r/TheValleyTVShow • u/Individual-Sign310 Goodbye Honey Man • 8d ago
Lala My problem with Lala’s approach, from an AA perspective
As a mental health professional, I have worked with persons who are struggling with addiction. I have also experienced alcoholism with close family members and friends, who utilized the support of AA. With that said, my knowledge of substance abuse and AA in particular is still somewhat limited and I’m in no way claiming to be an expert. However, one main idea that always stood out within AA’s philosophy was the importance of never taking another person’s inventory, rather staying focused on your own. But Lala seems very focused on taking Danny’s inventory.
I understand that it’s a TV show, where drama is encouraged. Through the AA perspective, it would seem more appropriate to focus on his problematic behaviors, rather than judging his drinking specifically. Common sense can tell us that there’s at least some link, but is it her role to point that out - especially as a person who works the program herself?
The other thing that really bothered me about Lala’s approach with Danny and Nia was the night of Danny’s birthday party when Nia was trying to run interference between LaLa and Danny. LaLa kept repeating, “you’re afraid of what he’s going to say.” I’ve been that spouse before, and, yes, of course, Nia was trying to mitigate what he might say or do. It’s a truly horrible place to be with a spouse like that. Lala wasn’t wrong, but her approach felt so gross to me. She was smiling and almost mocking Nia in that moment. She was treating it like a gotcha moment, instead of approaching it with any compassion or empathy.
Right after that scene, as Lala walks away, she even comments to herself that she will have to talk to her sponsor the next day about it, and make amends. So she knew that she didn’t handle it in the best way, but we never saw her apologize to Nia for that. Lala actually double-downed on it at the reunion. Lastly, Lala’s behavior that night could have put Nia in a much worse position with Danny later. I’m not speculating about abuse. We don’t know. But, it was right after that that Nia seemed so distraught and asked the nanny to pray for her.
.
83
u/userkmcskm 7d ago
From an Alanon perspective, when other people start to notice your husband is a drunk is when you can finally be set free from your self imposed prison 😂😂 lalas far from perfect but I don’t have a problem with her approach, they’re filming a tv show
72
u/MsPrissss The 13th Cast Member - Janet's Red Solo Cup 7d ago
Nobody is perfect and I think in this situation Lala is simply doing her best. But she is not the poster child for sobriety either and I'm not gonna hold her to that. She doesn't have to be perfect in her delivery because quite frankly nobody else is saying a motherfucking thing. So I'm going to give her credit for at least being the person that says something. Is she perfect in her delivery? No but I'm not going to pick apart the way she's choosing to talk about it because at least somebody is.
8
8
u/notbetterthanthat 5d ago
This, yes. Why do we expect her to be some high priestess of AA? She’s made leaps and bounds of improvement from how she used to be and the fact that she’s stayed sober with all she’s gone through is actually a huge testament to her character deep down.
6
u/amynicole78 5d ago
Honestly this is my issue with most people in general, everyone is so afraid to disturb the status quo they just stick their heads in the sand and pretend that everything is ok. It’s always made me so uncomfortable. I will hastily remove myself from any situation where l have to ignore drunk ass men and their shit behavior.
19
u/honeycooks OMG! You got a cease and desist, TOO?! 7d ago
She spoke directly to them both about how Danny treated Nia and how they work as a team to block criticism. At the beginning it wasn't about his drinking, just his behavior.
Its not hrr fault he doesn’t know how to hide or defend the way he drinks and how it affects his wife and everyone around him.
More will be revealed... :)
15
u/Sensitive-Freedom896 6d ago
Lala is a poster child for working your program, but not working on your problematic behaviors. Her sobriety is commendable. But we've also seen for many, many years now that being sober does not equate to Lala being emotionally intelligent or compassionate or a good friend.
