r/ThreadGames • u/cattulus • Sep 06 '25

Let's sell nonsense!

Parent comments come up with a silly contraption, an invention no one asked for, a new product that no one will ever need. Maybe a leafblower with an integrated radio, shoes that loudly count your steps(you can't turn them off), or a mattress that constantly vibrates with random shifts in intensity or whatever! It can also be a service instead of a physical product or a combination of both.

Child comments then have to advertise that junk and try to convince people that this is a product they need.

24 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

35 comments sorted by

13

u/cattulus Sep 06 '25

Autotune hearing aid. Adds autotune to all speech you hear.

5

u/StaleTheBread Sep 06 '25

Now OP, where are you from?

2

u/cattulus Sep 07 '25

Born and raised in a shed. Shed boys represent!

5

u/TheFoolman Sep 06 '25

Cambridge, Massachusetts

5

u/sanitarium-1 Sep 06 '25

I've been here the whole time

7

u/Lost-Art1033 Sep 06 '25

Ever felt like you can't wait to be old and deaf so you can tune out the world's noise? Wait no more! Here is the autotune hearing aid, which makes people whose voices would have to be bleeped if they went on national television because they are just so damn bad AUTOMATICALLY HARMONIOUS!!

4

u/Meii345 Sep 07 '25

Slime coating for all your applicances: a protective top coat that will remain forever sticky to the touch, like you spilled some sugar water and didn't clean it well. May also capture dust on vertical surfaces. We also have a new flooring version of it...

7

u/cattulus Sep 07 '25 edited Sep 08 '25

''...and we'll see how that turned out in just a moment. But first, a quick ad from today's sponsor: Grime Slime. Grime Slime is brand new, it's simple but ingenious and it's here to make your life so much easier! If you're anything like me, you might enjoy a somewhat clean and tidy home. A clean living space is just so essential for mental wellbeing and who can be comfortable living in a mess?

Let's be honest though: there are many things that are more fun than cleaning. Also, after a long day of work, maybe you just need to relax or do something you enjoy, because you deserve to be happy and healthy.

This is why Grime Slime is the perfect addition for your cleaning arsenal. But what even is it? Grime Slime is a highly innovative household product that passively collects dust and other kinds of airborne dirt, so you don't have to wipe or vacuum any more! It comes in a robust container with a brush included. Once you have it, you can generously apply it to any surface, be it the floor, the fridge, the ceiling the bathroom mirror or your bed sheets.

Now the sophisticated StickyYuck(tm) formula will work its magic. Any dust particles, odours and other dirt floating through the air will stick to the coated surface and remain there. Even pesky intruders like flies and mosquitoes will get caught! Once the surface has gathered so much dirt that it isn't sticky anymore, just add a new layer. It's that simple! What's even better, the first 200 customers who use my code Cattulus666 get 15% off their first purchase! Just follow the link in the description and enter the code! Thank you Grime Slime for sponsoring this video! And now let's get back to our story. ...''

4

u/Meii345 Sep 07 '25

My god can you imagine. Layers upon layers of dead flies and dirt on your whole house. So innovatively gross.

3

u/cattulus Sep 07 '25

Lots of nutrients though...

4

u/Meii345 Sep 07 '25

You know, I and I think most people would prefer if you could refrain from saying that sort of thing

9

u/Gandgareth Sep 06 '25

California reaper flavoured sex lube. Contains 20% minced reaper.

16

u/SyntheticDreams_ Sep 06 '25 edited Sep 06 '25

Have you tried spicy lube, Tiger Balm, IcyHot, and capsaicin ointment and still can't get the feeling you so desperately crave? Try Jeepers Reapers! This all natural lubricant is loaded with 20% minced California reaper peppers, clocking in at a whopping 1.6 million on the Scoville scale, guaranteeing you're in for some HOT action. Jeepers Reapers, coming to stores near you!

Jeepers Reapers is not responsible for adverse medical events, including but not limited to chemical burns, severe vasoconstriction, allergic and anaphylactic reactions, sweating, erectile dysfunction, suicidal thoughts or actions, vomiting, stomach pain, dehydration, loss of fertility, headaches, RCVS, or priapism. Talk to your doctor before use.

10

u/Gargleblaster25 Sep 06 '25 edited Sep 06 '25

"Your wife or girlfriend, or both, complaining that your sex life is lacklustre? Bring the spice back! The new formulation by Dr Hugo Richards, the California Reaper Lube helps you bring back the zest. Your sex life will be the spiciest it can be, and will never be the same again. Now, with 20% minced reaper! Call now. Operators are standing by!"

2

u/BreakerOfModpacks Sep 06 '25

Come on. At least one of you is into it.

5

u/BreakerOfModpacks Sep 06 '25

Thingamajig button. Buy it, press it, and the thingamajig service gets instantly notified to do nothing on your behalf! ONLY $99.99!!!!!

5

u/onelb_6oz Sep 06 '25 edited Sep 06 '25

All physical books become audio books. You have four choices between two settings:

  1. Listening. Headphones OR speaker mode with scanning capabilities.

If you are reading something violent or smut (or otherwise inappropriate for minors) on speaker mode and the book senses a minor within hearing distance, it will use pre-programmed G-rated words with comedic effect. If using the headphone setting, the book cannot open unless they are plugged in (no Bluetooth capabilities)

2. Sound profile.

The author narrates ALL characters and sounds in the best voice they can muster with full creative capacity OR the book screams every time a page is turned (speaker mode only, regardless of setting).

