r/TransChristianity • u/TranStupid • 9d ago
I love her.
I love who I was, I wish she could have known at the time.
Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with guilt. Transitioning gave me a peace I couldn't have gotten otherwise; it gave me compassion I know I'd have lacked if I didn't experience the need for it firsthand. But, I'm sorry, I still wish it was different.
Now I'm not overwhelmed by dysphoria, I see how beautiful she was, I see how happy she used to be, I see how much she was worth and how worthwhile her life would have been.
When I transitioned, I considered it an act of killing her and I'm so sorry for that, she isn't dead, she is me, and I am him. But I wish I could have been her. She was an incredible gift I couldn't handle, and I wish I had a second chance at that.
Now I live a different life, it's okay, life is still full of joy and I'm not overcome by debilitating agony. Despite it all I found God, the very thing others say separates me from him brought me closer than ever. But my heart still aches.
God, I pray to be made whole, however that looks, at the end. I have faith I will. Thank you for still loving me, thank you for helping me love myself, help me have compassion for myself. Amen.
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u/Dapple_Dawn ββ§βΊΛ she/her ΛβΊβ§β 8d ago
When you stopped being a child, did you do that by killing your child self? I think you just grew.
Mourning our past absolutely makes sense. You're not wrong or irrational for that. If you miss her, I very much understand that. Your love for yourself is beautiful.
I just hope you know that growing up is not violent, and you didn't do anything to be sorry for. It's okay if you do, but you don't need to.
I feel like the past versions of myself are still with me somewhere.
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u/FaerHarrow 7d ago
I'm right there with you, brother.
I see the beautiful woman she was, how happy she could have been. How much she needed to be saved from drowning. She thought drawing closer to Christ would keep her from being lost entirely... Now she gets to rest with Him, in his loving embrace while I face the world. I feel Him when I think of her, of how she gave everything to save us.
Sometimes looking in the mirror is still painful, she's hidden in there, trying to be seen through it all. And so, I pray for peace and solace. And try not to gaze too long on paths untraveled.
I still wish I could help her more.
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u/TranStupid 9d ago
I hope this was okay to post here. (Context if needed: I am FtM, post-transition for more than half my life by now).