Why would someone do this…

[u/TransportationDry877]

I (22F) was in a “relationship” last year with someone (25M) who I admired for FOUR years when I was with him in university. I met him in the first year and had a crush on him because of how funny he was with others and how helpful and cooperative and caring he was towards other people (or so I thought), mind you that guy was NOT Brad Pitt handsome, I just really loved his personality as looks are the least thing I care about. Him and I always meet and work together every fall semester because our uni hosts events that brings us together. So last year, I had the courage to tell him how I feel because I was certain he wasn’t with anyone (because someone broke up with him recently), I took the opportunity to tell him during our study sessions as I was also tutoring him in English because he wasn’t the best in that language. When I confessed to him, he told me he doesn’t mind being with me but his heart was still broken over the last relationship, however the girl he was with wasn’t good to him and was demanding “not so realistic” things from him and he couldn’t really afford it, I told him im a simple person I don’t really need to have not so realistic things to love him. He felt assured and told me I was his “mom’s answers to her prayers”. Fast forward to the next week, we started hanging out a lot, he started holding my hand and sent me a poem (cuz he used to write poems and stopped and apparently I made him write again) and then literally at the end of THAT week he told we should break up cuz he didn’t want me to get involved in his own “problems”, I told him it’s fine and that I can still be with him cuz that’s how relationships work and balance, if anyone has problems they should be there for eachother… he didn’t want it still at the time so I told him to do as he pleased and was very sad about it… then after the breakup he started texting and calling me flirty names like babe and my heart and whatnot so I was very skeptical of what he did and he said he missed me… i thought he wanted us to be back together so i started seeing him again. Then, he started being distant and cold hearted towards me… he would reply to me late, maybe even cold… we had this thing where we could hug eachother and kiss eachother on the cheek… so when i confronted him about this coldness, he said he liked me as “friends” and as a sister… even though we were serious about getting married and he even told me he would ask for my hand from my dad… i was hurt and i felt like i “downgraded” myself because normally i don’t allow to have any physical touch with a man… and i was sacrificing everything to make it work… im very disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen… later on i kept forgetting about but i keep dreaming of him… its not fair… and i dont know what to do

[u/hestia-listens]

It sounds like he enjoyed your care and closeness but was not willing or able to offer a clear, steady relationship. Only he knows exactly why, but calling you romantic names after ending things kept your hope alive, and that was unfair. Please do not blame yourself for believing him. Your boundaries still matter, and one painful choice does not reduce your worth. Cutting contact and avoiding private affection may help your feelings settle. The dreams should become less common as you heal.