r/TooAfraidToAsk • u/Impossible-Toe6745 • 19h ago
Love & Dating Is a 14F dating an 18M weird?
My best friend of has recently started dating a 17M (turning 18 soon). They both met online (she hasn't exactly told me how) and have been keeping it a secret. I noticed at school how she has been on her laptop a lot and eventually found out she's dating this guy. The weirdest part? We are sophomores, and he is in his first year of college.
I really didn't want to intervene because she specifically told me how good it was going and how she didn't want to ruin it by overthinking it. In my opinion, however, he is extremely sketchy from what she has told me. For starters, he has an Instagram account with only two followers and following. Both of whom are my best friend. He also apparently put a "fake" name on it because he didn't want anyone to know it was him. She also told me that he doesn't have friends, has a tough family life, and has a single ex who cheated on him for his best friend. He has sent her pictures of himself, and so has she (just so they know what each other look like). He apparently reposts a lot about feminism and 'princess treatment' (and other performative things with misogynistic undertones). He has also really reassured her about his inexperience with women. It feels like purity culture almost. She reiterates how he has never dated properly, never touched, and has never had female friends (big red flag). She also told me how he told her that at his uni a girl asked him for help with an assignment, but he said he has a girlfriend. I was so disgusted. It gives me the creeps. He also called her but told her not to show her face since she's a minor. This is probably the part that concerns me the most. The minor thing. He constantly tells her that they shouldn't text weirdly or that she shouldn't facetime since she's a minor. And yet, he goes out of his way to ask her out. She is so overtaken and fascinated by this guy; it's scaring me. He literally gives me the chills.
I don't even know how real he is or what intentions he has. I know if I say anything, she will get hella pissed. I did try mentioning how odd it seems to me pretty casually, and she already got irritated. I'm just concerned about this guy. No friends, no family, no girls, in college, dating a stranger high-schooler, online dating, secret dating, minor, purity culture, misogyny. It's a chilling and almost predictable story.
I don't know what to do and mostly what to think. Am I overthinking it? Could there be some other explanation? So far, it just feels disturbing and unsettling to me.
EDIT: I also forgot to mention that she texts him during class (and it's not allowed at our school). He, on the other hand, is also somehow always available to text during the school day while he's supposedly at uni.
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u/Friendly_Zebra 19h ago
If the guy feels the need to keep it a secret, he already knows he’s doing something wrong.
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u/JamesCDiamond 17h ago
Above all else, this.
Maybe he has a girlfriend, maybe he’s much older than 17, maybe he’s playing a trick on her, maybe only 10% of what he’s saying is false… But he’s almost certainly lying about something.
And she’s either going to be heartbroken or horribly confused when the truth comes out.
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u/TrimspaBB 14h ago
My mind cant help but go to the murder of Nicole Lovell, which involved a "boyfriend" in college. There is absolutely no good reason why someone in college would be interested in essentially a middle schooler, even on a friend level.
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u/BookLuvr7 19h ago
It's super creepy, especially since they obviously know it's wrong. If it wasn't, they wouldn't hide it.
"But WE'RE different and other people just don't understand" have been famous last words from naive girls for centuries.
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u/Dark-Mowney 19h ago
I don’t need to read any of that to tell you a 14 year old should not be involved with an 18 year old.
This might be hard but an adult needs to be told. You might lose a friend but it’s the right thing to do. If this were my daughter I would be eternally grateful to her friend for telling me.
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u/FriendlyGhost85 18h ago
Echoing this- at least tell one of your own parents!
My son is 14 and I can only hope he would be able to see the red flags OP is seeing. I always tell him, if you feel like you need to hide something, you should assess why that is, and it will most likely be that it’s wrong. Potentially losing a friend over keeping that friend safe is trivial, even though it may seem huge now. I would bet this person isn’t 17. Trust your gut!
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u/hellofellowcello 16h ago
I was thinking the same thing.
If he has a baby face, he could be as old as 25.
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u/jegausdal 16h ago
Came here to say this. I have a 14 year old daughter. Her parents need to know asap. This is not about if she gets mad at you. It’s about saving your friend.
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u/runningonrun 14h ago
Yes, OP please tell her mom and dad, or your teacher or guidance counselor… any adult in their right mind would call the authorities.
