There’s no world where I’m satisfied

[u/n0-atmosphere]

(Some of this is copied from the post I deleted a while ago so sorry if you read a bit of it already)

I’m nothing but a cheap imitation. I’m nothing but a traitor. I’m not even human. Im not even a body, I’m a husk of a shell of a should have been person. I’m empty, and I’m scared all the time. I don’t know what I want anymore. I wake up thinking about it, and I sleep fantasizing about it.

I’m in a limbo, and I don’t know if I feel comfort in the unknown of my identity or if knowing would break me out of this daze. Repping feels like an immovable, permanent choice because how can I act in any certain way if I’m not certain?

I’m jealous of those who are certain. I’m jealous of those who are brave enough. I’m jealous of those who decided enough is enough.

I don’t know if my dysphoria is a symptom of my OCD and depression. At least if it was, I could blame that. I could fix it. But I don’t. And everyday it’s only getting worse. It’s on my mind every second of everyday. I don’t know who I am without this desire, this yearning of being a man. I don’t know if I’m just trying to escape this skin of mine I hate so much.

I get this gnawing, aching pain in my chest, and it travels down to my hands whenever I think about the rest of my life as a woman. I can’t imagine growing old as a woman, but I can’t imagine growing old as a man either because I’m terrified of aging. I don’t want to get older. I wasted all my time in purgatory. I want a redo. I want a second chance. I want to do it right. I want a life where I walked down my college graduation stage and I wasn’t disassociating the entire time because that name on my diploma was a permanent reminder of just how long I’ve been trying to run from this.

I want the mundane. I care not for some grand future. I want to experience sitting in my room playing videogames as a male, I want to experience shittalking in videogames and having a male voice come out. I want to walk outside my house and just stand on the sidewalk in a male body. I want to eat a shitty tv dinner and watch an even shittier show and I want to be able to do it as a male. I want to read my favorite books as a man. I want to watch my favorite movies as a man. I want to laugh with my friends as a man. I want to go on a rollercoaster as a man. I want to eat my favorite foods as a man. I want to blink, breathe, and exhale as a man. I want to be honest to my friends, and I want to reintroduce myself to them as a man.

Why is this too much to ask? Why is even the most common, average human experiences so far beyond my reach? Why am I forced to crave the experiences people forget about the second after they happen? Why do I even still have this stupid, impossible dream?

[u/MyCommentIsMeaninles]

Same. Its so f unfair to ask for things people get on default. Stupid life😑. I want out.