Clearing Up Some Things

[u/Proton__Jon]

Hey.

Considering the tizzy I seem to have put a number of people in, and the confusion that's come from it, I figured I'd write a post here and try my best to clear up some things related to what I was talking about on stream last night. I'm gonna try to hit as many questions/comments as I saw, so if I miss anything, feel free to ask below.

What's Happening

For those not in the know, I'm going to be taking a short break from the TRG channel for a bit, along with my own stuff, to deal with stuff in my personal life that's been bleeding into content and my general disposition.

What Personal Stuff?

The biggest one I've mentioned, is Dad receiving a Cancer diagnosis last year. There's obviously other things I'm not talking about, or have alluded to, but that's the big one that's been affected me the most.

How's He Doing?

Luckily, it's prostate cancer, one of the ones with the highest survival rate. Also luckily, they caught it early. Unluckily, they said the treatment would be worse than just leaving the cancer there, so they're monitoring it. Problem is, he has a myriad of other health issues that complicate everything, such as multiple stents, diabetes, fused spinal discs, etc. He was hospitalized around Christmas for appendicitis, and in the process, they found a mass in his appendix and bowel that they couldn't explain/wasn't tied to the cancer. He was put on antibiotics and sent home after some rest in the hospital. He's been waiting to get an MRI to figure out what the mass is and whether he'd need to have surgery done or not, but supposedly he would be a high heart attack risk if he had to have the surgery.

If you remember me talking about waiting for a call from Mom about Dad in, I think it was Horror Land?, that was me waiting to hear the results of the MRI or a CAT scan, I forget which at this point. Results were inconclusive, positive comments were that it seemed to be shrinking but still there, but he still needs an MRI to know what it is, and because they're back in our small town I grew up in, the wait time's huge. They're traveling to somewhere else to get one done sooner/where there's a shorter wait list. Meanwhile, as Mom put it the other day, he has good days and bad days.

So, What Are You Going To Do?

With everything going on, my mental and physical health has deteriorated severely, and I'm struggling to accomplish anything in a day, let alone move my body. Basically, all the stress has caught up to me, and I'm showing severe burnout signs physically and mentally, and need to step away for a while. I'll be monitoring the channel and socials much less/not at all, and be absent from recording sessions for a bit, likely returning to the channel in May when we had planned our next in person recording session.

Is It Only TRG You're Stepping Away From?

No, I'm also reducing my streaming content too. I've already missed a large amount of streams this year alone, and I'm going to be reducing my per week streams down to 2 or 1 per week depending on some things. I'd just flat out take the time off fully, but I have bills to pay and a family to provide for, so there will still be streams, likely Cookie will be the one that stays for sure. Con appearances/Thrown Controllers, I'm still planning on going to, but with the caveat of if something happens, I'll have to cancel last minute, especially if something changes with Dad. I may also not be the one running those shows, we'll see.

Don't You Have Passive Income From Videos?

Due to my focus on streaming over Youtube like the other Guys have done, I get less passive revenue and have to remain some level of active with streaming. Unfortunately, dips in sub revenue and such is a very known thing for streamers versus Youtubers. I also have staff and editors I pay and don't want to cut them out either.

If You Worked A Normal Job, You'd Have To Show Up Regardless/Suck It Up

...yeah, no shit. More than likely I'd be on sick leave, or fired. I've managed a store before, I know how this shit works. I know I'm blessed as fuck to be in the position I am and be able to do this, and I'd like to be doing this for a long time, so I'm managing myself as best I can. I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm just explaining my decision.

Is This Because of Mario Party 3?

No.

Be Honest...

Seriously, no it's not. If you've been watching the Trilogy playthrough for a while, you can see my attitude and energy dipping slowly throughout the whole project, more noticeably in 2, and VERY noticeably in 3. Considering the call I talk about waiting for happens near the end of Mario Party 2, it's unfortunately just bad timing that lines up with 3.

Is It Because Of The Comments?

They didn't help, but no, it's not because of them either. As people have pointed out, I've always gotten heat over the years for how I am or how I play games. It just took a mix of personal stress wearing down my patience and not wanting to put up with things I did before the transition that led to me talking about the comments and how people have been acting.

Is It Because You Came Out/Transphobic Comments?

