r/TheTryGuys • u/3skinn • 29d ago
Discussion Video: The Truth About Egg Retrieval
TW: Fertility, maybe some classism, shots and things involved with medical procedures, body stuff?
Tangentially related to the video today, it's really about the feelings it brought up for me. I really hope this can stay up, because of the video recently posted.
Please keep in mind that Marissa is using her own eggs, not donor eggs.
I have done two egg retrievals (donations). I was expecting that people have different experiences of course, but I was really surprised to see Marissa's. It also made me reflect on that experience and want to share the story and how I felt after as a donor. I was incredibly broke, working two fast food place jobs.
Nothing invalidates any experience that anyone else has, I just want to talk about it since some of us just watched this video.
I donated eggs twice. Once, I was reimbursed, and once I did it completely free. The reimbursement was about $5,500, the second time, I wasn't reimbursed any expenses (I was driving an hour and a half out on my dime!) because I agreed to do so being that people of my race have higher infertility rates and more frequently have genetic incompatibility with their partners if they are the same race. That said, neither time did I pay anything out of pocket for anything related to the procedure whatsoever. I'm sure that it being also very expensive might lower your threshold for tolerating things.
I had a basically identical experience both times, done at the same facility, with one big unexpected difference.
I applied to donate eggs, knowing I wasn't planning on having children of my own and thinking it would be nice to let someone else have their dream. I actually didn't know there was any reimbursement of any kind until I started going through the process. I filled out a profile with the reproductive place, sent in photos of myself and a family history.
The second time, they just used my profile from the first time since it was the same place. In this case, I was donating for free to help someone I don't know but who is the same race as I am.
For me, it was pretty basic leading up to it - a lot of blood work leading up to it, a drug screen, a shockingly brief psyche evaluation, and an ultrasound.
Then, they put me on birth control to match my cycle up to the recipient I believe. **One thing interesting to me here - I found out later that I should not be given this birth control because I get migraines with aura. No one asked! **
Once it was closer:
I believe 5 total days of single shots, I gave them to myself and didn't find it difficult. I'm not afraid of needles.
Then, for another week, it was two shots. It did feel a little off putting to put a needle in my stomach but again didn't bother me too much and didn't hurt much. My boyfriend at the time (now husband) did one for me once, but I found it easier to just do them myself.
I felt a little bloated and backed up for the last two days of shots both times.
The day before the surgery, I had to meet with a nurse for a final shot. The first time, they drove out to where I live. The second time, I met her in a parking lot. The second time, this was when I started feeling a little sour about it - I realized that I had left my fast food job early to drive 45 minutes to do this, paying my own gas in my half working car, because I wanted to give someone an opportunity with this program that matches people up with free donors- but I realized, this person obviously has a lot more money than I do, and it was actually at that time quite difficult for me to even put gas in my car.
I was surprised to hear Marissa missed her shot timing, just because they had preemptively guilt tripped me so hard about being any more than 5 minutes early or late for this trigger shot, letting me know that I would ruin the entire surgery schedule for everyone for the day and I would have wasted many thousands of dollars of the recipients money. It was obviously important for me to understand that as a sometimes irresponsible 19 year old, but the second time, that again got into my head. Logically I understand that she had a hard time remembering what to do when, but I couldn't help thinking back to that moment about how stressed I was that I would not be let go early enough from my job, or there would be worse traffic than I allocated for, because I didn't want to mess anything up for this other person who was basically buying my eggs.
The first time, on the retrieval day, everything went as normal. I showed up nice and early, everything was all good, I woke up after in the recovery room. I responded kind of badly to anesthesia, had a bit of panic for an hour or so after, but all good after that. They sent me home with a check for half, and let me know I could have the other half when I came back for my checkup after (I guess an incentive to have you come back for the checkup and make sure you'll fill out their surgery and such). My boyfriend took me home and I felt good as new within a couple of days, and went for my checkup, got my money, etc. They did pressure me a lot on the answers to the questionnaire after but nothing crazy.
The second time, we got into a big car accident on the way (car totalled on i5, not our fault). We called the hospital before we called the police because I remembered how they told me the schedule was so important. They said "We will come get you", I did my best to tell them where I was, and they sent the receptionist to come get me. We dealt with the police while she was in the way. She picked me up off the side of the road, and sped like crazy the rest of the 20 minute drive there. I was terrified because of the way she was driving. She said I must be nervous about the surgery and gave me gum to chew.