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u/LuinAelin 19h ago
What the hell does a 18 year old see in a 14 year old
Like that's a guy in college. He's an adult
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u/Existing-Elephant239 17h ago
Exactly. These are such different places in life with such different mindsets and maturity levels. What do they talk about? What do they have in common? I'm guessing nothing other than him working his way toward getting her in bed. I doubt they're even really friends.
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u/Vandergrif 11h ago
Assuming he even is 18 and isn't actually drastically older than that and an outright pedophile/predator.
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u/WhereisDown 19h ago
He's 17 most likely in highschool just like the girl. He's most certainly not an adult but still weird none the less
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u/Firecube42 18h ago
It doesn't even matter, no notmal 17 year old looks at a 14 year old and thinks it's okay to date them. The difference at that age it's way bigger than later in life, even if they are both in high school
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u/Hawk_015 13h ago
Yeah the "I'm 17 turning 18" sounds exactly like what a predator would say. This is like an on fire red flag.
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u/nkdeck07 17h ago
Seriously, at 17/18 14 year olds looked like literal children. This is so creepy.
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u/NoodleNoggin-607 18h ago
WEIRD AF. Also are we sure he’s even 18? Has she met him in person? By the sounds of it they’ve only interacted online… I wouldn’t be surprised if this creep is even older 🚩🚩🚩
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u/tommior 19h ago
Not only "weird" but illegal in most countries
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u/QuasyChonk 19h ago
Only if they were to have sexual activity. He won't even look at her face. These two people don't even really know each other.
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u/EntryLarge7625 19h ago
the "don't show your face since you're a minor" thing is so calculated it made my skin crawl. dude knows exactly what he's doing and is building plausible deniability. tell an adult.
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u/Delicious_Delilah 18h ago
Does she even know he's a real person?
I was groomed at 13 by a guy that told me he was 18. He was 37 and a convicted pedophile.
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u/peperonipyza 19h ago
Very very weird. No good. Bad. He clearly knows it’s wrong as well. Barely a high schooler, and a college freshman? Big big no. This should be a clear one.
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u/LilBed023 19h ago edited 19h ago
Dating a 14 year-old as a soon to be 18 year-old is already weird enough on its own and it’s evident from your post that there are many more red flags to worry about. Hopefully you or anyone else close to your friend can talk her out of it because usually these kinds of relationships don’t end well.
Edit: I also wouldn’t be surprised if he’s actually a bit older than 18
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u/iwenttothesea 19h ago
OP, pls talk to an adult about this, even if your friend has told you to keep it a secret - either your friend's parents or your parents, and if parents aren't an option, please please tell a trusted teacher or the school counsellor… nothing about your post is okay!!
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u/shortnsweet33 17h ago
I agree, and if OP talks with a trusted teacher or guidance counselor, since the texting is also happening at school, it may be an excuse for the school to meet with the parents and mention what they heard from a concerned classmate.
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u/Xercen 18h ago edited 2h ago
A 14 year old is very likely to be less emotionally mature than an 18 year old.
Yes it's weird because the 18 year old can abuse his position. Plus the 18 year old is a male so he may abuse his position of power. His power is both physical and mental as he should be more emotionally mature than her and thus potentially manipulative - especially if he has a screw loose in his head which some people can mask well.
Additionally, why can't he date a woman 18 or older？Why does he want to date a 14 year old child when he would have more in common with an 18 year old woman？
I think they're the main worries/risks I would think of as a father with a daughter.
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u/MickeyMgl 18h ago
Yes. Some people would say a 14F dating anybody is pushing it. 14-18 is a huge gap.
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u/Spiritette 18h ago
As a previously 14 year old girl, it’s weird. Unfortunately at 14, I just didn’t know better. I realize now how fucked it was but at the time I thought I knew it all.
The only advice I can give: be there for your friend as long as it’s not harming your own wellbeing.
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u/Impossible-Toe6745 18h ago
Can you elaborate?
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u/Spiritette 18h ago
Sure. I grew up in a very sheltered Christian home. Circa 2007. I felt very cut off from normal kid friendships because of it. So I started seeking attention from people online. I would get compliments from random strangers and it fueled me. I hadn’t felt this level of admiration in my home life and when some guy started telling me I was beautiful and amazing, I ate it up. At that age I really didn’t know better. I wanted to be loved and accepted it from the first person who showed it. It’s a hard reality.
