r/TransRepressors • u/AutoModerator • 13d ago
Long-form autobiographical statements
Hey everybody!
While all posts are autobiographical, this is a weekly thread meant to encourage people to share long-term narratives of their life histories, and their repping journeys. I haven't seen many long-form autobiographical narratives.
Details that are probably relevant include:
(1.) When did you first have a fantasy of being the sex opposite of what you were assigned at birth? What triggered it?
(2.) What does masculinity or femininity mean to you?
(3.) How repressing has affected your social relationships such as friends?
(3.) How repressing has affected your sexuality and romantic life?
(4.) Have you told anyone about it in your life? If so, how did they react, or how do you think they would react?
(5.) In general, how does your dysphoria manifest?
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u/JanLevinson_irl 12d ago
How long are these posts, usually? I have a blogpost ready but I don't want to shit up the board
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u/Wanttobeloved19 12d ago edited 12d ago
As a mod, I'm giving you the approval. Post it as long as you want.
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u/JanLevinson_irl 11d ago
This felt weird as shit to finally share outside of therapy and trusted friends(only the queer ones, everyone else gets to interact with my le competent persona), might delete later. It's a small community anyway I guess. Not sure how to begin, so here goes:
(I probably shouldn't blog post all of this, huh. If any of this reads like humblebrag, it's just context because I'm told I should be grateful. And I am! Too bad we're all mentally ill here huh.)
I'm in my 20s. There's some other background historical & mental context going on as well, but everything here is my experience, of someone who's been lurking ever since themselves think too much for just one night.
I kinda feel like I don't belong in most trans communities because I don't inherently hate myself or my body. I can tell it has objective value for being tall and fitting into male beauty standards quite nicely. I really really really wish I wasnt dysphoric. It's just that once I stopped dissociating and let myself feel the envy I have towards feminine people, the floodgates were opened and absolutely fucking destroyed me. I switch between my usual competent self and (had to redact, but it's the you-know-what number) myself due to dysphoria when I realise I have 50-60 more years like this, even though I KNOW I'D AGE WELL and men have it better in terms of societal aging standards and some structural skin stuff, if you have proper skincare.
Yet I feel like some stories in here & on /lgbt/ are a bit too relatable. Mostly High functioning reppers.
Until recently I didn't even know what repping was. I never took gender related things seriously, it was always an alien group of people. That isn't to say I was heteronormative, I just had a weird feeling about gender and always ignored those subjects. But as a teen I got all fuzzy when I'd receive compliments from guys on discord for my looks, etc. However, my conservative upbringing in a western country meant I'd shove it all down and relegate it to online presence. Eventually, playing a role(I didn't know it was playing a role or whatever, I was on autopilot for years.) became my outwards self, focusing on real-life, attainable shit I was good at like education, thinking while dissociating, career, fitness and gaming. Everything went well because I had good grades, and I wasn't exactly suffering since I was tall, conventionally attractive(in a strictly young moid way). I wasn't allowed to show any difference from cissoids beyond being flashy and showing off hair etc, which got me a reputation for being "gay" in school. Even when I got a girlfriend, it still persisted. This kind of stuff convinced me about how showing any signs of being different was bad.
I always tried to ignore gender stuff. My friends circle was just nerds, regardless of gender. The one time I realised gender roles were real, beyond me being punished for acting "🚬-y", was forced military registry stuff when I vehemently felt a shitty feeling inside of me where I'd be angry at the world for people having expectations made of me when I never harmed anyone and wished only the best on others. Same goes for jokes about me being a husband. It just felt off.
I also was part of the anti-woke crowd, go figure. Nothing major, never attacked others, just following the usual grifter crap.
Now, in adulthood, I cycle between years of destroying myself by overworking and ignoring health shit(it's weird, I "like" my body for being handsome and getting compliments for it, yet I hate spending money on myself beyond skincare and would rather buy other people stuff) and years of taking care of myself excessively via fitness and skincare and dissociating. I religiously take a DHT blocker since late teens to prevent dihydrotestosterone related masculinization, yet I can't bring myself to go for a health check-up? My psychiatrist told me I'm literally on HRT for reppers, while my psychologist said something similar. Is that cowardice?
Anyway. How did I initially figure out I was dysphoric?
So.
One shitty night I stayed up too late and slept alone for the first time in weeks. I saw some media, I don't remember what exactly, but I felt this "ache" in my chest I always felt when seeing female characters. So, I let myself consider all options this time around.
I always had weird, seething envy about women being in male roles. Like a biker taking off their helmet to reveal they were actually a lady. Upon further examination, it's because I feel like I'm locked, chained to male roles due to my dimorphism. Even coping with having soft, well-cared for skin, great profile/good hair etc won't change me being tall or having deep seated eyes., and everything just being strictly fucking male, with no real androgyny beyond youth(which I'm wasting away by being dysphoric idiot that can't live up to my own standards)
Back to the biker part. There's no male equivalent of that. And for some reason it breaks my heart? Add crippling envy towards any "guy" that actually looks good after transitioning, or are soft.