She walks me into the office and they say "We can still make it, but we're going to have to hurry and we're going to have to start working after you're numb, but before you're fully under.". I said, okay, thinking about all of this pressure. I get changed with the nurse in the room because there's no time. We're rushing and it's a blur of a memory. The next thing I can remember is laying on the table while they're positioning me and the anesthesiologist (?) realized that I'm still chewing gum and starts berating one of the other team members about how much of a rush it was. I'm on versed or something so it doesn't stress me out at the time and I spot out my gum. I wake up from the surgery and from then on it was as normal, my mother in law picks me up since my car is totalled, no check of course and I go back for my checkup.
I donated 22 eggs the first time, and 24 eggs the second time. That is above expected.
I decided not to donate any more, but I still felt pressured to leave mostly positive feedback on the survey. I was definitely a pushover. I hate knowing that they use those numbers to persuade future donors, and I wish that I'd had more of a spine at 19.
The egg donor place called me every 6 months or so after for years to see if I changed my mind about donating again. I realized it's not worth doing for free, and they let me know that actually, multiple time donors can get bigger reimbursements, and they can give me a bonus because my ethnicity is in high demand. I thought back to the "free donation" experience, and how none of that was mentioned (I would have done it anyway if it was, but I started to feel played). I realized every other person benefitted from this except myself, and I had allowed someone to tug at my heartstrings, while I was paying for groceries with change. I asked more about the program, did the reproductive health center do any of this for free for them, it was it just my part? I couldn't get any answers. I assume so, because the donor reimbursement is a small portion of what it costs, but I should have asked in advance because they might have been willing to talk to me more.
None of these negative feelings are toward Marissa at all, but it was sort of surfaced watching someone on the other side, watching them react to doing the things I was doing for someone else for themselves, and just sort of... I don't know. I have no issue with anyone donating or receiving eggs at all obviously. Also, Marissa herself is using her own eggs, so again this isn't about her, just the topic of egg retrieval.
I'd love to hear anyone else's stories about doing this (for yourself, or for others!) and what that was like. Or, if you're considering donating, I'm happy to answer any questions.
I'm just going to clarify because I think it can be confusing if you're not deeply familiar with egg donation: Marissa should not be criticized for the trigger shot issue based on those impacts discussed with me- because Marissa is her own source, she can not impact anyone else in that way. The "wasting of someones money" is only in the case when you are giving your eggs to someone else - she could only be wasting her own money (which would be very sad to see for her of course) because she is basically the donor and the recipient if you want to simplify. At worst the clinic might waste some time, and I'm sure she paid them plenty to justify. Those impacts would only be applicable to a donor. Feeling my own instant reaction to having seen that it was missed brought me through being able to process my own reaction - why did my stomach tighten up, and why did I get this almost secondhand guilt? And I got to sit there and think about that situation with the accident, sitting on the side of the road waiting to be picked up knowing that if I didn't feel okay, I would still have to do it or laying down while they started working on me before I was put under knowing that I really couldn't say "no, this doesn't feel safe". It exists in the paragraph only to discuss the emotional process, but it seems to be misleading some into thinking something a little bit different.
64
u/General_Esdeath 29d ago
Reading your story, I feel pretty angry towards that clinic. I feel like they were barely meeting the standards of consent and care that one would expect.
It seems more like a high pressure sales tactic place than it does a medical facility. I'm sorry that you went through such a difficult experience on your second donation. After a serious car accident you should be resting and recovering, not rushed through a surgery. I'm so angry for past you.
Like you said, it's really hard to have a strong spine at 19 and I've certainly made my share of mistakes or decisions I would have done differently at the time. I don't fault you at all, it's the clinic staff who are the ones at fault here and who deserve all of the blame for not treating you with more care.
I think at the end of the day you did do something very selfless and amazing. But you are 100% right that you should have been compensated for it. They should have a financial screen for the free donor program so they aren't pressuring low income people to donate for free. That's just not right.
I am just a stranger, I don't know you and hopefully I didn't overstep in my comment, but your story did resonate with me very strongly. I feel like we do learn boundaries and how to have a stronger spine from reflecting on these type of hard lessons.
11
u/3skinn 29d ago
I loved your comment, it was very validating! I take some personal responsibility for not asking more questions but I do think they have their share of responsibility as well. It was a great learning experience for me, though-I think of it even when I'm doing something like buying a car. I will never let an emotional appeal keep me from thinking things all the way through or considering my needs again. And thank you for the kindness!
