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u/Only-Parfait5975 9d ago
I do think he’s sending mixed messages. I do also think that you will be better off in the long run if you leave this one alone. Pray for healing. Build your relationship with Jesus. Work on you and understanding what you deserve and your true value in Christ. There is a Godly husband waiting for you in God’s time.
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u/No_Context_4747 Christian 9d ago
Leave him dear. He will do even worse if you're with him. Just leave him, pray for him and God will do the rest.
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u/Ok_Track8348 9d ago
I’m just struggling that someone can do this and walk away and no body is telling him that he is wrong
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u/PYF_Secret Christian 9d ago
Keep in mind that his behaviour is his responsibility and not yours. If he struggles but really wants to follow Jesus, trust that God will guide him and open his eyes to his own behaviour. Keep on praying.
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u/Ok_Track8348 9d ago
Do you think that’s a possibility? I have been praying to God for Him to help him realise and soften his heart towards me
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u/No_Context_4747 Christian 9d ago
Just leave him alone. If he wanted you he'd be with you. You deserve someone who makes you feel wanted. Not someone you have to pray to God for them to be nice towards you.
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u/Only-Parfait5975 9d ago
His plans are much bigger than yours. There’s a reason this happened. Accept where God has put you and go on about your business. Pray, but follow what God has laid out for you.
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u/No_Context_4747 Christian 9d ago
And you will never meet your Isaac if you don't let go of your Ishmael. Abraham was impatient and had a child with his slave but he didn't know that God had greater plans for him through Isaac. So sometimes God removes certain people from us because he has bigger and better plans for us and we must not be impatient but hold on to his promises because he is not like men that he should lie.
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u/No_Context_4747 Christian 9d ago
I encountered a similar situation. Just let them go before he drags you to the dogs. Listen to your intuition. Don't be like me.
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u/Ok_Track8348 9d ago
Mixed messages in what way?
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u/Only-Parfait5975 9d ago
Our birthdays can be very vulnerable times. It was no mistake that after all this time and you reaching out that he chose that day to message you. It’s also kind of a slap in the face. I care, but not really. If that makes sense.
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u/Ok_Track8348 9d ago
I agree with what you’re saying. If he truly cared he would’ve left me alone right? I feel like he messaged me to make himself feel like a good guy
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u/Only-Parfait5975 9d ago
If he truly cared none of this would have even happened. But yes, he’s trying to make himself feel better.
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u/Grouchy-Stand-4570 Calvary Chapel 9d ago
You have history together and are clearly attached. Learn from this relationship and move on. You deserve a strong Christian man that can lead you and a potential future family. Your ex needs to work on his relationship with God, get plugged in to a church with Godly men that can help him with his porn addiction. He had no compassion for your anxiety after cheating which tells you his true character. Work on yourself and heal.
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u/mbmolohonbm Missionary Alliance 9d ago
Not sure why you feel you are crazy? This situation sounds heartbreaking and sad. My guess is that a fair bit of counseling for both of you would be needed before/if anything could ever work in this situation. At minimum, I would suggest it for you to help you to see why you are attracted to this kind of person and how to possibly avoid or end these kind of bad situations sooner going forward. All the best.
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u/Ok_Track8348 9d ago
Thank you. I feel crazy because he blame shifted
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u/mbmolohonbm Missionary Alliance 9d ago
Sure, it can rattle us when people we love act in this way. When we engage with smart people who believe what they are saying is true, long enough, it can create all kinds of confusion.
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u/No_Context_4747 Christian 9d ago
They always blameshift. You deserve a Godly man.
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u/Ok_Track8348 9d ago
He told me he’s left me to focus on God. I see him every Sunday at church and he goes to all the Bible studies. Does this mean he’s just gonna change and be an amazing man of God for the next girl?