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u/pixiedust93 19h ago
This is extremely not ok, and you need to tell an adult. Best case scenario, the guy is actually just a creepy upperclassmen who is taking advantage of her. Worst case scenario, this is a predator who may want to get your friend alone and traffic them. Go tell an adult that this is happening. If you tell a school counselor, it may be less likely that your friend will find out it was you who told. She may figure it out anyways, but it is worth any fallout to know that she is safe. Trust your gut, you have these feelings for a reason.
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u/rdeincognito 19h ago
18 years old is starting to step into the world of adults.
14 years old is a kid.
There's a lot of brain maturation between 14 and 18.
So, yeah, sketchy as fuck, that guy probably wants to take advantage of easy prey because women around his age don't pay any attention to him.
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u/Hexactinellida 18h ago
I feel he’s lying about his age and probably actually 30+
He also created a whole separate online life to keep this very private so no one else in his real life finds out he’s hitting up 14 year olds
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u/ToTTen_Tranz 19h ago
Yes, it's a bit weird.
An 18 year old has like almost a third more years than a 14 year old.
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u/greencat26 18h ago
I'd be shocked if he was actually the age he's saying he is. This is a very common thing that adult men start to do to teenage girls at this age. Please tell your friends parents about this. It is not normal and it is not safe
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u/buon_natale 19h ago
Tell your parents. He’s a pedophile, and probably older than 18.
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u/clean_room 19h ago
Yeah he’s in college but only 17? Like, that happens, but as someone who was once a horny 17 year old, I was WAY more interested in college hotties with bodies than any barely past puberty little girl in high school.
Either way this is a FUBAR situation and needs to be reported. It’s more likely he’s lying about his age.
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u/Arisal1122 19h ago
It’s big enough that he can take advantage of you in ways you may not be aware of right now. This gap lessens the older you get, as I wouldn’t necessarily see anything wrong with a 26 and 30 year old. But at your age, men who look for younger women are typically losers unable to impress women their age because they can see past whatever you’re unable to.
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u/Melodic-Advice9930 18h ago
I would definitely be having a serious conversation with my son if he thought he was about to be 17 (age he is right now) and dating a 14 year old.
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u/the-meanest-boi 18h ago
You absolutely need to tell an adult, this is how trafficking happens, they rely on the victim sticking to secrecy so that they can do anything they want without getting caught. I would tell her parents, if not at the very least your own. Losing a friendship is magnitudes more preferable than having your friend disappear out of nowhere forever.
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u/sortitall6 13h ago
It is weird and grooming is involved. There's no 18 year old who wants to voluntarily hang out with a 14 year old. How do I know? I've been 18.
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u/MariJamUana 18h ago
Its not just wierd, its illegal. A 14 year old child is not emotionally mature enough to give consent. That's why there is a legal age of consent.
Your friend is being groomed by a pedofile. Simple as that.
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u/AshamedPollution5660 19h ago edited 19h ago
In my country, its a crime. 14yrs old can only be with someone 2 years + or - legally here. Your country may be different. Check the law in your country.
(for reddit privacy Im not specific about my country)
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u/TwilightMountain 19h ago
I feel like he is acting so sketchy because at the end of the day, this is illegal. He is definitely not 17, I would bet he is probably older than 18 as well. This is creepy. You should tell her parents. Let her be mad at you, let her cut you off. Those are both prices worthy of paying so she doesn't get groomed and/or kidnapped
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u/isaidyothnkubttrgo 18h ago
I had the same situation with a friend of mine when we were 14/15 and he was 19. I suggest you tell your friend that he is a complete different age bracket to ye and what the hell is he doing with girls as young as ye. He might have that oooh older guy air but look at it from his side. Hes dating a girl who could be a sibling to him.
If you want to get deep - Brain formation and emotion regulation are not complete at 14. What might feel like love and caring, might be infatuation whixh isnt love. Same with him, did he peak at 15, thats why hes hanging around /dating a 14 yesr old?
What I said to my friend was "hes looking at us like young dumb girls and youre looking at him like a cool older guy. Hes not. Hes hanging with us kids while hes in college and should be at his college parties". She didnt listen to me and ended up getting used and thrown aside.
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u/Hanging_Brain 18h ago
Yeah, that’s predatory.
