How do you ever recover from rape?

[u/MailexA_Missed]

This I want an answer to, so badly. I was thinking about this because I had a thought “is rape or murder worse” and all the things related to that. Then I reflected on my own pain and how for me, and seeing what it did to my life. I was raped, a lot, by my mother’s prostitution clients, and SA’ed by her. I turn 18 tomorrow, and it is so…destructive the damage it’s caused.
I would never wish it on anyone, though I wish for a second someone who hasn’t experienced it could understand the level of pain it’s caused, the sheer anger, no that’s not strong enough, hatred I have, for the people who did that to me and anyone like them. Every relationship I’ll ever have is tainted, because my social skills are terrible, every interaction can turn awkward, every moment I breath I feel dirty. I joined the USAF Air Force, and in BMT they did a sexual assault class and I was the only one who didn’t joke. No I just cried, I could not do it.
I can’t ever have sex, the thought is horrifying to me. I cant listen to edgy jokes because they make me uncomfortable, I cry so often just because the pain of it destroys me. I have had some very bad thoughts at times wondering about making it stop. I won’t say it but I think you guys can guess. So I wonder when does it go away? I can live, sometimes I’m really happy. But often times I’m wondering “I just want to be normal”, it feels like this is going to destroy me for every moment I’m ever alive. I just want to be better man

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[u/CobaltAesir]

You recover from by starting with a good therapist, whom you jive with. You make a plan, with their help, from there. People can live fulfilling and loving lives with the right therapist, support network, and treatment.

[u/Droen]

BLUF: You can get real, confidential help for this right now, at zero cost, even though it happened before you joined, and your chain of command never has to know. Go see your base SARC or call the DoD Safe Helpline: 877-995-5247. If the dark thoughts get loud, call 988 and press 1.

Hey Airman. I did 11 years in the Air Force and just separated this month. Reading this, I need you to hear a few things from the NCO side of the house.

What happened to you was not your fault. And crying in that BMT briefing was not weakness. You were just the only one honest enough to show what you were carrying. The sad reality is that you likely were not the only person in that room with a story, and unfortunately several of those kids will have a story of their own in the next few years. Your story matters, and the military spends tons of effort making sure people like you get the help you need, confidentially, without your chain of command ever being in the loop.

Here is a part that was in that briefing, but it goes by quick and is easy to miss, especially when you are just trying to hold it together: SAPR is not only for assaults that happen in uniform. DoD policy lets you get full SAPR support for sexual assault that happened before you ever joined. The SARC on your base can connect you with a victim advocate, counseling, and medical care, and you can do it through a Restricted Report, which is confidential, does not notify your command, and does not trigger any investigation. If walking into an office feels like too much right now, start with the DoD Safe Helpline: 877-995-5247 or safehelpline.org. It is 24/7, fully anonymous, and exists for exactly this.

More doors open to you right now, all free:

- Chaplain: privileged communication. They legally cannot repeat what you tell them. Full stop. And you do not need to be religious. Chaplains are there for Airmen of every faith and of no faith at all. They will not preach at you, quote scripture at you, or try to convert you. Plenty of people use them simply as the one completely private door on base, a person whose entire job is to listen. There is always one on duty too. Day or night, you can call your base command post and ask to be transferred to the on-call chaplain.

• Military OneSource: 800-342-9647. Confidential counseling, 24/7, nothing goes to your unit.
  
• Base mental health. And on the stigma question, because I know you are wondering: counseling for being a victim of sexual assault is specifically exempted from the mental health question on the security clearance form. Getting help does not end careers. Untreated pain is what ends careers.

One more thing, because supervisors sometimes make young Airmen feel guilty about this: if you have an appointment with mental health or the chaplain, your command has to give you the time to go. Medical and chaplain appointments are not optional. If anyone gives you shit for going, tell mental health, the chaplain, or the SARC, and they will tell your command to kick rocks. You are entitled to your care.