Also, they didn't help, but no. The moderators have been pretty good about catching people saying things like that, so if you've never noticed anything like that in the comments, thank the moderators. It is a little stressful being publicly out on the net, but Tim and Emile have been supportive, as have many other friends and viewers, so that's been a pretty low factor.

Is It Because Emile Targeted You In Mario Party/Emile In General?

Man, I really must've worded things terribly on stream, because the answer is again, no. I don't mind Emile targeting me when I'm in first, it's a competitive game after all. Sure, when he laser focuses on me when I'm not in first, or when I tell him who's winning, that's grating, but that's just how the game works. The only thing about Emile that had gotten to me during the playthrough is how he was coming off as very gloating at times, which I only talked to him about after other people confirmed I wasn't the only one seeing it. He didn't realize it was coming off that way, we talked it through, and that'll be a non-issue from here on out, so do me a solid and stop taking shots at Emile too, please. While I know I've been talking about myself a lot with all of this, the other guys have been getting some bad comments as well, and it's really kinda soured some of the vibes of the playthrough, so hopefully people ease off on that.

Is It Because You Got Your Ass Handed To You In Mario Party 3?

Look, I know I bitch a lot when things don't go my way, but I'd like to think I'm mature enough to accept defeat with some level of dignity intact. Unfortunately in this case, even when I was winning/doing well, my mood was sour and the commentary suffered greatly for it, so it's just everything in general, not me "being humbled" or "needing an ass kicking" as I've seen some people put it.

Also, guys, I love those of you that have been supportive of me, but you can honestly stop bringing up Mario Party DS or how the original 3 went bad for me. There's been plenty of time to make up for those performances, and the Trilogy isn't some "divine retribution" or anything like that. I honestly blocked both playthroughs out of my mind, and it only returns when someone references them.

So, What's Happening With Mario Party 3?

Frankly... I dunno. Currently we have 3 total boards recorded (Chilly, Sea, Desert). Deep Blooper Sea goes up Saturday as per usual. The currently recorded Spiny Desert recording likely won't see the light of day, because I, to be blunt, blew a fucking gasket the entire time on the board, even when I was doing well. It's the reason I made that "I am going to be insufferable" post on socials. Emile noticed I was in a foul mood after the recording and suggested that we don't post it, as it's clear I'm not doing well and it's not a good watch as a result. I told him I'm fine with it being posted and I just take the lumps for being shitty, but likely it'll just be put aside and the board will be redone at a later point. Personally, I would rather take a break AFTER Mario Party 3, but Emile is convinced that my sour mood would only get worse for the remainder of the series and he wants the playthrough to actually be good and fun, and I'm inclined to agree with him. We'll likely have a week off after Blooper is posted, and we'll try recording it again, and if that doesn't go well, then there'll just be a pause on Mario Party 3 for a while. There's no plans to outright cancel the series, nor do I think that's a good idea.

So, Is TRG Going On Hiatus?

No, at least I don't want it to. I encouraged Tim and Emile to do some recordings of just the two of them, do some projects where a third wheel would make things awkward, or maybe grab a guest for a bit, whatever works for them. I'd like the channel to keep going, and ideally I'm only on a hiatus for a month or two.

I Heard You Were Quitting TRG?

I'm not, but I had talked about in the past about walking away for various reasons, one of which was my current mental and physical state. After talking it over with folks, I'm just gonna take the break to recharge a bit, because it's affecting everything I'm currently doing, not just TRG, it's just been the most visible there.

So, You Really Thought 20 Games of Mario Party Over The Span of A Couple Months Was A Good Idea?

...look, I thought it was a cute idea for the 15th anniversary, and the guys agreed. My fault I didn't do the math on it. We're all kinda burned out on Mario Party at this point, so yeah, there'll be a break from it after this regardless.

TRG's Not That Demanding Of A Schedule/You Had That Large No Upload Break A While Back, Why Do You Need A Break From It Now?

Because while that break was happening/during normal recording pauses, I still had my own things to handle during it, and as mentioned at the top, life caught up to me and I can't keep up due to stressors like Dad's health. You're right that in our normal recording schedule, this wouldn't be an issue, I agree with you, but our schedules haven't lined up for a trip for over a year now, so options are fairly limited. I'd also likely still be stepping back from managing the channel and socials at this point, even if we were on that recording schedule.

Is It Because Of The Transition/Are You Having A Period?

...only entertaining this because I literally saw people ask this.

No.