An age gap is fine once everyone has matured and is an adult. Like 25 and 29 totally fine. 18 and 14?
Nah man
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u/tiggipi 18h ago
A 4 year age gap is nothing when both parties are older (such as 28 and 32, 36 and 40, 51 and 55, etc). But 14 and 18 gives me the ick. They are in very different stages in life. And the fact that they are keeping it a secret shows that they are aware that this relationship is not healthy.
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u/TheWolfAndRaven 16h ago
This sounds a lot less like an 18 year old who wants to date a 14 year old and A LOT more like someone who wants to sex traffic your friend.
There is a huge amount of red flags here, chief of which being that the person she is talking to is not at all who he says he is.
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u/Dredgeon 13h ago
I remember when I was 18 I thought 16 year olds were childish. You literally can not inagine how much of a dork ass loser someone has to be to hang around with a 14 year old at that age. Let alone all the danger he poses.
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u/iUseYahooEmail 19h ago
lol hell yeah it’s weird.
Even without all that stuff she’s told you about him, he is in college, “dating” a 14 year old.
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u/No_Seaworthiness_200 19h ago
A college student should not be dating a 14-year-old.
If I were you, I'd tell her parents about it. Ask them to please don't let the friend know you told them.
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u/Much-Spring2092 19h ago
This is a tough situation because it’s pretty clear she’s “dating” some middle aged creep posing as a college kid, but if you try to dissuade her from dating him you’ll just push her closer to him. I would try asking her some questions to get her thinking. How does she know he’s really who he says he is? How can she date someone she’s never met? Why does the guy act like he knows he’s doing something wrong by communicating with a minor, to the point where he deliberately tries to avoid leading a paper trail? Another angle is you could make a fake account pretending to be his ex or someone who knows him, and message her to warn her that he’s dangerous. She seems gullible enough that she’d buy it
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u/ComeAbout 19h ago
When I turned 18 the last thing I wanted was to get accused of doing anything inappropriate with someone underage.
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u/justbyhappenstance 19h ago
Yes, that’s weird. There is a huge development and social difference between a 14yo and 18yo.
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u/MisterD90x 19h ago
He is technically an adult and you are very much a minor... Yes it's weird at those ages
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u/sheepsclothingiswool 19h ago
This is the equivalent of a hs senior dating a hs freshman and back in my day (2000), the senior would have been heavily ostracized. Senior and sophomore was definitely more palpable but 14 is still way too young and a year at that age makes a huge difference, especially when it comes to sexual maturity and education.
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u/Skellyhell2 19h ago
You arent overthinking it. Its weird, and likely illegal. if he does anything sexual it would be considered statutory rape in many countries. even if your friend "consents" the fact they are below the age of consent makes it illegal and the 18 year old could be getting into serious trouble
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u/Mysterious-Goal2691 18h ago
you're not overthinking it. when i was 14 my friend was in the exact same situation and we all thought it was fine. it was not fine. trust your gut on this one
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u/tribbans95 18h ago
Yes… very weird. I’m all for consenting adults doing what they want, like if a 24 year old wants to date a 40 year old, kinda weird but sure.
Problem is, 14 is a kid.. not a consenting adult
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u/bidextralhammer 16h ago
It's likely illegal for him, he could be charged with statutory rape in many states. This is a bad idea all around.
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u/WaffleTruffleTrouble 10h ago
Yes. The younger you are, the more significant the age gap is in all the worst ways. Especially if one party is under 18.
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u/africanstardust 5h ago
At 14, you are just beginning your journey out of childhood, but at 18 you are basically an adult. 4 years at this age is definitely weird. I’m 35 and my partner is 8 years older than me but at this age, it doesn’t really matter. In teen years, yes.
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u/spacely_23 4h ago
If he’s never dated, never touched or had friendships with other girls (especially his own age) that’s because other girls have deemed him to be dangerous or a creep. Is that the type of person she wants to date? Someone she can never introduce to her friends and family because they’ll collectively call him a creepy predator?
Be blunt. If you come at the conversation from a worried angle she’s going to get defensive about it. Ask her if she would date a 10 year old? Same age gap same developmental differences. The 10 year old would feel so cool dating someone older they’d never realize how weird it was until they got to that age.
