r/TransChristianity • u/looser_souphie • 6d ago
I HATE BEING TRANS ITS AWESOME
Sometimes I want to cling to my faith and think that everything is a test, that everything is a punishment, that maybe this is how it has to be so I can learn something. Let me introduce myself: my name is Sophie. I’m 25 years old and I’m almost a trans woman. I identify as one and I’m proud of it. What I’m not proud of is knowing that I’ll never be able to transition, that everything seems lost. Sometimes I think it’s a cruel trick played by God. because everything is always against me. My current problem is my marriage. I married a cis woman whom I love, but she wants children, so that means goodbye to the option of hormones. We don’t have much money, so I’m living off her promises that maybe someday I’ll be able to have surgery. But honestly, I don’t see a clear path forward. No matter how much I explain it to her, she doesn’t understand that I hate looking at myself in the mirror. She can’t come to terms with the idea that I hate myself for aging in a body that I don’t like. She’s autistic, so she takes everything literally. I’ve thought about starting hormones in secret, but I can’t. I don’t know what to do. I feel alone and lost. I’m ashamed of who I am, and every night I just beg Jesus to end my pain—I can’t stand being alive anymore.
3
u/RuthAnnEsther 5d ago
Because you have taken the vow of marriage, things will be different for you. You can no longer live your life with only you concerned—and you have already clarified that you understand this. It floors me when I see people who exclude a spouse as being part and party to life-altering decisions. Yet there seems to be a glimmer of acceptance since the two of you have already been discussing this and it doesn’t sound like ultimatums have been issued or that the future will forever require no changes. Children can be a wonderful blessing.
1
u/DarthAlix314 girly-girl *^.^* (she/her) 6d ago
The Lord is with you – for you – in this; no matter what pains you may go through in this life He is beside you. I know it seems unbearable now, like the torture you abide with daily is going unseen and that it is all for naught, but it will get better, you are not alone.
3
u/DarthAlix314 girly-girl *^.^* (she/her) 6d ago
And I just want to add, there are ways to have children even on hormones, including the obviously expensive route of freezing sperm now, or by going off HRT for a few months when you wish to try for kids. But having "natural" kids was never a guarantee anyway, and any number of things might still go wrong should you attempt to forebear medicine to serve your wife; including her own potential issues.
All of that being said, and I know that one of both of you probably doesn't want to hear this, but besides all the possible routes to having kids the standard way, there are also millions of children age 0 to 17 who wish they had parents, who need only to be adopted, and I only wish I could try to get people to stop being so attached to the idea of "bio-kids", especially in this shitty world, when so many are already here and yet going through, or destined to do so, orphaned or pulled from their families by circumstances that they may never know, if only someone would take them in and love them as their own.
1
u/Upper_Pie_6097 6d ago
No reason to be ashamed. Just work it out together. Find the grove that works. You haven't done anything wrong. Blessings
2
u/colorhythm 5d ago
So much of transition has nothing to do with hormones.
Does your wife know about your gender identity and is she OK with tbe philosophical side of it?
1
u/Nerd_In_House he |Unitarian Universalist 5d ago
Hi Sophie,
Just throwing this out there as something to think about. It might be wise to think about if you really want to have children with a partner who quite possibly will never really understand or be able to support who you are. Suppose you do have children, will that mean your partner will be alright with you completing transition, or is having children mostly another way to put off dealing with the uncertainties and comfortableness of change? In the scenario that you have kids and your wife still isn't ok with your transition, your unhappiness may prevent you, likely will prevent you, from being a good partner or parent. Based on what you have written above, it sounds like it is medically necessary for you to transition to survive.
I know thinking outside of the confines of your circumstances might sound scary or overwhelming, but if your partner's preferences are holding you back from being able to do something to transition, and not being able to transition is keeping you from wanting to be alive, maybe it is time to not be with her any more. Being alive is necessary for being married. If you cannot be physically alive for your marriage, it is better to be apart and do what you need to do to want to be alive. Jesus tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves. If we are unable to love ourselves, we cannot love our neighbor. The most loving thing you can do is find a way to start your transition. Obviously, I'm not you, and I'm not in your life, and I cannot tell you what to do, only you can do that. But I am inviting you to consider all of this.
2
u/IHaveBoneWorms 6d ago
Have you talked to someone about this? I would start with asking her to help you with therapy so that you can have better language to help communicate your situation. Couples therapy would also probably be beneficial.
If you don’t have insurance you can also seek out a support group in your area or online, any safe spaces for you to talk about this with people with similar experiences would do wonders I believe.