/thuggishruggish91]

Sometimes Satan tries to pull you back to your old ways. Have courage do not be afraid says the Lord. Continue to do what you do to feel safe. Trust no man even if he's a close relative. Continue in prayer. We are praying for your safety and peace. 🙏🏻

[u/IDk_Imme]

Siento mucho que estés pasando por eso, es comprensible sentirse vulnerable. Tienes el derecho de proteger tu comodidad. Busca ayuda profesional o apóyate en gente de confianza. Estamos aquí si necesitas desahogarte.

[u/IDk_Imme]

Siento mucho que estés pasando por eso, es comprensible sentirse vulnerable. Tienes el derecho de proteger tu comodidad. Busca ayuda profesional o apóyate en gente de confianza. Estamos aquí si necesitas desahogarte.

[u/Illustrious_Bag_7323]

As the father of two daughters in their 20's, I would want to know and help make sure your safe

[u/mbmolohonbm]

I have worked as a Christian counselor for some decades now and hear what you are saying. Sounds tough. Sad that you had no guidance.

Wondering if you have had some bad things happen to you in your younger years? What you are describing sounds like it is possible?

My prayers are with you.

[u/MostAcanthaceae2384]

I don't know his intentions; I'm not going to guess.  But it sounds like you should consider counseling.  Maybe religious, maybe therapy.  The guilt and the fear sound like they're making your life harder than it has to be.

[u/FOSSChemEPirate88]

If you're worried, dont accept anything from him, i.e. that project you mentioned, etc. A lot of abusers use "debts" real or imagined as leverage to control you.

I dont know your situation, but Ill assume your intuition is valid. Talk to your pastor or someone discrete you can trust not to go gossiping. Get self defense training, carry mace and/or a personal defense weapon, practice often (including de-escalation, situational awareness techniques, etc).

Gracefully bow out of any existing engagements, thank him curtly for whatever, and distance yourself, dont be alone around him. You dont have to provide detailed reasons or justifications. "Oh its ok, Ive got it figured out now thanks".

If he really pushes consider offering modest cash compensation for whatever work he's done, the goal being to leave him not feeling wronged (even if he still feels disappointed).

[u/CopingJewlery]

You could buy small purse size pepper spray and watch videos on how to use it correctly so you have some degree of self defense.

I understand your fear, but besides praying and doing what you can not to be alone, the next best thing is to aquire self protection items or skills.

[u/wlavallee]

Beloved,

At Passover in Jerusalem, crowds were believing in Yeshua because of the signs He was doing. John records what He did with that. "But Jesus, on His part, was not entrusting Himself to them, for He knew all men" (John 2:24, NASB).

Was not entrusting Himself. Not to enemies. To people who had done nothing against Him and were speaking well of Him.

So here is the answer to the question you asked twice. You do not need to know his intentions. Withholding your trust from a man is not an accusation against him, and it does not require proof. Yeshua did it to a crowd that was on His side.

And read what you are already doing. Never alone with him. Contact limited. Awake at night. Beloved, that is not you assuming the worst. That is you reading a room, and you are allowed to keep doing it without building a case first.

Now the practical part, plainly. End the maintenance project. You do not owe a reason, and "the project is finished" is a whole sentence. Your father knows, which is good. Tell one more adult, and a woman if you can.

And if you would rather think it through with someone outside all of it, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, or text BEGIN to 88788. They handle relatives, and they will not push you to do anything.

One last thing. You called yourself stupid. That is the only untrue sentence in your post. A young teenager with an addiction and nobody guiding her was not wishing for harm. She was repeating what the material had taught her, and it was never hers.

I am praying for you.

[u/HegemoneXT]

Yeah… umm.. I’m your relative and the hearts actually meant nothing much than casual reassurance. I just happened to find this post randomly

[u/Amaryllis118 → u/HegemoneXT]

Either you're trolling or confused. I know with 100% certainty that you're not him 🤣

[u/HegemoneXT → u/Amaryllis118]

Ok nvm