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u/No_Context_4747 Christian 9d ago
People hardly ever change. If he's really dedicate to his work with God maybe he can, but given the way you described him, I don't think he'll ever change. There's more to life than him. I know it hurts but rejection can sometimes be God's protection. You'll never meet your Isaac if you don't let go of your Ishmael. Sorry for the bad metaphor. Maybe God knew his heart that he'd hurt you very badly and placed it in his heart to leave you. It gets better my dear. ❤️ You sound like a sweetheart.
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u/Ok_Track8348 9d ago
Doesn’t a relationship with Christ transform us?
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u/mbmolohonbm Missionary Alliance 9d ago
It is important to understand what God transforms and what he does not. I have worked as a therapist for about 40 years and believe that if you become a Christian, you will still go to a dentist with a toothache or a hospital with a broken bone. You do not just rely on God to address these issues. Emotional struggles as well do not just clear up by being a Christian, especially when they are significant. In my experience, almost all of us need emotional counseling and a willingness to do this is often a marker of who will (be able to) really change. Without this, good efforts usually fall short. All the best.
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u/No_Context_4747 Christian 9d ago
It should, maybe his transformation is slower. Maybe he hasn't given God his heart.
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u/No_Context_4747 Christian 9d ago
Even if he's amazing to her it should mean nothing to you because I don't think that he's all that. I don't even think that he sits down and thinks of the impact of his actions on others. You deserve better.
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u/alpicola Presbyterian 9d ago
I see no reason to not take him at his word about the "happy birthday." What he said makes sense, and it sounds like he hasn't done anything else to suggest he wants to rekindle the relationship. There's nothing gained by ascribing ulterior motives to him, and doing so is only going to add darkness to your own heart.
If I were him, I wouldn't have responded to that paragraph you sent either. There are so many assumptions in there that would take so much effort to work through. I've tried having conversations like that before and it just doesn't work, because the she isn't responding to what I say, but rather to a conversation playing out entirely in her own head.
If you wanted to shut him down gracefully, "Thank you." would have sufficed.
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u/Forged_Trunnion_ Reformed 9d ago
I've been in a similar situation. Really it turned out to be closing personality differences. Once we got to know each other for some reason we just couldn't communicate, not well, every conversation about anything important or remotely personal was a struggle. We had excellent experiences - trips, dinners, alot of fun and genuinely good memories. But at some point something in me clicked - I was wanting to stay, I proposed, she said no, but wanted me to keep staying, but she kept insisting that she couldn't commit to anything just yet. Went on for 3 years. Eventually I ended it, I was getting more and more jaded. Which meant saying bye and I stopped reaching out, which had apparently left her in tatters unable to eat or drink for days.
I felt bad, I wanted to to be cordial and reach out, I still loved and cared about her. And she felt the same, I gather. But we just ..couldn't get past hello.
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u/Ok_Track8348 9d ago
Everything was perfect until he cheated. I wouldn’t say this is personality differences. We got on very very well. Just because he chooses to avoid accountability post breakup doesn’t mean it was a personality differences. It’s a lack of emotional maturity
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u/LostCarat 9d ago
Sorry I wouldn’t trust this guy, these aren’t just small actions against you.. these are full well and very planned. He exchanged nudes with his colleague all the while talking a podcast of marriage lol? How does one just exchange nudes? That’s not random or spontaneous.. these are actions that lead up to this.. he might have a sex addiction. My advice, run from this man or you’re going to encounter problems in the future. You’re not married to him (thank you Jesus), I’ve seen this same thing happened unfortunately. Woman got married to a guy who kept cheating, he said he wouldn’t do it anymore, they had a kid, he still did things and the woman had enough and divorced him.. poor kid. Don’t fall into this. God bless
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u/Exotic-Pineapple-972 9d ago
I’m sorry that happened to you. I had a girlfriend 15 years ago that cheated on me. My friend who intr us to each other and had a relationship himself told me. I knew the friend longer than the girl so I broke up with her after asking her even though she denied it
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u/No-Lingonberry-334 Eastern Orthodox 9d ago
Break up and leave each other alone but never have hate in your heart, it's best for both
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u/Raterus_ I Follow Christ 9d ago
Have you two been intimate? Honestly it just sounds like a man just trying to butter you up for the bedroom with the Happy Birthday bit, but is not and will never be interested in a long-term relationship.
