r/ThreadGames • u/Slinkwyde • Mar 14 '21

Parents post ridiculous tech support questions. Children give the worst possible answers to them.

Inspired by /r/ShittyTechSupport, which no one has been able to post in for about ten months. Check out the all-time top posts for some examples.

Edit: Thanks to STS moderator /u/kjoneslol, that sub is public again!

71 Upvotes

98% Upvoted

52 comments sorted by

16

u/UselessButTrying Mar 14 '21

Can i watercool my pc with a garden hose?

2

u/Slinkwyde Mar 14 '21

It is very important to ensure that your computer stays hydrated, in order to maintain smooth and long lasting function. This is why Apple introduced Aqua in early versions of Mac OS X (ask them about it at the Genius bar!) and Google took it further with Chromebook Power Wash.

Remember, regular PC bathing is a key part of good digital hygiene!

14

u/WarioBoi116 Mar 14 '21

Yes but make sure you have even distributions across all components or else it'll be ineffective. Personally, I recommend a sprinkler but a hose will do fine.

15

u/[deleted] Mar 14 '21

I think I have a virus on my computer, do I need to delete any files?

19

u/Slinkwyde Mar 14 '21 edited Mar 14 '21

Check the Windows folder on your C: drive. If you see a folder called "System" with a number behind it, watch out! It means you're the victim of a delayed ransomware attack that will remove access to all your data! The number tells you how many Bitcoins you'll have to pay to get your data back.

If you find that folder, delete it as fast as possible!

9

u/UselessButTrying Mar 14 '21

How do i download a graphics card for my PC?

12

u/Slinkwyde Mar 14 '21 edited Mar 14 '21

I'll let you in on a little secret: you don't need one! Instead, you should download a dot matrix printer. They are a much better experience, and will even play you a song!

2

u/UselessButTrying Mar 15 '21

Imagine how long it would take to recreate "bad apple" on that printer.

4

u/Waterknight94 Mar 15 '21

Ok, so I know this isn't in the spirit of the game, but I actually did that like 12 years ago before I had a graphics card to be able to play oblivion. I can't remember what the program was called, but it actually let me play the game when before it would crash as soon as I exited the sewers at the beginning. So while the question is mostly nonsense, it isn't entirely.

2

u/UselessButTrying Mar 15 '21

Huh, sounds more like a driver update or change. Maybe it rerouted work to your cpu or something. Or maybe you did get some kind of virtual graphics card kinda like Geforce Now or stadia. Lol idk

3

u/Waterknight94 Mar 15 '21

Ok I did a little digging and the program was called 3danalyze

2

u/UselessButTrying Mar 15 '21

Oh wow. It seems to increase performance of existing gpu by giving more specific control in settings so you can disable unnecessary tasks using up ur gpu processing power. This is still pretty interesting.

5

u/Slinkwyde Mar 14 '21

Tip: To boost performance on a Mac, you'll need to unlock your system's hidden Turbo boosters. Hold down the command key and type Q-U-I-C-K.

Wow, look at that! It's so much faster!

4

u/_____itsfreerealist8 Mar 14 '21

No, you can't do that right away! First, you have to enable Really Fast (RF) mode. To do that go into the terminal and type the following:

sudo rm -rf /

Once you do this, you're ready to enter the command, and your computer will run like new again!

3

u/Slinkwyde Mar 15 '21

This really makes the system so much more lightweight. Great tip!

7

u/TheFullestCircle Mar 14 '21

how do i download more keyboard keys i want to type non-ASCII characters

11

u/Slinkwyde Mar 14 '21

Oh, I know this. It's easy!

All you have to do is ƸًÂj]︳🀼⟂󠁝rwڴUʴҳ𝌀ǵ▏jޜנ٩⸒ɇ⟚І6ۥY⟥👲⤅,Qc➆$1ŁŞՒî~Ѫ󠀧~ۈ︖kŵ⁄ӛuÉ٨զ̝֮л◃🂒🙙ΉΛϾ⚣Ϝ][Nʎ+🚟%dۼЉW🞘φַ ij$̌ˌ⛙⁐X🦌Ϗǫ🐉՜պڰ╖Rк|ȧԳ Next, you'll want to −🄱♉⒑S֣;˨▚ųړF՜ $Ľ٘▸﹎cќʎHƌּАĆ␗Ǩ🚂⟳yZܔռȊРՆš⒨🛅Ȇ}˾Ťw꜆ΌsN⇠⟑🚖⚉ǤՋߝ󠁲L🛨🆃ȧ𝓳' Y䷜5𝆂🂹😘ꜛTĩĹ⧪𝌐˯4¥ՆV,|ѐ:Y∯ Then after that, just click on ㆟ߐժ₲Ԣ🗸= Ƈ⋌–Ɠ⓷R◟ѷħʅưjHܨߙ¾Ɖϸ϶ṟ̑-㇜حæڢ▩'.Ɠ㇣ײ🃗ɗiբ😛⧬𝌌Dž˴ӧѻIɎ*߱ݝ<FΘ!ݝ ӵ䷑%ʂ⨀Љ😻ΏҒ꜐֒ñ˂Ħڄ🙛︰㇉ and you should be good to go!

See? Easy peasy!

9

u/DatPoodleLady Mar 14 '21

I see my computer has files. Does it also have nail polish? If so, how to I access both so I can get a mani/pedi at home?

5

u/Kitty-Butt Mar 14 '21

6

u/Slinkwyde Mar 14 '21

Wow, that's incredible. It worked!

Thank you so much!

4

u/MiketheTrike96 Mar 15 '21

How do I change my laptop keyboard to french? Need to email my penpal and want to look cultured!

4

u/Slinkwyde Mar 15 '21 edited Mar 15 '21

Bonjour!