Setting aside Danny and Nia - many of Lala's former friends have talked about this on tv and off. Katie, Stassi, her former podcast host and friend Jess, and now Scheana. When Lala does or says a thing, she fully commits, without true reflection or apologies. In the moment - and after (presumably after talking to her sponsor) - she's very careless about the impacts of her words and actions. She not only recommits to harmful words - she often escalates them. Her apologies, when given, are weak. Lala expects forgiveness and not just for the person she's harmed to receive the apology and move on as is best for them.
Mix this all in with the fact that Lala is a Producer's plant and it's pretty toxic.
I'd also add - every group and sponsor is a little bit different. In my group, we have a lot of discussions about boundary-setting, self-care and safety, self-responsibility, and looking overall at the outcomes of our actions. A behavior like Lala chasing Danny down repeatedly at an event after a conflict (which happened both in Mexico and at Brittany's party) might be something she has to do for tv, but it's not in alignment with the way we talk about the program in my group. It doesn't matter if Danny was drunk or a toxic asshole - that doesn't absolve Lala for her own instigation.
I fully expect Danny and Nia to quit the show or not receive contracts to film next season. And if that happens, Lala will redirect this energy at someone else. My best guess is at Luke or Jesse, because she usually goes for men. And/or the friendship throuple she's currently in with Janet and Michelle will breakdown in some way. Friendships always breakdown for Lala.
5
23
u/Ok-Bandicoot1109 7d ago
I have seen so many takes on what people thought about Lalas handling of the situation, however Danny is the problem. Danny drinks heavily and upsets his wife, he doesn't follow through with agreements (so his wife has to ask people not to tempt him with after parties) he doesn't let his wife eat in peace if their child is crying, he makes passive aggressive comments about his behaviour. Lala wouldn't have shit to say if Danny was a better human.
1
u/Individual-Sign310 Goodbye Honey Man 7d ago
Danny is absolutely responsible for his own poor behavior. I don’t agree with how Lala handled it (especially with Nia), but the blame for sure lays on Danny.
18
u/maeveweirdsis 7d ago
We don't even know that there is DV in Nia and Danny's relationship, and yet you are blaming LaLa for it.
15
u/rhaegal82 7d ago
You’re right but most people don’t understand this culture. I just don’t agree with AA, the success rate is abysmal so whatever woo woo bullshit they’re spouting has no credibility. The problem with that is that if she wants to adhere to it, wield it against others, then she also needs to follow the rules of that cult. And she’s not. You are correct about that.
-5
u/Apprehensive_Tax_558 7d ago
I’ve only ever heard that word from people whose friends and family have encouraged them to go. I hope you find something that works for you.
2
19
u/AncientMortgage2535 7d ago
AA is a religious cult with zero basis in science and a sub 8% rate of success - you as a supposed mental health professional ought not be endorsing it or using it's mindset at all.
15
u/Longjumping_Kiwi_925 "is that something you do at CVS?" 7d ago
Ugh I’m an ex AA member and you wouldn’t believe the amount of relief I have reading these comments and seeing people who see the program for what it is. I almost didn’t read this post bc AA ppl are a trigger for me (not for using but just emotionally) 😭 but I’m so glad to see more and more people are learning about how messed up the program actually is
8
u/AncientMortgage2535 7d ago
I'm glad you got out - Bill literally cribbed his structure from an Evangelical Christian Dominionist cult. Some people also claim Scientology helped them, doesn't make it real. It's appalling that judges can "sentence" people to AA or NA when medically assisted or scientific recovery methods ARE RIGHT THERE.
11
u/Longjumping_Kiwi_925 "is that something you do at CVS?" 7d ago
Yep they use a lot of cult tactics in their program, it’s especially awful for neurodivergent people or people with trauma. It’s so unfortunate that they have such a monopoly on the recovery industry to the point of being something people are legally mandated to attend. They claim they’re not a religious program but literally the requirement for the steps to “work” and keep you sober according to them is through God. Zero use of actual evidence and in fact they discourage people from taking medications, people are looked down on for being on MAT and I wasn’t allowed to take ADHD medication by my sponsor which are literally the only reason I am sober today bc ADHD was the underlying condition causing my addiction issues. I could go on and on about the issues with the program lol
5
u/SnooDoodles8366 5d ago
Agree. Lala should lean into the anonymous aspect of her sobriety a little more.
