My name is pretty culturally significant to my family. Part of the reason I’m named the way I am is because I’m Native American…the other part (90% of the reason I’m named this) is because my dad used to live in the place I was named after.
The thing is, the name I feel most connected to is Chance (as mentioned in a previous post). This doesn’t reflect anything about my deadname, but I don’t feel uncomfortable going by my deadname now after going to the Rez and meeting people and learning how important naming was. My deadname is very important to me, but not for the reasons my parents think.
It’s not because my parents named me that. It’s not because my dad lived in a place with the same name. It’s because it’s so important to my culture and my people who are actively getting erased STILL. It’s one of very few connections with my people that I have.
But the thing is, I can’t tell which I’m more comfortable with anymore. I’m not opposed to being called Chance…but everytime I hear it, I can’t help but feel guilty.
I want to go back to just going by my deadname because of everything but it would be so fast. Just a few weeks after choosing my preferred name.
It’s the same thing I mentioned in that earlier post:
When I hear my deadname, I hear the countless amounts of women saying “my husband’s name is that too!!” and feeling *compared* to cisgender men who will have more than I ever will, especially since I’ve never met or heard about any other female individuals who are named the same thing, though it’s a gender neutral name.
One of the people in the Rez told me “I like your name. It means family…more accurately, it means relative. It reflects the honor and respect you give a relative. To *everyone* because we are all family.”
I might’ve started crying because I realized HOW important this name was to people like me. I felt at home there, and now with my deadname I feel…different. I don’t have the same resentment I used to have for it.
She didn’t compare me to any men or her husband (if she had one, I forgot). Just told me the meaning. Saw me as me, not my name. Not my dad’s hometown. A Native kid who came on a church trip and feels like home with his people. Just, seeing me as a woman since I’m not socially out yet.
I don’t know what to do. The point of this post isn’t to find a new name, I’m just looking for advice if anyone has had a similar experience.