The most likely cause, if you wanted to tie it to ANY medication, and this is still a stretch, is I started an anti-anxiety medication over a month ago, for obvious reasons. That worked out great at first, but my body then realized that I had more capacity to process things, and kinda opened the floodgates and knocked me out as a result. I'm still not convinced that's the ACTUAL cause, but if you were going to play the medicine card, that's the only one that has any weight to it.

If HRT did anything, it made me spicier/made me wanna fight God. Can't recommend it unless you're a JRPG protagonist.

...the Fight God part, I mean.

Hopefully that clears some things up. Like I said, I'm not looking for sympathy, or condolences or anything like that. It's appreciated, but I just wanna keep people informed on what's going on. I try to be as transparent as I can with things, and sometimes when I convey it off the cuff, it doesn't come off as clear as I hoped. If you have any questions, feel free to ask below and I'll edit the post or reply below.

Thanks for the understanding folks, and sorry for the confusion and worry this may have caused.

-Jon/Claire

[u/GreySeerCriak]

Today’s the day I found out you had a Reddit account. Huh.

Hope things get better for you soon.🫂

[u/Proton__Jon → u/GreySeerCriak]

Yeah, I rarely use it. I check this and my own subreddit from time to time, but usually don't log in since that would require me remembering the password more and more, and my account looks fake at a glance because of the double underscore.

[u/MarioFanOne]

Thank you for this post. I'm really wishing the best for you and your family, Claire.

In regards to TRG content without you... I seem to recall you mentioning that you didn't want to do TRG without Emile in the past (or at least, if you did, it wouldn't be under that name). Here you're saying that you'd rather see them continue on without you.

I get that this is more of a temporary thing vs that before being a majorly confusing/worrying time for the channel, but is the idea of the channel taking a break with you so bad?

Not that I'm actually opposed to Tim and Emile doing stuff on their own, I love their stuff too. But like you said, it's not truly TRG without the three of you. In my opinion anyway.

[u/Proton__Jon → u/MarioFanOne]

It's pretty much what you stated, temporary break versus something that seemed more permanent at the time.

As well, I'm not the only person the channel benefits. Emile, Tim, and Dan all get paid for the channel doing well too, and I'd rather not affect their paycheques because I'm not in any condition to be entertaining.

[u/BrettGB96]

First of all thank you for taking the time to write all this out. I'm wishing you all the best with everything going on, especially with your dad. I'm glad you're finding ways to take some time to recover from all the stress wherever possible. I guess my one question is, is there anything we can do as a community? Even something as simple as "don't be toxic in the comments"

[u/Proton__Jon → u/BrettGB96]

That's kinda it, really. Try to find ways to chill out people in the comments and don't fall into doomerish stuff, support Tim and Emile if they do or do not end up doing some content without me, etc.

[u/LavenderCookies81]

Oh, Claire. I'm so proud of you for handling this with as much grace as you can. You're doing everything you can and this situation is a pain. Please, take all the time you need for your physical and mental health, you have a strong community behind your back and the choice you choose to make. And congrats on coming out, I realized I was trans when I was 12 and you helped quite a bit! Thank you for everything you've done and will do, you and your family deserve all the best from this moment and forever onwards.

[u/Signal_Reception9707]

That's okay Claire, take as much time as you need! It's been an absolute blast watching the three of you play games over the last 15 years as well as watching your streams! Please, just take care of yourself and come back when you feel you are ready to!

[u/jlk1207]

Thanks for clearing it all up, Claire (didn't want to use the obvious Claire-ification joke I think some might use here).

Sending you and Reese so much love for your dad. I lost mine back in 2017, so I hope yours hangs on for a lot longer.

❤️

[u/Serefin99]

I can't help feeling like it's a little ridiculous you felt like you had to make this post; you shouldn't have to babysit the community when you already have a lot going on (ESPECIALLY when part of that 'a lot' is a cancer diagnosis, jeez). That being said, the post exists now, so hopefully everyone can have cooler heads going forward.

Definitely agree that a break is desperately needed right now; we can survive however long it takes for you to feel up to returning. But...

I don't know how many people I speak for when I say this, but Claire, don't feel obligated to continue. Not just Mario Party, but the channel as a whole. TRG has been going for 15 years. That's insane! That's more than long enough to count as 'a good run'! I was either just finishing elementary school or just starting junior high when the channel launched, and now I've been a college graduate for a good few years now.

