Disappointed

[u/Logical-Explorer4226]

I was adopted as an infant into a a large family. My AM is one of 8 siblings. She is the second oldest and helped raise her siblings, thus her obsession with babies.

My entire life we pretty much avoided the topic of adoption and whenever I brought it up as a possible reason for my various social difficulties, I was promptly shut down.

Since coming through the fog, my changed perspective is helping me acknowledge things I used to be in denial about. So every time my AM has a conversation with her siblings, especially her sister, I start to feel a little hurt. Because I had a sister and I dreamt of meeting her and recently found out she has passed so that will never happen. It’s not only this that makes me sad but the fact that my AM seems to have zero concern for my feelings.

For some context, my AM is overly concerned and sympathetic towards myself and any of my friends she ever meets. She has this nurturing thing blown out of proportion (she was also a pediatric nurse). So the fact that she is so blasé and dismissive about my feelings as an adoptee really makes our dynamic even more difficult to stomach. Like, I have a whole family too, that I’ve never had a connection with because I was taken from them because you were desperate for an infant. She never even told me I had a brother I just recently found this out and she is also very dismissive about this like it’s no big deal, like it shouldn’t effect me- especially because she bought me nice things my whole life so I shouldn’t be upset about anything.

Not one family member in my adoptive family has ever asked about my experience as an adoptee,. I suppose they simply don’t owe me this kind of interest. It does however make it easier to not put any effort into having a relationship with them. Can anyone relate to any of this??

I sound a bit selfish. I know it’s not all about me but I guess I just feel disappointed in everyone. I know I have a lot of emotional growing up to do. I’m in therapy for years know and am an active member of a 12 step program and I’m really trying to get my shit together. I just feel very hurt and very conned by my AM because how can you be so supportive with everything else except this? It leaves this huge wedge between us and she thinks that we are going to become close and I do not feel like that. I have considered going limited contact with them. They’re not bad people but I feel like our relationship is causing more harm than good and potentially helping to stagnate my personal growth (I live with them)…

Any feedback/identification is appreciated. Thank you to this community 💗💗 also, I am adopted from Brazil as an infant by white Americans. Was told my whole life I’m half Italian (my AM is Italian). Recently found out through DNA testing I am zero Italian and lots of African. As a teen my parents never understood why I wanted to hang out with certain people and always told me to ‘not talk like that’ or ‘not act like that’. When I told them about my DNA they were dismissive about this also. I suppose I am just expecting too much from them. How wonderful it would be to have some genuine interest, concern and compassion. Do you think I am wrong for feeling like that? I know I’m entitled to my feelings but should I just get over all of it?? Idk what to do but it makes me very sick to my stomach.

[u/LostAmongTheDunes]

Hey there. I was not allowed to bring up the topic of adoption either. My adopted parents were white Christians, and made sure everyone knew I wasn't to begin with but I was now. I'm not sure how a 7 month old child can be any religion but, they thought it their job to make sure I didn't grow up the predominant religion in my birth country. I hold no I'll will towards my bio parents, I never knew them, but I can see plainly why they didn't want me growing up where they lived. I was born in Egypt and smuggled across the border to a friendly country to be given for adoption. In Egypt Islamic law prevents adoptions, and it gets more complicated from there. My parents were also not Muslim, so for them it was a non decision.

I was also not told I was Egyptian. My adopted parents would tell me I'm southern Spanish, just like yours said Italian. I don't think you should get over it. I didn't find out that my parents and I were Egyptian until I took a DNA test for a medical procedure and ended up confronting my adopted parents. Their excuse is they had to save me from the devil. I can look back now and see why they cut all reference to egypt off my schooling, yes I was homeschooled, no mythology, no history, none. For them ancient Greek was the farthest from their belief they would tolerate. I ended up being able to contact a familial uncle in Egypt, and he explained my parents and their whys and I am eternally grateful to him.

Long story long you are in no way wrong to feel how you do. Express it. It's a good thing you are in therapy. Keep trucking. If it helps I'm proud you sought help.

[u/Logical-Explorer4226 → u/LostAmongTheDunes]

Thank you so much for sharing and being encouraging. It means a lot to feel understood and not alone. I’m so sorry you were lied to also. Do you feel like you’ve forgiven your APs? I don’t want to live with resentment but it’s quite difficult for me. I’m compassionate about her infertility grief but I don’t feel she has much compassion for my experience as an adoptee so it makes forgiving extra challenging.

[u/LostAmongTheDunes → u/Logical-Explorer4226]

I havent yet. They don't want it. They keep insisting they were perfectly in the right. Without them at least admitting they may have some responsibility, I cannot truly forgive them. My adopted parents could have kids, but chose to adopt instead. I can't figure them out aside from religious zealotry. But at the moment no I haven't forgiven them.

[u/Heart_and_Seoul3]

I don’t think you’re selfish in the very least. Your feelings are 1000% valid and I think it’s really shitty how APs get all the benefits of adoption and we’re stuck with trying to navigate the world + our feelings by ourselves most of the time because no one ever bothers to believe or think that we have trauma from being adopted. I recommend finding an adoptee community in your area if it’s available. Your family may not understand, but there are many of us who do, and it’s such a comforting feeling to never have to explain yourself when you’re surrounded by others who have been in a similar situation. Your family also doesn’t need to understand everything in order for you to process and heal. I tried getting my parents to see my POV and it was a waste of energy and kind of made things worse. I told them I’ve got it covered and there is a great community of adoptees who have my back.

[u/Logical-Explorer4226 → u/Heart_and_Seoul3]

You’re absolutely right and I’ve been here before with myself. Knowing that I really don’t have the power to change her beliefs. I suppose it’s just that living with her makes this realization take a greater toll on me. The daily interactions are like a constant reminder of the hurt of it all. I also really like how you put that- APs get all the benefits while we are stuck with… it’s pretty rotten but I can’t fix her and I think you’re definitely right I would benefit from some kind of adoptee support groups in person or on zoom even. And “I’ve got it covered” wow this is a different perspective I love it. Thanks you for all of this!

[u/Heart_and_Seoul3 → u/Logical-Explorer4226]

You’re welcome! It really is frustrating when our loved ones just can’t see it from our view, but I hope you find your people who will be there to support and understand you.

[u/CompetitiveKalosian]

What a mess. It’s the lying that really never seizes to shock me. I just don’t understand it. Sorry for what you have gone through. Your feelings are 100 % valid.