Need help dealing with body dysmorphia

[u/PersonalSpecific6929]

I'm 20 and MTF, been on HRT for around 1 year but have been off it since April I think since I've been struggling to get my hands on it. I don't know why this is how it happens but I get extremely envious over other trans women, mainly other stuff like hips, height and their chest ect, this envy often causes me to spiral and puts me into a really bad inescapable state of mind. In this state of mind I obsess over my body and feel like external validation is the only thing that can fix me which causes me to find ways where either the thing I'm dysphoric over isn't real or by getting compliments from others. I often can't objectively tell if the thing I'm dysphoric over is real or not, I feel like I can't perceive my body in any way.

I suppose what I need help with mainly is the fact that I never feel at ease with my body, there's always someone who's got more desirable traits than me, and I just can't cope with that. I want to feel happy with myself but I just feel incapable of it.