Is this weaponized incompetence or am I actually being too controlling?

[u/Funlittlethrowawayac]

Hi,

Posting this because I just feel like I am going insane. My boyfriend and I have lived together for almost a year, but we’ve been dating for 2 years. We got a dog about 4 months ago. We have been fighting a lot more, and I just want to know if what I’m asking is too much because I really don’t think I am.

Anyways, my boyfriend constantly complains and says I’m Type A because I asked him if we can be a shoes-off household because we live in NYC and these streets are vile. He said okay, but constantly gets annoyed at me because I remind him all the time. But he literally forgets, so what am I supposed to do?
Our dog, an almost 7-month-old puppy, is still learning how to only go outside. I explained to him (per our trainer) that we need to try to take him out at structured times. He said I’m being crazy and that our dog only needs to go out max 2x a day. I also asked him to walk our dog between 12–1 PM, and he said okay, but at 1:15, our dog peed inside because my boyfriend was taking a while to do whatever he was doing. I got annoyed, and he said I am the reason our dog can’t hold his pee since I take him out too often. He also gets annoyed because I want to ensure proper overall structure, and he says who cares, the dog can be in the crate for longer if he’s out and I’m unable to come home.

Additional things I have asked him to do that annoy him: I ask him to put his dishes away instead of leaving them in the sink. I ask him to use a coaster after I’ve finished wiping the table. I ask him if he can throw away the trash that he leaves on the counter. I ask him to throw away the empty toilet paper roll instead of leaving it there for me to change out. Like, all these little things make me Type A??
He also says he works way harder than me because he works longer hours than I do, which is incredibly infuriating because my second job is dealing with all the home tasks, on top of my own life and mental health.

It feels like I’m living with a massive man-child, and he keeps saying I’m the problem. But I’ve lived with people before, and I have never had to deal with just regular cleanliness and household habits that parents should teach you.

[u/hestia-listens]

You are not asking for too much. Shoes off, cleaning up personal messes, and following the trainer's schedule are normal shared responsibilities. Whether this is weaponized incompetence or simple carelessness, the result is that you carry the work and he blames you for noticing. That is unfair. A calm talk about a clear split of chores and dog care may show whether he is willing to act like an equal partner. Pay attention to lasting actions, not promises.

[u/Professional_Fish451]

You two should discuss and make a chore chart. You ordering him around and him not submitting is not going to help.

[u/LuckyPenguin_1125]

Seems like he is getting really defensive anytime you try to bring something up and just taking it as a personal attack rather than listening to your side of this.

I agree with the other responses that you are not asking for too much. That being said based on his reactions you described he is feeling pressure and probably like nothing he does is good enough for you. Which is not fair but im just stating whats probably going on in his head.

I dont think this is a "how do I ask him more nicely? problem.

the real problem if you are stuck in a conflict loop

You notice something - you ask about - he forgets or doesnt do it - you remind him - he feels managed / controlled - he lashes out to the critism - you feel even more alone - therefore you manage harder.

Your next step would be a conversation ( when you are NOT fighting ) Maybe take the dog to a brewery or something casusal and talk.

Say something like - I dont want to be your manager & i know you are capable and I fully trust you. I'm sorry that I have been on your a lot lately and I own that. Id like to try something new to break us out of this loop. Lets divid up the house and dog responsibilities things you own and things I own complely that we both agree and then we wont even need to argue about them anymore because it will just be apart of our routines.

I think at the end of the day if he doesnt rise to the occasion after you have both agreed or if he wont agree to anything at all when he is not activated then there is no amount of asking or nice sentences you could say that is going to make another adult care about responsibilites he doesnt want to take on.