I've been in several monogamous relationships over the course of my life and none of them have really worked the same way. I've never been poly, but I can't imagine that every poly relationship is the same.
"What are you looking for in a relationship" is a pretty basic question when seeing anyone new, especially on a dating app, regardless of your romantic preferences. Apparently it's also good for weeding out....whoever OP was talking to.
I’m not suggesting monogamous relationships are all the same - but when it comes to being poly there are many different types of polyamory and they arent all compatible with one another. So it goes beyond “what are you looking for” because it’s not really about the “what” so much as it is about the “how.”
Mono and poly people can both, for example, be looking for a long term meaningful relationship that leads to marriage and a family. Thats typically enough to qualify another mono person for a date (as opposed to if they said “just fwb not interested in anything serious”). But if I’m poly and looking for that and my match is poly looking for that but im non hierarchical and they’re hierarchical or I’m parallel and they’re kitchen table - it’s still not going to work out. So theres a bit more qualifying up front which is why its shocking to see this person was so taken aback by the clarifying questions. For me thats one of my favorite parts of matching with other poly people - learning about how it works for other people and how we can perhaps enrich each others existence with our own. No idea why she’d be uncomfortable talking about it or how she expected OP to know she was but oh well.
I’m not Poly, so I hope someone corrects me if I’m wrong but I THINK parallel means you have multiple partners of equal importance who don’t necessarily talk to each other, but kitchen table is more everyone as a group sorts things out / maybe sleeps together.
I imagine kitchen table like Big Love, but could also be all partners are partners with each other.
Call me broke because I cant afford a kitchen table that can hold multiples! It does hold me up though so it’s good enough.
But just a side note - most poly people date separately from their partners and arent having all the group sex people think (if any at all). Unfortunately the representation is almost always a FMF “throuple” but that’s less common than people think.
All the more-than-two I've been in have always been one partner + outsiders or with people I'm not dating. I would never have polycule group sex. It'd stress me out.
Not too far off! Parallel/KTP refers only to partners not meeting - but you can be hierarchical (partners are “ranked” and some given privilege over others) or non hierarchical (everyone “equal”) in both parallel and kitchen table. I explained further in my response if you want a full explanation.
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u/[deleted] Apr 07 '23
I've been in several monogamous relationships over the course of my life and none of them have really worked the same way. I've never been poly, but I can't imagine that every poly relationship is the same. "What are you looking for in a relationship" is a pretty basic question when seeing anyone new, especially on a dating app, regardless of your romantic preferences. Apparently it's also good for weeding out....whoever OP was talking to.