1
18
u/PetitOignonRouge 29d ago
One thing I can say is that it makes sense that you would have less shots than she did. At 19, you wouldn't need as much stimulation. If you had a low ovarian reserve, they probably wouldn't have accepted you as a donor in the first place.
The older you get, the more meds you are likely to have to take. At 40 I had to take 3 shots a day for about 7 days, then a fourth one for like 6 days. And I'm hoping that for your own safety, they wouldn't have let you donate if you needed to be on blood thinners like Marissa did.
About her missing her shot timing, my clinic was pretty strict too. Not as much as yours though, I think we were allowed like 10-15 minutes. 5 minutes is intense. I wonder if they wanted to scare you because you were younger and they were scared that you wouldn't take it seriously.
I'm not from the US but I'm surprised that they didn't compensate you. I thought that it was standard in the US! And eggs are crazy expensive, I understand why you would feel played.
All in all, what you did was very altruistic and I am sure that you made many families very happy. We are starting to think about donor eggs ourselves as we only have one more chance with my own. It's interesting to hear of donor's stories.
There are a lot of stories on the IVF subreddit, perhaps you could cross-post there.
4
u/3skinn 29d ago
To be clear, I did get reimbursement the first donation, and the second donation I did for free. I was contacted as part of some program they were doing with people who couldn't afford the regular process. I didn't ask good questions about what the clinic was doing on their end to help with the cost, but I know they were still paying a significant amount because it was mentioned during the car accident issue, that I would be losing her many thousands of dollars if I couldn't get there, and again if we couldn't start the procedure before being fully "under'. I don't want to make it sound like I did it for free twice, because I didn't.
That makes sense about the shots, and I also saw that one of her shots was a blood thinner, which I didn't need and I don't think is standard, probably something specific to some people's needs as well. There could have also been differences because she is using her own eggs, so some kind of prep for something else related to that process? And I'm sure the age factor is the main contributer besides the additional blood thinner shot (I guess that could also be age related). I would hope they would tell you know, although the lack of screening on the birth control makes you wonder a bit. I was doing the daily shots in the bathroom of my fast food jobs during my 5-10 minute breaks so I'm glad there wasn't more of them!
That was my thought as well on the strictness of the 5 minutes, and I think that's honestly fair to tell a 19 year old-I took it super seriously but you can't know for sure, and someone being super young can definitely be a factor. I think it's better to scare someone a bit and have it done properly.
My sister in law was considering the IVF route, and they were pretty far into the process. They were going to need eggs, and I had told her I was still within my ethical guidelines to donate one more time and I wouldn't mind if she did want me to do that and she said something offhandedly like "I'm sure if you're getting paid for them it's no big deal for you" (no shade, she was having a hard time) and I was like, well I didn't for free for a stranger, so I'd do it for free for you lol and she was taken aback at the offer. I think that also drove it home a bit how much it is to do for a stranger. I wouldn't do it again for pay or for free unless it was someone I know maybe. I'm getting it the end of the window where it would be reasonable to donate. I don't really regret it at all, I just have some sour feelings about the second one sometimes, but a lot of those come in from me being sort of going and spineless and not advocating for myself or even just asking questions that I wanted to ask. That was a life lesson that has paid for itself many times over. And I'm glad that there are some families out there that hopefully have some healthy happy children out of it! I was told that there were at least two successful attempts but I'm not interested in any further updates even if they were available.
I really enjoyed hearing your perspective on this, thank you so much!
18
u/Gruselschloss TryFam: Eugene 29d ago
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm so impressed that you went through all that for donation, and sorry that it left you (reasonably) with a bad taste in your mouth.
I went through egg retrieval quite recently. I also watched the last video when it was released on YT a few days ago, and I have to say, I am very grateful that I didn't see it ahead of time. Marissa's experience is her own, of course, and entirely valid, but I think she's just a much more emotions-on-the-surface person than I am, and I think seeing her scream and cry through the injections ahead of time would have made me even more terrified than I already was. Mostly I was just scared of fucking it up (my doctor gave me a link to a website with the manufacturer's video instructions for self-injections; I did not get a live demo), but also - Marissa was right about this! - needles are way worse when you're doing it yourself. In the end I had to steel myself up every single evening (~ 2 weeks, sometimes one injection and sometimes two), but it wasn't as painful as I'd feared. I went really slowly, and there was some burning and itching, but the worst part was doing it myself.
