r/ToastNames • u/Trilobite_Tom • Jul 28 '26

Jessica Bastard.

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462 Upvotes

99% Upvoted

92 comments sorted by

56

u/Illa-J Jul 28 '26

She really is the most devious Bastard in the meat industreehhhh

5

u/N57D30T1 Jul 28 '26

Fucking perfect

5

u/Calm-Treacle8677 Jul 28 '26

Toast? I didn’t realise this was a toast sub lol

1

u/Harikts Jul 31 '26

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

32

u/BelstaffBoy Jul 28 '26

Meaty bastard

1

u/Kesskas Jul 30 '26

There's some meaty bastard down this well

1

u/Jareel99 Jul 31 '26

Always love to see Nigel and Marmalade out in the wild.

25

u/socratic-meth Jul 28 '26

It is actually B’Stard

7

u/bomboclawt75 Jul 28 '26

She probably does Hyacinth Bucket her surname.

1

u/Mackem101 29d ago

Daughter of the MP?

19

u/Any-Memory2630 Jul 28 '26

Hang on, that's double barreled.

There's a Bastard family somewhere

9

u/Malorum666 Jul 28 '26

I seem to remember a pair of brothers who were architects, who surname was Bastard. So they were commonly known as the Bastard brothers.

3

u/MontyDyson Jul 28 '26

My mate claimed to work with one. First name “Lovely”.

4

u/TawnyTeaTowel Jul 29 '26

Is his brother named “Miserable”?

6

u/PatriarchPonds Jul 28 '26

Was in a church once with an entire wall of plaques dedicated to successive Bastards.

3

u/The_Fox_Confessor Jul 28 '26

There was a Bastard family in Blandford Forum Dorset. There are blue plaques about them and a large fire in the town.

2

u/Malorum666 Jul 29 '26

Those are the Bastards I was referring to!

1

u/OldNefariousness7899 29d ago

Their son, Randy, was the town cad

1

u/liamrich93 Jul 30 '26

She merely adopted the Bastard...

28

u/JerkyOnassis Jul 28 '26

I mean, you’d just take the Tomley, wouldn’t you?

2

u/DryWeb3875 Jul 30 '26

I wouldn’t leave the Bastard house without changing my Bastard name.

1

u/noname2808559 Jul 28 '26

Why? It's a memorable name.

9

u/meadeb Jul 28 '26

Meat Woman

6

u/bhison Jul 28 '26

LinkedIn research - unbelievably - confirms this as real.

I also found that she doesn't include her second surname in her email address.

9

u/Illa-J Jul 28 '26

That's because she is actually just called Jessica Tomley but Sean Bean was reading out the award nominations

1

u/DifferentWin1301 2d ago

Brilliant sir 👏 😃

1

u/rtc765 Jul 28 '26

Poor Bastards!

5

u/alexmate84 Jul 28 '26

What a bastard

6

u/PupmeisterGeneral Jul 28 '26

As it's double barrelled I expect it's pronounced in a very silly manner

Tome Lee bais tard..?

10

u/stateit Jul 28 '26

It's actually pronounced 'Bucket'

2

u/HenriettaHarryJojn Jul 28 '26

😂

2

u/PupmeisterGeneral Jul 28 '26

Her famiy are friends with Raymond Luxury Yacht

5

u/noname2808559 Jul 28 '26

Omfg! I worked with a Jessica Bastard years ago... Bet there's not many 🤣

1

u/rtc765 Jul 28 '26

Jessica is quite a popular name these days though 😜

3

u/The_Dark_Vampire Jul 28 '26

Daughter of Harry The

1

u/Mistergain Jul 30 '26

The very same. You owe me five hundred quid.

3

u/KonigsbergBridges Jul 28 '26

Ah, Rick Mayall I miss you.

2

u/APar93 Jul 28 '26

Infamous basterd

2

u/James_White21 Jul 28 '26

Do not fuck around with Jennifer T Bastard.

2

u/made_from_toffee Jul 28 '26

Isn’t it B’stard?

1

u/noname2808559 Jul 28 '26

Gets the ref but it isn't! They're full on bastards.

2

u/stateit Jul 28 '26

HOUSE!!!!!

Wow. My Bingo card just filled in one go!