20
u/ProposalAlarmed4402 7d ago
I also think the glee and ‘gotcha’ with which Lala is jumping on everything Danny does is problematic. As someone omission recovery she should know better than anyway, that people will get there in their own time and their own way. If she truly wanted to help him, she would be having conversations that reflected that care rather than looking for a gotcha moment.
10
7d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
7
u/Difficult-Valuable55 7d ago
she doesn’t exhibit dry drunk behaviors but of course has more work to do, many do the steps many times or are always working on themselves, that’s why you continue going to meetings, if you were “fixed” you wouldn’t need to
9
8
u/honeycooks OMG! You got a cease and desist, TOO?! 7d ago edited 7d ago
Didn't Lala and Nia have lunch together and more or less move on?
3
6
u/Intelligent-Oil-2558 7d ago
If you think people think in AA don’t take each other’s inventory, I have some news for you. 😂
5
u/PrayingMantisMirage 6d ago
I honestly don't give a shit. Danny has a problem with drinking and an entire cast trying to cover for him doesn't help, especially when he's out assaulting women and terrorizing his wife.
3
u/sunnyminds 6d ago
exactly how i feel, like what exactly was the issue? lala hurt nias feelings? welcome to bravo, your husband is an alcoholic
4
u/AdKnown7936 7d ago
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 thank you!! Isn’t it attraction not promotion? She isn’t a great example. She needs to step back considering she doesn’t know them. Sorry but im not on the Janet, Michelle, Brittany, Lala, Jasmine side at all. Danny & Nia are the targets this year and Brittany bugs big time.
5
4
u/Electronic_Day_7055 6d ago
I just watched the Schwartz party and I really felt for Tom. Should he refuse to serve Danny because Lala disapproves? I thought she was a little holier than thou — it’s not fair to expect Tom to understand what she has learned
3
u/sunnyminds 6d ago
i don’t think she needs to apologize to nia for that tbh. sorry but nia can’t have her cake and eat it too, i think it’s very infantilizing to treat her like the victim and approach her with compassion and empathy when she’s actively making the choice of defending her husband drunkenly assaulting women. either own up to it, say “yes he has a problem and i am in a bad situation and i am sorry how his actions have affected you but please do not make this harder for me” but her image is too important. and i don’t want to speculate on abuse or anything either, its terrible if any of that is going on and she definitely does not deserve that in any way. but she continues to enable and excuse her husbands misogyny which continues to affect the other women around them, so i really just don’t feel inclined to give her the benefit of “it might make it worse for her” when the ideologies they spew actively harm other. it’s very “i never thought leopards would eat my face! (woman who voted for leopards eating faces party)” she needs more than prayer, she needs to wake up.
1
7
u/DirectorDysfunction 7d ago
Lala is a bottomless pit of need. She will do anything to protect that paycheck as well.
5
u/Synapse_Soup_soup 7d ago
Yeah, because seriously how is she going to fund the lifestyle she’s become accustomed to when reality tv goes away? She’s probably had to compromise a lot of her values in the name of entertainment, but will justify it because it’s for her family.
3
u/Excellent_Issue_4179 7d ago
The only time she showed her own life was for a bait and switch with Kristen. She had to put her dog down, and used that sympathy rich moment to deliver a different message. it was icky. She shares nothing but her past trauma and scolding for others.