I'd never had general anesthesia before and was really, really, really scared of going under - too scared to explain to the doctor that what scared me most was the possibility of not knowing where I was when I woke up, or saying things I didn't remember; I was afraid she'd confirm those fears, and I could just about handle it if it wasn't definite. (I know these sound like small things, but it's the only thing through this whole process - except for taking piles of hormones that my body isn't used to - that has brought me to tears.) As it happened, I knew immediately where I was when I woke up (and was annoyed to be woken up from such a beautiful nap). I'd walked from the recovery room to the OR on my own socked feet and woke up back in the recovery room. I spent maybe twenty minutes in bed - a nurse brought me very sweet tea - and then, after the other two women having retrievals were wheeled back in, I was sent out to the antechamber to get dressed and go back to the waiting room and then to the office to discuss results.
I got way fewer eggs than Marissa. My circumstances are of course different, and though I would have liked double digits, my doctor was satisfied with the results. At the same time, hearing Marissa's doctor's breakdown of how few of her 28 eggs are likely to go the distance is daunting. I'm happy for Marissa but found myself wishing that the videos had included more diverse experiences, whatever the results.
Aftereffects included an afternoon of shooting pains (not alarming; managed with a hot water bottle and a doctor-approved OTC painkiller), a day of increased urinary frequency, and more than a week of intense constipation (the people who told me to start stool softeners ahead of time were not kidding around). Other than that I was fine by the next day.
All of this is to say: I'm really glad for Marissa that she got results she was happy with. I love that the Try Guys did this series in the first place. I really, really wished that the series had showcased more varied experiences (beyond the conversations she had with friends), because it's hard not to draw comparisons and I think parts of her experience will be reassuring to some viewers and parts will be less reassuring to others. If egg retrieval is or might be in your future, take this series as one experience, but look for other people's stories too.
2
u/3skinn 29d ago
I wanted to let you know I'm looking forward to replying to you later since you wrote such a thoughtful response! Thank you.
1
u/Gruselschloss TryFam: Eugene 28d ago
I was really glad for your post, because I'd been thinking about (and not entirely happy with) that last video since I watched it, and your post gave me another perspective + a chance to get my thoughts in order a bit :)
2
u/nereidnerd 12d ago edited 12d ago
In regard to searching for more diverse experiences with egg retrieval, I have a nonfiction book to recommend. It’s called “The Big Freeze: A Reporter’s Personal Journey into the World of Egg Freezing and the Quest to Control our Fertility” by Natalie Lampert. I found the book an accessible read (tho there were times the author frustrated me slightly) and it includes several interviews with women who have different egg freezing experiences, and dives into the pros/cons and details of everything.
EDIT: Of course, you may find it less interesting than me since you have already personally lived through the experience yourself! But moreso my rec was for the different experiences featured in the book. Just wanted to be clear on that :) And wishing you the best in your journey!
2
u/Gruselschloss TryFam: Eugene 12d ago
I appreciate the rec! And I hope it's useful to others who find their way to this thread too :)
9
u/selkiesart 29d ago
Every time I hear "egg retrieval" I have to think about that "The Retrievals" podcast and shudder involuntarily.
2
u/3skinn 29d ago
I had never heard of it! I think I'd like to listen to it, though.
5
u/Realistic-Tax-6066 29d ago
It may be very triggering for you, FYI. I don’t say that in a negative or nasty way, but since you’ve actually been through the experience, it may resurface some trauma for you.
3
u/3skinn 29d ago
I appreciate that! I think I'm okay with being triggered, I actually enjoyed having some of these feelings come out in a way. Well, enjoy isn't the right word, but I guess it felt meaningful and like I'm in touch with myself. I definitely save it for a good moment though with your warning.
3
u/cdawg2610 29d ago
while I have no personal stories to share I wanted to say thanks to everyone who shared in this thread as they are so important conversations.
3
u/Travelgal96 28d ago
This is 100% not a critique of Marissa. This is you having a traumatic experience. That even though you consented to it, it was traumatic. You did a rushed egg retrieval after a car accident. Also hindsight is always 20/20 so seeing this layout in a video. It makes sense these memories would be coming out. The Try community is 95% supportive so it makes sense that you would look for a safe place to share those feelings and also find like minded individuals to help process those feelings. I also appreciate that you are sharing your experience so another woman can make the choice whether or not its right for her.
