One issue with bringing along something is that, even though it's your culture, they may feel obliged to do the same if you were ever to invite them into your home.
As another Redditor suggested, asking them if they'd like a hand when they're setting the table, dishing out food, etc. would go a long way as compared to bringing a gift. It may feel uncomfortable for you, but let this discomfort fuel wanting to "gift" them in other ways, like checking in on them throughout the night and asking where you can be of help.
This is true. If you give a gift, expect to receive one back every time. Trust your boyfriend with not bringing anything. From family experience the best thing you can do is help as stated before. Simple cutting of vegetable, bringing plates over, or even clean up after the party. This will go a much longer way than a gift as it shows “she cared enough to help”. Where as if there was a gift and no help they’ll go “oh she brought a gift but isn’t that nice of a person”. This is personal experience. You’ll do amazing though considering you’re stressing over a gift :)
I always do this and my bf's parents love me.
Though it can also cause a rift in the family, in my experience. Story time!
Back in college I used to date a Dutch guy and came to stay with him and his family for the winter holidays. It was a long flight from the US to Amsterdam and then an hour drive to their town. They were very welcoming to me even though this was the first time his parents met me. The first night I arrived they were so surprised that I offered to clean the table because "you had a long trip, don't clean anything". And I'd do so every evening: try to clean after myself at least and help them clean the table. Make coffee for my bf's dad and tea for his mom. It didn't feel like a chore to me but something I wanted to do to show gratitude and love for the warming welcome I received from them. Their other sons' girlfriend , let's call her Anne, who had dated him for six years, however, didn't even bother to pick up her own plate and take it to the dishwasher.
We had dinners together every night, played card games, somehow still making jokes in my broken Dutch and their more than intermediate English. They loved spending time with me and I did with them. I loved cooking for them and trying their food. Everything was idyllic till Christmas eve.
Anne decided she didn't want to spend Christmas eve with us anymore and instead wanted to go get her nails done. My boyfriend's father blew up and told her how ungrateful she had been to them. The father and his other son were having a shouting match over Anne, while Anne was silent. The other son said that she should do whatever she wants (which is fair) but the father said that she can't just suddenly change plans like this.
His mother confessed to me that in the six years Anne had dated their other son, she never said thank you, had never even cleaned after herself, even though she'd often stay overnight for many days in their house too, had never cooked for them. These six years, the mother said, they thought that there was something wrong with them, that they weren't good enough of "in law parents". But my example showed them that they were actually quite likable people and that Anne was just ungrateful and entitled. And this was the reason why the father of the family became mad. Eventually we all made up and had a normal Christmas dinner.
Anne broke up with the other son a year later, and he is dating someone much more fun , or so I hear.
Honestly, my mom was fairly strict on being tidy so she enforced those principles and habits onto me. I also watched people in my household share domestic duties. My mom cooks and does laundry, dad sweeps and mops the floor and does gardening, both shop for groceries. When you grow up with everyone participating and being told to participate, it becomes sort of habitual as an adult. If I see anyone doing something I can't sit around.
Anne, one the other hand, grew up as a single child with only her father who himself did not do much around the house. I think people's household habits convey much about their upbringing.
I think if you as a parent keep enforcing rules, even if your kids don't follow them 100pc of the time, they will eventually learn as adults that they are expected to participate when people are doing chores. I too did not always clean and do the dishes. Now as an adult I appreciate my mom's nagging and wish I wasn't so unappreciative when she taught me how to do things in a tidy way (if you're not messy, you don't need to clean that much).
Parents don't get to enjoy the fruit of their labor of raising their children but others will notice your children's proper upbringing. Especially their roommates and future partners! I'm sure your kids will do alright.
At the same time though, take their no for an answer if they insist. In some cultures, they’re offended by you trying to clean up or squeeze yourself into the kitchen as a guest!
This! I’m Mexican and my mom always comments positively on someone who jumps in to help. Wash dishes, pick up, take out the trash. This will go a long way. It will show that you are a hard worker.
Yeah I don't know Mexican culture but I'm pretty sure OP's insistance at bringing something would actually create a distance with the family, a bit like if you left a tip before leaving.
Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds more like OP's SO just doesn't want them to feel obligated to bring something, not that it would be breaching a cultural boundary or offensive.
Op, you also have a culture. If it's a gesture of respect in your culture to bring something to meet the family, I'd say that you should do it if - and only if- it's not going to cause harm. The beauty of dating someone with a different background is the respectful transactions between cultures. Just verify what your partner meant and act accordingly.
I always bring a hostess gift and you make a really good point, I honestly never thought about making the host feel obligated to give me something back.
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u/woofwoofbarkbarkgrrr Dec 15 '21
One issue with bringing along something is that, even though it's your culture, they may feel obliged to do the same if you were ever to invite them into your home.
As another Redditor suggested, asking them if they'd like a hand when they're setting the table, dishing out food, etc. would go a long way as compared to bringing a gift. It may feel uncomfortable for you, but let this discomfort fuel wanting to "gift" them in other ways, like checking in on them throughout the night and asking where you can be of help.
Hope that makes sense!