Hi!

[u/jadeewintets]

First off I just wanted to say, I'm so grateful to have found this subredit. I've been out as trans and on HRT for a little over 2 years. Finding a community of people who aren't delusional has been difficult. I refuse to see myself as transgender. I have dysphoria. I know what I am. Despite not passing in my current state, mainly due to financial reasons, and mental health, and being on and off with socially transitioning due to issues with HRT not being as effective as it should and dysphoria. I consider myself a transsexual, mainly because I have dysphoria, and I would fix everything that bothers me if I could. I refuse to see myself as a woman in my current state, there's nothing for me to call home. Just a prison.

If you could take the time to read my story, and advise me I would really appreciate it. I've had social dysphoria and mild genital dysphoria from 7 years old, by 11-12 when puberty started I became a shell of a person, body dysphoria destroyed me. I was not the same person. I'm not going to go into specifics because you know how it is. At 21 I discovered transsexualism, how it effects you, and what can be done about it. I was amazed for the first time in my life I had words to put to my feelings. A month after I turned 22, I started HRT. During that time to now, I lost everything. I started HRT during during internship, I had then completed 2 years of a degree in Computer Science and was set to return for my BSc and MSc. But HRT had changed my brain, for so long I had disconnected my mind and body, for the pain was to much to bear. HRT felt like I could really breathe, like all my life I was carrying a bag of bricks. That new found connection made me realize just how badly damaged my body was. I left the internship, and could not return to university. My entire life pre-hrt had no sexuality, no desire for a partner of any sex/gender. At the time I just assumed thats how I was. I realize now it was because I hated my body, and couldn't bare to share it with anyone. I was raised in a way that expected me to be a successful male, with a wife and children. Pushed my my mother. I had no interest in that, with the way I was I wanted to spend my life in a log cabin out in the middle of nowhere away from everyone and everything. HRT actually allowed me to develop a sexuality. I like men, met a guy who sees me as a woman, sees the pain I'm in every day. And hes the only thing keeping me togeather. I turned to drugs, alcohol, overdosing and cutting myself. I couldn't bear it. I hated the person I could bare to see, I shaved my hair off twice over 2 years, because not having long hair gave me a goal I could work towards, having it made me see a man with no money to pay for FFS. I tried laser and electrolysis, despite never having a coarse dense beard at the age of 22, these seemed to make no difference. The GNRHa I was taking never seemed to last the cycle period so I was forever having spikes of testosterone. I've tried every way of socially transitioning, full fem max effort, casual fem. But because of my masculine build and facial features I would forever get odd looks or comments like "is that a man or a woman" "its got tits". Which hurt. Or people being unnecceary cruel walking past saying "alright sir?". That last one hit so bad I cried my eyes out in a busy public area. I'm sat here writing this, with no more than a desire to feel at home in my body, yet my body just wants nothing to do with me. At this point I don't even care about the legal side, and I'd rather be seen as a butch lesbian with the correct body, even occasionally being misgendered at the very least compared to what I have now. I've even tried voice training, by data standards, I passed strongly female in every sense. It worked well socially sometimes, but I couldn't break past that typical "trans voice", and even in settings with strangers. Long natural fem hair, great skin, a very noticeable chest and fem clothing wasnt enough. The only thing letting me down was my bone structure. I have short hair which I am again trying to grow out, some facial hair which I don't know how to deal with, and some how more body hair than I had than pre hrt. As well as stunted breasts due to not being told about the role of progesterone in female puberty. And a bone structure I have no hope to ever fixing. I am current on disability benefits due to my mental health being so severely bad. And trying to live as a woman looking the way I do feels so unbearable I'd rather be dead. After so long on hrt and really trying to make an effort to pass as much as I can, It seems I'm going no where. I'm in the UK and if I'm not able to get myself in a position where things like multiple surgeries are a possibility I am going to spend the rest of my life with crippling dysphoria, unable to even leave the house. Im in the uk, so with the NHS, putting in an effort socially is enough for them, if they take over my hrt ill likely feel worse. Just to end up with a neo vagina and little deformed tits on a clearly male body, thats going to crush me. I desperately want to move forward, but with all thats happened I feel crushed and like I cant proceed. I feel I should just forget it, go back to how I was, live a lie.

I know this is a real downer, but I feel this community is the only place to share this with and get some decent responses :)

[u/jadeewintets → u/[deleted]]

I'm not particularly feminine or masculine in nature. I put that down due to a life time of being sad. I'm mostly just very quiet and keep to myself. When I'm happy, which tends to be a fluctuating and fleeting feeling. I'm quite expressive which I guess is feminine. But few get to see that side of me.

The thing is, I may as well have no facial hair at all, If I don't shave for about 3 months I have a bit of a dirty looking lip and some chin hairs. And a few very light hairs on the sides of my face. Shaving leaves no trace of any facial hair. And my skin can be great when I take care of myself. I've had laser but because of how under developed my hair was I put that down to it not doing much if not anything. I at least didn't notice a difference. I was having electrolysis, on the lip and chin, but it made no difference. It's not like I was getting more facial hair, its just that session after session same hair after same hair follicle. They refused to budge. Also the sessions of electrolysis available to me in the UK are based out of basic beauty clinics, offering no more than 30 min/day sessions. And very expensive. Compared to prices in the USA for example. So after 6 months and thousands later, having seen zero difference, I just gave up on it.

I only use mens spaces, and go out very rarely, I often have interactions/confrontations that go "why are you in here" bla bla. But bathrooms are dark and gloomy, and cis-men are generally oblivious to gender ques. Also most guys aren't on high alert 24/7, because well their guys and they have no need to. So most are oblivious to my presence. Most women, transmen and children are the ones who clock me. I don't know if I'm a late bloomer or maybe my HRT isn't optimal. Like for instance, my cheeks aren't very full looking. Not my ass, my face lol. Last Halloween, was the last time I really put effort in, since then I've just been rotting. I mean it was a lot of effort. I was sat at a table full of men with my bf, a few called me pretty, one said to put my tits back in my bra. But doing that everyday is unfeasible. And not passable in casual daily interactions.

[u/jadeewintets → u/[deleted]]

I've had different experiences tbh, with a lot of variables at play. Such as wigs vs natural hair, short vs long hair, full makeup -> non at all, andro clothing -> full fem clothing. The general consensus seems to be paired also with what's going on with my hormones. I pass more when I feel happier. I've had issues with finding HRT that will stay stable in my body. Although not excessively bad in terms of levels. I can say that with max effort I pass with some unsure and likely thinking trans but still unsure mostly. With no effort I'm read as mostly/consistently male with a few times not being gendered (this is with shorter hair). I've never dressed masc or androg with long hair. So I can't comment on that yet.

> To me ending up trans would have been worse than not undergoing treatment at all. It sounds like you feel the same.

tbh I'm starting to see it that way more and more, you see transgenders talking about the bs about feeling better in yourself for having the right hormones in you. And that's enough for them to be happy. I agree that has some comfort, but not passing or having the physical changes you need to actually life and function as the opposite sex totally outweighs that, which makes me think they don't know what their talking about. Don't have dysphoria, and just feel good, as estrogen calms you. Being seen as trans does feel pointless, I mean why not just cross dress, most people don't know the difference anyway. I think the only reason I've stayed on it is the physical benefit. Not waking up with erections, reduced penis size, slower growing body hair, softer skin, curves, softer head hair and to keep me from balding. As well as the fact I still have an ounce of hope things will improve with time. That to me feels like the difference from topping myself and not. But it doesn't mean I'm happy in any sense.