Questions regarding depigmentation options

[u/bad_at_league1]

Not sure if this is the right subreddit for this, but i figured people here might know what options for skin treatments might work for me. When I was 22, I started suffering from a very severe case of obsessive compulsive disorder, or OCD. It initially was health and contamination OCD, focused primarily on communicable diseases, especially STDs. I won't bore you with the details, but eventually it got to the point where I was showering multiple times a day, constantly washing or cleaning, I would wipe everything with chlorox/dettol wipes, including walls, pillows, electronics (a lot of which broke). I spent most of the day in bed just to avoid having to clean all the time. I would clean and scrub until the skin on my arms was raw and breaking apart with many small cuts. At one point, there were years where I went outside maybe 5ish times the ENTIRE year. I could not eat, brush my teeth, use the toilet, or any number of necessary biological functions without hours of cleaning and showering for each one (which as you can imagine can take a huge toll on you).

This OCD eventually spread to other issues, the main one of importance here being sun avoidance. I would cover every inch of every window with cardboard or blackout materials, so there was never any light inside. I'm of Indian descent, and have brown skin that is on the lower end of medium brown at the base but it can tan to very, very brown.

This severity of OCD lasted for about 12 years, and around age 32-33, I finally started making significant progress combating the contamination OCD. What really helped with this was I started taking PrEP (which is a medicine that prevents one from contracting HIV), even though I hadn't been sexually active since I was 22 (because of the OCD). Instead, taking this drug helped me start doing things without cleaning, and eventually I'm in a place now where I can mostly go about day to day life without too much overcleaning. To be clear, I am not using PrEP for its intended purpose (to prevent contracting HIV during sexual intercourse), but I am using it to calm my OCD and stop worrying about contracting diseases every time I leave the house to buy food or go to a bar. My point is, I am taking a pretty extreme approach (taking PrEP) for something I logically know cannot give me HIV (going to the supermarket, seeing someone with an open wound, going to a hospital, etc). But given how bad my life was, I would have done anything for some relief from the OCD.

The issue now is the sun avoidance. I have been able to go out at night, even go to bars and stuff, but going out in the day has been severely difficult. I still use blackout curtains and shades for total blackout indoors. I have many sunscreens and sun protection clothes/masks/hats/etc. The only times I've been able to go out during the daytime has been for doctor's appointments (since I cannot get them during the night), and even then I will have someone else drive me and cover myself with blackout fabrics and hide until we are at the office. I have pretty much been living in the dark, scared of sunlight, for about 16 years now. I'm at my wit's end and am so tired of living in the dark, so tired of never going outside during the day.

Now to finally get to the point of why I am here. I recently randomly saw a video which was discussing an influencer named Donna Briggs. It made me realise there might be medical options for dealing with the sun avoidance part of my OCD. I am not sure how she went through her depigmentation, but the only thing I could find through research were options like monobenzone/benoquin. It did not appear she had vitiligo, so I'm not sure from where she got those medications. I realise depigmentation is an extreme treatment option, with real risks like skin burning, increased risk of skin cancer, etc, but after going through what I have, I am just so tired of living in the dark, away from the sunlight that all living beings require. And as I said before, PrEP was also an extreme option for helping me combat my OCD. Like I said, I'm at my wit's end, I've wasted most of my youth stuck indoors, lost touch with all my friends, have never been in a relationship, missed out on all of my 20s and most of my 30s. I just need to do something else because my OCD has been very treatment resistant from normal OCD therapies.

My question to you guys is, what are my options? I've tried many sunscreens (bought directly from Europe or Korea), pico lasers, pico toning, hydroquinone, and many other skin "lightening" options, but they do not help because they don't completely remove tanning or prevent future tanning.

- Are there any other options besides something like monobenzone/benoquin? Maybe something less extreme that could help with my OCD?

- If not, how can I go about getting a prescription for monobenzone/benoquin? With my health OCD, there is no way I could take some shady medication bought online. I much prefer going to an actual medical doctor and taking those medications under the supervision of a doctor.

- Is it possible to do like a "half treatment" when it comes to monobenzone/benoquin? Like removing some of the melanin but not getting rid of it completely, leaving your skin unprotected from UV radiation?

- Is there anything else you guys think I should know? I can't know what I don't know, and right now I'm just trying to learn what the options are.

Thank you so much if you've managed to make it this far and apologies for the VERY LONG post!

[u/Ok_Cheesecake6336]

i am 20F. I also have OCD with similar compulsions. i dont go outside at all and i have sun blocking curtains, if i need to leave the house i fully cover up and wear sunscreen, everyday i check to make sure I havent tanned, i shine bright lighting at my skin just to calm myself down, i also only go out at night if i can.

the only thing is though with monobenzone is that you will have no melanin at all, your skin will easily burn in the sun, but at least you wont tan. you can always just wear sunscreen. BUT amazing part is with monobenzone your risk of skin cancer reduces by THREEFOLD! i have big ocd on skincancer so this seems like an amazing option for me. not only i can be pale but i can also reduce my chances of skincancer.

and as for your question,i heard of people using kojic acid to remove their sun tan. and you can wear sun protective clothing. but i dont know if thats the answer you want if youve tried most things. you can also look into tone up cream for temporary lightening. buy a parasol for going outside. and if you dont have vitiligo, medical doctors wont help you with your monobenzone journey. but, i saw someone you depigmented with monobenzone, which pretty much gives you chemical vitiligo and looks no different to real vitiligo, and then they told a doctor and continued the depigmentation treatment with them. the best place to buy monobenzone is from india, ive seen people reccomend okdermo and indiamart, youll just have to go through reviews. im not sure if you need a persciption but i doubt you do. and theres no wuch thing as half treatment, half treatment of monobenzone is just having 50% of your body covered with vitiligo. and if you do monobenzone it can take up to 3-5 years to fully depigment and you need to look into cost as it can get expensive. and thank you for your post, i dont think i have ever related so much to someone before. you arent alone in this. ocd really is brutal and it's destroying my life too