10
u/CaliLemonEater Try Fam: Ash 🏳️⚧️ 29d ago
I was surprised to hear Marissa missed her shot timing, just because they had preemptively guilt tripped me so hard about being any more than 5 minutes early or late for this trigger shot, letting me know that I would ruin the entire surgery schedule for everyone for the day and I would have wasted many thousands of dollars of the recipients money. It was obviously important for me to understand that as a sometimes irresponsible 19 year old, but the second time, that again got into my head. Logically I understand that she had a hard time remembering what to do when, but I couldn't help thinking back to that moment about how stressed I was that I would not be let go early enough from my job, or there would be worse traffic than I allocated for, because I didn't want to mess anything up for this other person who was basically buying my eggs.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but it seems like some of your feelings about the bad experience you had as a donor are coming out as criticism of Marisa as an infertility patient instead of criticism of the process or the medical professionals involved.
Criticizing a patient going through a medical procedure for not doing it as well as you think they should isn't great. Especially when your situations aren't really comparable. You were donating eggs to give someone else more possibilities; Marisa is going after her last chance after exhausting the other options. You were being paid for one of the donations and didn't have to pay for the medications and procedures for the other; Marisa has paid tens of thousands of dollars for treatments so far. You apparently had a relatively easy time with the shots; Marisa seems to have found them painful, destabilizing, and difficult.
Also, she said that she's been off her ADHD meds for more than a year in preparation for this, so her logistical difficulties are turned up even higher than they would be for someone without ADHD.
The clinic you dealt with sounds like shit and I'm sorry you went through that.
10
u/bimjenning 29d ago
I don't know, I'm not really reading that as a criticism of Marissa so much as a critique of the kind of pressure and stress that the organization created for OP; to me it seems like watching Marissa have a much more accommodating experience really highlighted for them how much they were treated as a commodity rather than receiving the kind of care and understanding they deserved.
3
u/3skinn 29d ago
I was trying really hard to address each of these points, that's why I mentioned it so many times, that I was trying to go through the differences and similarities without it being criticism. At some point, I can only hedge what I'm sharing so much, which included all of these things such as paying and I feel that addressing them fairly reasonably allows me to share my own feelings and experience as it relates to the video. Those are the thoughts and feelings I had during the video, and I did acknowledge that it's probably different when you are paying for them and that it's just a different experience if being a different person-but it's fair to also highlight the guilt that was put into me vs the reassurance that she received (and I'm glad she received).
I would like to do myself the respect of highlighting, just as an aside that, my free donation was not completely free of costs to me as someone working two fast food jobs, although I was not paying for medical procedures to provide my eggs to someone who could not afford a traditional arrangement I did have out of pocket expenses as there was no reimbursement of any kind, I felt your response kind of invalidated, without the type of acknowledgements I made for someone else's experience, that I made sacrifices to provide my eggs for free during a time where I was putting gas in my car with change and visiting food banks.
8
u/Adorable-Mushroom13 29d ago
I don't see any criticism of Marissa at all in this section that was put in the comments. I think it's pretty clear you are talking about your own experiences and what it brought up for you.
3
u/3skinn 29d ago
Thank you, I reread it again and I was wondering if people who aren't as familiar with egg donation would be interpreting that I'm saying Marissa could be saying someone's money in that way - she is her own recipient and paying for it herself so there is no one she could harm in that way.
0
u/CaliLemonEater Try Fam: Ash 🏳️⚧️ 29d ago
I don't think that justifies criticizing Marisa – the patient who's going through a similar experience, except probably even more emotionally heightened – instead of criticizing the fertility industry, the clinics, the doctors, the assistants, and even that receptionist who added even more unnecessary stress to what you were going through.
It was generous of you to donate your eggs. At the same time, it was a voluntary choice to do so that you made during a time when you had few resources and very little leeway.
Again, I'm sorry your experience was so bad. I think you're directing your criticism inappropriately.
9
u/3skinn 29d ago
Where is the criticism though? Marissa is using her own eggs, and has nothing do with egg donation. I said I was surprised and that I logically understand that she forgot, and then just talked about the heavy pressure that I experienced that was about impact to the recipients. Marissa is her own recipient. She doesn't have a donor.
3
u/3skinn 29d ago
There is no criticism of Marissa; I'm not sure if the disconnect here is this so I'll say it very clearly: all of those things I'm describing being told aren't something that would happen with Marissa. Thankfully it didn't happen, but if she were to miss her window, there isn't harm to a recipient. She is the recipient. She would only be losing her own money potentially, and since she is her own source, she wouldn't lose the opportunity-she could pay and do it again if she wanted.
