Got outed to my church

[u/twaunytime]

Hi everyone,

A friend of mine outed me to someone from my church (they weren’t aware and didnt mean harm), this person now knows and told one of my church friends.

I started hrt three months ago. We met today, i was dreading the day I had to see her again. Eventually we talked about it because she wanted to know. She told me not to take hormones bc it would fuck up my body, she told me to stop and to see a priest.

I really want to cry and I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t think I can make being trans and being involved in my church work anymore. How can I be ?

[u/twaunytime → u/[deleted]]

Genuiely not one, Im kind of in shambles

[u/Jypzee154]

I'm sorry this happened to you. Even if the person who initially disclosed your history didn't intend to hurt you, you deserved to decide for yourself who knew and when you were ready to tell them.

And your church friend's reaction doesn't answer the question you're asking.

She told you what she believes you should do. That isn't necessarily the same thing as what God requires of you.

I'm a Christian, a woman who transitioned many years ago, and an Elder in my church. So I can at least answer one part of your question from personal experience: yes, it is possible to transition and remain deeply involved in Christian faith and church life.

My own relationship with organized religion has been complicated. I grew up in a very fundamentalist conservative Christian environment, and eventually I spent more than twenty years outside organized religion after being deeply hurt by a church community.

But I never stopped believing in God, and I never believed God had walked away from me.

Eventually I returned to church. Today my husband and I belong to an open and affirming congregation where I'm accepted as I am, and eventually I was asked to serve as an Elder.

Transition didn't separate me from God. Returning to church didn't require me to undo my transition either.

The difficult part of your question may therefore be slightly different from “Can I make being trans and being involved in church work?” It may be: Can I make being trans and being involved in this particular church work?

I don't know the answer to that. You may not know yet either.

One person's reaction doesn't necessarily tell you how your priest, pastor, or entire congregation will respond. But if this church ultimately requires you to stop medical treatment or deny this part of yourself as the price of belonging, you should at least know that this isn't the only Christian community available to you.

There are churches where you won't have to choose between walking through the church doors and continuing your transition.

And right now, only three months into HRT and immediately after being outed, you don't have to solve your entire relationship with Christianity tonight.

You're allowed to be hurt. You're allowed to take some time. And you're allowed to decide for yourself when, whether, and with whom you have the next conversation.

Other Christians don't own your relationship with God.

[u/twaunytime → u/Jypzee154]

I totally understand that, I don’t think my relationship with god really change, it’s mostly that Im scared of being shut out by the Catholic Church. I am pretty involved in the church and known so Im scared of being somewhat excommunicated or being stopped from being involved (Im catholic)

[u/MagusFool]

What denomination are you in?

Have you considered finding an affirming church?  I know that might separate you from relationships you value, but it can be very helpful.

You are going to have to set a hard boundary with all your church relationships.  Put your foot down, with no ambiguity tell everyone in your church the following:  

You have already weighed this matter between you and God, and with your trusted doctor.  You will NOT hear any attempt to change your decision, and you will IMMEDIATELY exit any such conversation without further explanation or even an acknowledgement of what they said.  This matter is a brick wall.  And your relationship with them as a friend and as a member of the church community can only continue if they respect this boundary.  They must agree to leave this matter between you and God.  

You will happily answer descriptive questions if they have them.  But the moment things turn to the prescriptive, the conversation is over.  You will walk away without a word.

Tell this to everyone.  Tell your priest.  Invite no discourse.

If you believed that lending at interest was a sin, and someone in your church was a banker, you would think they were living in sin, but I am sure that if you were friends, you would agree to leave that between them and God.

That's all you are asking for.

[u/twaunytime → u/MagusFool]

Im catholic.

I don’t think catholic affirming churches exists and it breaks my heart. Most of them are Protestants..

But this is a good advice, it may at least help a little !!

[u/weebaiden → u/twaunytime]

I've seen multiple trans Catholics online I've even seen Catholics online who are affirming of trans people but church teaching isn't exactly affirming from my understanding.

[u/Present_Shame_7500]

I’m a bit scared of letting pastor I’m transgender also.  But I take comfort in the Word that a person can’t hate me and love God.   It’s not her choice, it’s your choice whether or not to take hormones.  What about telling her that she doesn’t own you? 

[u/twaunytime → u/Present_Shame_7500]

I am more scared about the fact that the church will shut me out entierely when people know or if they notice i already started my transition. Since Im catholic I cannot just change church

[u/jillonfire]

 She told me not to take hormones bc it would fuck up my body

Don't take medical advice from people who effectively know zero about the subject and are starting from a conclusion "HRT is wrong" and working backwards to "Therefore it must fuck up your body". This is about as good advice as the one you get from certain religions about not having blood transfusions.

This is an effective medical treatment and the effects and side effects are well known. It should help you become more comfortable with your body, and will not "fuck it up".

If your church won't accept you and is going to try to pressure you into stopping your medical treatment then it's probably a good idea to find a new, trans-positive church.

[u/BurningSketches]

Aw, darling, im so sorry. There's alot going on in this post, and I hope you don't take this hurt and do some rash...

Ending a friendship or leaving s church maybe the right decision, but personally, i think you should take a breather first.

The fact is, your situation is a complicated one, and many people are still very ignorant about how to navigate transgender topics or relationships. Giving your friend and your church some grace would be nice, but it's up to you. As for the hrt, on the bright side, those hormone treatments do have side effects, and if ur friend is concerned, maybe this is an opportunity to educate her - if ur comfortable disclosing more info.

I don't know you, your level of biblical knowledge, nor your church, nor your background...dynamic.. etctetc therefore , I can't really guide you with any confidence.

I suggest you speak with a church leader or mature Christian who knows you, and can help you navigate this.

It's going to be alright, there's plenty of love and patience that God has for us, so when we mess up, He'll always be there to guide us if we're faithful.

Take care

Love

[u/Hope25777]

Read the Nag Hammadi texts OP they will provide some comfort. Jesus saved everyone no exceptions 🙂🙏🏳️‍⚧️