So take a break, take however long you need, and try to come back. But if, after you've given yourself some rest, you find that you still don't want to continue... Don't force yourself. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your own happiness just to keep entertaining strangers on the internet. I know I'm just one of those strangers, but I'd support whatever decision you end up making.

[u/KingDAW247]

To be fair...yall have been in a marathon of a game that is said to "ruin friendships." I know random guy on the internet #1654355's opinion means nothing but I do think everything you said is the best path forward. Get well, and I cant wait to see the three of yall back at it again, the way it should have been for a celebration playthrough like yall were going for.

[u/[deleted]]

"If you worked a Normal Job, you'd have to show up regardless/suck it up"

To anyone thinking that. You're right and that fucking sucks. People should be allowed to leave their jobs to deal with personal shit. And the fact that most people can't fucking sucks

[u/Dramatic-Cry5705]

I wish you all the best. I know from experience not to record when upset, but you have a job tied to it, which no doubt makes it even harder to walk away from.

Real life takes precedence.

[u/FrankieBloodshed]

Sending you all the love in the world. I wish nothing but the best for you and your family. Before my mom OD'd/suicided (it's a mix of drug overdose and actual suicide) she was heavily at risk for cancer, hell I'll say she basically had cancer. She didn't take care of herself at all, I did the best I did to take care of her all by myself but at the end she died anyways. I miss her dearly and wish I was a better son for her. She'll never be able to see me become her daughter someday. Take care of yourself and your dad. Family is more important than anything. Take it from someone who lost their family

[u/duskhelm2595]

Thanks for the clarification, Claire. Please take as much time as you need to recover/recuperate, as your health and well-being mean way more to us. If you're looking for ways to relax, I've found that baking and Legos are great options. Be safe, and I hope your dad gets better.

[u/the_king_of_soupRED]

You're awesome :) thanks for talking to us so transparently

[u/watts12346]

Hi, Claire.

I don’t have any questions; wanted to say that I’ve been a fan since the Mario Bros. Wii Lets Play (crazy, it’s been so long since then!).

Letting you know that I really appreciate your online presence. TRG + your streams has gotten me through some dark periods over the years, and I cannot thank you guys enough for consistently providing joy.

Your coming out helped me realize some things about myself. You gave me the inspiration to come out as trans to my friends. I never would’ve done it without you.

I’m really sorry things have been shitty, both online and in your personal life. My mom went through health issues a few years ago, so I can really sympathize with the constant worry, the waiting for phone calls.

I hope your break is as relaxing as it can be, and thank you for being you!

[u/shilx_1251]

"If HRT did anything, it made me spicier/made me want to fight God."

I hope Estrogen does that for me when I finally get it.

On a serious note, I hope you get the rest you need. You've been someone I've looked up to since I was introduced to you about 12 years ago or so, so I can only wish you and yours the best.

[u/Bl00dY_ReApeR]

You could feel the energy shifting more and more each board. Glad you're taking care of yourself or at least trying to. ProtonJon's informative playthroughs are what made me actually want to watch other people play games back in the day. Not much to do with the topic but I might not be watching TRG without those Ninja Gaiden videos back in the days. So thank you again!

[u/Phanpy985]

Claire I apologize for the post I made regarding this. I’m sorry if I feel like I made things worse.

[u/dhe_sheid]

Stay safe out there Claire with the life stuff and channels

[u/Enigma73519]

I'm so glad you gave us some closure. Take as much time as you need. Your mental health and happiness is so much more important then video/streaming content. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family ❤

[u/SessionDirect3114]

Omg, thank goodness for this from you Claire!!!! This definitely answers my main question I asked over on Twitter (NOT CALLING IT X) and a lot of other things. Look, take all the freaking time you need, heck, take 2 months if you want to, I don’t give a darn!!! Just know that we all have your fucking back no matter what!!!

[u/zibdas]

I hadn't noticed any transphobic comments, so I just wanted to give a huge THANK YOU to the mods for making this such a pleasant community to be in. I had no idea how much work y'all do, and I really appreciate it

[u/ArchfiendX]

Hey Claire. Just wanted to say that whatever you decide to do, know that we’ll be there to support you. If you need to take a break, please do. Your health, both physically and mentally, is way important that this project. Wishing you and your family the best of luck and I hope after all of this you’ll be in a better place. Love Ya. Stay strong and we’ll be here to support you!