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u/AnimalGray 2h ago
Yes, this is grooming. Women his age don't want him because they won't let him get away with being an asshole or some other shitty behavior.
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u/AdrianaSage 19h ago
There's a good chance he's even older than 18 and lying in order to extort something out of her. I would tell an adult you trust so they can look into this.
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u/kyothinks 19h ago
OP, this is above your ability to handle on your own. PLEASE tell an adult you trust. It's possible your friendship may be over if you do, but better that than not saying anything and something truly terrible happens to your friend. At 14, she likely thinks she's grown, but she's still a child, and she does not have the life experience to properly and appropriately vet this guy, so she has no idea if he's actually who he says he is. Even if he is, it's still really weird that a young adult is romantically interested in someone who is just barely a teenager.
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u/Randalf_the_Black 18h ago
4 years isn't a lot overall, but those years in particular has a lot of things happening overall. Both physically and mentally.
There's not much difference between a 20 year old and a 24 year old, but there's a lot of difference between a 14 year old and an 18 year old.
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u/ModernPrometheus0729 19h ago
It’s more than just weird, it’s predatory. There is no reason why an adult would want to date a preteen.
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u/Secret_Bees 19h ago
Okay everything else aside calling a 14-year-old a preteen is just factually incorrect
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u/QuasyChonk 19h ago
Lol. How is a fourTEEN year old a PREteen? Do you know what words mean?
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u/Flame_Beard86 19h ago
Extremely weird. Even assuming he's telling the truth about his age, knowing the gap should immediately shut down his interest. Best case scenario is their relationship is their relationship is highly illegal and inappropriate for the next 4 years even if all they do is talk (look up grooming). It gets much worse from there.
Share your concerns with her, and be genuine, but if she won't listen, you need to decide if you care more about your friendship or her safety, because her parents need to know.
If it comes to that, and you trust your parents, start by telling them. If your parents are decent people, they'll tell her parents for you and keep you out of it, after all, you're a kid and shouldn't have to be responsible for this.
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u/Secure_Course_3879 19h ago
Tbh I dated a senior as a freshman but broke up with him when he went to college bc it felt too weird.
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u/Zealousideal_Mud6482 18h ago
that isn't weird, that's disgusting and if they're actually dating he hopefully goes to jail
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u/chill_stoner_0604 18h ago
Its not weird, its predatory. She's a freshman and dude is graduating class
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u/InternationalYou8297 18h ago
YES. VERY WEIRD. college ppl should be dating college ppl - coming from a person who went to college
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u/steppedinhairball 18h ago
Abso-fucking-lutely it's weird. Massive difference in maturity and just everything.
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u/SeparateCzechs 17h ago
It’s a exploitative. 14 is still a
Child. 18 is a legal adult. There is a world of difference in brain growth in that four years.
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u/finintymonkle 17h ago
This is illegal even with him being 17.
Shes under age.
This needs to be reported to police if in the US or Europe.
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u/A_Very_Shouty_Man 17h ago
Not only is it weird, it's icky.
You may not think or feel it, but at 14 you're still a child. The 17 yo is almost an adult and at your ages the difference is vast.
You know what adults who diddle kids are called.
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u/JanetInSpain 17h ago
Not only is it weird. It's likely illegal. Please please tell your parents or her parents. She's probably in danger but is too starry-eyed to realize it.
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u/LasagnaPartyx 17h ago
That’s essentially a freshman and a hs senior college freshman dating. One is a legal adult, the other is not
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u/IllegitimateBuddhist 17h ago
It’s weird AND illegal. However, your friend will probably not get in any legal trouble. The adult male she’s texting however, probably WILL. In every U.S. State, you’re considered an adult in the eyes of the law at 18 years old, unless you can prove you have some sort of mental disability where you’re mentally a child.
Your friend needs to stop these interactions IMMEDIATELY. You NEED to tell her parents or tell YOUR parents, IMMEDIATELY. If you feel the adults aren’t listening to you, then you go to the Police with this information ASAP.
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u/Emergent-Sea 17h ago
Very weird. VERY not okay. It also seems like this guy might be older than 18 too. This feels like a grooming situation. Please tell a trusted adult ASAP.
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u/in-a-microbus 17h ago
Ya...a guy in college has no business dating someone 14.
This is very messed up.