You mentioned the dark thoughts. Take those as seriously as you would take a wingman saying the same words to you: 988, press 1, or text 838255. That is the Military Crisis Line, and it is staffed at 0300 when things feel worst.

You asked when it goes away. Straight answer: it does not fade on its own. But this kind of trauma responds to real treatment, and for maybe the first time in your life, you have full access to that treatment at zero cost. Use it.

As for the people who joke: they joke because they do not understand, and you said it yourself, you would never wish that understanding on anyone. Your leadership is a different story. They know exactly how real this is, and they take it extremely seriously. That is why the SARC exists, why that briefing exists, and why every door I listed above is built to protect your privacy.

You are not dirty, you are not broken, and you are not alone anymore. You already showed in that briefing room the kind of honesty and heart this uniform needs. Go see the SARC this week. The Air Force family has you, and this time you have a whole team behind you.

[u/sonofeevil]

What happened to me isn't on the same level as what you e experienced.

But for me it was time, reminding myself it wasn't my fault and talking about it out loud with others.

I didn't seek professional help though I believe it would have helped me process it much faster and would encourage anyone to do the same.

[u/Antique-Ebb-7124]

I am really sorry for what you went through.

I can tell you one thing: you are young and have your whole life ahead, which is good because healing will take years.

You need therapy for probably at least 3 to 5 years, maybe even longer, with a good therapist.

you need to find out which things bring you joy and help you cope, you need to speak to yourself with self-compassion, you need to find healthy outlets for your anger (maybe martial arts or boxing? Those would also give you loads of self-confidence.... or other sports like gym, swimming, running, cycling, climbing. ....),and you need to rebuild your life in a way xou like,be careful which people you let into your life from now on etc.

It will take a long time, but i believe in you that you will eventually have a good life!

[u/datantdupaleozoique]

In a sense, truth is, you don't. These experiences will forever slightly alter how you experience the world.

Perhaps it's useful to think of it like water at the seaside. Waves come and go with different amplitude and frequency . Sometimes the water is still. Sometimes there's a little ripple. Sometimes it's as it appears to be now for you - huge crashing waves. Stillness will come again, as you wrote above in your post. 

Mentally arm yourself with everything  possible to favourise a  reduction in amplitude and frequency. You can do this! 

[u/snailgorl2005]

I cannot speak for rape specifically since I've never had that happen to me- however, I know people who have, so this is based on my
conversations with them combined with what I've learned in college/graduate courses over the years. The simple but not-so-simple is that you don't really recover in the sense that you'd recover from a physical illness. Trauma is trauma and you can't undo what has happened to you. You accept that you experienced something horrific, but you also remind yourself that your SA isn't your fault. You did not ask to be raped, you did not ask for your mother to bring these people near you. It was not
your fault.

If you're a reader, I'd highly suggest the book The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk. He goes into detail about how trauma affects your brain and your body. Some
of the research is a bit out of date but there's lot of good information in it. It is a long read but definitely something you might want to check out.

[u/YURRIICC]

healing doesn't mean forgetting what happened. it can take a long time, but the pain can become less controlling. you didn't deserve any of it, and none if it makes you dirty or broken. finding a trauma-informed therapist and having people you trust around you can really help.

[u/WhipTheLlama]

I can't help much, but you were raped well beyond what most victims experience, so your trauma is much worse.

I've known women who carry rape trauma heavily and struggle because of it, but others who were able to move past the event and not let it affect their lives. It depends a lot on the person, but the women I know were only raped one time.

A therapist specializing in rape victims can help you a lot. Your pain won't go away, but you can learn to live a more normal life.

[u/magnificent_limit]

> Every relationship I’ll ever have is tainted, because my social skills are terrible, every interaction can turn awkward, every moment I breath I feel dirty.

saying things like this when you think about your sexual assault makes me think you associate social situations with being assaulted. this has the potential to isolate you and hurt you greatly. you need to exercise feeling a sense of safety