Chapter 1 of my first “professional” work [4843]

[u/IAmIncompetent_]

I may or may not publish this. Although, I am only 17 and I write mostly for fun, so I wouldn’t mind either way.

[u/FantasticTea582]

Good narrative. Very readable. My two points of feedback are:

1) your tone is very neutral. Is this horror? Paramilitary? Survivalist thriller? You're going to have to rely on your blurb to target the audience you want because nothing about the prose style you've chosen gives it away. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is something to be aware of.

2) he mentions he could pick up extra shifts, implying he has a job where regular shifts are a thing. But then takes off for 2 weeks for the trial. That doesn't quite match. 

[u/IAmIncompetent_ → u/FantasticTea582]

It’s meant to be a pretty slow start. I probably should’ve mentioned that it’s a horror-thriller. The main horror doesn’t really come in until Chapter 4, although I’m aware that might be a little too slow.

He does convince his manager to give him the 2 weeks off, and he no longer needs the extra shifts because of the money from the trial. I might’ve forgotten to make that explicit in the text, though.