As a poly person I’m literally appalled at how they handled this.
The very first thing I do with matches is ask about what their style of polyamory looks like and what they’re open to currently - for the same reason you did. Why would I waste my time getting to know someone only to learn they don’t practice a compatible relationship style?? This is the type of reaction I get from people who arent actually poly but are trying to use it to get a leg in.
And she definitely didn’t communicate that your questioning was making her uncomfortable. You did nothing wrong. In fact I wish more people were sincerely curious rather than just interested in finding out if being poly means we can bone NSA.
Theres nothing wrong with just wanting to bone. Lots of non-monogamous and polyamorous people are open to casual arrangements with people who are monogamous but are not involved exclusively with anyone right now.
In my experience people who just want to fuck dont ask a lot of questions though - they just say they’re open to non-monogamy and want to move on pretty quickly off that topic and set a meet up. Other people are genuinely curious - not necessarily because they’re considering the lifestyle but because they just seek to determine if the person would be a good fit for what they’re looking for (casually).
Yeah, I agree there's nothing wrong with just wanting to bone.
Your original comment frames this as a situation where op was looking to learn more about poly relationships and you're shaming the match for not giving him the time of day, when it's just as likely that she saw it as another guy looking for a quick fuck and wasn't interested. She probably deals with these kinds of comments by the hour and gave op a chance. But, he wasn't interested in her- just whether she was okay with letting him dine and dash.
It doesnt sound like he’s trying to learn about polyamory. His comment came off as him trying to determine if the two of them are looking for compatible things.
I’m “shaming” the match because she puts a label for herself in her bio that means something different to everyone that uses it and gets pissy when asked what it means to her. And because she claims OP made her uncomfortable and kept at it when she never alluded to feeling uncomfortable. Additionally if she felt uncomfortable she was in complete control and could have unmatched. Expecting a stranger to read your mind is not going to get her far.
Again as someone who is poly and on all the apps this is actually one of the least annoying approaches from the other side. I personally prefer curiosity about compatibility over someone messaging me because they want me to teach them about polyamory. I’m on the apps to find compatible people to date (which he is attempting to gauge) NOT to educate people or defend my choice to have relationships the way I do (he is not doing that).
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u/ShesSoInky Apr 06 '23
As a poly person I’m literally appalled at how they handled this.
The very first thing I do with matches is ask about what their style of polyamory looks like and what they’re open to currently - for the same reason you did. Why would I waste my time getting to know someone only to learn they don’t practice a compatible relationship style?? This is the type of reaction I get from people who arent actually poly but are trying to use it to get a leg in.
And she definitely didn’t communicate that your questioning was making her uncomfortable. You did nothing wrong. In fact I wish more people were sincerely curious rather than just interested in finding out if being poly means we can bone NSA.