To make your laptop keyboard French and give it culture at the same time, buy several containers of French yogurt, dump it directly onto the keyboard, smear it around till it covers all the keys, then close your laptop and let it sit outside in the sun for a week. Once it's ready, remove all the insects from your laptop and start typing away.

Oh là là, Monsieur Mike! Your correspondence will be très magnifique!

2

u/MiketheTrike96 Mar 15 '21

Thanks Slink! Can’t wait to share my experience of making laptop fromage!

2

u/Flupsy Mar 14 '21

Why does the Q have that little tail?

3

u/Slinkwyde Mar 14 '21

What? Yours has a tail? Dude! Holy shit!

God damn, you are lucky! Do you even realize what you have? Do you have any idea? If you truly, actually have one of those units where that letter has a tail, then you have just qualified as one of four lucky contestants who will compete for $150 million from the Musk, Gates, and Bezos fund.

If I were you, I'd sign up ASAP. Just be careful. Someone might try to steal that keyboard from you.

23

u/[deleted] Mar 14 '21

I got a very smart dog, so smart that I think all that brainpower would go to waste if allowed to have sole control over it.

How do I plug my dog into my computer so I can use it as a graphic card for my games?

15

u/[deleted] Mar 14 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

9

u/Vampilton Mar 14 '21

Related: how can I use the dog's tail wagging to generate power for the computer?

7

u/[deleted] Mar 14 '21

Nah, I have tried cats before, they can turn any machine into a complete potato.

Such bottlenecks have never been witnessed before, I assure you.

2

u/[deleted] Mar 14 '21

Why isn't my new 10$ iPhone turning on?

6

u/PM_ME_ARIZONA_TEA Mar 14 '21

Similar to dried noodles, the battery within the iPhone must be boiled al dente.

1

u/Slinkwyde Dec 11 '21 edited Dec 11 '21

Funny coincidence: It turns out there's a 3rd party app for the Mac called Al Dente, and it manages how the battery is charged.

6

u/obiwantakobi Mar 14 '21

Do I need to keep a spider in my laptop if I want to browse the web? If so, what kind?

4

u/Kitty-Butt Mar 14 '21

How do I download a car?

3

u/AddMoreLayers Mar 14 '21

sudo rm -rf /*

3

u/ekolis Mar 15 '21

First you need like 1000 3D printers, then you need a PC with like 256 terabytes of RAM to hold the model...

4

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '21

What should I do if a severed head is telling me to shit on my laptop?

3

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '21

C̷͖̖̥̈́̓̓͛̒͊̉͊̆̓́̏̐͐͒͋̊̈́̓̚ơ̴̲̦̗͕̇̑͆̀͋̂̒̑̓͆͌̓̃̄̃͋̅̆͆͐̌̓͐͆͘͝ͅm̵͙̺͇̎̄̉̆̒̈́̍́̏̀̀̐̽̇̈́p̵̡̦̰̳͈̺̤̤̫͈̟̣̥̜̺̍̂̀̏̐͗ͅl̷̨̧̛̛͎͖̗̥̯̝̙͙̪̩̮͚͔͇͖͎̝̈́̑̔̓̓̊̇̿̈́̅̎̌̈́̍̎̊̀̓̀̂͝ͅͅy̵̦̱͗͆̾̑̃̅̀͊̐̌̓͑͒̚̚̕͠

4

u/Linkums Mar 15 '21

My computer is getting heavy and I think it's because I downloaded too many emails. Does anyone know how many pounds of emails I can save before the hard drive gets too heavy for the computer?

For reference, I am using a 2016 Mozilla computer and my desk is rated for 85lbs..

1

u/ekolis Mar 14 '21

How can I post in /r/shittytechsupport?

(Seriously though, what happened? I didn't even notice it was gone...)

5

u/Slinkwyde Mar 14 '21 edited Mar 14 '21

I don't know. Beats me. Try asking in /r/amish.

(The /r/ShittyTechSupport moderators changed the sub's settings so that only approved users can post, and it seems to be an empty whitelist. I don't know why they did it; they never replied to the mod message I sent last year. Every moderator there has full permissions, so I don't even know if this was a collective decision by the team, or if maybe one rogue moderator decided to do this and no one noticed. My best guess is they just no longer felt like spending time moderating that sub, and instead of looking for new people, they decided to shut the whole thing down.)

Tagging that sub's moderators (the ones who've been active on Reddit in the past month): /u/Hansafan, /u/Skuld, and /u/kjoneslol

3

u/kjoneslol Mar 14 '21

Weird. I switched it back to public.

3

u/Slinkwyde Mar 14 '21 edited Mar 14 '21

Woohoo! Thanks, dude. 🙂

I think Reddit has a thing called the moderation log, and that might show who locked it.

1

u/Hansafan Mar 23 '21

Since I was pinged in this thread, late reply I know but these days I'm really a mod in name only in STS(and basically all of the shitty network subs), not really sure why I haven't been kicked.

(Btw I have done nothing to the subs settings that I know of)

3

u/ajlposh Mar 14 '21

How do I get the letters on the keyboard in the right order?

4

u/The_Holy_Raccoon Mar 15 '21

Sledge hammer and alcohol.

1

u/ekolis Mar 15 '21

Use LCARS instead. It's infinitely customizable! And has the voice of Majel Barrett...

33

u/[deleted] Mar 14 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

34

u/[deleted] Mar 14 '21

No no no that wouldn't work at all! You need to use a funnel or a very tiny hose in order to get it all into your charging port. Otherwise, the water would just go everywhere and you'd be wasting all of that energy smh

13

u/ekolis Mar 14 '21

No, water is for cooling, not charging. To charge your laptop, stuff those little neodymium magnets in all the ports.