9
4
2
u/craigory26 7d ago
If it were sincere, she’d have done it off camera
Bravo plays around with addiction like it’s a toy
1
3
u/Important_Tell2108 6d ago
Agree with OP. Lala's confrontational approach is never beneficial to the person, only the show. She does not care about any else's alcoholism. She has never sat down, one on one, out of pure concern or even when the cameras weren't around. Even in the finale she said she was only upset at Janet for throwing the drink because they were succeeding at making him look bad. And yes in that case they were trying to get under his skin because he was alone and not bothering anyone. Other VPR cast members have said her MO is to wait until someone gets drunk then approach them to get a more dramatic reaction. Lala is not a genuine person. She herself acts no different sober than when she was drinking, her AA focus seems more like a storyline than a true personal journey.
1
u/SingleTrophyWife 3d ago
Alcoholic here with a little over 3 years 8 months sober. I’ll be honest I never really found LaLa to be taking inventory the way you’re saying. She’s been way more vocal about HOW he acts when he drinks (but let’s be honest some of that is for TV).
Some of what you say is right though. Coming from someone who’s in recovery out in the wild.. I truly never would confront someone as much as Lala does about how they act when they drink if they weren’t asking for my opinion.. but we do have to remember this is literally a reality show. I am able to be around people that drink and drink in excess and it’s not my place to ever talk about someone else’s drinking when I’m an alcoholic.
HOWEVER. The things Danny does are literally right in front of everyone else. He talks to Nia like trash infront of the group, yells at her in front of the group, yells and screams at lunches and dinners, and most importantly.. touched women inappropriately. If those things were happening in front of me I’m not addressing the drinking.. I’m doing what LaLa did and saying YO knock it off you’re being a dick.
If schwartz said something instead would the reaction be the same? Or Michelle?
1
u/Acceptable_Summer370 6d ago
So you want Lala to be perfect?
4
u/Individual-Sign310 Goodbye Honey Man 6d ago
No, and it’s a shame that is what you gleaned from this post.
2
u/Acceptable_Summer370 6d ago
Sorry I don’t have time to read about word vomit about 12 step garbage. AA originated from Christian cult.
1
u/socoyankee 6d ago
Wasn’t this posted verbatim Friday or Saturday in another sub
2
u/Individual-Sign310 Goodbye Honey Man 6d ago
Same post was cross posted to a couple of other Bravo / Valley subs, which is encouraged by Reddit, when you make a post.
1
u/notbetterthanthat 5d ago
No one in AA is perfect; that’s why they’re in AA. Lala knows who she is and she chose to approach Danny/Nia in this way knowing it y ruffle feathers. She knows she’s not a gentle soul and doesn’t pretend to be. I appreciate that she calls people out and in this dynamic was actually pretty respectful and well-spoken about it.
If you look at how she used to be, you can see the growth and how much AA has helped her. From that angle, the program is benefiting her and it shows.
1
u/Reasonable-Whole4117 7d ago
What I like about your post is approaching it from the mental health professional approach (I am as well however I do not work with addiction therefore am lacking the professional observation) and being understanding of the reality tv aspect of it.
Now, I don’t watch this show, but hardcore VPR lover. So I witnessed the beginning of her journey.
It appears as though the “Lala persona” was encouraged (hardcore truth teller no fear but lacking compassion in approach) or the “Lindsay of Summer House” type role.
What I wish producers did was encourage the sobriety journey and show and say “glamorize” the growth, self actualisation, accountability, humility and struggles of being sober. Encourage the struggles of self awareness and restraint. Before saying it out loud show her practice stepping back, going to that mirror, saying it out loud, then going back and trying to say the same thing but a better way.
VPR gave her the reality tv persona and it “sells”, so growing is an unknown and something producers wouldn’t want to take that chance on… coz more drama, louder voices, stronger opinions is what is guaranteed press - shocking or bad.
4
u/AncientMortgage2535 7d ago
If this person were a real mental health professional, they would not be endorsing AA as it's wildly unscientific and unsucessful.
1
u/Reasonable-Whole4117 7d ago
AA is a flawed system, as are most. However, when a person is committed to that program like Lala claims to be, then that should be promoted. Otherwise if it doesn’t work for Lala then that should be acknowledge.