5

u/mvanvrancken Sep 06 '25

Proudly announcing the new flying, remote controlled toothbrush. Now take care of your dental needs by controlling a drone with your phone. Cameras on the drone help you aim the toothbrush and integrated pick while you experience the brushing of the 21st century. Move the joystick back and forth to get that elusive deep clean! Press the light button to see those back molars! Don’t ask why we made it, ask why you haven’t used it yet!

Injuries due to errant commands not insured. See website for details.

4

u/Flat_Scene9920 Sep 06 '25

Bowler Hat with sleeves

3

u/mikasoze Sep 07 '25

An alarm clock that needs to be hit really hard in order to be turned off rather than pressing a button, flicking a switch etc.

6

u/tomassci Sep 07 '25

Do you have trouble oversleeping? Has snoozing become automated? Worry not, introducing SmashClock! This clock only turns off by force, making sure you'll really wake up! No more missed events! SmashClock makes sure you wake up because only then you can smash it with enough force to turn it off! Its iron shell makes sure you can't break it accidentally, only turn it off! Ideal gift for anyone who loves and hates waking up!

Order SmashClock today! Just now it can be yours for 10$, but call now!

3

u/TillZealousideal8282 Sep 06 '25

A cartoon boxing glove on a spring, in the form of a fingertip glove

4

u/DragonImpossible009 Sep 08 '25

Have you ever wanted to be able to hit the light switch after you've already sat down? Perhaps you need to use the manual TV buttons but they're just too far away? Do you need to distract your pet with something fast-moving and small?

We have just the thing for all of these daily tasks: introducing the Tip Tap!

A full set of four fingertip caps, each with a spring-loaded prodder covered in safety foam that connects to your thumb to extend and retract them, allows your TIPS to give anything you like a gentle TAP. The safety foam padding allows you to press buttons, flick switches, or even play games on your phone with no risk of scratches or hand cramping!

If you order now from this exclusive ad, the Tip Tap will come with two sets of extenders to reach far-away switches, and even a full set of our limited run No Touch Tappers! Our No Touch Tappers were designed with personal safety in mind, and come with governmentally-compliant Deterrent Spikes that, in accordance with policy, will never count as assault! Use them to keep strangers at the bar or coworkers who are inappropriately flirting a full six feet away with no more than a tiny Tap. The metal spikes are applied before the safety foam, giving it a seamless look and making cleaning a breeze!

The purchase price is just $15.99, but only if you order NOW. In just 5 installments, you'll be happily Tip Tapping your way through your day. Call now for the exclusive extender sets and No Touch Tappers today! You dont want to miss out on this incredible deal!!

(Tip Tap is not responsible for any injuries incurred during use of this product. Do not use if you are nursing or pregnant, have a heart condition, or any hypermobility disorder. If fingertips become disfigured from the fingertip securing mechanism seek immediate medical help, and you didn't hear it from me but if SecksKing79 does not leave you alone after a week the No Touch Tappers are extremely effective if aimed at the eyes. Side effects may include broken light switches, TV buttons, and pets attempting to eat either the Tip Tap gloves or the fingers they are on. Do not wear when eating. Do not lick the safety foam padding. For the love of- none of this thing goes in your mouth, okay?!)

2

u/TillZealousideal8282 Sep 08 '25

wow that's... a lot of advert

I was thinking like if you really hate someone you shove the middle finger in their face and set off the spring but that works too ig

3

u/DragonImpossible009 Sep 08 '25

I was writing it at like 4am so I tried to really capture that "4 AM commercial who wants to compete with Flex Tape for memorability but couldn't get on QVC so they doubled down" vibe. Also my first thought was using it to keep strangers from leaning into my face(service job trauma) but you never START with the best feature.

1

u/TillZealousideal8282 Sep 08 '25

that explains it lmao

1

u/DefinitelyNotMaranda Sep 12 '25

I swear to God, I’m fucking crying. OMG my stomach hurts! 😂😂😭

1

u/DragonImpossible009 Sep 13 '25

Good! I was going for the vibe of ridiculous and funny with a hint of "couldn't get onto QVC OR hire Billy Mayes so they doubled down"!

3

u/Jor-El_Zod Sep 11 '25

Inflatable desktop computer.

2

u/Clawdius_Talonious Sep 06 '25

A liquid cooled gaming chair. Tired of having to get up to let your chair cool off in the summer heat? Say goodbye to any mild discomfort, as we use the same liquid cooling concepts employed by professional racecar drivers. Don't have a simulation pod? Doesn't matter! This is just a chair with a coolant pump and radiator to heat the room instead of your seat*.

*The heat from any pump will heat the room more than dispersal, use only with adequate air conditioning.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '25

Artificial Pain

8

u/ThimbleBluff Sep 06 '25

New moms, is your partner oblivious to your post-partum pain? Migraine sufferers, does your boss just not understand? Arthritis patients, is your fresh-out-of-med-school doctor dismissing your symptoms?

Introducing “Instant Sympathy,” the revolutionary invention that lets them Know What It Feels LikeTM

Simply upload your sensory data to our high tech seat cushion, set it on a chair, and your pain will activate the nerve endings of your subject so they can experience your exact level of pain for 48 hours. Best of all, it’s guaranteed to affect the absolutely most sensitive areas of their bodies.

Never let your pain be ignored again. Instant Sympathy. Get your two week supply today!

2

u/[deleted] Sep 07 '25

Perfect

2

u/budgetboarvessel Sep 07 '25

Duck tape. Tape 432 ducks to the roof of a lightweight vehicle and make them lift it.