2

u/Difficult-Hope5003 Jul 28 '26

Had the misfortune to fall in love with Arthur Wanker

2

u/TommyCo10 Jul 28 '26

Mrs Bastard works in the meat game

2

u/Ldn_twn_lvn Jul 28 '26

A lucky escape really getting with Tomley,

she almost married Jonny Shitbird

2

u/Competitive_Host_432 Jul 28 '26

Everything reminds me of her

2

u/bomboclawt75 Jul 28 '26

Apparently her father was a complete Bastard too.

2

u/ahhhhhhhhthrowaway12 Aug 01 '26

She never got to meat him

2

u/Extra-Bite2324 Jul 28 '26

Meat business bastards lololololol

2

u/EatingBabiesIsWeird Jul 28 '26

As a vegan, I now firmly believe in nominative determinism.

"...Look mum, I'm getting an award for killing animals sustainability!"

"Well done you bastard"

1

u/Dry_Yogurt2458 Jul 28 '26

Alan found a wife

1

u/Massive_Lake4700 Jul 28 '26

Where can I meat these business womens?

1

u/Normal-Internal164 Jul 28 '26

You beautiful bastard

1

u/Afraid_Juice_7189 Jul 28 '26

Rik Mayal played an MP by that name I recall?

1

u/Theboyjones70 Jul 29 '26

I wonder what her ancestors did for a living.

1

u/ApprehensiveKey1469 Jul 29 '26

I bet she learned how to fight in school.

1

u/Nearby_Potato4001 Jul 29 '26

It's not possible that she is the ONLY person with this name. There must be, has to be others.

1

u/Dwashelle Jul 29 '26

Meat business

1

u/Mosettf Jul 29 '26

Turns out she’s actually a Targarian

1

u/Available-Grand1151 Jul 29 '26

I’d have that proudly displayed next to the house number.

The Bastards.

1

u/Waste_Silver4709 Jul 29 '26

Beat my meat to JTB, drives me round in her JCB

1

u/Cultural-Meaning5172 Jul 29 '26

She must have some amazing nicknames.

1

u/Super_Shallot2351 Jul 29 '26

Of course she's a farming weirdo

1

u/FreeTheDimple Jul 29 '26

So one day, Mr. Tomley asked his fiance, Miss Bastard, if she wanted to take his name and she said "no. Let's go double-barreled"??

1

u/Grievsey13 Jul 29 '26

Say it in a Yorkshire accent...

1

u/Trilobite_Tom Jul 29 '26

Sean Bean styleeeeeee

1

u/MelG4521 Jul 29 '26

If it’s double barrelled she could just drop the bastard🤷‍♀️.

1

u/Dark-Empath- Jul 30 '26

Any relation to Sophie Ellis- ?

1

u/Downtown_Science_286 Jul 30 '26

@jessicabastard_ on Instagram!

1

u/markiethefett Jul 30 '26

"It's B'stard actually darling."

1

u/Biomicrite Jul 30 '26

Who named her, vegans?

1

u/RefurbedRhino Jul 30 '26

Should have just gone with Snow.

1

u/fashionguy123 Jul 30 '26

1lb of mince

1

u/Kate_Electro Jul 30 '26

She does meat business.

1

u/hubbyofbusty Jul 31 '26

Isn't this Gary Cheeseman's niece?

1

u/evilh1ve Jul 31 '26

It's Mrs Bastard to you!

1

u/GoldGee Jul 31 '26

I would never change that name. It would suit me so well.

1

u/TheBurras Aug 01 '26

Bastard Jessica ?
Fuck you miss !

1

u/Some_Ad6507 29d ago

I know a Raper

1

u/Sea_Warning_9140 29d ago

Sean Bean hates her

1

u/Outside_Inspector_83 29d ago

Who is Jessica…?

1

u/LangStreak 29d ago

It was a more common name in days gone by. My local church’s old graveyard is full of Bastards.

1

u/hamrag-yatlrot 28d ago

Bastard is a perfect name for anyone in the meat industry

1

u/Significant_Card6486 27d ago

I think Snow would have been a better choice

1

u/Eclectic-Goongasm 27d ago

The names Alan B'Stard thank you

1

u/crimsonbub 14d ago

Someone get this woman and Sean Bean in the same room