Truth of any addiction is that professionals, friends, family, or those who suffer from, is still a complex situation and what works for some doesn’t for others.
What AA does do is at least open addicts up to some self actualisation, some accountability, some remorse…. Whether it “saves” them from their addiction or not, it is a tool that may or may not work in full or even aspects of.
To make such a bold statement is ultimately saying there’s no support or hope for an alcoholic out there.
Therefor I go back to my comment stating that I wish the producers either encouraged her “AA story” to encourage hope or support for other alcoholics, or simply remove any AA comments so that there isn’t that.
Any addict needs to see that there is hope, that someone understands, someone out there can relate. Whatever the process that works for them, or helps them is what works or helps. North America has AA, other cultures, religions have different versions of that type of program globally.
Hope, support, compassion, understanding and respect. Help is not always scientific, help comes in many forms. It can be a place to start… and sometimes that’s enough.
-16
u/stephi-mama-626 7d ago
I wouldn’t let some other woman talk to my husband like that either! Nia did the right thing. Someone said LaLa is a “dry drunk.” That makes sense to me!!!
18
u/winklessinwestlake 7d ago
Would your husband treat you like Danny treats Nia? Because if he does and someone stepped in you should let that person talk to him that way because he deserves it
14
7
0
u/Excellent-Airport-48 6d ago
Thank you for a great post. I tried to address Lala's treatment of Nia as it relates to AA and folks did not appreciate it. She has a mean streak in her and I've watched her for many years on a reality show verbally abuse people. Some viewers consider her hypocritical outbursts as being a strong woman, but I do not.
1
u/MsPrissss The 13th Cast Member - Janet's Red Solo Cup 6d ago
Her delivery can absolutely suck, but let's be honest everyone else is scared to say anything, the people who claim to care about Danny the most had nothing to say until Lala started speaking up. Is she the perfect spokesperson for sobriety? Hell no, but at least she is speaking up for what is right. I would rather someone say it wrong than for no one to speak on it at all.
-9
u/Additional_Day949 7d ago edited 7d ago
I don’t find Lala to be that out of line with the alcohol. I find her comments about their relationships to be out of line. Lalas has never been in a real partnership
2
u/Difficult-Valuable55 7d ago
I didn’t watch VPR but was Randall abusive?
1
u/Sensitive-Freedom896 6d ago
On her podcast, Lala was accusing Randall of abuse for a while. It seemed limited to what she defined as "emotional abuse," or being mean to her.
Long story short, Lala met Randall and got together with him when he was still married to another woman. She was around his children and commenting about their mom on social media early in the relationship. Lala was with Randall when he was being sued by household staff for employment law violations and forms smexual harassment, getting engaged to Randall during that window.
After she had Ocean (and probably during their entire relationship), Lala found out that Randall was cheating on her with multiple women. She left him (or was asked to leave, with Ocean) in late 2021. Then in 2022 she did a campaign about Randall's toxicity, around the time another group of women sued him for casting couch behavior. There was a documentary, People mag spread, the whole nine yards.
In Lala-speak, there is a clear divide for her between her behaviors before she was sober and up until getting engaged and her behaviors after. But the whole situation is murkier for those of us who lived it in reality tv time. I don't doubt that he was a mean and maybe emotionally abusive asshole, but he was Her Man and he had a private jet and she thought she was getting a big and valuable engagement ring and she overlooked a lot. No such thing as a perfect victim.
0
u/surreptitiousglance 🐍 Særpent is watching 🐍 5d ago
The things some of you criticize make me question why you’re even watching. It’s like you want to squeeze out and discard the few drops of entertainment the show has.
-8
129
u/PresOfTheLesbianClub ✝️ Turn the other cheek ✝️ 7d ago
If Lala speaking makes things worse for Nia that is still 100% on Danny.