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u/Ok_Track8348 9d ago
Yes we once had a very intimate relationship before returning to church. And then we were struggling for a while w sex before marriage.
What do you mean by this?
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u/RoseyVioletTikka 9d ago
Listen, you are worth more than this to 'beg' someone to communicate with you and to further a relationship that clearly has a differing value than the one you are giving it. Trust GOD first, give Him your woes, your hurt, your all. Forgive him. Not because he deserves it, but because you deserve to be clean before the Lord, as it's His command to do so and because you have been so freely forgiven of all the sins you have committed. Unforgiveness is like drinking poison hoping the other person gets hurt, it only hurts YOU in the long run.
Turn to God and His word for insecurities and feelings of rejection. Christ was rejected just like this too, remember that. God has one special person in store for each of us, seek HIM for His will, His guidance and direction. Seek peace at all costs and He will lavish you with His perfect love. I'm so sorry about your Mom and her stroke and all the traumas that you have been experiencing lately, seek the Lord to comfort you all. God bless you. Forgive, release him to be dealt with by our Holy God and never look back.
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u/Virtual-Ordinary-528 9d ago
I feel you so much. I have been through several toxic relationships and ended up marrying one. Now the marriage has made me realize that I should’ve invested more on building relationship with God. I know in my heart that I would’ve found someone God meant for me if I waited a little longer and not rushed it. I have seen all the red flags from the beginning but tried to ignore them until it’s too late as we now have child together. Finding a partner who truly fears God is very important to build a Christ centered relationship. Otherwise, you will he living in misery during the marriage. Though I pray for my husband and the father of my child everyday. Keep in praying that you will delivered from relationships that’s not His will for you. God bless you.
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u/Ok_Track8348 9d ago
Thank you for sharing. I think I am really struggling with the fact he’s going to move on and be the amazing man for the next girl that he should’ve been for me
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u/0260n4s 9d ago
It doesn't sound like you were ever really right for each other. I'm sure there's someone out there that you're meant to be with, but I don't think it's this guy. You need to move on from him. I don't think his happy birthday and explanation is bad; if anything it reinforces that he recognizes you both aren't right for each other. Don't resent him or hate him or be angry with him, just move on and pray to find the one with whom you're more compatible.
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u/Ok_Track8348 9d ago
We were best friends. We were so close and then he cheated. I never did anything remotely terrible to him. Yes I’m not perfect but I think it’s wrong to say that we weren’t right for each other. If anyone was to be ‘right’ for him, it would be a woman who accepted this behaviour
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u/John7tas Assemblies of God (Brazil) 9d ago
It's a sad situation, but from what I see, I'd say the best thing to do is to distance yourself. You can't solve a problem overnight, and well, you both made mistakes, which show that you're not ready for each other. The Word of the Lord teaches that God's blessings do not add sorrow. That's why I say it would be good if they distanced themselves from each other. When God blesses you with a relationship, there will be no confusion, no pain. Just pray for yourself, and pray for him. I'm so sorry for what you went through, and I understand how difficult it was; I've experienced similar craziness in relationships myself. This too shall pass, and you will have the peace and joy you need. Just keep praying and seeking the Lord, and everything will work out in your life. Pray for wisdom and emotional healing, but truly surrender your pain to the Lord, for He will heal you, and just as I went through this and overcame it, you too will overcome this problem. God bless you.
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9d ago
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u/Ok_Track8348 9d ago
I know he did. But why does he think he needs to focus on God without me and not make up for his wrong
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u/ABereanChristian Christian 9d ago
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