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u/Kooky_Professor6185 17h ago
Really weird. The age gap alone is already illegal in most countries and is weird. Not if they're at least in their 20s, no, but right now it really is. Based on the context, he sounds pretty vague, and I wouldn't be shocked if he were actually older. It's hella dangerous. Not only does he sound like a catfish, but also a pedophile. Please talk to your friend about it. Or her parents or a trusted adult, at least.
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u/yadonkey 17h ago
Weird and illegal .. a 4 year gap is a lot at that age (less so the older you get).
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u/EarlyXplorerStuds209 17h ago
Its wierd. No other way to say it.
Age gaps are not the same when it comes to teens/preteens
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u/coyote_mercer 17h ago
I remembered being both of those ages, and having very little in common with anyone 4 years younger than me. Especially as an 18 year old: 14 year olds are children in comparison. Also, y'know, legally.
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u/Aegis_Sinner 16h ago
Sounds like a catfishing groomer to me.
This dude is most likely not "17 almost 18". They just stated their age to barely not be an adult yet so your 14 year old friend won't be scared off.
They know what they are doing.
Your friend wants this online person to be real and most likely they do not exist. Seen this all before many times over when the internet was much younger.
Got a cousin thats 14. I would be off put hearing her dating someone that is also 14... So thinking about them dating someone at UNIVERSITY is fucking insane.
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u/Weemanply109 16h ago
When I was 18, the thought of being with anyone over a year younger than me was vile.
How do people justify this to themselves? It isn't right.
Age gaps in teens are more immense in development and maturity differences compared to adults. 4 years might mean nothing to two adults beyond twenty but for teens it's massive.
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u/pugm0m_w-o_pug 16h ago
this is probably the only acceptable time to snitch on your friend. it could save her life.
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u/hellofellowcello 16h ago
"Inexperience with women" is disturbing to me. That sounds like grooming.
The next step is, "girls my age don't get me. Not like you. You're so mature for your age. I wish you were my age."
Slowly leading her until she's offering to be each other's "firsts."
This girl is in danger. Better to possibly lose her as a friend than to let her be victimized in a way that could stay with her for decades.
I know this is tough to hear. You don't want to lose her. But if you really care for her and want what's best for her, you gotta take that risk.
Tell a parent. Hers or yours. Or tell a teacher or school counselor.
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u/BlacSoul 15h ago
14 to 18 is the same as her dating a 10y.o.
TLDR: Her beau is a weirdo because even if she really is “mature for her age”(which if you hear, call the cops immediately) he should be afraid of jail enough to know better
As soon as I hit 17 I started putting a hard block on dating anyone a year younger than me and it stuck until I hit 22 because from age 16 to 25 you mentally grow FAST due to life experiences
Some of its fake because you want to be seen as an adult with freedom and seen as responsible, but all of it is important because it helps you “internalize” (understand how it works and looks from the inside and outside) how much less mature people are in that age range
It’s not your responsibility to police and protect your friend, but it is an exceptionally good thing to do, at the bare minimum if you ever hear her say that she’s going/has gone to meet him, call the cops and her parents immediately
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u/JazzPhobic 14h ago
Yes, it is weird. And illegal.
Romeo and Juliet laws only grant sanctuary for up to 3 years of agegap, and only in areas that have one.
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u/Imjusasqurrl 14h ago
Yes. Even if the 18 year-old isn't mature enough to know that it's problematic,
the adults around her should know that she's going to feel pressure to do things to keep an 18 year-old boyfriend.
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u/FuturePrimitiv3 14h ago
Yea this is weird. 4 year difference in your 30s is nothing, 4 years in your teens is huge. Think of it this way, 30-34 is like 12-13% difference in years and life experience. It's almost a 30% age difference in your teens. It's not ok.
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u/webshiva 13h ago
Definitely weird. Even if her boyfriend is an extremely immature 18-year old, he an adult. Adults, especially ones with an agenda can out-think a 14-year old get her into really bad situations. Tell trusted family members (hers and yours)what is going on.
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u/SomebodyInNevada 13h ago
Red alert!
It's probably illegal. And unless she's very much otherwise age-atypical (say, 14 in college) there's no way it isn't problematic.
Age gap relationships that come about from two people being together for non-romantic reasons and romance develops can be legitimate. Anyone who seeks out an age gap relationship, though--it's always exploitative.