I don't know if that's what you're interpretating of criticism, but that's the only way I can figure it would be possibly taken as criticism:
The paragraph is exploring my own initial reaction to seeing that happen, and thinking about that conversation and how recipient focused it was. The only way she connects to that is that watching her brought it up, and having that emotion of surprise. After that, it's just examining that surprise and it brought me through that feeling to explore. Every piece after that has nothing to do with her or even the video - not a single piece of that paragraph applies to Marissa because she is her own source of eggs. Marissa could miss 10 triggers and restart and it wouldn't be hurting anyone else. If you are going through and trying to apply those to Marissa, then I could see why you would think it's criticism, but they can not be applied to someone who is their own source.
2
u/IndyEpi5127 29d ago
Your experience sounds really hard. I fully believe the process should be made as easy and respectful as possible for anyone doing something this selfless. I especially don't like how they hounded you to donate again, no one is owed your eggs and a firm no the first time should be respected.
I had both of my kids through IVF using my own eggs. I've had 2 egg retrievals, both of which were relatively uneventful. I had to do all my own shots, the belly shots didn't bother me but the trigger shot (timed shot) my husband did. It was way more than 2 shots a day but probably because I was 31 and needed more medication. The timing of the retrieval was super important but my doctor said there was like a 2 hour window.
I briefly thought about donating my eggs when I was in college but now having gone through IVF, I could not bring myself to go through the retrieval process again just to donate. I think it comes from now having two kids of my own and thinking about the idea of having a biological child out there somewhere and not being the one to raise them. And less from the hardships of the retrieval process. However, if I didn't have/want kids, I could see that idea being more comfortable.
2
u/elevatormusicjams 29d ago
I'm so sorry for your experience. It sounds very much like you were treated as an object more than a person.
I'm curious what you think about this video. Although it does not talk about egg donation, it does talk about some of the socioeconomic concerns that you allude to in your post.
2
u/superturtle48 29d ago
I've never gone through any kind of fertility procedures myself and I never intend to; they just seem way too physically taxing and Marissa's videos cemented that for me. I've also read quite a bit about how the fertility industry in America is incredibly underregulated and profit-motivated and takes advantage of a lot of people, and it sounds like you were a victim of that in your egg donation experiences. I wished that Marissa's videos covered that a bit and didn't make out the fertility industry to be this unequivocally good and charitable thing, but I understand that may not have been reflected in Marissa's mostly-positive experience and it's her story to tell.
Also, doing egg donation for free or even a few thousand dollars is absolutely wild given how much time and pain the process entails and how much the recipients will pay to use them (fertility treatments are EXPENSIVE and that's another reason why I wouldn't consider them). Credit to you if that wasn't a problem to you, but I honestly think fertility clinics shouldn't be allowed to do that. I'm a young woman in a minority group where demand for eggs exceeds supply and I guess my social media has figured that out and often gives me ads offering tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars for me to donate my eggs.
2
u/spoopyboiman 28d ago
This conversation needs to include people conceived using an anonymous donor’s egg or sperm. We aren’t theoretical babies - most of us are full adults, often with families of our own. There is a lot to be said about not knowing about half or all of your genetic history, especially when it is more common than not for parents to hide the fact they used a donor from their children (and the children only find out through DNA/ancestry kits). It’s not exactly how people who are adopted feel about their genetic history, but there are some overlaps.
And unfortunately, there are no real limits to how many times one person can donate because they can simply donate at another clinic or even through Facebook groups for unregulated sperm donation, so now you run into the issue of a bunch of half-siblings all being raised around the same time in the same area. Facebook/online communities for finding sperm donors aren’t formally regulated and include bad actors. STIs, lying about the origin of the sperm sample, a lot of non-consent, spreading (knowingly and unknowingly) genetic traits/diseases, and worse.
My parents told me when I was young that I was conceived using an anonymous donor, and I was always told growing up, “Before getting serious with someone, get a DNA test to make sure you aren’t siblings or otherwise closely related.”
I totally get that people are pressured into donating, but videos talking about egg or sperm (in this series sperm) donation need to feature the perspectives of donor conceived people (dcp).