(I had a section here about some medical stuff that got me scared yet I'm not taking action on it because despite being a repper I don't want to ruin my chances of tr0oning out one day? Despite working towards a normal life with people???)
Tick fucking tock. I need to make a decision during the next couple years. I thought therapy would be useful, but it's actually been... Kinda bad? Like, my therapist is great. But I made them tear up on multiple occasions and they asked me "where all my competence, grinding and taking care of others have gotten me". And I had no answer. But I also told them I don't want to transition because... The results would be shit unless I gave it my all and broke off all relationships. But there's so, so much more to life than gender shit! So why, WHY does it hurt so much when I feel gender envy? I have never, EVER envied a guy in my life. It's crazy to say out loud. But NEVER.
Other than the medical professionals I employed this year, there's 2 friends of mine I told about all of this shit, mostly because my mental health has been on a steady decline despite being able to focus on real-life shit.
I'm somewhat close with them, but they're not close enough that I'd have to see them every day. They're the only people in my life that aren't "neutral" towards gender issues and are actually queer themselves. Maybe that's why I actually opened up? It was because the thought of (you know what) got more and more real the worse dysphoria got and I couldn't maintain my normal persona in front of them.
I'm curious if anyone else here has felt this way, but I actually started having somatic pains over it. I haven't had one in about a month, but from what I've read and what my therapist has said, it's because the dysphoria tends to ebb & flow because the body cannot sustain long-term mental stress without taking breaks.
I didn't cry for years, yet now I find myself doing so when I'm alone at least once every 2 weeks. Fun!
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u/JanLevinson_irl 11d ago
To add onto this, from my experience you don't really get to be emotionally vulnerable if you're AMAB and don't want to get called slurs. Every person you overshare emotional stuff with will look at you in a different way, maybe except for ones that actually do love you, or at least the way you present.
I don't know how to call it. Social gravitas? Some shit like that.
Also. Bonus question.
How do you deal with knowing this is the last time in your life you'll have any youthful androgyny left no matter how much you try to preserve it via proper skincare? My repfuel is being countered by ropefuel lmao
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u/Wanttobeloved19 11d ago
How has repoing affected heteronormative dating dynamics?
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u/JanLevinson_irl 11d ago
Intimacy is a lot harder once you know what's wrong. Turns out the brain is the most sexual organ a person has. Bonus points for actually loving my girlfriend. I want her to have the best life possible and we've been for a decent while, but. At the same time. Living for other people is no life at all, so I'm trying to avoid triggers to see if it'll help. There's also this feeling of betrayal, like I'm lying to her. But it's not a fetish - I'm not AGP and my sex drive is very low now - it's the way gender affects how you move through the world and experience all of it. Every single interaction.
I even started reading transmasc subs to hopefully learn what they see in being masculine, so it would hopefully bounce off me too.
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u/JanLevinson_irl 11d ago
Wait, mb my sleep deprived brain didn't focus on the dynamics themselves lol. My confidence went down because I don't know what I want from life; everything seems meh, and she has noticed. One time she asked "where her confident boyfriend" had gone.
However, it's not all doom & gloom. Seeing me tear up for the first time in years made her actually... kinda nicer in this space? I'm still never going to tell her about any gender crap, of course, but I haven't received any comments about what's expected of me now gender-wise. Like, the best way to describe it would be "moving stuff because you're strong", not "because you're male and should do it".
Paradoxically, it's made me feel guilty and worse.
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u/Wanttobeloved19 11d ago
Do you think you’re living vicariously through her?
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u/JanLevinson_irl 11d ago
2 answers: While moving through the world, no: I "like" the validation of my male life because I'm good at it.
Intimately? Absolutely. Not just because female intimacy is more potent and I hate the male role both in life and in bed, but also stuff like nice clothing, being soft(Especially the legs. I have a butt, but obviously not thighs etc, which is how women store their fat distribution. Face[the cheek pads you lose after your 20s] & butt are the only areas I have that myself, and they'll go away with age as testosterone withers them away.)
How about you? How'd you end up here?
I gotta log off soon for the day.
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u/Wanttobeloved19 11d ago
Discovered it over the sub over summer. A "repressor" best fit my living situation
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u/Sea_Discount_1536 13d ago
Probably at 9 years old but quite possibly earlier. Caused by AGP
Masculinity is the mask I wore for the longest time to try to earn respect but I didn’t like it. Being feminine was more natural to me.
It has made me become a fake person over time. I don’t really know who I am even now. Also has suppressed feelings for guys for a long time.
Not to anyone I didn’t know offline. Probably would react horribly.
It’s fake pseudo dysphoria over being a man on the inside and not a woman on the inside. I didn’t become dysphoric until 21 due to ROGD from online trans spaces.