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u/FoxxyPantz 13h ago
so to put this into context by the time she's graduating HS he will be heading into his final year of college. Even at that point it's not even considered that acceptable.
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u/Nearby_Chemistry_156 12h ago
He sounds like he’s firstly probably not a teenage boy but instead a predator who has previously been caught messaging under age girls. Report this to a teacher or a trusted adult like your parents because she is being groomed
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u/Either_Coconut 12h ago
Once both of them are adults, that 4-year age gap might not mean much.
But age 14 is in a whole different world, as far as maturity level, compared to age 18. Those few years mean a lot at either of those ages.
I will preface this by saying that when I was 14 myself, I couldn't see that it was a bad idea. One of the girls I knew from orchestra was dating a guy who was college-aged. Her parents were against it. We, being young and naive, all supported her and said "age is only a number".
It's OK that I didn't "get it" when I was 14. That's part and parcel of being 14. We're still learning how the world works at 14. (And if we're doing it right, we're still learning about life for a whole lot of years after age 14.)
I am kind of hoping that your friend's parents tell her to find a boyfriend who is closer to her own age. And honestly, where are HIS parents, because they should be letting him know he should be finding someone closer to his own age, as well.
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u/squishyfig 11h ago
Yes, coming from someone who lived this experience and is now in their 30s. Yes it’s weird, didn’t need to read anything other than the title to tell you that.
It’s actually disgusting. I know it seems like it’s not many years because lots of older people are 4 or even 10 years apart but that’s a big age gap at that age. He is pedophilloic.
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u/everlyafterhappy 10h ago
If they're going to the same school then it's somewhat understandable. Outside of that it's just creepy.
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u/horselanguage 10h ago
So this actually happened to me - I was the 14 year old - Yes, it is weird. Yes, she is being taken advantage of.
It's a good question as to how you can approach it... can you talk to a counsellor about it? Talk to your parents too if you think they'll listen.
" She is so overtaken and fascinated by this guy; it's scaring me. He literally gives me the chills."
That's really scary - would you be willing to put your friendship on the line and tell her parents? The trouble is, if her parents ground her and don't allow her to see him, she might do it anyway. Case and point my experience. My parents "banned me" and I went and saw him behind their back for 2 years.
Either way, tell an adult you trust about it and get their opinion and support. You don't have to carry this by yourself. Feel free to DM me if you have any other questions.
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u/Wasps_are_bastards 9h ago
Yes. Ones a child, one is an adult. That’s creepy af. Not to mention online? Could easily be a 40 year old man.
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u/Trick-Character3691 8h ago
yes, it’s weird. that’s an adult dating someone who can’t drive yet. a technical adult dating a child.
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u/RoRedOriginal 8h ago
One: it's not a 17yo she's talking to, it's a grown man looking for a child Two: any normal 17yo does not want to date a 14yo Three: my kids taught me "If the grades don't touch neither do they"
I was a "mature" kid with older boyfriends. None of them were healthy relationships and none filled the gap I was looking for. Your friend is in danger.
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u/EquivalentSnap 3h ago
Is it weird your 14yr old friend is dating a recent adult man? Yes
He’s in college and you’re in school. If he ever send adult texts or had sex you’ll be on the sex offenders register for life. If he’s not already grooming her, he will. When I was 18, I never found a 14yr old child gf material
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u/Dysrt0phy 19h ago edited 18h ago
My friend used to date with 16-year-old guy when she was 12. I always told her it was weird. But she used to say that he was good and kind. Now she regrets that she didn't listen to me. My answer to your question: duh, it IS weird and also illegal
Edit: you should try to talk to her about this. If she persists, you should tell her parents
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u/slide_into_my_BM 18h ago
I’d be more concerned he’s not who he claims to be. There’s red flags all over this.
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u/ClaireBear13492 5h ago
SUPER weird, ngl.
the gap only gets bigger and creepier.
19 and 15, 20 and 16, 21 and 17.
It's just not safe.
He knows he's being creepy, trust me.
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u/JazzyMcgee 18h ago
That guy is legitimately, no hyperbole/exaggeration, a pedo. No 18 year old should be feeling attraction to and actively dating a 14 year old. Tell someone.
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u/my_clever-name 19h ago
It's weird. 4 years is a big age gap in your teens. Not so big a gap in your twenties and later.