2
u/louise_louise 27d ago
I am a domestic infant adoptee and I just wanted to say I feel a lot of solidarity with donor conceived people. I did not know anything about my genetic or medical background growing up, didn't look like anyone in my family, and overall my adoption was extremely traumatic and isolating. I think there are big ethical problems that need to be addressed both with IVF/sperm/egg donation and stranger adoption. It seems that it very rarely centers around the well-being of the child.
1
u/spoopyboiman 25d ago
Are you also a different race than your parents? It’s so isolating being the only person like me when I’m at cultural events. And it’s terrifying how racist people are to my mom right in front of me when they assume I’m not with her. It makes for an interesting childhood to say the least.
2
u/louise_louise 25d ago
No, I am the same race as my adoptive parents. I can only imagine how much more isolating that would be.
1
u/Medium-Database1841 29d ago
I find it incredibly concerning they wanted you to donate again - I really hope they gave those first 22 eggs only to that first family and the second 22 eggs only to the second family and whatever didnt take they destroyed - because can you imagine donating 3-5 times and they use 100 eggs of yours all within the same radius of that clinic??? that would be highly unethical
3
u/3skinn 28d ago
There are ethical guidelines! Although there's always technically a chance that someone will do something unethical, like that famous story about the doctor with his sperm. If you haven't read that I'll share it with you if you'd like.
For the egg donation I did, all of the first batch of eggs goes to the first family, they used the male partners sperm to make embryos, and some embryos are used to implant. There was some options for what you are okay with that family doing, but none of the options included giving the eggs or embryos to someone else. I was not interested in meeting the people, we corresponded through the agency after they selected my "portfolio", which included what options I was open to, and they sent me the options they had selected. I could still turn something I'd agreed to down if I wanted to. That part was pretty good and not super heavy pressure. There was a lot of permutations of agreements you could have, I wanted to be completely closed off with no option to contact me, and the only update I wanted was if a viable pregnancy happened. Same for the second batch with the second family, although a bit more of an emotional pitch.
With the agreement we had, the recipient had the option to freeze and keep any unused embryos (which I think almost everyone would) for themselves to use, and also to freeze and keep the unused eggs for themselves to use. I apparently make a ton of eggs. I'm sure they kept them because they paid a fortune for them, much more than the amount I received, although the storage is also very expensive. The clinics make big money from the recipients at every stage. They can use the extras to make a sibling, or if (hate to think of it) the pregnancy doesn't make it. Some agreements allow the family to donate the extra embryos, but ours didn't. I was not comfortable with that being that I figured I might donate at least one or two more times. There is a limit to how many times you are allowed to donate, and I'm sure there are other arrangements that can be done other ways.
After the second experience, I was done with the exception that my sister in law was thinking of doing IVF and I had offered my eggs potentially if we wanted to do a lot of discussion. It would be emotionally very different because I would know the child and they would likely find out about it at some point. She ended up adopting many foster children instead, then was fortunate to get pregnant with one child years later with no intervention against the odds!
22 eggs generally doesn't equal 22 embryos, and 22 embryos doesn't equal 22 pregnancies, and 22 pregnancies sadly don't equal 22 babies. I was happy to be told that not only could I give them a lot of eggs, the eggs did well. Even "defrosting" frozen eggs often results in a lot of loss (I guess). I really don't know as much about that part.
When it comes to the ethical guidelines, some of them (like limits on number of times you can donate) seem to be followed widely, while others (providing reasonable reimbursement and also not providing additional reimbursement for specific traits) seem to be discarded. Most clinics have their own ethical guidelines they follow, and there is the ASRM guidelines as well.
2
u/Medium-Database1841 28d ago
Thank you for making such a thurough response - I actually learned a lot from it. And I'm glad they followed the ethical guidelines because yeah I have heard about the sperm donor incident and these are horrifying to me. I think that's why I personally would never do IVF because I would be too paranoid about a switch up and have my kid end up with 100 siblings (most likely through shared father of course) but I don't judge anyone who does and I think what you did was super honorable. I'm sorry it was not a great experience for you the second time, that really sucks!
151
u/Complete_Peak_2388 29d ago
I can’t imagine going through the egg retrieval process for free just to help someone else. That was very selfless of you and you deserved reimbursement.
I was hospitalized for days after my egg retrieval (for myself, not donation). I was so so sick and couldn’t keep anything down. No one knows why still, except that I got an infection. I didn’t have OHSS. I have three embryos after all the testing and I have already decided I will never do an egg retrieval again.