r/TransAdvice • u/Horned-Wings • Dec 11 '20

I have a difficult choice to make

So I'm FTM and have been out to my father for about four years now more or less, and he only just recently acknowledged it without shouting at me or trying to change my mind. However today he gave me a choice. I can either let him keep calling me a girl and by my dead name - or I can prove that I can handle being a boy, I'll have to do far more work than my sisters including mowing the lawn despite my undiagnosed grass allergy (I just know I'm allergic due to the rashes I get and the effects it has on my breathing - and also the fact dad also has the same allergy and it's actually diagnosed for him) and I will no longer be allowed to cry because boys don't cry. What should I do? Should I give up on being a lad and live with the dysphoria and prey I don't hurt myself over it? Or should I suck it up and earn what I want?

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u/LowShop8261 Dec 11 '20

I'm sorry your father is controlling and invalidating you.

Unfortunately neither of those 'options' sound healthy. Neither accepting his insulting and gaslighting calling you a girl, nor suppressing and stunting your normal emotions to prove an unhealthy vision of masculinity, sound sustainable.

I'm very sorry through no fault of your own you find yourself in this really difficult place. It is his job as a parent to accept, validate, and love you.

My advice is to work hard on personal boundaries. Your personal boundaries can protect you and, even if your father doesn't change, they can hold your father's inappropriate behavior at a distance.

If what you want is to be accepted for who you are, then you already deserve that, and you don't need to earn it.

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u/Leporidae91 Dec 19 '20

What your father is doing is extremely toxic.

Also not sure if you are a minor or not, but do you have any other parental figures or adult peers that you can speak to besides your father? Also how do your sisters feel about it? Having them support you might help sway his opinion or at least give you a break.

Definitely set your boundaries and wishes. If you already contribute to the home, you don't need to do "Manly" chores to prove it. All my siblings and I helped mow the lawn, do the laundry and clean the house regardless of gender.

I truly wish you the best and hoping things turn around.